DuskSong

"I've got the whole world in front of me, I'm not letting go till I say!" ~ Sleeping With Sirens I'm finding these days get shorter and shorter as I get older. Hell, it's been 2 years since 2016 already, how implausible is that? I think the only stable, constant thing in my life for a while has been change. It's been a year since I cut my hair short and re-styled it. At the time, it didn't seem like a huge thing to me apart from physical appearance and the fact that I really wanted a new cut, but after all I went through following that event, I can't say I can easily look at old photos and recognize the person in it. I guess it boiled down to the day where I looked in the mirror and realized that I am not the same person I had been for years. My surroundings and the people I associated with changed me for the better, even though I had to suffer to learn some lessons. For years, I loved gaming and used it as an escape to get away from all the negativity that was drowning me, but even that became tainted as my friends changed, too. At the end of each school day, I went home, feeling alone. This was probably a large reason as to why my ex manipulated and changed me so easily, because she was the only one I had. Looking in that mirror became more painful every day before I did something about it, and with each gaze, my mind buzzed with so many thoughts that circled my head and it became like static as I grew in anger with the person I had become. With every reason I had to cut it, and subconsciously wanting to rebel against the ex that I had thoughts of leaving all the way back then, I cut it all off, and styled it into a cleaner, sharper taper. I looked in that mirror, and it felt as if an era of my life had closed, and I was right, for the most part. I started becoming skeptical of who I was hanging out with at this time, too. I'd get mocked or laughed at for showing emotion or not always being happy. I was seen as different and I didn't feel like I belonged due to my lack of athletic ability, my humor not being the same, my personality conflicting. The end of the school year of 2017 was one of my lowest points, I was forcing myself to act different to gain approval and I lost sight of myself. I was also changing my whole personality, likes, dislikes for a girl who became my downfall. It only takes one time for me to learn, though. I found myself using gaming as nothing more than an escape as I struggled to truly enjoy gaming as a hobby anymore. I kept gaming, and met some good friends, but faced a lot of drama with some bad people during September. After October, I ditched gaming and haven't returned since, finding other passions and hobbies to take up my time, while also avoiding memories from the past that held on for far too long. I've been taking time to recover, find my happiness, and my self, again. I found help and support in a group of friends who I barely hung out with a year ago, and they made the process much easier. Soon after, I dyed my hair because I needed an emotional reset, and as weird as it sounds, a change of hair color allowed me to escape into a bit of a different personality for awhile. I also picked up new hobbies, rollerskating, guitar, writing, and others. Lately, I've stopped caring completely about judgements of others. To quote Hayley Williams, "To anyone who told you you're no good, they're no better". I still hear remarks about me and insults, but I ignore it. They're not worth the fight, and they don't matter. I walk with a confident stride, face forward, while being completely aware that a lot of people I walk by don't like me. I do what I want, regardless of what other people think. I'll listen to music and do small headbangs at my desk while someone across the room is looking at me like I'm weird or uncool. I've always believed that you should focus on yourself and mind your own business, let people self express and do what makes them happy. Dress how you want to dress, talk how you want to talk, listen to music that others think is bad, let your quirks show! It's not a bad thing to be different, too many people are too alike these days. I do and act how I want, I don't care about what others think. I think self expression and being yourself is awesome and that you should be true to yourself, don't change for anyone. This is me, and I'm finally happy with the person I am. -Dusk.

This Is Me Breaking Up With You - Hey Violet

Feeling Sorry by Paramore

procrastinating math homework because of radicals.

The only stormy cloud over my head right now is one that I should've addressed long ago, and writing is the best way for me to do that, so here we go. I still have resentment in me, long after I left, even as I found someone who makes my mood great just by looking at her. I've seen that you hooked up with multiple guys after I left you. I saw that you lied about the things you claimed to have done the night I left. You claimed that you just wanted attention. You never let me have space. You were obsessively clingy. I had NO FREEDOM. Day in, day out, Skype during the day, Skype during night, always doing some sort of activity with you daily. My life was hectic as hell a year ago. I needed space, I needed some time to be by myself to recharge. You didn't care. I escaped through games, hanging out with friends who made me happy instead of draining all of my joy to fill their own empty souls up like you did. You told me I couldn't balance a relationship and gaming. This is my rebuttal to that: You treated me as an extension of yourself. You "loved" me because you didn't want to be ALONE. You needed a person to make you happy because you can't learn to love yourself and realize that it's okay to be single. YOU WERE SELFISH. I spent three days in August by myself to get away and be happy, and I still texted you through those days and we Skyped at night. You got mad at me for apparently "not talking to you" as if I didn't check in or make sure you were okay. Every day, every argument, every false accusation or claim, it dug my depression deeper that I developed because of you. I talked to you about the guild I was involved with one night, you made it clear you were uninterested, and said that they were stupid and that I should just marry someone from my guild. Was it a bad idea to tell you that I was happy around others? Probably. But you pointed fingers. You never ONCE looked in the mirror during our relationship and realized the faults within your own character. I'll spill mine, because I'm aware: I judged your music tastes, when I shouldn't of, I let arguments go on too long because of my failures to admit when I'm wrong, and I don't know when to call things quits when it should've been over, such as me staying as long as I did. I didn't want to give up to you. It wasn't until I was crying to my friends about how depressed I had gotten and how trapped I felt by a psychotic partner that wouldn't let me be free. That's when I told you I wanted a break, and that'd I would be back. I did have intentions of returning until you continued to text about how you missed me and made it clear how obsessive you are. I left soon after. You blamed ME for what you did to yourself because I "stressed you out" with the break. I cannot express in words how much that HURTS and how WRONG it is to claim that I caused you to do that. I spent a YEAR bringing you up while my mental stability was drained and I lost myself. Finally, I take a step to protect my own mental health and I'm "Selfish" and only "thinking about myself", as if I should forget that I am my own person like YOU DID. A relationship is separate people who love each other. I was at my lowest point that September, and I couldn't take it anymore. I held out as long as I could because I wanted to try to make things work, and I did what I could to make a future with us work out, but that idea got harder and harder to envision. Maybe that was my mistake, holding on as long as I did. I cared too much at the sake of my own mental health. 3 months later, you had the audacity of texting me. That message made me relive my mistake hundreds of times and made me hate myself for not leaving earlier when I had the chance. You asked how I was doing, and I tried to be nice and have a normal conversation. I found out later that you had broken up with the dude you dated right after I left you, the day you texted me. You seriously believed that I would get back with you after all the shit you PUT ME THROUGH. It was around this time that I developed an interest in another girl, but wasn't sure yet. Fast forward to just a few days ago and now we're planning on going out on a date and I wish you knew that I finally recovered. In the 5-month long process of finding happiness again and learning to love myself again, I found her and she is the gentle breeze of my beautiful Summer's day, as cliche as that sounds. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I don't need companionship, and I understand that in a relationship, there are two separate people and you cannot let them become an extension of yourself or things like what happened to me will happen. You were the opposite. You are scared of being alone, you want a person to be the solution to all of your problems, you don't retain your independence as a person. I fell in love with this girl naturally without trying. She cares, she is an angel, she also fell in love when she wasn't actively looking for a relationship. I've found someone who will treat me right. In the end, you've taught me a lot about love. You taught me what not to do, and what to avoid. Thanks for that. In the end, with this final writing, I finally got out everything I've wanted to say to the person who brought me to my lowest point. They say that bottled up emotions only get worse, consider that bottle opened. -Dusk.

Libertarian Left, I don't identify myself as belonging to the Democrats, though, as they're not as pure as they would like themselves to seem.