Clod

turns out my new earbuds were some bootleg shit that sounds like shit because they're shit

so i took the microphone apart (already didn't work) and found that it was different from my old, real pair (which broke after months of use)

the actual in-ear parts did not come apart after stomping on them, gave up

conclusion: watch where you buy stuff, if it's too good to be true it probably is and headphones aren't going to be super cheap compared to their normal price.