How many times have you felt alone, left out or left behind, forgotten or betrayed? If you're human like the rest of us, probably more than once.
Growing up I didn't really have any friends, and no one really paid attention to me or to anything I did. I was an outcast among my peers and mostly the guy who got made fun of by everyone for being different. I wasn't different in a bad way, but I didn't always have the best clothing or understand the latest trends.
Family and friends believed I was autistic, thinking I wasn't able to communicate with others like everyone else. That wasn't the case, it was more that I was just excluded from everything.
In middle school the same thing happened, even though I was more in touch with what all the kids were interested in.
However, it was in that time where my first interest in magick began. Granted, I didn't understand it like I do now; and I thought spells and rituals were an external force rather than an internal one. I later found this out when my magick wasn't working and most Wiccan groups didn't accept me since I "wasn't like them".
I was all alone.
I screamed "Help me", hoping some deity would come down and take away all my pain that had only accumulated time and time again when I was pushed to the side to make room for someone else.
The feeling of being used is the worst feeling of all, as far as I'm concerned. Because of my many failures in friendships, I learned pretty quickly that a whole lot of people don't understand how to appreciate all you do for them.
I would buy friends, friendships and even people to hang out with by offering to take them out to dinner or to an event. I'd do anything in order to make sure I wasn't alone.
And when people didn't appreciate what I did for them, I got furious. They only wanted to be with me since I had money - and I didn't have much, either.
However, another lesson was soon learned: people who are only going to be with you because you have money are most likely not worth your time or energy. They're energy vampires - people who feed off of your generousity - and when your patience runs out, so do they.
Since I was (and am) a serious hot head, they tried to block contact with me in every way possible but that didn't stop me from reminding them what they did to me. I was like a cancer that refused to die, making sure that they "get what they deserve".
I would later find out that they would get what they deserve by being driven into a life which none of them wanted. Unplanned pregancy, being kicked out of their home, and financial struggles were all events that devistated the lives of those who took advantage of me.
The worst part was I still had untouched, pent up supplies of anger inside of myself which felt so... unsatisfied. I wanted to see their lives crumble with my own eyes, to make them understand that everything they did to me and how I felt when I gave all I had to no prevail.
Eventually I gave up on my conquest and realized that my struggles were not bringing about fruit. I wanted only one thing: to be loved and I wasn't finding it.
I wanted to be accepted after so many years of what I thought was undeserved suffering for something I had no control over.