Ah, Yoshi's Island. Fond memories for many. But not me. I've never played it before today. I know what you're thinking. How have you never played Yoshi's Island? Well, it's simple. I never had a SNES, and I hardly ever bother with playing ROMs. But then some idiot told me, "Hey, you should totally do Yoshi's Island." And then to make them feel better, I lied and told them that was my plan. >

Anyway, the goal of Yoshi's Island is to get baby Mario safely to the end of the level, where another Yoshi will take over. If you take damage, Mario starts crying and makes a snot bubble (this is just an assumption) that magically fills itself with helium, making baby Mario float around. When Mario is floating around, you have ten seconds to get him back before Kamek's babies kidnap him, no matter how far away you are from the nearest castle.

So this is my playthrough of Yoshi's Island. Enjoy, I guess. Or don't.

After spending the first few minutes randomly jabbing keys on my keyboard to find out how to play, I figured out the basic controls. Z to jump, X to throw eggs at enemies, and A to capture enemies with your tongue.

But first, can I just say how disturbing this game is? I mean, what exactly were the developers thinking when they designed it?

Guy 1: Hey, you know those Mario games?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, those popular ones?

Guy 1: We should make Mario a baby.

Guy 2: Hmm... And gave him a dinosaur to ride on?

Guy 1: And there were lots of dinosaurs and they looked exactly the same except for their color?

Guy 2: And the dinosaurs have ten foot long tongues that they use to stick to the enemies and pull them inside of their mouths!

Guy 1: And then they can swallow them and crap them out inside an egg!

Guy 2: And the eggs magically follow you around!

Guy 1: Well, let's get to developing it!

You get it. This game is just... wrong. However, undeniably fun.

Me about to battle the Smiley Box Face boss. I'd heard dark and scary things about this boss, but I was just barely able to defeat him by jumping underneath him. After I defeated him, he decided to fess up and told me everything about making and throwing eggs, so I generously let him keep his life. I started building my army of eggs.

My army of Yoshilings is complete. These six eggs and I are headed out on our quest to rule the world. Anyone or anything that stands in our way will be demolished.

I recruited a boulder to assist my army and I on our journey. Unfortunately, he had to be left behind soon afterwards because of certain obstacles. His sacrifice will never be forgotten.

My army and I are observing what must be a sign from the gods. After touching it, my comrade Mario was kidnapped by my own kind! However, it was just a misunderstanding. Turns out we were ultimately after the same goal; finding the most delicious cinnamon buns on the planet.

Suddenly, I was ambushed by a large steel ball that resembled a dog. A Chain Chomp! There were many of them, and they were all destroying the terrain. Luckily, I barely made it through with no casualties.

Yoshi is evolving!

I found myself inside a castle of some sort that must not have been very well constructed, because the walls kept falling down. I barely escaped. The owner should really get a renovation or something.

I encountered a dark room filled with many glowing ghosts. After several futile attempts at completing the room, I ultimately gave up and left the room.

Several moments later, I was ambushed by a massive lava monster. The monster continued to idle in one spot, preventing me from continuing my quest, so I did the logical thing. I comitted suicide.

Yeah, well screw you too. That was impossible.