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So, over Christmas season I done bought me a Fruitcake.
Y'know, them dense lil' logs o' goop. They're just as atrocious as their reputation states. I adore them.
Sure, some might say "Just buy a fresh-cooked, actual bread fruitcake" but I say it defeats the purpose if you aren't inflicting Good, Preservative-Dense Fruitcake.
I'll have you all know, I'm personally responsible for at least half of the world's population of Fruitcakes that get sent to you buy relatives who should REALLY know you DON'T want a fruitcake. The fruitcakes that get repackaged to others and are in the mail or shelves for decades before they go bad.
And when they go bad, they eat Kentucky.
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The prepackaged stuff that comes into an odd rectangle that can blunt concrete? The stuff with the oddly, brightly colored "candied" fruits and walnut pieces that even oddlier look more like grey dust markings that would look like Mold if it weren't for the fact your pretty sure there's nothing organic anymore in this log? Yes, that kind of fruitcake.
Speaking of which! Nutlogs! They are also cheesy in every meaning of the word! ...except that one, you skeevy card!
What?! Really?!!? Let's see about that!!
E-... K-A-C-T... *Poof!*
/Turns into a Fruitcake
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