Widdershins

Would I want to change my gender on a whim, knowing full well the dangers or risks that I might incur? Yeah. No different than if I could will myself to sprout new heads, gain superpowers or become some elaborate, grotesque monstrosity.

Hey now! Who you callin' "Grotesque?!" I'd call it "entertaining!"

Bah! You and your grandiose philosophizing!

 Any option, I'm saying, would be equally desireable.

 But the trouble is... much as it'd mean to me to shapeshift, have my very being be written by my own thoughts & expression... The sad part of it? Regardless of what I could become, no matter how long or what new experiences I could gain... I still wouldn't be happy. I'd have to constantly spiral on a daily basis to keep inventing new forms. Because when it comes down to it...

 I hate myself. I loathe my own existences.

 Because the one thing I've never been able to escape is Being Me. The way I've become where I have this constant urge to escape whatever I am, whatever I have to cope with.

 Deep, personal, self-loathing is the origin & basis for my being. 

 Don't be sad about that. It shouldn't come across as that big of a surprise.

 It's something I've come to accept of myself.

…

 That, you can be sad about.