Chevette

This should give me something to do... *tokes doobie* *slips on reading spectacles* Many would say our little friend King Sombra is a revolutionary character that just molded the story to a certain position where the story would fail to exist if he hadn't been involved. Others would say "Fuck that bitch" or something like that. Personally, DILLIGAF. Anyways, I'm not here to pitch a tent in lil' Timmy's pants over King Sombra's existance or kick lil' Susie's ass down the stairs over the fact that King Sombra should have been a recurring character and should have been further developed... I'm here because I'm going to tell you a story. A story on where our little pal Sombra came from. Don't think this story on Sombra is a "fan written piece" because it's not. This information was delivered right into my special little hands by Rusty Kuntz, a developing manager from Hasbro. ​(Rusty was also a major league baseball player for most of his life before he moved on to bigger things like writing King Sombra's backstory.) Since our pal Rusty didn't give me a written copy when I was speaking to him face to face, I had to take extensive notes on what he was saying in order to transfer this information straight into the arms of the lovely fanbase. The time I spent with Rusty was upwards to around 5 hours, so anything worth saying was definitely said that afternoon. Let's begin shall we? Rusty: "I really don't expect much man, as long as there's coffee in my mug in the morning and even if there isn't, it's okay because I usually snort a line of cocaine right there on my desk anyways. When I walked into work that morning, I didn't expect any of this bullshit to happen, but it did. I was called into the executive conference room and I was told a new character was going to stick it's head up the ass of many fans. I nearly slit my throat in fear of the stupidity radiating off of this idea, but unfortunately for my sorry ass, I was Rusty Kuntz, a professional writer/baseball player and had no choice to comply with their request. I walked back to my unsightly cubical kicking a empty tampon box along as I went. My cubical was the definition of "Piece of shit" to begin with and I was dreading filling it's partial walls with a shitty idea such as this. I had looked up the selling price of my cubical on Kelley Blue Book and they said the little fucker was only worth $6,744. I think those fuckers are smoking some intense shit listing prices like that... Anyways... I sat my happy ass down waiting for a idea to hit me for this character they wanted me to create... I had to follow five basic guidelines in order for this character to be used and for me to get paid (which was the important one to me) Those guidelines were: Male, Mysterious, Pretty great but not too great, Sleeps around, & Kinda racist... The guidelines weren't too difficult in my eyes considering I was a few of those specifications to begin with. (You know which ones... wink-wink, nudge-nudge *cough* lynch *cough*) So yeah, I was sittin' there twiddlin' my asscheeks over all of this when the idea hit me like Randy Savage hittin' a fucker with a folding chair, or like a old farmer hittin' a trespasser with a tractor (from Tractor Bob's Tractor Store of course)... (the trespasser was probably black) or like a police officer beating a ni- nevermind... you get the picture. The idea was marvelous and I could barely contain my pants from exploding. It was that great. He'd be the one all the fans would write about, the one all the girls would touch themselves over, the one I'd get a early vacation over! I had to begin writin' this bastard: "A burst of lightning struck the ground, a box descended from the heavens. Not just your everyday box... this was a advanced box. Nobody knew where this box had fallen from and they didn't want to know (but curiosity overcame the citizens and they went to go check it out) A bland and not important at all pony that all the fans will probably make a big deal over went over to check out the fallen box. This non-important pony flung open the lid on the box. It stood there for a second. Then all of the sudden... A loud "Weesnaw" let out across the land. The non-important pony fell back on it's ass as the mystic being raised from the box with the stick of terror. (Some say the stick of terror looks like a giant dildo, I just think it looks like a deformed streetlight though) Anyways, he stepped out of the box with the stick of terror in hand as he let out a barbaric yalp proportionate to one that a Pontiac Aztek makes on startup. This mystical being was there for one reason and one reason only... to spread havoc all over Equestria. He star-"... Wait, what?... Oh, his name? Oh yeah, sorry, sorry. His name was Conquistador Sombrero III. Clever eh? So yeah, where was I? "Conquistador Sombrero III was a force not to be reckoned with. He took any opportunity he could to partake in evil doings such as smashing mailboxes, dating the famer's daughter after he was told not to, fucking the farmer's daughter, taking a knitting class just to poke fun at old ladies knitting skills the whole time, calling ahead to purchase a vehicle and never show up, order pizzas and have the delivered to some one-shot celebrity's house, forcing children to watch "Turnabout Storm" in full, force the elderly to not complain about today's children, making people make multiple OC's for no reason, & lighting a mailman on fire. ​He was truly the evilest of all evil doers. He put the "Hit" and the "ler" in "Hitler". In the eyes of other evil doers, he was the "Main village man" who doesn't play by the rules. It wasn't long after his appearance that Princess Celestia was like "Shit, dat bitch be fuckin' up everythin' up in dis crib, yo." It was up to her to be extremely lazy and call Twilight Sparkle in to do work she could probably do faster and more efficiently. Celestia called in Twilight and the rest of those main characters (except for Fluttershy. I mean seriously, what is she even going to do? Nothing.) It was up to the main five to beat the fuck out of Conquistador Sombrero III and send him back to where he came from before Equestria was basically destroyed by his awesomeness. They challenged him to Pokemon battle, he declined because Pokemon is 10 out of 10 not great. Instead they fought the old fashioned way, with giant cue-tips and foam dart guns. It was all fun and games until Fluttershy still managed to show up after she was given false directions to where the fight was taking place and ended up knocking Applejack's hat off. You don't knock off Applejack's hat. That shit is fucking glorious. Anyways, Conquistador Sombrero III banished Fluttershy into the fly of despair for 7 seasons of "Seinfeld" and became friends with the main five." That was my idea for the episode... Unfortunately after I pitched that idea to the rest of the team, I was fired for calling the boss a "faggot" for not liking my idea... he called me a cunt on the way out. He just doesn't understand my devotion to Conquistador Sombrero II... Bastard... Yeah, so some dork got put on the job instead of me and ended up stealing park of Conquistador Sombrero's name and called the character "King Sombra" (Basically the same shit, right?) Yeah, so yeah. I lost my job, my idea was torched and I somehow acquired a strange addiction to shuffleboard... I guess it was time for me to move on, 59 years old is old enough to quit it all and find a nice place to live in the buttcrack of some old people infested state... Probably the very tip of Texas or something..." That is what ol' Rusty said to me that day. Come to think of it, I like his character idea better... I feel that Conquistador Sombrero III is much more of a team player than King Sombra anyways. Just look at it, he was more developed and even became their friend! Oh Hasbro, you missed out on taking Rusty's story... So what do you guys think? Rusty's version or what was actually used in the show? Personally I vote for Rusty.