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Chapter One of my fan-fiction!


Nayruthepegasister

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So I finally posted it on Fimfiction here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/114438/1/a-witty-name-for-a-glorious-fanfiction/chapter-1-the-new-dawn Wanted to see what everypony here thinks of it. This is only chapter one and I might post other chapters in this blog in the future... Hope you all like it!yay.png

 

Warning... it is rather long... Enjoy!img-1369822-1-UNZJLhS.png

 

 

"Nayru... Farore.... it is time..." Din proclaimed.

"Yes... I guess it is... which one of us will go?" Nayru asked.

"What are you two talking about?" Farore inquired.

Din just stared at Farore with a disapproving face. It was normal for her sister to not listen to her, but she thought that Farore might listen to a conversation as important as this one.

Nayru finally replied, "...Hylia. We have not heard from her at all since she first descended upon this land and it has been a few centuries... She usually does not take this long to develop a country, especially since this one was already developed."

"You're such a worrier Nayru," Farore proclaimed, "I guess I'll go to the realm of Equestria and get her back."

"No sister, I shall go. You will need my power. You never know what kind of savages live there." Din exclaimed.

The two continued bickering about the situation until Nayru finally stepped in.

"Enough! I will go! I was the one given wings anyway! We don't know what kind of world Equestria will be, but I can fly so I am certain that I can escape any situation!" Nayru shouted.

Din and Farore stood silently, waiting for what their older sister was to say next.

Without word, Nayru flew off to the portal and left.

"Goodbye sister... take my power..." Din began.

"And my courage..." Farore finished.

Nayru exited the portal and was in midair. Her body soon began falling and she flipped open her wings just before smacking into the ground.

"Gravity sure is different here..." Nayru said to herself.

A pink pony jumped out of nowhere and started speaking nonsense. Nayru could not understand her at all.

"Do you know Hylia? Can you take me to her?" Nayru asked.

The pink pony exclaimed "uhfwu wgwufh ugf ierhuwfghfgen jashrwuergfjdhe?"

The bright pink pony began bouncing off in the distance, and Nayru followed.

Soon Nayru was led to a small library with other ponies. There was a yellow pegasus, a blue pegasus, a white unicorn and an orange pony, along with the original pink pony that Nayru was following in the first place.

"Do any of you understand me?" Nayru inquired.

All of the ponies began jabbering in their own language and Nayru was unable to grasp their meaning at all, until the orange pony separated from the group and began walking.

The orange pony stopped and looked at Nayru, as if wanting her to follow.

Upon instinct, Nayru went with the orange pony and the two left the town. They eventually went to a large forest that the orange pony seemed scared of, however the poor pony did not seem to outright show it. They entered the forest cautiously and as Nayru walked, the forest shrank away. It had to follow the law that she set long ago when she and her sisters created everything. Seeing how the forest reacted to Nayru, the orange pony quickly ran behind her, as if wanting protection from the forest. However, Nayru was unsure of where to go, so she kept walking forward until she came upon a small hut. The two entered the hut and there was a zebra there.

"Do you know where Hylia is?" Nayru asked.

The zebra answered, "I do not know of Hylia. Do you mean Celestia?"

Nayru stared at her blankly, surprised to finally hear someone who could understand her.

"Who are you anyways? I do not think many speak the language of the old these days." The zebra questioned.

Nayru proclaimed, "I am Nayru."

The zebra gasped then asked, "Are you the goddess? Do you bring harm?"

"I am the goddess. I do not bring harm. I just want to bring Hylia back to the Sacred Realm." Nayru said.

"I see. But I do not know where Hylia could be, nor who Hylia is. I am Zecora. I will translate if you need me to help you understand these ponies." Zecora proclaimed.

"Thanks!" Nayru said with pure gratitude.

"Here... it is dangerous to go alone... take this! This potion will allow you to speak and understand our language twists." Zecora said, handing Nayru a potion.

Nayru drank it with a large gulp and then said, "You mentioned someone named Celestia... do you think she may know Hylia?"

"Yes... Applejack will take you to her... Applejack help this pony out!" Zecora shouted.

The orange pony returned to the room even though it seemed like she never left.

"Take this mare to the princess..." Zecora said with a smile.

"Okie dokie Zecora! Ma name's Applejack! You can trust me, sugar cube, I'll take ya to Twilight in a flash!" Applejack said.

"Um..." Nayru began.

However how hard Nayru tried to tell Applejack that she wanted to see Celestia, not the being known as "Twilight", Applejack would cut her off by talking about her friends or her farm. Eventually the two went back to the library where she first met Applejack. The other ponies were still there, but there was another mare with them. This new mare was purple and had both wings and a horn. Nayru knew it was Hylia.

"Hylia...." Nayru began.

All of the ponies stared blankly until the purple pony with both horn and wings spoke.

"Hello... who are you?" The purple alicorn questioned.

"You know who I am Hylia... come back to the Sacred Realm..."Nayru replied.

"Hylia... I've heard that name before... but from where? Pinkie... will you fetch me my book of Equestria mythology, volume 3 please." The purple alicorn stated.

The bouncing pink pony quickly grabbed the book from one of the many cluttered shelves and handed it to the purple alicorn. The alicorn began to flip through the book at a fast pace until she put her hoof on a page.

"Aha!" The alicorn exclaimed, "The story of the formation of Equestria! Look at it girls, it says right here that there was a purple alicorn named Hylia who gave life to everything we have today! Here, let me explain, originally there were three who referred to as the Golden Goddesses, because their bodies where full gold. Their names were Nayru, Din and Farore. The legend describes that the three predicted their deaths so they sealed all of their power away in a relic known as the triforce. After creating the triforce, the three gave the triforce to a mortal named Hylia who was of pure heart. After that… it says that the three returned to the heavens and Hylia was never heard of again. "

"W-w-what h-happened to H-Hylia, Twilight?" The yellow pegasus questioned.

The alicorn answered sadly, "I don't know Fluttershy... Maybe we should go to Canterlot and see Princess Celestia... she'd know what to do."

Nayru stared at the alicorn in disbelief. This alicorn was purple like Hylia, but was a darker purple and had a different hair style, she soon realized her mistake.

The purple alicorn said in excitement, "Let's go to Canterlot, girls!"

They all boarded a train and rode off to Canterlot.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle. These are my friends. The blue pegasus is Rainbow Dash, the yellow pegasus is Fluttershy, the white unicorn is Rarity, the orange mare is Applejack and the pink mare is Pinkie Pie. This dragon here is my friend Spike." Twilight said.

"Hello all... my name is Nayru..." Nayru replied.

"Hi Nayru! I've been trying to talk to you from the beginning but you were all kinds of blah blah blah blah and stuff so I couldn't understand!" Pinkie pie exclaimed.

Nayru replied, "That's because I'm not from here... My sisters and I come from a place called the Sacred Realm... we still speak the language of the old."

"Are you talkin' about that royal Canterlot jabber-wacky that Princess Luna was talkin'?" Applejack questioned.

Rarity gasped before shouting in an overly dramatic voice, "Oh no you did not just insult the days of the old! Back then everyone spoke beautify and dressed even more so. I've seen a few of the dresses from those times and they are simply marvelous!"

Applejack rolled her eyes at Rarity and simply replied, "Whatever floats yer boat, sugar cube."

"Um… girls..." Fluttershy said meekly.

"What is it Fluttershy?" Twilight said in a calming, nice voice.

"Um... we're here...." Fluttershy finished, before shying away.

They all left the train and headed towards the over-sized castle.

"I wonder if Cadence is still in town... it would be nice to see my foal sitter again." Twilight said wistfully

Nayru asked blankly, "Do not find me rude... but what this foal sitter you speak of?"

Spike began laughing evilly and Twilight soon covered his mouth and gave him a dirty look. Then she explained, "A foal sitter watches the new born for the parents while they are away."

"You never had a foal sitter Naypoo?" Rainbow Dash questioned.

"It's Nayru... and yes... I raised my sisters... does that count?" Nayru smiled awkwardly.

The pegasus shook her head in displeasure and flew up to Twilight.

Rainbow Dash asked, "Twilight... how much longer is this gonna take?"

In an answer, Twilight announced to the group, "We're here!"

The group entered the castle and soon found Celestia, Luna and Cadence all eating.

"Sunshine sunshine, lady bugs awake, clap your hooves and do a little shake!" Twilight and a pink alicorn said while doing some sort of hoof-shake.

"Welcome Twilight and friends!" The large white alicorn stated.

"Here Nayru... let me introduce you! This here is Cadence my foal sitter, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna." Twilight stated, pointing to each one before she and Cadence flew off to go speak in private.

"Nayru... where have I heard that sister?" Luna said, looking at Celestia with wide blue eyes.

Celestia stated calmly after a short silence, "What brings you here to Canterlot?"

Nayru asked calmly, "Where is Hylia?"

The two princesses looked at each other before Celestia said, "We do not know of said pony."

Luna looked at Celestia with a dirty look before saying, "Yes you do... I do at least... I think..."

Celestia glared at Luna, however her intimidation did not affect the young brash princess from saying, "We are Hylia... Or at least, we were.”

Nayru stared at them before stating, "We want you to come back to the sacred realm... This society seems very developed so you don't need to be here any longer. Unless you think this world is worthy of the Triforce's power, you need to leave so we can travel to the next world."

Celestia stated, "This world is advancing so quickly that I needed to stay here and protect it. I even had to split my soul into four to protect it better. Equestria was advanced before the being of chaos came to this land and I am afraid if I leave it that it will descend into madness once more and stop advancing again."

Nayru merely replied, "You are too attached to this world. Though I understand. I realized coming here just how out of touch we are from these creatures. I will bring Din and Farore here so we can learn more about these creatures and see if they are worthy. You stay here and continue to protect them."

Nayru then flew off without warning. She continued flying until she reached the Sacred Realm.

“Nayru! Welcome home! Where is Hylia?” Farore asked in her normal, cheerful manner.

Nayru replied, “We need to go to the land of Equestria.”

Din stood in shock before saying, “It is dangerous my sister…”

“We need to keep up with the inhabitants there… we've lived in this place for too long…” Nayru replied.

Farore gasped, before stating, “This world has made you braver my sister… I agree with you. We should all go so we can grow as individuals.”

Nayru stared at Din and Farore with a long and wise stare. After a silence the three headed towards the portal.

“Are you two certain we will be safe? Who is going to guard the Triforce?” Din asked.

Nayru answered, “We will be quite fine my sister… The ponies I met are quite nice…”

Farore also added, “What happened to the ‘Great and Powerful Din?’ Stop your worrying, or you’ll be like Nayru… I already have one annoying sister… I don’t need two of you.”

Both Nayru and Din rolled their eyes at Farore and the three entered Equestria, in the same place the Nayru entered.

“Quick Farore cast a spell!” Nayru yelled to her unicorn sister.

In response, Farore cast a green bubble around Nayru, Din and herself to keep them from plummeting into the ground.

“Gravity sure is different here…” Farore commented as she brushed the dirt off of her hooves.

“At least you and Nayru could save yourselves! I don’t have wings or a horn... I’m useless compared to you two.” Din exclaimed.

“That’s not true,” Nayru explained, “as an earth pony you are a lot more physically stronger than Farore and I. Do not underestimate your strengths Din, it is bad for you.”

Farore exclaimed cheerfully, “Yeah Din! Be happy! Stop trying to be Nayru the worry-pants!”

Nayru glared at her sister with a dirty look, and then began walking.

“Where are you going Nayru?” Farore inquired.

“I am going to lead you to the ponies that really helped me in this world… I think you two will like them.” Nayru said.

The three then entered the library again.

Pinkie pie ran up to Din and Farore shaking their hooves quickly and introducing herself twice as fast. Nayru began laughing as her sisters became dismayed by Pinkie’s over the top personality, much like she was.

Nayru asked kindly, “Um… Applejack… Will you take us to Zecora please? I don’t really remember how to get there.”

Applejack smiled and exclaimed, “Anything for a friend, sugar cube! I’ll get you there faster than you can say zap apple ten times!”

Nayru stared at the pony with a dismayed face, wondering exactly what a zap apple was. She decided that it was irrelevant, considering that she had something else to ask Applejack.

“Um… can I ask… a question?” Nayru quietly inquired.

Applejack stared at her with a blank face and said flatly, “You just did… Anyway, what’s on yer mind?”

Nayru got quiet for a moment before asking, “Um… what’s a friend?”

Applejack gasped and Nayru hid, afraid that she offended the orange mare. Applejack stared at her kindly, and smiled warmly.

“You never had a friend before?” Applejack questioned in a gasp.

Nayru explained, “The only other ponies I've ever spoken to are Hylia and my sisters. Now that I’m in Equestria I've met you and your companions.”

“Yer one of us too sugar cube. If ya need anything you can count on ol’ Applejack to help ya out in a jam. A friend always helps out another friend.” Applejack replied.

Nayru smiled at the orange mare and the two continued walking until they found Zecora’s cottage.

“You can thank Applebloom fer tell’n me where this is.” Applejack beamed happily.

“Who’s Applebloom?” Nayru questioned.

Applejack raised an eyebrow while saying, “Didn't I tell ya about my siblings earlier? Well Applebloom is my little sister!”

Nayru remembered the mention of Applebloom in Applejack’s monologue when they first went to the library.

“Welcome back to my cottage of fun! Hurry and sit on your bums!” Zecora shouted out her window.

Applejack sat obediently on the ground and Nayru sat next to her, although more slowly.

“Is this your native language Zecora?” Nayru randomly blurted out.

Zecora merely stated, “No… this is far from my native tongue, thus I often rhyme to appear fun.”

“Zecora, we need more of your fancy juju stuff.” Applejack calmly explained.

Zecora replied happily, “Just wait you two, I will make another brew!”

Zecora then left the room to go make more of the potion.

Applejack asked kindly, “So tell me about yerself, sugar cube.”

Nayru stared blankly before responding, “What do you want to know?”

“Absolutely everything sugar cube,” Applejack insisted, “What happened to Hylia and all the triforce he bee jee bee.”

“You realize… it is quite a long story… are you sure you are ready for this?” Nayru cautiously questioned.

“I’m sure.” Applejack said nodding.

“Alright,” Nayru began, “There is a place in a different dimension known as the sacred realm… that is where my sisters and I are from. In this world, we were once quite powerful and served along Hylia. Hylia had the ability to predict the future, and foretold our sudden deaths. We were considered by many to be goddesses due to our creation of several lands, but my sisters and I are far from immortal. We decided to put our power together in order to protect it, thus creating the triforce. Hylia was to choose what race would inherit the triforce. Hylia went to many lands and always came back empty. Finally she descended upon Equestria, becoming the princesses you know today.”

“So… is Hyliawhaterface immortal?” Applejack inquired.

“No... But she can live much longer than my sisters and I…” Nayru stated.

Zecora burst back into the room and gave Nayru two more potions.

Nayru shouted before departure, “Thank you Zecora!”

Zecora waved and sent the two back to Ponyville. After navigating through the Everfree forest, the two returned to the library. Nayru quickly gave her sisters the potions and the two drank them.

“Here, now that you two can talk, introduce yourselves!” Nayru exclaimed.

“Hi everyone! I’m Farore. Nice to meet you all! Thanks for helping my sister out! I know she can be quite annoying sometimes…” Farore exclaimed happily.

“Hi all. My name is Din. Thank you for putting up with both Nayru and Farore. That can be quite difficult. I’m the only interesting one!” Din introduced herself, calmly.

Nayru rolled her eyes at her sisters, hoping they would be a bit more polite, however the two were very relaxed which was a good sign to their adjustment to Ponyville.

 

  • Brohoof 2

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Nice work, quite long for a first chapter, but nice to read.

The characters all fit quite well into Equestria, and the idea is pretty creative.

 

Uhm, some parts of the story seem just a bit rushed... like the arrival in Ponyville, the meet-up with Zecora and Celestia, a bit further details, just to make it more in one flow would be nice.

 

Anyways, good job, keep it up!

  • Brohoof 1
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Where should I begin? Well, the first thing is that…I should say that a merging of the Legend of Zelda and Friendship is Magic is quite the concept, I must say. I love Zelda. I love ponies. It’s got to be a win-win situation. I really do like the concept. And you don’t go too much of an easy route. The faceless Goddesses is an interesting idea and overall, I like the foundation of the story and the bare concepts behind it.

 

Now, the writing itself. While I was reading, I constantly noted how the writing could be improved. Specifically dialogue. Zecora should rhyme more.

 

Like "The zebra gasped then asked, "Are you the goddess? Do you bring harm?"

 

would become "I steel myself with great alarm! Are you the Goddess that brings us harm"?

 

Anyway, to continue, Applejack’s dialogue is repetitive and dry. Fluttershy’s is too rigid. Luna is too forceful. The chapter is actually short for an opening for this story. I would recommend boosting it to about 5,000 words or more. Also, the ending could use improving too.

 

Positives:

Neat concept

Good story direction

 

Things to improve on:

Dialogue (especially Applejack/Zecora)

Length

Needs more general description

If there is a mane character then establish it

Take a look at a few odd emotions from the characters

Describe why the Goddesses become ponies

 

Overall, I think you can definitely improve your work and really make it stand out! Good luck.

  • Brohoof 1
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