Here No Longer

667

"I understand that you don't understand what's wrong with it but I really really hate the phrasing of that."

I don't feel like I have that much of one. It exists, sort of, but any masculine side I'd have would really be more non-binary if anything. That is definitely a factor in why I'm transitioning from my assigned male status (that I still am legally, want to fix that sometime this year)

"I really wish it wasn't so easy for me to feel guilty."

Feeling a determination to get completely through what I'd been going through the past several days. But at the same time, also feeling a wee bit nervous about the future to come. Only natural I guess.

If I'm being honest, I've had a love/hate relationship with a lot of people in my family. On one hand I love them because I find them to be mostly genuine and admirable people who make a lot of their circumstances as I try and in my opinion fail to, but on the other... Ehhh, they've had a weird record on a few things, and some of their views frankly scare me... And well, I feel like they've accidentally contributed to some of my emotional problems (but don't blame them for it, mostly). Of the bunch though I'm more on the love and strongly respect side unless they come to have a problem with who I am. Which I can safely say my older sister does not have any issue with me being trans.

I'm in college, going for an IT-related associate's. This semester I'm taking two IT classes and a sociology class. I will come out to that sociology class about being, well, who I am, when the time is right. And that time is approaching after Spring Break! If they don't like it, hey we were supposed to talk about controversial stuff in here, and being offended by it is their problem not mine.

I'm going to do that at some point in a few months. In fact, to the name I have here from my legal given name I think is somewhere here but I'm not going to bother looking for it because it hurts to pretend is a thing that I'm referred to as.

"I know we can't forget the pain, but can we at least get past it without breaking?"

Basically The World Revolving theme from Deltarune except Jevil's depressed.

Some sweet and sour chicken and rice~

Upset with OBS... It's acting VERY strange and I hate it.

About what happens when you suppress years of feeling lonely and like almost nobody truly cares... It hasn't let up... What have years and years of holding my emotions back done to me...?

Like I just unearthed a motherload of trauma accidentally...

To answer your question I'd consider myself somewhere in the corner of true neutral and chaotic good in terms of DND alignments. So no I'm not evil I don't think.

669

Like I made the serious mistake of touching my face... Also hungry, seems about as good of a time as any to eat something.

I'm kind of looking forward to Tiny Tina's Wonderlands, sound like it will put a needed wrench in the Borderlands formula the series has sorely needed as of recent. Like the games are great and all but they feel same-y, Wonderlands looks like it although still feeling like a Borderlands game will also feel different and, that's what I want to see. Plus, I don't think I need to express how good of an idea a full game based on the Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep DLC in 2 sounds on paper and seemingly in practice.

I genuinely cannot afford to at this point. Concern for what others WOULD think of me for who I really am caused me an absurd amount of distress.

"I guess this is supposed to be what happens when you have a little too much fun on monopoly night?"

Overall... Really, really terrible. I've went through an absolute... ton of things. Between the mistake of genetics to give me this Y chromosome, both of my parents dying before I even turned 25, Being stricken with all kinds of traumatic experiences from times of poverty as well as all this time pretending to be someone I'm not... It really gets to you. It hurts. Also went through years of domestic abuse at the hands of an ex... Like somebody who's supposed to love you shouldn't threaten your life... But yeah... But lately, it's improved a bit. I've been able to be on my way to correct the mistakes genetics made and correct society's consistent (mostly inadvertent and forgivable) mistreatment of me, and I'm getting another chance. Things are... slowly getting better but not without their bumps. The past 3 days I'll say were MISERABLE. I was breaking down or extremely depressed for the vast majority of that time... I'm trying to give it time, but I've gone through some... seriously heavy stuff in my brief 24 and a half years on this planet. Maybe I'll get to be the woman I want to be, but... I'm still getting there. Recently I feel a bit better though so yay.

Some rather political stuff ahead but I'll be very succinct about it, and just get straight to the point.

A trans man version of myself...? Possible...?

Balan Wonderworld's a decent game. Sue me.

About my gender? Well, I can say that there's a couple of things I won't like that I can't really talk about here. Basically don't like the harassment over it. But, hey, it's better than what I was assigned at birth. That mistake of genetics caused... IMMENSE... amounts of pain.