A French Derpy full of Salt

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Everything posted by A French Derpy full of Salt

  1. It's back, for now. Room Mate: Why do you have 9 dogs? Me: What do you call a fly with no wings? RM: Don't. Me: A WALK! Me: *drown in a tidal wave of dogs*
  2. Having gay parents must be harsh... I mean, you get the double amount of dad jokes or endless loops of "go ask your mom".
  3. Welp, Tiny Tina ain't Tiny anymore. AND WHERE'S MISTER TORGUE FLEXINTON? I WANT TO BLOW UP THE OCEAN!

  4. In the middle ages Queen: come to bed King: not until I have a name for my soldiers Queen: k night King: babe ur a genius.
  5. I'm sorry I called you "dude", I didn't know you were a pansexual gender fluid non-binary moca frappuccino with dual acting hydraulic cylinder and leather grip swiss army knife who also identifies as female
  6. Why was 6 scared of 7? approximately -0.89594417018
  7. You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2. This joke was so bad I don't even
  8. I'm having a salad for launch. It's a fruit salad. It's all grapes. They're fermented.
  9. Maybe Jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying "ah, men".
  10. I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
  11. It's been like 3 month, but anyway... "TORGUE MUNITIONS HAS A POP QUIZ FOR YOU, SKAGLICKER! YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN STEELY-EYED BANDITS! DO YOU: A ) BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS WITH YOUR TORGUE ASSAULT RIFLE, B ) RUN AND TAKE COVER, OR C ) CALMLY GET THEM TO PUT THEIR WEAPONS DOWN AND YOU KNOW THE ANSWER IS A! BUY A GODDAMN TORGUE GUN!" - Torgue Radio Ad; Borderlands 2
  12. In the wizarding world, rappers would be the hardest to battle. Imagine how fast they could cast multiple spells.
  13. doctor, handful of pills: Here, take four of these. Me, swallowing them: What are they? Doctor, crushing up and snorting the rest: We're about to find out. Bonus Pirate: The cannons be ready Captain. Captain: ARE.
  14. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
  15. Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
  16. Yes, English can be weird. But it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Bonus: 1.8 is higher than 1.7 1.9 is higher than 1.8 but 1.10 is lower than 1.9
  17. Ah, tick-tick-tock. Is that the sound of a Geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? It's both!

    That's right. Here at Black Mesa, when we talk about "half-life," we mean it in more ways than one.

    So make your peace, and come to Black Mesa.

    Here, you'll win a chance to fight freaks of nature, escape countless safety hazards, wander aimlessly for hours, and die scared, tired, and alone!

  18. My wife gave birth to my new son, but sadly, no dad jokes came out of my mouth. Oh, and also, my friend suddenly became a comedian.
  19. What kind of fish is composed of only two sodium atoms? 2 Na
  20. Doctor: You've got six weeks to live Me: Give me eight Doctor: It doesn't work like that. Me: Seven? Doctor: Come on... Me: F*ck you. Doctor: Ok, now it's five.
  21. I wish the earth was flat so I could jump off the edge and die with an authentic Minecraft falling out of the world experience. DnD bonus: Monk: Have some liquid courage, friend. Paladin: I have a spell for that, it's called Heroism. It allow me not to be intimidated or scared. Monk: I do too, it's called Jack Daniels.
  22. I think comedy + any genre is the best combination and can be appealing to people.
  23. I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.