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Jadefire

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Blog Entries posted by Jadefire

  1. Jadefire
    I'm not suicidal, and I've never had to deal with a loved one committing suicide. And I pray I never will.
     
    They say that people with depression don't want to burden others with their problems. They often feel like they're hurting others enough already and they don't feel like they're worth it for anyone to waste their time with them. They just want to slip away so their suffering will end and other people can move on with their lives.
     
    I'm afraid it doesn't work like that.
     
    Love goes both ways. If you have a loved one, then that means they love you as much as you love them. When someone loses a loved one, they will grieve heavily. The loss of a loved one is one of the most horrible kinds of pain a person will have to endure: doubly so if the loved one becomes more and more miserable and ruined, refusing to seek help or to accept help because they don't want to burden anyone.
     
    Ironically, it just magnifies the burden placed on loved ones.
     
    My best friend has severe depression. He's attempted suicide at least once, and had serious suicidal fantasies at least twice.
     
    He is also very dear to me. He brings me love, hope, happiness, and companionship. He's there for me when I'm lonely and I desperately need a friend. We've been best friends for as long as I can remember, and I am a better person for having him around.
     
    Without him, I'd be devastated. I'd grieve for him harder than I would most other people. His death would kill me: a part of me will die with him. It'll be a horrible experience I don't even want to think about. I will grieve for him for years. And I will always be haunted by everything: what could I have done to save him? Why couldn't have I been strong enough to do something when he desperately needed help? Why didn't I try harder? Why did this have to happen?
     
    And even if he dies a more natural way: illness, fire, car accident, the horror will always be there at the back of my mind: did he commit suicide? Did I miss the signs? Was there something I could've done to find out if he was in serious trouble? Why didn't I pay closer attention?
     
    This self-blame and grief will be a crippling burden that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
     
     
     
    My point is, depression gives you the erroneous delusion that it's better not to burden your loved ones with your problems. As someone who has loved ones with suicidal tendencies (my grandmother also struggles with depression), I can assure you with absolute sincerity that your death will be a far more crippling burden than anything you could possibly do to them while you're alive.
     
    You do not have to fear that you're bothering anyone. And I speak from personal experience when I say that their greatest wish is to help you, and that the thought of you suffering and dying is the most burdening thing. Seeking their help, seeking anyone's help, letting them in and getting help dealing with your problems will go miles towards easing their burdens.
     
    You are worth it. If your loved ones want to help you, let them in.
  2. Jadefire
    Canon: (n) In the context of story franchises, canon is the official accepted story on which third-party material is judged. If something is non-canon, for example, that means it goes against what is officially established or it won't be considered to be part of the actual story. Fanfics are non-canon by their very nature, for example.
     
    Cannon: (n) a combat weapon that is used to fire large ballistic projectiles. I.E., the cannons on a battleship, a classic colonial cannonball cannon, or a handcannon (which is slang for a remarkably large handgun).
     
    Please to be not mixing these terms up kthxbai
  3. Jadefire
    Brony: (n) A fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic who is outside the target demographic, and either self-identifies as a Brony (or Pegasister) or is part of the fan community.
     
    Furry: (n) A fan of anthropomorphic animal art and/or other general paraphanilia (anthropomorphic can refer to physical anthros or to those who exhibit sapience or otherwise human-like minds), and either self-identifies as a Furry or is part of the Furry Fandom.
     
    Zoophile: (n) Someone who bones or wants to bone non-sapient animals, or has a fetish for the same. (Some groups don't even make exceptions for sapience, either)
     
    There can be, and often is, a lot of overlap between the three groups, but to consider that being one automatically makes you one or both of the others is incorrect and usually means that you're either ignorant or a retard.
     
    I apologize for disrespecting those with mental disabilities, but I want to make a point.
  4. Jadefire
    So I was wandering around youtube when I came across this trailer for Gyakuten Saiban 5...
     

     
    I've seen the old teaser trailer for the new Phoenix Wright game, but I haven't seen this one until just today. After watching it, my response was pretty much this:
     

  5. Jadefire
    So, yesterday morning I was told that I'm losing my tuition and won't be going back to college, a fun little experience that has left me completely depressed with no idea what I'm going to be doing with my life now among other more personal things I don't want to talk about (not to mention the embarassment of breaking down into tears in front of my own mother). On top of that, earlier this week I learned that my best friend had relapsed hard in his depression and started self-cutting again, which finally culminated in a complete breakdown yesterday afternoon.
     
    So, in short, no tuition, unclear future, a possibly suicidal best friend, and several reminders of how truly disabled I am (that's another story I don't want to get into).
     
    This is going to be such a fun weekend.
     
     
    Edit: Yeah, this might be a bit of a "first-world-problems" thing, but there's some other more personal issues that occurred that I don't want to get into.
  6. Jadefire
    The motivation for Desperado and World Marshall was the Sears Program, where they kidnap a pile of 10-ish-year-old children, have them undergo VR training of them fighting in brutal wars and committing atrocities to break their minds, then build them into cyborgs. The idea was to create an army of cyborg war criminals who get off on destruction and murder, and therefor have powerful soldiers who won't hold back. This plan was called the Sears Program, as it was inspired to be the VR equivilent of what George Sears (aka Solidus Snake) did in Liberia in the 1980s: raised a bunch of child soldiers to fight in the civil war there, and resulted in the sadistic killer Jack "The Ripper", who grew up into Raiden.
     
    In Metal Gear Solid 2, Solidus discovered the S3 Plan, and believed it to be a project of the Patriots to create super soldiers, by taking in a young soldier and putting through extensive VR training and live roleplay-esque training ops to mold them into the perfect soldiers. Raiden was chosen for the S3 plan in the end. S3 stood for Solid Snake Simulation, as Solid Snake was "the perfect soldier" to base the project on, and the Big Shell incident, the live training op, was a mockup of the Shadow Moses incident. (However, it was later revealed that the S3 plan was actually something else entirely: it didn't refer to Raiden or Snake, but was actually referring to the Patriot AIs: it was a training program to teach them how to control the world. Or something like that.)
     
    The S3 plan (as Solidus thought it was) was a training regimen inspired by Shadow Moses to make Raiden a replica of Snake, and the Sears Program 9 years later was a training regimen inspired by the Liberian Civil War to make a bunch of kids into replicas of Raiden.
     
    I know it's invalidated since S3 turned out to be something else, but still, food for thought.
  7. Jadefire
    Dear Princess Celestia...
     
    Friendship means something different to different people. Some people may need to have many friends to feel fulfilled, whereas introverts like me can be satisfied with only one or two true friends.
     
    But if there is one detail that transcends them all, is that friends are there for each other. Everyone has something to offer, whether it be as big as financial support or even simple companionship.
     
    Friends are companions, they support you, they help you, they entertain you, they give you advice, money, direction, camradarie, or even something to do to pass the time on a boring day.
     
    Friends may be as loose as fellow people who share a similar interest, or it may be as strong as a true companion who's as intimate as your own kin. But friends always have something to offer.
     
    It is not one-sided. If they had nothing to gain, why would they have put the effort to befriend you in the first place? That alone is proof you have something to offer.
     
    Doubly so if you are an introvert, who tend to forge much stronger and more intimate (sexual, romantic, and platonic) relationships with what few friends they have than the average person. If said friend is an introvert, than you may mean more to them than you realize.
     
    And that is something to be proud of, not weirded out by. Human beings, as flawed and violent as we are, are ultimately designed to want to be needed. Psychiatry and sociology proves it. But I won't get into that now.
     
    My point being, friends are there because they have something to offer you, and are friends with you because you have something to offer them. Otherwise, you wouldn't have become friends to begin with. You have something to offer them, even if it's something as simple and innocent as being their friend.
     
    When life is difficult and things look bleak, remember everyone who stood with you. Especially your true companions who've stuck with you through time, through thick and thin, and through the comfort and painn. And always remember how much you must mean to them.
     
    Your faithful subject,
    Jadefire
     
     
    Tl;dr: Never abandon your friends. They may need your companionship as much as you need theirs.
  8. Jadefire
    In my last blog, I talked about what happened to my pet dog...
     
    Well, good news. It's been a couple days, and she's recovered remarkably well. It might still be too early to tell, but she's regained use of her legs and can support weight on them. :3
     
    I'm sure she may never be able to run again, but it looks like she can get herself from point A to point B without needing assistance, and that's good enough for us. She still has vitality in her, and since we have some experience with special-needs pets. All we have to do is watch for pain and keep it properly managed, and everything'll be just peachy.
     
    All in all, life is good. :3
  9. Jadefire
    Yesterday, my dog (a female American Cocker Spaniel) got hurt somehow when chasing our cat, and we had though she dislocated her hip, since she had difficulty using her hips/hind legs afterwards. Today, we took her to the vet.
     
    Turns out, the news is worse. She has a ruptured disk in her spine, and there is major swelling on her spinal chord, giving her nerve damage. This, probably combined with the pain of the injury itself, means she is effectively partially paralyzed from the waist down, and we don't know if she'll be able to recover.
     
    In a week, we will see how much she's healed. If her condition improves, then we'll work with her until she gets better (we have experience with special-needs pets). If her paralysis gets worse and she loses bowel and/or bladder control, then we're most likely going to have her put down. In the meantime, we'll be giving her anti-swelling meds and working with her until we see any changes in either direction (we should see some improvement or worsening within seven days).
     
    I've been depressed the last week or so, and when I'm finally better, all this happens. This is the last kind of a bullshit I need on my plate right now.
  10. Jadefire
    ...because I bucking called it!
     
    I was looking through my old blogs, and I came across this old post I made during the Alicorn Twilight drama before Season 3 ended, before the Equestria Girls kerfuffle started up:
     
    http://mlpforums.com/blog/160/entry-2886-im-just-going-to-call-it-now/
     
    It's not Season 4, but I think Equestria Girls still counts, right? x3
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