碇 シンジン

I didn't join the staff back then even though I had it in mind at one point I knew I didn't have it in me and I was still baby back then I didn't know anything about anything. 

On the other hand it could've been a catalysator for a lot of growth for me an experience that I think could've helped me a lot.

Even then I knew what I was capable of and something like that I think was beyond my limits I knew it but I also knew that with experience I could move forward a lot.

I almost reached the turning point where I would have been able to beat myself but at the last moment I collapsed on myself.

I knew it was something that I wasn't able to do but I wanted to reach for something dream for something and grow in order that some day I would be capable of being here  and I could be solid enough to hold myself.

Looking back now I realize that I might've been naïve it was my own imagination it wasn't the reality  reality is lot deeper than my shallow delusions and back then that might've been too much for me to take in at once. As I was having trouble taking in even my own delusions.

I saw that people around me were there and here and everywhere though back then I didn't really comprehend the concept that the accounts are actually real humans I was still new born and I think it would've been a mistake to let me to do anything.

In the end I think things went out pretty well looking at me now I don't think I could've handled anything as I had my hands full with my own identity issues and other issues with myself