Here No Longer

What I mean is that My parents didn't divorce though. if you don't know, my mother died when I was 11 years old. Luckily I don't think that pain really rose to the surface all too often, but I think that might have haunted me subconciously and made me become more damaged by that point. Really I think I used video games as a sort of coping mechanism and it may have become ever since a sort of way to deal with my problems without taking them head-on. Of course, that isn't entirely healthy, but hey, what's a secretly hurting and not entirely so secretly depressed kid to do? Dealing with the problems at that point head-on would have been way too much for me too handle.

I know this, because, well, I was forced to as an adult. That and also the stresses of poverty. My dad and I have been almost totally broke for a year and a half now. I don't have internet at my actual house, or AC, or sometimes much of anything to really eat or drink. I've been out of toothpaste for a week at a time more than once. After a while, it really intensified suicidal thoughts I had tucked in the back of my mind, and I have tried more than once in the past year to end my own life. I have more than a distraction now, luckily, but f*** do I really need my boyfriend. He's really the thing keeping me from deciding that my life has no purpose anymore. 

I know there's plenty of you on here that more than likely feel the same pain I am, but never really talk about it. I know that at the least most of you living in the Rust Belt can relate. You know, the places that our great nation abandoned. Left in the dust to rot and die. I feel that way sometimes too. Like the world as a whole has abandoned me and left me to rot. It's why economic and psychological issues have become of such importance to me. It's part of why I really got into populist left-wing politics. It seems to be a shining beacon of hope for people like us. As for the psychological ones, I think they're well enough chronicled here, but I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and likely autism for the longest time now. I know the pain, and you know, I kind of wish I didn't. This is getting really long so I'll stop it here. I'm just going to say, I've come to know a lot of pain in my 22 years of life and in a way the themes of this show resonate with some of it.