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碇 シンジン
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I didn't join the staff back then even though I had it in mind at one point I knew I didn't have it in me and I was still baby back then I didn't know anything about anything.
On the other hand it could've been a catalysator for a lot of growth for me an experience that I think could've helped me a lot.
Even then I knew what I was capable of and something like that I think was beyond my limits I knew it but I also knew that with experience I could move forward a lot.
I almost reached the turning point where I would have been able to beat myself but at the last moment I collapsed on myself.
I knew it was something that I wasn't able to do but I wanted to reach for something dream for something and grow in order that some day I would be capable of being here and I could be solid enough to hold myself.
Looking back now I realize that I might've been naïve it was my own imagination it wasn't the reality reality is lot deeper than my shallow delusions and back then that might've been too much for me to take in at once. As I was having trouble taking in even my own delusions.
I saw that people around me were there and here and everywhere though back then I didn't really comprehend the concept that the accounts are actually real humans I was still new born and I think it would've been a mistake to let me to do anything.
In the end I think things went out pretty well looking at me now I don't think I could've handled anything as I had my hands full with my own identity issues and other issues with myself
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More capable than I think I used to but I've come into a conclusion that back then was the prime time to join as I had still some ambition. And it was pretty close that it actually happened. I like to think that it somewhat partially happened.
Nowadays I have partially given up on that stuff and accepted myself for who I am. Feels like the ambition in me is nowhere to be found. Maybe It comes back one day if it comes I hope that I am ready to take the step then as I think it could and would be a big opportunity for me to grow.
As over these years most of the things that I needed to get more comfortable with I haven't been able to so basically I'm partially still at that same starting point.
Though this spring at I was with one company and there I moved somewhat forward so I guess it's just my own lack of power to put the cjange into reality that is keeping me from doing anything
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Well, the biggest thing that you will need in becoming a moderator is certainly wanting to become one and wanting to aid the process of working alongside the community and the maintenance of this site (or other parts of poniverse).
In any case, focus on yourself and your self-improvement. Be willing to change the future, be ready to ask for a raise, be ready to forward yourself in life.
In any case, I am rambling as I am a bit tipsy as I write this.
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Yeah though I think before anything can happen something in me needs to change somehow as of right now feels like basically doing anything requires ridiculous amount of effort
Ive tried to change myself before and I think I've been able to mostly stabilize my emotions and that stuff. As they used to get out of hand pretty quickly, but Now most of the stuff feels pretty dull and nothing really compels me to do anything
And I've kinda succumbed into the mindset that I'll pretty much accept anything regardless of whether it is fair towards me or not.
I do what I'm told and finding my own opinions and what I want is pretty tough though it was like that before too
I'm glad I approached the doctor with my issues back then
