Yoshi89

Hey Yoshi,

 

Overall you got a good application here. I just have one teeny tiny nitpick with Alto.

 

In her dislikes section, you mention she hates ponies who try to weasel out of things. Where does this dislike come from? It kinda just comes out of the blue, maybe a small tale of how this dislike came to be?

 

Otherwise, she looks great!

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I made that sound a little more concise and gave her a justification. How does it look now?

@@Randimaxis,

I made a few minor edits to the last paragraph, mainly to correct some redundancies. Aside from that, I think those sections are good.

As far as the Other section, your "Prized Possession" advice gave me an idea for her instrument so I went along with it. How does that look?

Okay, here's what I fixed:

For her appearance, I'd suggest expanding by telling about how she moves, her typical facial expression, and how she generally reacts to others - remember, what other ponies see in Alto counts under the 'description' tag; describe what they'll USUALLY see from her.

Noted, expanded that as such.

In her 'personality' section, you mention that she 'strives to be a socialite', yet she 'doesn't care if ponies of a higher status look down on her'... unfortunately, if she's truly working hard at being a socialite, it's VERY IMPORTANT what ponies think of her - ESPECIALLY those of higher status. Maybe she still ACTS like she cares, but it doesn't get to her as badly as it would to other social ponies? You can't say you wanna be a comedian, but don't want folks to laugh at you - same goes here for socialites and high-status pones. Not saying this has to completely change, mind you - but a more thorough explanation would help out here.

I'm now not sure if that can work. I gave that an overhaul as to how she wants to make herself known. If I can still improve it from there, let me know.

I'm digging the likes and dislikes - maybe one more of each would help round the list out perfectly.

Done. I added another for each.

Your cutie mark story is... well, it's... you DO realize that you tell the story of how she got her CM starting with, "For some time after Fine Tuner got her cutie mark", don't you? Unless she's a time-traveller or she has two CMs, you might wanna tweak that story just a tad. The HOW is fine, but please fix the kinda funny oversight - and don't worry; mistakes happen, and that's why we offer to help folks by looking over characters like this.

That was oversight. I started the cutie mark story with her sister getting hers. Fine Tuner is older.

I think that last line needs more expansion: you could talk about where she performs, what kind of crowds she hangs out with, and what she's been doing lately to help her reach her goal. Sometimes, just outlining a character's goals can be a paragraph unto itself!

Expanded during my first edit.

 @@Randimaxis,

Sorry, I wish I saw your comment here sooner. I just revised her without seeing it so I'll go through this step by step later today.

Saying that it "doesn't take much to scare Sundae" would mean that she is easily frightened, which would be the opposite of what you want to convey for her.

I guess words fail me sometimes. Heh. Let me reword that again.

 

Hello Yoshi

 

It isn’t often that I see foal characters being submitted, and this one is very cute, but she will need some adjustments before she can be approved.

 

Thanks. Let me go through these suggestions one by one.

In the personality section, you say that it “doesn’t take much to scare Sundae”. Given the other things you say about her, I think what you meant to say here is that it does take a lot to scare her.

I think I'll remove the "worst fear" and keep her personality at fearless since she loves scary things.

You mention other ponies teasing Sundae about her weight. In the show, we have yet to see anypony tease anypony else about their weight, so I am not inclined to assume that it would happen. Just because our society judges people based on weight doesn’t necessarily mean that Equestria is the same way.

I figured as much. That will be removed.

The idea of an adult forcing a foal to eat to the point of discomfort as a punishment seems odd and unsettling. Perhaps a better way for her to learn this lesson would be for her to overeat to the point of feeling sick herself.

That will be reworked as well. That's definitely not right for punishment but as a lesson, that works a lot better.

Being a part of the Manehattan CMC would inevitably mean that your character has met Babs Seed, which would count as a prior cast character interaction and thus not be allowed. Your character can have the idea to form a similar club (with a different name obviously) or can similarly be trying to get her cutie mark with her brother, but they cannot be part of the CMC.

I had the same problem on Fudge's bio. That will be replaced most likely with another paragraph about her early adolsecence so far and her friends at school.

You mention “bad neighborhoods” in Manehattan, but to be honest I can’t imagine there are any bad neighborhoods in a place populated by candy-colored equines. Perhaps just suggest that some areas are harder to navigate than others without making parts of Manehattan sound unsafe.

Since I plan on removing the Manehattan part of Sundae's bio, this part will be non-sequential anyway.

I'll apply the changes within a few hours. Thanks!

 

This lil' fella is adorkable.      He seems like he's well written, but if I may - a few tweaks before I can scootaloo this along the path to EQE. 

Aww, thank you. I didn't really intend him to be adorkable but now that you mention it, that word really suits him. Okay, let's see what we can work out...

You should mention your twin sister's name at least once, so we know who she is - wouldn't hurt to make mention of her once or twice in Fudge's history, either.

Noted, I will put her name in a lot more often than how it appears now.

The ages should be generalized; no exact numbers, because we don't really wanna do all the detailed math and science required to really factor in an equivalent age... math is hard. Still, descriptors like 'child' or 'adolescent' should work just fine, for future reference.

Whoa, I don't know how that instance slipped by in the first paragraph of the bio. I will edit that.

WHY is the lil' scamp afraid of dentists and ghosts? Too many scary comics? Bad visit to a donkey dentist's office? Maybe he was spooked by the ghost of a dentist? Would you kindly add at least a reference to these, for RP purposes?

Despite him still being a kid with those being common childhood fears, I agree 100% with that suggestion. I may even devote an entire paragraph as to how he acquired those two fears.

Um, by the way? How could a 'Napoleonic Complex' exist when Equestria has never hada Napoleon? You could say a number of other things besides mentioning an issue that contains human historical references.

I understand if human terms aren't allowed. I'll see if I can find a similar term for what Fudge goes through.

Now, the tough one *sigh*; Fudge and his sister cannot already be in the CMC yet - in fact, with the CMC technically being just a group of friends, it'd actually be quite a trick just to have heard of them... you might meet them later, but you'd need to go through that meeting and introduction IC, in-play. (Trust me, it'll be fun!)

There's a story behind this one, actually. I had him and Sundae created with the intention of crusading with Babs but that went out the window early in the fifth season for obvious reasons. This paragraph instead of Fudge in the CMC will be focused more on his early adolescence and an addendum of why he's so adamant about getting his cutie mark.

I'll have his bio updated in a few hours in the earliest. Thanks again!

I'm not going to submit him until I have his sister up, too. I plan to introduce them together.