~Master~ Button Mash

I'm an only child. I was my parent's second attempt at a child. I would have had a brother two years older than me had that pregnancy not failed. When I was younger I liked being an only child, but now I kinda wish I had a sibling. It did kind of make me a loner. :/

Since I've been there at times in my life... I see the friendzone as a form of rationalization. A way of dealing with rejection. Whether it's true or not is actually secondary. People want explanation. And they can either look outwardly ("friend zone" explanation), or inwardly (begin questioning what is wrong with them and becoming self conscious of their flaws. Which was my [not so healthy] method). That's my theory. If anything I'd prefer people believe in the friend zone, because at least then their self esteem is left intact.

I got a full 8 hours last night...for once! I usually sleep 5-6 hours a night, but that's not enough for me. I have depression and it only makes it worse. When I sleep more I notice I have more energy, and my mood is better!

Never thought I'd be posting something like this here, but... Put me up on the board with ... ...AND ! Yup, it's exactly what you think it is, but this is a good love triangle! We've all been really good friends for a while now. We really got to know each other through Skype, (Plus I actually met Auron once in person before at BronyCon). And I guess after lots of chatting, we just grew close to each other...really close! And eventually we just kinda opened up to each other, and it turns out each of us felt the same about the others. And I couldn't be happier! I know this isn't the most traditional relationship out there, but who cares? Love is love, and it can come in 2, 3, or more! Love you guys! <3 <3 A heart for both of you! And *pets* . Luv you pet.

Same. But at the same time I don't like being cold. I'd like to think the two are mutually exclusive. I have a lot of trouble separating them, especially after I made some mistakes with my heart. I try, though...

So, today is a major turning point in my life. And well, well...let me just explain it as it comes. I've decided to no longer pursue my dream of being a pilot. Yes, as many of you know, I am currently in school for flight training, and it has long been my singular dream to live my life as an airline pilot and an aerobatic pilot. It had been my dream since before I was in high school, but unfortunately, something else has been a part of me for nearly just as long, something not so nice... ...depression... ...and it's only gotten worse with time, and today I had another breakdown. If you look at some of my posts on the forum (especially Life Advice) lately, you can tell I haven't been in the best place mentally lately. I do nothing but beat myself up, put myself down, and sabotage myself at every turn. Something had to give. And after these last few days of my flying future already being in jeopardy due to money issues, I've decided to pull the plug anyway, even if I found a way to afford it? Why? It's not worth it. Life has become too painful. The world feels so cold. I feel so lonely. Everything feels so pointless. I can't connect to people emotionally. I fear social interaction. My self confidence couldn't be lower. I feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world. I simply can't take this depression anymore. My wheels are spinning. I need help, I need medication, and unfortunately I can't really make a career out of flying with this level of depression, even with medication. The amount of red tape (including an expensive psychological examination, as well as 12 months of grounding) needed to keep flying on antidepressants is a hurdle I can't handle, and coupled with the fact that I still have no money (and what I have...a good chunk will probably go to depression therapy)...I just can't do both at once anymore. If this is the life I have to live if it means flying, it's not worth it. I'd rather give up flight training to get my emotion, my spirit, MYSELF back, then...well, thats the choice I had to make. It still hurts...a lot. I cried...A LOT...today. Plan B: Majoring in Aerospace engineering. Minoring in graphic design.

They always come back.

Honestly, I am a bit worried about the forum, now. EqF had a phase where a lot of members were hooking up with each other, and it eventually tore the forum apart.

Kissed with fire and death. Slew mode was full of lol for me, too.

Impulsivity, macho, and invulnerability? Wow, three of the five hazardous attitudes in one moment. xD Yes, I'm a pilot IRL so I find macabre humor in applying real life knowledge to this.

Dat runway incursion.

Honestly, I don't know anymore. I'm a bit of a late bloomer (I didn't even have a first kiss until 19...so yeah, I'm a REALLY late bloomer), so I'm still trying to figure it out. I had too many demons in HS to bother with dating. And well, I don't wanna talk about it anymore than that because it just hurts too much. But anyway... If you asked me right now, I'd honestly say "not good." I've always had a really, really hard time connecting with people on an emotional level. Or a physical level. I got bullied a lot, so both of those things make me uneasy. I like emotional and physical personal space, a LOT of it. Functionally, I'm an intellectual, analytical. I trust my brain, not my gut. Which is a problem because love isn't logical, it's not rational. On the contrary, it's 100% illogical. As a pair-bonding system for Darwinian survival, it is horribly inefficient. So as a nonlogical device of life, it's always eluded me, as has most factors of social interaction. (Before you ask, no I do not have Aspergers, even though what I say might make it seem like it. I DO have an INTJ personality, though) Anyway, earlier this year, I had my first ever relationship, with someone on these forums. I listened to my gut, and opened up my heart to someone. I had planned so much for us, a future. My mind ran wild. It was the first time in my life I truly felt love. I still remember those first few days after we got together...I felt like I was on speed. For once, I felt like I had meaning. Then we met IRL, and...well, turns out we were different people than we thought we were. Imagine my heart being thrown off a skyscraper. That's what it felt like. My world crumbled. Ever since then, I've been...broken? I've completely shut down emotionally. I just can't trust my gut anymore after betraying me like that. So I just live my life by cold, calculating logic now. The whole experience kind of scarred me, I think. I'm less emotional, more self conscious, more distrusting of other people, I feel more alien around other people, love feels alien to me. I just feel...dead inside. After that my shyness got even worse. I tried opening up to someone else, but they couldn't deal with my shyness so they up and left, too. I don't know. Pretty sure I'm not cut out to be loved, anyway. I feel really self conscious about being such a late bloomer and I feel like I'm stunted because I didn't develop relationship skills back in high school when it would've been easier, so now I compensate by trying to fill in my gaps in what is an EMOTIONAL SKILL with intellect, and it simply doesn't work. For example, I try to intellectualize what a "crush" is supposed to feel like, without actually FEELING a crush or feeling of love. Meaning when I see someone I like, I try to wonder if I "think" I like them instead of if I "feel" like I like them, how it should be. Which makes approaching people feel...cold. I have no emotional drive to push me to approach them, just pure intellect where I "think" I like them. Though it doesn't even matter, because I would never approach them in the first place, because before I even got the chance, I'd have given up because I would've rationalized to myself that I would've had zero chance anyway (regardless of whether that's true or not IRL, it's true in my own head). And even then I wouldn't even know how to ask someone on a date, or even for their number, in an organic way, because my mind works so fast and the way it is wired that the ONLY things I can say are things I have thought and analyzed. I am so self conscious that I lost the ability to just think and speak on my feet. I'm bi, and my only two relational experiences were with men. I am currently trying to court a woman for the first time (or at least I want to. She works in the campus library, and I don't even know if she knows who I am or not). So couple my self confidence issues and INTJ nature, with the mystery of the opposite sex (I'm better around men, because I know what it's like to be a man. I don't know what it's like to be a woman!), and it just makes all of this 1000x worse. Plus it doesn't help that my dorm mates gave me ZERO support, and actually put me down when I told them I wanted to ask her out. It's weird, I don't know if it's just my intellectual take on this emotional subject, desperation, or a mix, but I think my focused, structured take on love makes me miss other opportunities for love that are out there. And when I think about the chances I've missed, am missing, and will miss in the future, I can't help but tear up. So, as it stands... What is my idea of love? A stiff fucking drink. I'm going to be completely honest, I'm HIGHLY suspicious of all this "forum couples" crap lately. Call me cynical, cal me a pessimist, but I've experienced first hand what it's like to build someone up through a keyboard and monitor, only to have your dreams crushed when you meet them in person. Just...be careful, people.

1. You're only 11. Don't even worry about relationships for a few more years. When I was 11 I was sad about missing Spongebob, not sad because I didn't have a special somepony. 2. I know that it's hard to not feel desperate when everyone else around you has someone (*nervous laugh trailing off into a depressed sigh*), but it's actually counterintuitive and you end up hurting your chances. You end up narrowing your focus to a place where you think you'll find love, when really love could come form anywhere!

Yes, yes it is.

Taste the Rainbow? More like the Rainbow's tasting me!

Toplel, but I still think Scootaloo is a better Jebediah Kerman than Applebloom.

I seriously can't be the only one on here that play's Kerbal Space Program, right? So those of you who play it, talk about it here! What do you build and where do you fly?