Randimaxis

Unfortunately, A Royal Problem does mark a definitive moment where BOTH Princesses learn to value the others' responsibilities - canonically.  And with the EqE being wholly canon-based... yyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhh, you still should give it at least a passing mention.  But you don't have to make a huge deal out of it; mere mention that Starlight's spell switched their cutie marks, and that Celestia learned what it was like to handle Luna's job should be fine.  (I haven't had the chance to read the comics, but I'll take your word for it.)

I understand not wanting a background that's seven miles long; heck, look at my app for Discord - I even begged for mercy.  However, on the other hoof, the Princesses are (excluding the Mane Six themselves) some of the more important characters on the show, so something to reflect that particular feel should be in place.  But I'll tell you what; if you can bring up her timeline to, say, season 2, I'll accept a 'list' of what's happened to her since then - basic ideas, separated by commas, would be just fine.  No need to give each event its' own paragraph; simple mentions should be fine.

Sound good to you?

Okay!

It's time to take a look at this app - and hope I don't hurt my eyes, staring into the proverbial sun!

First off, I very much like your allusions to the fate of her parents; as there's almost zero mention of them in the series itself, I am quite satisfied with leaving their fate nebulous like this.

The app itself is solid... and the typos I see, I can fix personally.

I will say that there should be a bit more after the gathering of Twilight & the Mane Six; I would at least advise to continue the background (important events only) up to & including Starlight switching her & Luna's cutie marks; maybe another paragraph alluding to her sister's return as well.  It almost feels like the history stops right before the events of the show itself - we don't need another six pages, mind you - just a few show highlights.

Once you've gotten a chance to go over things, let me know what changes you make, and I'll happily cast my gaze into the sun again!

Okay, then - I suppose we're done here.

Off to SecApp with you, so that thy fun may be doubled!

Look numero DOS:

The slight mention of the disappearance of her parents still points to some sort of foul play, in my opinion... but I'm okay with letting it slide - after all, there's no mention of them AT ALL in the show; I suppose that such a thing will be eventually addressed, and until then?  All good, homeslice.

I like your addition of the Tantabus event (though it was after the Nightmare Night moment, not before)... but I think it could be spoken about just a bit more; that event meant a great deal to Luna's character development, and it seems as if much of that was glossed over here.  Okay, it's more of a personal observation than a 'professional' one - take it as you will.  But I still think it deserves at least a mention of how the situation helped bring Luna closer to her subjects, as well as allowing for self-forgiveness.

Otherwise, it's pretty much done.  If you want to change anything, you're welcome to; otherwise, let me know you're finished here, and I'll pop the Night Princess into the SecApp queue, with much haste.

Okay... Princess Luna, right?  Great!  Let's get a look at her...

From what I see here, the profile on her is pretty good.  You've gotten her history down fairly well, though there are a few things that I'd like to highlight:

The inclusion of her parents' fate is... well, it's never been approached in the show canon; I'd feel that, if Discord did indeed do anything to her parents, neither princess would have allowed him to be reformed.  Might be a better idea to not even mention the fate of her parents, at least until the show properly addresses it - at which point, we can add it in.

As it's a turning point for Luna, it might be worth mentioning the event where she dealt with the Tantabus; not only did it bring her closer to the citizens of Ponyville and the element bearers, but it also helped her settle with much of the guilt she felt for her time as Nightmare Moon.  Remember, she created the Tantabus to punish herself, and the love and support of her subjects are what eventually led to her decision to end her own suffering from it - that's character growth, and it would be worthwhile to add it in, in my opinion.

There's a few typos... but instead of listing them, I'm just gonna edit them myself; easier that way, and less work on your end.

These things said, I believe you've done a fine job of putting forth an excellent template for everyone's favorite night princess!  Look over the changes I've suggested, and please let me know when you're ready for me to look her over again; with what I see here, I'm sure these will be the only edits you'll have to make.

Alrighty then!

Into the Second Approval queue you go - best of luck, and I'm glad to have helped!

As far as I can see, things look good - and yes, the additional paragraph does do a lot more for her story by describing things more thoroughly.  Excellent work!

I do have a single, solitary question though...

Tolerable but distasteful: Nose ponies

Are you talking about ponies with noses, because I have this horrific vision of Pinkie Pie with Nigel Thornberry's face... *shuddercringe*

Sorry - here we go:

Appearance:  MUCH improved - no issues here!

Cutie Mark:  Better description - no issues here, either!

[EDITS]

...oment. She is very much naive. If someth...

...bo cares deeply for the ponies she meets even withou...

Otherwise, the personality reads much better - thank you for making the changes needed, and for NOT making changes that didn't need making.  

The backstory still feels... unpolished... but that's no reason why it needs any further changing, I would suppose.  You're free to keep it as it is, but I still feel like this could use at least a re-edit to clean up some of the repetitive words and improve the flow... but that can always be done later; the main thing is to try to get her ready for entry into the EqE.

And yes, you're welcome to wait until the sheets are fixed to add the dislikes column.

Awaiting your reply.  *bows*

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

Thanks for the extensive review of my OC. The fact that this much work has gone into helping me refine my content is very reassuring.

On the contrary - my apologies to you; it should have been like this from day one, and I fell behind.  A mistake I'm correcting now, as you no doubt see.  

But my humble thanks for your kind words.  *bows*

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

With that being said, I can't help but notice the level of tact being put into this reply. You've proven that you mean well, so don't be afraid of being too blunt going forward, this is all in good fun.

*chuckle*  I have a tendency to try to be tactful in normal conversations; I have been known to say the wrong thing once in a while, so I try to maintain communication by being as transparent, yet un-condescending, as possible.  I assure you, I'm not handling you with kid gloves, so to speak - this is just how I post.

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

This seems like it hinges on an assumption and a misconception. We seem to be operating under the assumption that Limbo's need for companionship would have to be learned rather than an inherent need. This seems a little far-fetched given that herbivores such as her self would operate under heard mentality, which is even more socially dependent than our tribe mentality. Even with this given, I would still have to posit that fact that Limbo has seen friendship. She has spent a large amount of time seeing how other dreamers act in their dreams so she would have some idea what friendship is even if she's never experienced it.

In retrospect, you are absolutely correct; I never considered the genetic herd angle, nor did I take into account her potential for witnessing other friendships in dreams.  Perhaps what I wanted to convey was more of a 'disattatched' feel than a 'morose' one... she might feel totally alienated, which might lead more towards confusion than sadness.  Don't get me wrong - the sorrow is there, but the feeling of just being lost in such a different world than the one she once knew... not to mention the idea of things in the waking world being consistent and 'real', as opposed to the dream world where things can poof at the slightest provocation... or none at all.

I guess I'm trying to put a brighter spin on her - but don't let my suggestions change your vision.

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

I half expected this kind of response. The truth is that I don't really think that my character description would be a little jarring without the subcategories. Having the sun being a dislike on par with nightmares, I think, doesn't sound very believable. In fact, it sounds a lot like 'LOL SO RANDOM XD!' to me.

Then perhaps further clarification could be made.  Hmmmmmmmm...

For the example of her aversion to sunlight, maybe it could be put as "bright sunlight", as it would convey a dislike of the brightness, but not the actual sun itself.  Anyone who reads the character will see that she sleeps a lot, and make the connection... and if not, it's something you could bring up during roleplay.  Remember, you don't have to give away EVERYTHING... save some stuff for others to discover through interaction.

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

Also, the dislike feature doesn't seem to work

Yeah - we've been having issues with character sheets ever since the switch-over... but I've been told it's currently being looked over.  *shrugs*  When it's fixed, I'll have a LOT of characters to go over...

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

This seems to stem from me overcorrecting for Marry Sue Syndrome.

*grinds teeth*  ... continue...

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

I think the problem here is, if I may defend the sad sacks among us, that to combat the problem of Marry Sueism, we have to add flaws or underdevelopment to our characters. Something to work on, if you will, but at the same time those flaws don't come out of the either. However, mistakes on the characters side make then seem 2 edgy 4 me as people around them suffer because of their mistakes (an action needs consequence and flaws don't last too long when those consequences are direct). So, in order to stay coherent, our characters need to go through things they aren't prepared for or some kind of tragedy to justify their shortcomings and why they have persisted for so long. Now that I've said that I have just openly challenged myself to give this character a well written, self-inflicted flaw.

I... have a long, BAD history of dealing harshly with Mary Sues, so allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your efforts to overcome that syndrome.  It often takes both courage AND maturity to realize a Mary Sue, and as someone who has had to stomp alicorns into paste with words, I am extremely pleased that you're making such strides to avoid repeating this mistake.

Now, this being said, there are a number of ways to keep a character able, yet flawed and still have a grand time.  Also, it's not always some big event that characters have to endure... think of Pipsqueak - obviously, he's the runt of the proverbial litter... but his enthusiasm and high energy tend to make up for his other physical shortcomings.  He may not always succeed, but he has his own bunch of merits to him, and he works well within a group (say, I dunno, working with the CMC to get elected Class President?) - he's no Mary Sue, but he's still a nifty little character.

Part of the idea of disenfranchising yourself from McMarySue is trying NOT to make a lead character... but to make a character that could stand on their own in a story BY THEMSELVES.  There are a few stories out there that could help with the concept, as the idea is to make a character who culd have nohing but mental conversations with themselves, and still make it into a good story.  Plus, the concept of the single-character story can do wonders for helping one figure out who a character really is, and what their motivations and aspirations truly are.  Give it some thought.

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

It's actually very interesting that you bring up villainous OC's. It makes me wonder how common it is for an OC to be written as a dedicated antagonist. I'd love to know how often you come across it or how much villainy this template allows for.

Actually, as far as the EqE goes, villains aren't normally allowed... but I broke that barrier a while back, by proving I was capable enough to play Discord himself.  Unfortunately, the EqE requires a good bit of work to simply admit normal OCs; we're still pondering whether or not to allow villains, especially canon villains like Chrysalis and Sombra, to be taken on by players.

For what it's worth, I'm pushing for their release.

Limbo's red eyes are always lidded to some extent when awake and unfocused, giving off an air of apathy. Usually, this air is dissipated by her readily available smile replacing the pretense with a gentle sign of peace. She is tall and pudgy with a thick, inviting, snow white coat. Her grayish black mane is in almost always suffering from a terrible case of bed head for obvious reasons. Aside from those subtle differences, Limbo has two identical horns that curl in on themselves after protruding directly away from her head some way. She walks and moves swiftly, as if she has no weight, and handles her surroundings roughly with no concern for damage or wear. Generally, she would remind one of a gymnast or a wood dwelling hippy.

I am very pleased with this; excellent edit!

A closed eye. She is destined to see the potential in others; the potential lock in their dreams.

I like this... but it needs more.

One of the things I've always suggested to folks is when it comes to making a cutie mark, try to make the symbol hold TWO meanings.  Try to make it something that references more than a single aspect.  For example, Twilight Sparkle's doesn't just reference her magical capabilities, but it also alludes to how she 'shines' in tough situations.  Plus, it also calls back to her name, as it looks like a sparkle itself.

You don't have to change it again... but maybe find a second reason for it.  Maybe... hmmmmmmmm... maybe it also represents how she's had her eyes closed for so long, or how she's blind to her own destiny, or even that she can't see her own potential at all.  Two reasons for a cutie mark makes it more personalized than a simple logo can accomplish.

Due to how inconsistent her life has been, Limbo is not a heavy thinker. It's hard to tell what motivates Limbo because it seems to be whatever looks pleasant to her at the moment. She is very much naive.

No issues here.

If something looks or sounds bad, it must be bad. This would have led to fanaticism except for how easily her mind is changed.

This might read better if you try:

She sees things as black and white, right or wrong... yet she doesn't quite reach the point of extremism, as she has difficulty sticking to a thought; she is easily led astray.

Regardless, a few consistent traits have surfaced. Namely humility and insecurity. She has spent a very unusual amount of time inside of her own head. This makes for a tightly sealed echo chamber. Without reciprocal contact with other ponies, Limbo has no actual confirmation or reassurance of her worth as a pony. One can only reassure oneself for so long before it loses its meaning. However, the flipside of this is that in your dreams you have little to no agency (provided it isn't lucid) and the world has no consistency to latch on to. Without agency or predictability, you learn to live without such things and so Limbo sees them as unnecessary. This gives her a likable demeanor that's easy to get along with, but this also robs her of drive and makes her ability to led and make decisions fall far below that of the average pony.

With your above argument, I see little need to change what you have here now... except to maybe add how she feels a want for friendship, and is currently seeking it actively... or as actively as a sleepy pone can get.  

For the most part, we can see Limbo living for short term comforts and thrills. There is an exception though. Limbo seems to cares deeply for the ponies she meats even without any immediate benefit. They provided an important, albeit rare, source of consistency in her early life. No matter how abnormal things got, when other ponies were there, they'd put things back into perspective, and for that, other ponies have a certain intrinsic value that she can't exactly explain why she appreciates.

This part... reads kinda clunky.  If I may offer an idea for an edit?  Try this:

Limbo seems satisfied enough with short-term goals and adventures... but has a habit of emotionally latching onto other beings who interact with her, regardless of any obvious benefits.  With the presence of others in her early life, there was peace and calm as situations were usually handled as they came along, but the absence of such during her stasis left her feeling as though she were helpless and lost.  Now that she has awakened, she has developed a somewhat subconscious need for companionship, as the presence of others tends to reassure her that things will be handled, once again.

I feel it explains the above in a more flowing way; easier to read and retain, plus it still hits the points you made before, just in a different manner.

Limbo Dreams was born in The Crystal Empire where she lived out her adolescence. Unfortunately, Limbo never got to live through a normal adolescence. She was the first to be born just after Sombra rose to power and so as if to punctuate his rule, in all its cruelty, she was cursed: born with horns that would magically force her to sleep throughout her entire life. For years, Limbo's parents cared for her until eventually, King Sombra was banished and the malaise that influenced Limbo's curse went with him. Soon after, The Crystal Empire had gone into a magic-induced stasis. During The Crystal Empire's stasis, Limbo Dream's horns began to assimilate with the rest of her body, no longer heading Sombra's air of dread.

She still dreamed throughout the stasis and with the help of her horns, she could connect with other dreams. Never able to interact, just a silent observer of another ponies mind, she began to pick up on other pony's lives. Progress was slow though. Patterns were difficult to pick up without lucidity and language proved to be very difficult to grasp. Stasis made time flow very slowly, so she could only process a few hours of dreaming per day. It took hundreds of years to even learn that she was entering other ponies dreams, and the prime learning age for such things had already passed. It took at least another hundred years to learn language, but eventually, with Sombra's defeat, Limbo woke up for the first time in her life.

Limbo's dreams gave her hints to the real world, and now that she is awake, she was ready to experience it for what it really is. She was still operating by the laws and assumptions of the dream realm. Back there, consequences were rare and jarring making for short-term comforts much more rewarding, in here things are more weighty and don't go nearly as far as she expects, but aside from that, how different could the real world possibly be?

Still one too many mentions of ol' Sombrero.  

The first mention is fine - it sets up that she was born almost as a sign of his twisted rule to come, and I dig that.

You could change the second mention to "until the tyrant's reign of terror ended", as it alludes to Sombra, but keeps his name out of the narrative.

The third one isn't really necessary, as the horns aren't OF Sombra himself; they simply receded as time passed, or as the 'weight of the Slave King's oppression eased'.

The last one... I could see it being important, which is why I suggest expanding a bit to explain it was his more recent, or second, defeat that broke Limbo's slumber curse... or perhaps put the act as something that automatically happened when the Crystal Empire returned... or maybe the shattering/reforging of the Crystal Heart might have been a catalyst as well, if you want Limbo to be more recently awakened than season three.

Otherwise, I am liking how she's shaping up!  

Looking right now...

Okay, done with looking over the first draft... and I have to say, this is an intriguing idea; a character who is relatively fresh to the world, and ready to experience it with newly-opened eyes.  I'd be more than happy to help you develop this cutie!

Now, I'll take it a portion at a time - feel free to speak your mind on my thoughts, but do keep in mind that the EqE does have a set of rules that we have to abide by.  It makes it important to stay within the guidelines... but that doesn't mean we can't get creative with things.  

Tall and pudgy. This mare, having spent most of her life sleeping, grew remarkably tall, but her sedentary lifestyle has eaten away at her muscle mass, leaving behind mostly fat as she rarely burned off the calories she took in.

The explanation of her figure here is something you should save for the background; you want to describe her as if you're JUST looking at her - the 'why' makes it feel as though you're cramming too much info into a sentence.  You've got the whole sheet for that, so it could be amended to:

Tall, yet pudgy - her muscle mass is soft, even though she has a lanky frame with long legs; she seems severely out of shape.

That conveys that she hasn't done much activity, yet doesn't directly SAY it - a good character/literary trick.

Her eyes are never more than three-quarters open when awake and constantly unfocused, making her seem like she's looking just slightly past ponies when she talks with them. Her hair is in almost always suffering from a terrible case of bed head for obvious reasons. Aside from those subtle differences, Limbo has two identical horns that curl in on themselves after protruding directly away from her head some way.

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

I'm not certain if having non-canon horns is allowed... but I can ask the higher-ups, and someone'll make a decision - if not, we'll work with what you have down.

An egg half cracked around the center indicating how much of her potential has yet to be realized. It also resembles the stunted nature of her childhood like a bird that couldn't escape its egg.

A cutie mark is supposed to represent something significant about the character's future... not hold a symbol of their past, like you have.  The mark only shows up when that potential is RECOGNIZED... and as she hasn't done such, a mark would still be absent from her flank.  Normally, in the EqE, a filly or colt doesn't leave childhood without a cutie mark - and it's common show knowledge that those marks are a sign of passing through to adulthood.

Maybe... she's still a filly?  If so, you could work on her story of discovering who she can now be... thereby, earning a cutie mark in the process.  This is one of the draws of playing a young pony, as there's so much potential for what's to come.  Could you imagine Limbo meeting the CMC?  THAT could be a potentially grand story to write!

Still, I would heavily suggest against the current cutie mark - but I want to hear your thoughts first before I go further.

Tired. Due to how little time she has spent awake, Limbo doesn't really have much of a personality. 

That sounds like a flat character, and Limbo isn't flat - merely inexperienced, and that should read in her description here.  Try this:

Always sleepy, Limbo hasn't had much chance to develop who she is... therefore, she comes across as a bit scatterbrained, sometimes lost.

The above conveys that she doesn't have much to work with, but focuses more on her potential than her absence of traits.

Regardless, a few traits have surfaced. Namely humility and insecurity. She has spent a very unusual amount of time inside of her own head. This makes for a tightly sealed echo chamber. Without contact with other ponies, Limbo has no actual confirmation or reassurance of her worth as a pony. One can only reassure oneself for so long before it loses its meaning. 

But without contact from other ponies... she would have developed without the need for social interaction; she would have possibly been comfortable with her own surroundings, as she was supposedly imprisoned so young, that she may not have even been able to communicate.  Because of that, she wouldn't have cared that she didn't know anyone else - she'd have learned to be happy on her own, or at least not been so desperate for companionship.

Friendship might even be an alien, though much-wanted, concept that she still doesn't understand.  It could be an interesting roleplay or two, getting her used to the idea of being around others to begin with, or even just learning how to manage an everyday 'waking' life.

Because she would be the only one present for herself, she might be a bit strange... but her reassurances wouldn't lose meaning, because they'd be all she EVER knew - why want more when you're unaware that more is out there... or if you're comfortable enough where you are.

However, the flipside of this is that in your dreams you have little to no agency (provided it isn't lucid) and the world has no consistency to latch on to. Without agency or predictability, you learn to live without such things and so Limbo sees them as unnecessary. This gives her a likeable demeanor that's easy to get along with, but this also robs her of drive and makes her ability to led and make decisions fall far below that of the average pony.

This helps me clarify what I see a bit more - if I might suggest an edit?

Having spent so long out-of-the-loop, Limbo has a personality that is easy to get along with, but may come across as unfocused or indecisive, as she has problems making solid decisions or goals.

Likes & Dislikes: All I ask is for reasons in the background for everything listed in these two columns - if you can manage that, then this should be fine.

Limbo Dreams was born in The Crystal Empire where she lived out her adolescence. Unfortunately, Limbo never got to live through a normal adolescence. She was the first to be born just after Sombra rose to power and so Sombra, in all his cruelty cursed her with horns that would magically force her to sleep throughout her entire life. For years, Limbo's parents cared for her until eventually, King Sombra was banished and his control over his curses went with him, but his Sombra's banishment, The Crystal Empire had gone into a magic-induced stasis. During The Crystal Empire's stasis, Limbo Dream's horns began to assimilate with the rest of her body, no longer bound by Sombra's will.

She still dreamed throughout the stasis and with the help of her horns, she could connect with other dreams. Never able to interact, just a silent observer of another ponies mind, she began to pick up on other ponies lives. Progress was slow though. Patterns were difficult to pick up on and language proved to be very difficult to grasp. Stasis made time flow very slowly, so she could only process a few hours of dreaming per day. The fact that she wasn't lucid in her dreams made garnering meaning from the dreams around her even slower. It took hundreds of years to even learn that she was entering other ponies dreams, and the prime learning age for such things had already passed. It took at least another hundred years to learn language, but eventually, with Sombra's defeat, Limbo woke up for the first time in her life.

Okay... unfortunately, the rules state that an OC can NOT have ANY direct connections to a canon character in their background; no knowing Dashie from Wonderbolts training, no having a casual love affair with Luna as a young stallion, and no direct curse from Sombra himself...

... but there still might be a way to pull this off.  What if it was something else that cursed her, something Sombra may have had a hoof in creating?  Then, if she tampered with it, it might have cursed her as a magical defense.  Or, maybe there was a unicorn working under Sombra who had been ordered to place curses on an entire section of town... and her home was in that area?

Regardless, the connection to Sombra can't stay - my sincerest apologies.

Limbo's horns are magically tied to dreams. When she cups her ears over them, she can hear the dreams of the nearest sleeping thing.

This... is an interesting power to have.  I like the feel of it, and it doesn't appear to be too OP; let me ask about it, and I'll give you a response to this, along with the above question about the horns.

OCC: I feel as though absolute dislikes are rare, so I have decided to state what she is not very tolerant of here.

Dislikes: Nightmares

Little-to-no tolerance: Loud noises, rudeness (social edict has persistence for a reason, and mares like her are that reason)

Visibly discomforting: Bright light

Tolerable but distasteful: Noisy ponies, the sun

Dislikes aren't exclusively things a character HATES WITH AN UNDYING PASSION... they're just things they don't like, such as what you have listed here.  I don't think there's any need to break it down into sub-categories, because they are all technically things she doesn't like.  

If I may..? 

It seems as though there's a lot of this character that is derogatory to itself... which makes for little interest from others, who don't really want to play with a sad-sack, so to speak; the trick is to have a character that shows potential and possibilities instead - make them look interesting to those looking to run an interesting RP.

It doesn't mean you have to play a character that is 'shiny, happy and/or fluffy'... but it does mean you should have a more positive feel to the character (unless she's a villain, and I don't see that at all from her), and invite interest rather than sympathy.

Mind you, this is simply my opinion - I'm not the be-all, end-all; take my advice as you will, but understand that I do this purely out of love for OCs themselves, so I'm not getting paid for this - it comes from the heart.

*rolls eyes* I'm getting sappy - sorry about that.  *ahem*

But yeah - cut Limbo a bit more of a break; she seems like she's had it hard.

Okay, now comes the part where you let me know what you want to do, and we continue on from there!

You still want to make this OC?  

Hiya, Loud!

So the skeleton here looks like an idea in the making, and you certainly seem to have at least a basic idea in mind.

Tell you what - when you have something more in mind, feel free to let us know, and we'll be more than happy to help you flesh this base template out into a full-fledged character!

No problem; we'll work with ya.

Lumi's safe & sound - no deletion.  

*looks around*

Umm... is there still an interest in Lumi here?

If so, please speak up; this character will have to be deleted from the queue on June 20th if there's no further interest.

Thank you for your time.

I am digging the changes... and I think we're about done here!

You're welcome to go back and turn my blue type to black, and and remove the italics; otherwise, if you think you're good, then let me know, and I'll pop Lumi over into Second Approval!

Hmmmmmm...

Well, there are still instances of death having occurred in the MLP universe, but simply saying he caught a disease and died sounds... a bit terse and cold.

Instead of:

His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

Try this: 

His Mother stood her ground, yet so did his Father - though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separating, as they felt the constant strife would be too much for poor Lumi to handle. The young stallion spent time seeing them both, though more of this time was with his Mother than his Father, and it seemed as though this new way of life would be what Lumi would know...

Until his Father passed away after a harsh battle with pneumonia.

This gives the same 'sudden hammer' effect of the father's passing, but presents it in a way that sounds more reverent than dismissive.  Little tricks like this can help a narrative sound more as though it's FELT rather than simply EXPERIENCED.

Let me know if this helps, and send me a line when you've ironed out your editing.  }:D

Hiya, Insight!

Okay, so you've got a character together, and you're looking to get approved for the EqE.  Great!  All we need to do is take a looky-loo here, and see that everything's up to par.  So, without further ado, let's get down to brass tacks.

Hmmmmmmmm...

His fur gleams in sun and seems darker in shadow or darkness. In any light some silver streaks appear in his fur and the brighter the light, the more his fur gleams, so if he is in direct sunlight, his fur shines with very bright light.

If I may, I'd like to suggest an edit, here?  The above seems like a run-on sentence, when it could actually be a bit neater by compressing the idea.  Try this:

His fur blends noticeably with the amount of light present; pitch black accents in darkness, and gleaming silver streaks in the sun.  His fur seems to react to even the slightest amount of light, and direct sunlight makes him almost blinding.

Instead of repeating the same words, try to make a sentence that gets the same concept across with as few uses of the same word as you can.  A Thesaurus does wonders when writing, and can help you embellish any written work to be far more pleasing to the eye.

However, since he never looses at chess, other ponies are sometimes annoyed by him, as they think he is trying to show off his skill and intelligence when all he really wants is to enjoy other ponies’s company.

Instead of simply saying they're 'annoyed by him', it might be more accurate to talk about their displeasure at being beaten at chess; saying they were annoyed sounds like he was actively being annoying, but it seems like you're saying they simply get irked at his winning streak.  Maybe that would be a better way to put it?  Try this:

However, other ponies have gotten upset with him in the past, due to his amazing skill at the game - they tend to believe he's simply showing off, when the truth is more that he is just that talented at it.  He'd really rather have their company than simply another opponent to play.

• Dumb ponies, ponies bothering him while he is reading, dandelion sandwiches

The second dislike could be summed up easier as 'being bothered while reading', as it probably wouldn't matter what race bothered him - he'd still be bothered.

He was born in a small and modest house in Phillydelphia, given the name Lumi for sentimental purpose, even though it was an uncommon name.

... and what sentimental purpose is that?  Remember, you're trying to display your OC - explaining the reason behind a name can give something for other players to ask about, helping them to find points to interact with your OC through.  Asking about such a unique name should have some form of nebulous reason; take a moment to try to come up with a 'sentimental' reason that his parents would have connections with the name 'Lumi'.

Ancestor's name?  Favored grandparent?  Special circumstance?  Named by magical means?  The possibilities are endless!

During his schooling, his parents disagreed about how to raise him. His mother was pushing for more tutors and a better education, but his father worried that this would cause him to be turned away from what his father wanted him to be: a “normal colt”. His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

... wow... that's, um... a bit... grim.

The EqE is a section that endeavors to keep roleplay as close to show canon as possible - and the kind of backstory you have here is a bit much for TV-Y.  Now, don't worry - there's other ways to finagle a thing, and there could always be more acceptable reasons for things happening to Lumi as they have.

Remember that acceptance and tolerance are Celestia's buzzwords with the ponies of Equestria, and I'm not certain if Lumi's father would be so driven to push for 'normal' in such a society as the one the ponies have.  However, disagreements as to how to raise a foal can happen - and that isn't an issue. 

However... 'divorce' is.  We've never seen an instance of it in the show, therefore we can't simply say it happens like it does here on Earth.  Furthermore, there's also no court that I've seen, so it would stand to reason that Divorce Court isn't a thing, either - and again, messy legal battles leave the realm of TV-Y, so we can't really have it that way... though, in the instances above, I'm more than willing to help you try to come up with alternatives you would be willing to accept.

They were married in the local pleasure garden.

... ah, eh... heh, heh... why don't we just say, 'They were married in the city park, surrounded by flowers.'  'Pleasure garden' sounds too much like a-... ummm... y-yeah, just take my word for it.

There are a few instances of word repetition here and there, but all in all, Lumi seems like a nifty character.  As soon as you impliment some of the changes I mentioned, we can talk about what else we can do to get Lumi into the EqE.

Unfortunately, the images problem is on OUR end... and our tech staff is so overworked right now, it sorta falls down to 'fix when we have time'; perhaps once it's fixed, I'll go back and do the work to add the pic in, myself.  But for now, we'll just have to work it out as we can.  My sincerest apologies.

By the way, I reworked your picture a little bit - if you like, you can use this.  I was simply influenced, and decided to do it... simply because I could.  I hope it's well-received.

Otherwise, do you feel like this OC is ready to go?

To be certain, there's a link to the artwork, and I can see it well enough.  If you find a way to get a better piece of art for Blue, then we should include it BEFORE he goes into Second Approval - otherwise, he'll have to be RE-evaluated if you want to add art later.  Not that he won't pass, mind you - more like I'm trying to get everything juuuuuuust right before he's approved.

-snake wrapping itself-  ... almost...

Retaliation is ONE thing... but characters can be troublesome, irritating or simply obnoxious - just look at Blueblood.

Seriously, though... PLAYERS can cooperate, even if the CHARACTER does not.  Adversity is something that other OCs can play off of, and snarky personae actually make up more of the MLP cast than most folks realize, from RD's braggart mouth to Rarity's backhooved compliments, or Twilight Sparkle's exasperation or Applejack's stubbornness or Pinkie Pie's paranoia and even Fluttershy's fears...

Flaws are there to give a character something to prove they aren't perfect; they can help define something that LOOKS flawless as something deeper than what others see on the outside, and to hold that back for a character means you're effectively cheating that character out of what might be quality roleplay with another OC who disagrees... or more to the point, you're missing the chance for some engaging roleplay.  Folks here can keep CHARACTER and PLAYER separate enough to where having a quirk like that won't get him in trouble... in fact, he might get fans, or even frenemies!

You're free to further define things like his tail... but that's something that can be relayed through roleplay.

Many folks don't care for simply a list of every single trait... they'd rather see it come to life.  An application for the EqE is sorta like an advertisement; offer up an interesting roleplay potential, and see who bites the hook.  However, explain TOO much, and it's like overbaiting the hook - folks don't wanna get bogged down in the whole life history of a character, they would rather discover more about them in play.

Storywise, you've defined his CM rather well... as for his tail, you're free to define it more, OR you have the option of having that explanation READY... but letting others ask first, in character, about it; that way, explaining it feels more organic than just adding it to his sheet here.  And it's not too dire, at least in MY opinion, because it tells a story of a pone who is full of determination and has nothing more on their brain than to be a part of something greater than the sum of himself.

Artwork ALWAYS makes a character more appealing; if you'd like to get a character drawing done, you'd be more than welcome to have it added to your sheet here, and then it would be a part of Blue for good!  So yeah, I would very much consider having art done for Blue - the stalwart fellow's got to show the world his good side, am I right?

I'll allow time for you to get your art done before we go any further with getting approval; in the meantime, feel free to ask anything else you might want clarification on!

Hiya, Duality!

First of all, I want to apologize for the length of time it has taken to get back to you on this - I offer no excuses, but I do give a humble apology, and ask for your forgiveness as I delve back into the realm of the EqE, ready to get things going again.

*looks at the write-up*  That's... a lot of words... well, no time like the present, right?  Okay, here I go!

-magic and spagyric sorcery-  No issues here... but I wanna know what 'spagyric' means!

Otherwise, I have rarely read such a well-written, verbose and thoroughly filled-out character app as this.  Duality, I am pleased to announce that there are ZERO flaws I can see here, and I will hence be putting the good Doctor here into the Second Approval queue.

Color me impressed.  *applause*

Hiya, Loud!

Allow me to take a gander here at what you've got, and let's see what we can do to get Blue ready for the EqE.  Let's see here...

First off, I have to admit that I LOVE how verbose your write-up is!  I appreciate an extended vocabulary, and it pleases me to no end to see mulitsyllabic expressions such as these.  Kudos!

First, let's take care of the typos:

 -standard mane style hardly draws-

-adorned with several scars that tell exaggerated tales of a-

-member of the Equestrian Legion had he-

-His unnaturally spade-tipped tail-  (deleted excess wording)

-A snake wrapping itself around-

-He is reluctant to accept-

-lost in thought. Without many-

-time was different though, in-

As far as I can tell, those are the only typos I can find.

Now, onto actual content:

First off, I love your descriptive narrative on his looks - getting a personal touch for a character is important.  I see very little that can be improved upon here, so onto the next section!

The cutie Mark is... well, I DO like the idea here, but it's somewhat muddled.  You've mentioned that HE doesn't know what his CM is for... but YOU should know, and that knowledge should go into his background.  You can allude to the fact he doesn't know what it stands for, but there's nothing wrong with adding some clarification to it for PLAYERS to take in, since they'll be the ones potentially RPing with him.

I like how you've described him; he occurs to me as a workaholic by nature, wanting to get a job done and fill his role in it.  Determination and responsibility are good traits to have, and it speaks volumes of Blue's personal character.

Ruthless Honesty?  That can be a fun trait to have... but I noticed that you say, and I quote, 'he loves the back and forward, so expect some in return, but for the purposes of civil RP'ing, this trait can be entirely ignored by default'.  THAT is a no-no.  A character is supposed to be who they ARE... traits shouldn't be pushed aside to have a story; those elements should be a PART of Blue's story, and should be roleplayed to the hilt.  Remember, some folks LIKE debate and arguments when it comes to roleplay, so to offer to pull those elements back would be disloyal to Blue's personality.  I say you play it to the hilt, and remover the spoiler-offer... conflict can be more appealing that mundane agreement.

...are all things to be minimized for maximum convince.  <=== Um... I don't understand what you mean here; can you clarify?  Maybe I can help you locate a better way to express this.

The whole story with him taking the graveyard job... it's... kinda muddled and doesn't seem to have much actual impact on any reasoning behind his Cutie Mark.  Keep in mind that it's okay to describe to PLAYERS what it means, even if the character doesn't comprehend it; this is one of those things I think needs to have some OOC clarification.  The dream sequence describes no reason for his CM, and it feels like something that sounds more like a cover story for not having a purpose than a description of a character's CM history.  I'm more than happy to offer my services to help you figure out a different way to put it, or to find a means to explain to players in a manner that keeps character knowledge separate from player knowledge.

Overall, I like the direction you're headed in with Blue - and I dig that tail, yo - and I think we could refine him a bit better before we put him into Second Approval.

Respond here, and we can get started!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that even if others might see you as a monster, the life you live will bear the testament of your own truth.  Here's to Midnight, and the hope that he'll live the kind of life where a monster couldn't possibly achieve.

Your Humble Servant,

     Randimaxis

[APPROVED]

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that in our search for knowledge, we must never forget that even the adventure of the pursuit itself has the potential to teach us just as much as the specific result we first set out to achieve.

May Glacy find what he seeks - and so much more.

     Your Humble Servant,

          Randimaxis

[APPROVED]

Okay, I think I caught all of the instances of word-mashing and fixed 'em.

Updating the profile..?  Well, I sorta left it open-ended on PURPOSE.   As you see above, just writing out the initial introduction took a LOT of work - especially with shenanigans going on - and left it open-ended so that anything further could be alluded to in-play.

If I was to bring the above application 'up to speed'?  It would be a MILE of text.

Mind you, I am NOT arguing with you; if you feel it TRULY needs to be done, *gulp* I'll do it... but I would like to make this single attempt to ask for mercy on my poor fingers.