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Status Replies posted by Thuja
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Wishing all my lovely deer members here a lovely Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all around good cheer!
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Does anyone have any tips for MTF voice training?
I'm going to try the Android apps (or sites, if a good one is shown to me) first, cause I'm more easily able to afford apps-
Masculine people tend to talk from their chest, try to talk from at least the back of your throat if you want your voice sounding a bit more higher pitched. I'm not mtf, obviously, but it's what's helped me the most as an ftm person. It'll take a while but I'm sure with some practice you'll get to it!!
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Everyone, I'm safe now
I have escaped my abuser and am now in the safety of my aunts care
Thank you to everyone who's supported me and got me this far. <3 I'll probably be awhile to adjust to my new life and heal after everything that happened this year. I have the best friends in the world and family that supports me. Tomorrow is a new day and for once I can relax and get a good nights sleep.
Love you, friends. <3
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I'm sorry. I failed.
I'm very ashamed to return and admit that but I failed. I was all ready to go, had my pockets lined with my things and was staring down the road. But my body wouldn't move. Hunger? Weakness? Nerves? All of those things maybe. After walking as far as I could I returned and cried. Thought about mom and cried some more. I've been beating myself up for the last several hours. After posting a promise, a goodbye and having so much support behind me, I couldn't move.
I'll try again tomorrow. Maybe I'll have more strength then. If not, I think another course of action will have to be taken.
I'm sorry for disappointing you, friends. I hope tomorrow, or one of these days I can come here again and proudly say I'm contacting you all from a safe place.
Thank you. <3
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It may take some time but I'm very proud of you for making that first step. It takes a lot of guts to even attempt leaving and you did just that. You'll get out, I know you will. It may take a while to really steel your nerves but I have faith that you'll get to a point when you can look back and be glad that you truly left!!
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Goodbye, everyone.
I am leaving my abusive house first thing in the morning to find hopefully better days. I'm unsure when I'll be back here or if I will survive. I hope to see you all as soon as I can.
Thank you all for the support and love. <3
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@Woohoo @Sparklefan1234 @Nsxile 🔥🐲 @TheRockARooster @Annie @strongwilled_pegasus @You @Miss @StarrySkyDash @Cirrus. @Dark Bun @Dark Horse @Megas @Cwanky @Envy @Pastel Heart @Thuja @DivineNightmare1000
If you were a robot, you'd tell me, right?
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I wish I was a Titan.
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Even the new name can’t mask my pain.
I feel like giving up.
Why do I keep going when I’m not needed or wanted.
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I was hoping that he wouldn't come until Nightmare Night but I can't stop him.
He's almost here...............................
Bye all, I can't do anything about it.
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Wow, that topic was getting outta hand.
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Wow, that topic was getting outta hand.
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Wow, that topic was getting outta hand.
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Come and get it.
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Come and get it.
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Sometimes, I wish my mom would speak to me again. I just wish I didn't have to move out if I wanted to be myself in the first place.
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I think for my mom, it's more from a place of anger. Before I moved out of her place, she used to go on these rants about how trans people were ugly and how she was the victim and how much it hurt her to see me become ugly. I say to that that I prefer being ugly, happy and alive over being miserable and pretty and probably mentally worse off. When I came out, we had an argument but at that point, I had already moved out. So instead she drove over to my nurse's office and dropped everything off that was remotely mine that she was hanging onto for me. She even gave me back paintings I had made for her birthday a long time ago.
She's a very stubborn person and saw my need for going to a therapist as a weakness, so she got especially angry at me when I suggested she talk to my therapist at the time to help her sort out her feelings. Well she wouldn't go, she's not crazy and how dare I her confused daughter suggest she go to therapy? Sometimes I hope that maybe she'd realize that her reaction was wrong but I figure she doesn't care anymore because she's not one to let go of a grudge easily.
It's funny to think of that because of the values she holds priority over, dissuade that sort of behaviour. Whenever I tried to talk to her about how our culture was accepting of two-spirit people, she would automatically say it's meant for something else and how I wasn't a leader in any regards. She's a confusing person to talk to, to put it lightly.
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Sometimes, I wish my mom would speak to me again. I just wish I didn't have to move out if I wanted to be myself in the first place.
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Well, my appointment went well.
Final appointment with my therapist, she was the best.
I really hope the next one I received is like her.
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THEY JUST RELEASED THE PC SPECS FOR CYBERPUNK 2077!!!!!!!!!!!! I NOW KNOW I CAN PLAY THE GAME!!! Going to preorder as soon as I can afford it~!!!!!!!!
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Morning
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Am I trying too hard?
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In the words of a few wiccans, "Do no harm but take no shit" Personally, I think the world needs to be a kinder place and we need to care more for each other. At the same time, however, there're people who don't care about anyone else besides their own selfish wants. I think kindness and knowing when to set your boundaries comes with practice. Sometimes you just need to tell people to back off, other times you need to keep people close because they make you happy or they need help themselves. Also, as we spoken of before, you need to know when to pick your battles. Sometimes it's best to simply drop things and other times it's worth the fight but again that's something that comes with practice and experiencing different situations.
I think the only time someone can be too nice is when they roll over and let people walk all over them even if they themselves are hurt from it. There's a point to when being "too nice" can actually be toxic for yourself and those around you. Don't be afraid to set boundaries with people, sometimes a little awkwardness is necessary for a healthy relationship with someone, no matter what sort of relationship it is. Communication is key.
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I was able to return. And as promised, I will now come clean. No more hiding.
The reasons for my various breakdowns, depressing comments, disappearances have not been random. For awhile I've been saying how circumstances in my life have caused me to lose this and that. I was afraid of saying anything in fear that she may find out, or something may happen that makes things even worse. But after being isolated for awhile and thinking, I don't wanna be afraid anymore. So here it is.
For the last 8 months, I have been abused by my older sister/caretaker. Emotionally, financially, and to a degree, physically. I have been subjected to humiliation, demeaning language, name calling, demoralization, hits to my self esteem, my head being shaved to conform to my biological sex, deadnaming, threats, manipulation and many other things. As well as financial; any money that goes to me, when it ever does, goes to her. In addition, she has restricted my access to the internet, what programs, movies and TV I can watch, as well as grueling workout regiments that have taken a toll on my body and my self esteem. I only eat one meal a day; two if I'm lucky, and I'm only able to eat what I'm given. There has been some physical abuse, a slap and a full body shake (I'm a small frame), as well as threats of beatings. Empty threats, hopefully. I have lost a lot of weight since I've been here, to a point where it's personally uncomfortable for me. She has made me feel worthless, weak, afraid and my self esteem is rock bottom. This isn't family. Love shouldn't hurt. Even "tough love". Some things here have already been known by the most trusted of my friends, but now, I guess everyone knows. This is what has happened to me, and as we speak I am looking for ways to escape without ending up homeless. I was able to put up with much of the abuse, hoping that someone, somewhere would help me. After being deprived of internet for days on end, having basically NO ONE to reach out to as a result and eroding mentally, it was the straw that broke the camels back. And I still have that hope. It's a matter of when and where. Do not be alarmed, my life is not in danger. But my sanity and potential livelihood very much is... though you could say that an endangered livelihood is an endangered life too.
The good thing is, I've spoken to and am still reaching out to hotlines and discreet resources working on a way to get away safely without living on the street, and am listening closely for potential neighbors or friends who can help me
This has also all helped me realize something. When I am able to come back here, and see the love I've made and the friends I've bonded with, I've figured out what true happiness is. Happiness isn't what you can buy, accomplishing something huge, taking over the world... happiness is being able to smile, laugh and relax with the people you love and care for. Who accept you for who you are. The love you make is equal to the love you take, a Beatles song goes. And that is why it's important to say how much I care about and love the people I've come to, and have loved me as I am.
I'll make some individual mentions, but don't feel bad if you're not here; I'm pressed for time to post this in case I get cut off again. I'm always up for DMs.
@Dynamo Pad My light, my love. Has stood by me through all this and has literally saved my life. I dream of the day I can be far away and by your side. For now, we RP and dream. ♡
@Stone Cold Steve Tuna Has been like a big brother, one of the most supportive and kindest people ever. You deserve happiness too.
@GeneralDirection RPs, buying me gifts when it wasn't necessary, complaining about things that annoy us, you're one of my best friends and you don't give yourself enough credit.
@Treeglow Flicker I admire you so much. You inspired me to come out as trans on the forums and I hope I can be as strong and kind as you.
@TheRockARooster One of my first friends here. I love confiding in you and discussing wrestling, one of my few passions. ♡
@Thuja Another very brave person I admire. Stay amazing~
@Derpsieh Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I've never bonded with someone so quickly and easily as I have with you. When you come back I hope you see this and know I appreciate you.
@Samurai Equine You're so supportive, kind, and the RP we joined together introduced me to many fun times and the love of my life. Thank you. And even if i disappear for awhile I know I'll have lots of fun to read up on and I know my characters will be used awesomely!
@Bastian In you I see myself when I was happier. If only we met at a different time we coulda been thick as thieves. I love discussing politics and Cuba, a country I've always been deeply curious about and fascinated with, as well as retro games you're just discovering.
@Sparklefan1234 My best wrestling best friend... something? Forever. You're kinda WWE influenced, but I enjoy talking wrestling whenever you're not making new sigs. Haha. I wish we could talk more.
@Pandora 🐼 I know you're going through a lot right now, but when you get back, know that I'd love to talk cute anime again and relax with you.
@Emerald Heart Truth be told... I'm deeply envious of you. A good life, real life friends, modern interests everyone understands, a living mom that loves you... It makes it hard to relate to you at times, but I know you're very sweet and my friend and I'd love to party with you one day. ♡
If this kinda status update is too intense, I'll take a friendly warning and edit it... but for the sake of it, I hope I can be allowed to open up about this and let my friends know I love them.
Even in darkness. Even if we're far apart, we're always connected. Thank you all, and no matter what happens, I love you all ♡
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I'm so sorry your sister is treating you in such a horrible way. Personally, I think the family we surround ourselves with isn't those we share blood with, but people that hold us up and encourage us to be and live the way we wish to. As far as I'm concerned, she isn't your sister anymore by treating you like that, she's some sort of stranger. I'm so glad that you're taking steps to get out of that situation. I really wish I could do more for you besides giving you well-wishings but I hope you can get out of your current situation sooner rather than later. No one deserves to be treated so inhumanely by someone they're supposed to trust. Good luck and please stay safe!!!!
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Writing this while I'm still able to. I may have not much time to use the internet. I love all of my friends so much no matter what ♡ If I am able to return, I will open up about everything that has happened this year, if that's okay. You all deserve to know the truth and what's been happening to me.
See you when I see you. Love you all ♡