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Willow

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Blog Entries posted by Willow

  1. Willow
    It's been a while since I last posted; right before Christmas break.
     
    As of now, I have officially started my second semester of college. Everything has gone smoothly so far, but that is not the reason for this post.
     
    The reason for this post is to get something off my chest.
     
     
     
    During my freshman year of high school, I was extremely pale. I didn't go out often, so I had little pigment. Normally, the only problem that pale people face is sunburns; however, for me that was the least of my worries.
     
    You see, there was this kid, went by Mikhail, at my school. He was crazy. Anyway, he hung out with my group of friends, and, over time, wholly believed that I was a vampire, due to my pale complexion and aversion to standing in the sun for too long, as I didn't want to get sunburns.
     
    Over the course of the year, he tried to buddy up with me, showing me jewelry and stuff he had, like this silver necklace. I have no clue what he did to it, but he pressed it to my skin one day, and it left a burn on my arm, blistering up for a whole two weeks at the least.
     
    This is when shit hit the fan.
     
    Neat the end of the year, he brought a vampire hunting kit to school to show off; holy water, silver crosses, stakes, the works. Now, this kid was crazy, but he was also insanely good at hand-to-hand combat and the like.
     
    Before I knew it, he had me pinned against the wall, with a wooden stake to my heart.
     
    I don't know if he was intent on killing me or not, because before he could do anything, my friend had pulled him off. After this, he laughed and put the stake away, saying it was a joke.
     
    Now, some of you may not believe this story; it does sound a little far-fetched, but I swear it's the truth.
     
    Now, I suffer panic attacks when I see him and have to deal with my friends thinking it's funny to hold sharp objects to my heart, while I just force myself to laugh it off.
     
    Anyway, just needed to vent about this, otherwise I was afraid I'd have another panic attack.
     
    Good day to you all.
     
    Brendan.
  2. Willow
    Hey, everypony. I'm back again with another post. This time, I'm writing about one of the biggest thing I deal with on a daily basis; feeling alone.
     
    I live in a city of 100,000, give or take. I'm surrounded everyday by people, just like you and me, who go about their daily lives, maybe having the same interests as I do. I think about this, and yet, my mind always wanders back to one thought.
     
    I'm alone.
     
    Now, I know I'm not ACTUALLY alone; I have friends. However, I know no one on my college campus except my roommate. All of my friends either go to different colleges and I don't speak to them on a regular basis, or the ones I DO speak to every day live miles away. Example. My best friend, one of the only people I'm close to, lives over 500 miles away. I can only speak to her through the internet, and soon, I'm not going to even have that, as I have to move out and go back home for Christmas break, and I have no wifi at my house.
     
    This brings me back to my original point. Not having these people I hold dear to my heart close to me, not being able to be with them, not being able to see them... it makes me feel completely and utterly alone in this world. I'm surrounded by people, and yet I feel isolated. Not to mention my social anxiety makes it almost impossible to make friends. The closes I get to being near these people are the recent phone calls from my best friend (which may or may not be frequent, depending on how her relationship with her mom goes), and seeing my girlfriend on weekends, and seeing one of my other friends hardly ever.
     
    Now, I didn't write this for sympathy; I wrote this blog post because maybe, just maybe, someone on this website is feeling the same way, and I want them to know that they aren't alone. I want them to know that there are other people who feel the same way, and maybe take solace in the fact that they aren't alone.
     
    If any of you need someone to talk to, if you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on when you feel that there isn't anyone else you can turn to, you can come to me. I'll listen.
     
    Until next time, everypony.
     
    -Brendan
  3. Willow

    Update w/poem

    By Willow,

    Here I am again, with another blog post. Apologies for the inactivity on the blog; I haven't been in a good time of my life for the past couple of months.
     
    Update on my life: I don't remember talking about this, but in November, I lost one of the closest people to me; my step-father. He lost a battle against liver cancer only two months after I found out. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for the kind of pain you experience when you lose your father.
     
    Two months later, my great-grandfather died. I hadn't had time to recover from the loss of my step-father, and I was crushed.
     
    Not only that, but I haven't heard from a close friend of mine in over four months, and it's eating me up inside not knowing if they're okay or not.
     
    To add onto this, I'm on academic probation at my college. If I fail this semester, I'll be booted from college.
     
    Thankfully, I met someone here on the forums who has become my best friend; someone who takes all of my pain away.
     
    So, that's about all I can think of to update about.
     
    As for that poem, it's still a work in progress, but here it is:
     
    I take the pen, look down at pages blank
    I've lost my will to write since you went away.
    The day you left, my inspiration did to.
    Because my inspiration died the same day as you.
     
    I take pen to paper, my feelings I release,
    And oddly, the writing brings me peace.
    Penning these words to your memory,
    Brings unknown calm washing over me.
     
    So, without further ado, I bid you farewell, until the next time.
     
    Brendan.
  4. Willow
    In roughly 40 minutes, I will be taking my last final of the semester; my math final. After this, I have three weeks of free time to do (mostly) whatever I want. I'm sure plenty of people in my position would love to have three weeks out of school, especially college.
     
    However, I'm not looking forward to it.
     
    I have almost nothing to do at home. I have no internet, and pretty much the only way I can contact some of my friends, especially my best friend, is through the internet.
     
    For three weeks, I will be virtually alone. I'll have maybe two friends to hang out with, and one of them has internet (well, they both have internet, just one has really bad internet). For about a week of this whole break, I'll have a pretty good time, only because I'll be with my girlfriend. However, after said week, we both have to go visit our mothers, and that's when everything will kick in; my loneliness, depression and whatever else wants to sneak up on me.
     
    However, I remain hopeful, as I know I'll be back in my dorm, with my internet and my best friend, and not as much loneliness, and new classes that I'm pretty excited for.
     
    I hope that everypony here has a wonderful holiday season.
     
    Until next time.
     
    -Brendan.
  5. Willow

    Another day down

    By Willow,

    Yesterday was such a lovely day for me. Not only did I miss one of my final exams that I may or may not get to take, depending on how lenient my professor is, I also had an absolutely terrific experience.
     
    I'd say it was about... 4:30 central time. I was talking to my best friend on the phone, before I had to go down to my college cafeteria for country fried porkchops with carrots and green beans, and we were having an absolutely awesome time. We were both happy as can be, enjoying each other's "company," and then it went to hell quickly; her dad got home from work. Now, her dad is kind of okay with her talking to me, but he likes to make fun of her for talking to people on the phone, especially when it's guys she talks to. He walked into her room once, and kind of did that, and things were pretty okay. She was a little annoyed, as I would be too.
     
    However, he came in a second time. He was angry at something (I don't know what) and started yelling at her. I couldn't tell what he was saying, since it was muffled, but it didn't sound good. I sat there, trying to stay quiet while I heard my friend yelling back at him, telling him to stop doing something. After this was all over, she came back on the phone, crying. After about 5 minutes of me trying to console her, she went quiet, and hung up after about 10 minutes of that.
     
    I got extremely worried; her dad has a history of physically abusing both her and her brother. I was scared for her, as I didn't know if he had hit her or not for whatever it was that he was angry about. While she was gone, I threw myself into a full on panic attack; not a small one, either. I could barely hold anything, my hands were shaking so bad. I couldn't breathe, and I felt about ready to faint.
     
    No matter what I did, I couldn't stop going over the scenario in my head.
     
    That's when I started to message my ex about it, since we've stayed friends since our break-up, and I knew that she would be ready to help me, and she made me realize something:
     
    I worry too much.
     
    From what I understand, he didn't do anything to hurt her, all he did was try and forcefully take the phone from her so he could harass both me and her, and it upset her pretty badly. And yet, there I was, worrying my head off thinking that he had hurt her somehow. I always worry about the worst possibilities, especially if they are beyond my control. And I realized that this is one of my biggest flaws.
     
    Anyway, that was just a recap and realization I had about myself during the amazing day I had yesterday. I hope all of you here had better days than I did, and I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow/today.
     
    Until next time.
     
    -Brendan
  6. Willow

    Introduction

    By Willow,

    Hello, everypony. My name is Brendan. I'm a 19 year old college student from Oklahoma who is just trying to get through life one day at a time. I have a girlfriend of two and a half years, two younger brothers, one in the first grade and one who is a year younger than I, a step-brother, in his 20s, and a "little sister," 13. I put this in quotations as she is not really my sister; we're not even related by blood. But, she's like the little sister I never had, and she's my best friend.
     
    A little bit about myself: I've had mild depression for about five years now, left untreated, I'm currently going to college for psychology, so I can become a mental health counselor and help people, since I never had help myself. I don't want people to have to go through the same things I did. If I could change just one life, I would say I had done my job.
     
    My life has been a mix of ups and downs, the same as almost every human being on this planet. When I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my dead grandfather. Throughout the years, I have dealt with the loss of my friend, my great- and step-uncles, my grandfather, as stated, and, most recently, my father.
     
    I have really bad social anxiety; I can hardly ever bring myself to talk face-to-face with someone, which is why almost all of my friends are online.
     
    Now, this blog will just be me updating about how my life is going; college, life, etc. I hope that, through this, I can share some of myself with the wonderful users of this website, maybe even make some new friends.
     
    Until next time.
     
    -Brendan
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