Imperial_Crest

4 hours ago, Booker said:

I agree that the plot is good, and also that it needs editing. Something like the browser extension Grammarly can catch quite a few errors. A word of advice though, it tends to make the text editor on FiMFic unbearably slow, so I'd recommend writing a bunch with Grammarly turned off and then turning it on to fix any errors.

I hope you don't mind, but I copied the prologue of your fic into Grammarly's text editor and this is what came up. I don't know what the premium alerts entail since I don't use the paid version, but even so, that's 13 less errors that an editor has to fix and 13 less errors for a reader to see.

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I've noticed quite a few places where punctuation could be used. I'm not entirely sure if it's grammatically incorrect or if it's just my opinion, but I think it would be easier to read if, for example, this;

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Around 10Am at the bridge of the ship one of the Japanese sailors spotted something “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

was something like this instead.

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Around 10 Am at the bridge of the ship, one of the Japanese sailors spotted something. “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

 

In my opinion at least, it's good to add commas here and there to put pauses into the narrative. It's a lot easier on the eyes, and it's faster to comprehend.

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Another thing I noticed was the tense changing throughout the story. It's good to keep the story in the past tense, though some authors do choose to use the present tense. The tense can switch at times, but it takes practice to make it easily readable. So you might want to change this;

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The Yamato’s main guns starts moving and points its guns at the coming near aircraft then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them and the two planes flew away.

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to something more like this.

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The Yamato’s main guns started moving and pointed its guns at the coming near aircraft, then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them, and the two planes flew away.

 

And this comes with practice (which you can gain both by writing and by reading), but that sentence is a bit difficult to read. Something like this is a bit easier on the eyes, and as you get more used to writing, you can add more descriptive text. Just don't go overboard or it will feel flowery. Obviously you'll have your own writing style, but sentences can feel a little sloppy when there are too many commas and/or too many conjunctions (think FAN BOYS if you learned that in school. For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. Try to avoid using those words too much).

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The Yamato’s turrets started moving as it aimed its main guns at the approaching aircraft. Ear-splitting booms filled the air as the massive guns fired at the American planes, but the shells failed to hit their marks and the aircraft flew away, unscathed.

 

 

I've already got a lot on my plate between my job, BronyCon coming up soon, and the three fairly large fics I'm currently working on. I don't have time to do a lot of heavy editing in addition to all of that. I could do a little bit for you here and there if you want, but it won't be fast progress.

 

Thanks for the reply and also I'll try to use the Grammarly Online text editor to correct the 13 errors and changing and adding things in the prologue and the next chapter. I think its okay that you can to a little bit here and there option and also that means I can change most things in the next chapters (not uploaded) during the wait. 

In case if I'm offline on the MLP Forum u can contact me through either Gmail, Facebook or Instagram

7 hours ago, 2nd Amendment Brony © said:

I glanced at it, and yes it needs major editing. But I don't think I have the time to do it. I would say the writing is simplistic. There is little nareative build up. You describe in broad terms what has happened or is happening, but you don't paint a detailed, narrative picture of the scene.

Also, a lot of it seems askward to read. For instance, 

Later in the morning around nine o clock in the ocean of the East China Sea, a small fishing boat captained by Yamanami assisted by two alicorns from another world, Imperial Crest and Luna.

This could be a couple paragraphs by itself, describing the scene, the boat, the characters, and where they are from.

That's just what I see at a glance. I suggest reading some novels and adopting a style you like from them.

Thanks for the reply and yes I'll try to fix it and I just posted this thread a day ago so I'm waiting for more replies. 

The Yamato Project

Hey guys I’m looking for a proof-reader/editor who is committed to proof-read/edit my fanfic work. I've only done the Chapter 1 to 3 and still working on chapter 4. The prologue is done by a previous proof-reader but he didn’t want to continue due to him being busy. So DM me or comment below if you are interested in proof-reading/edit my fanfic or if you know anyone that proof-read/edit you can still DM me or comment. Also here’s the overview story of my fanfic ‘Blue Steel Yamato’ below this paragraph if you’re interested in it. Thank you

Note: I don't mind if it's more than one proof-reader/editor.

My overview of Blue Steel Yamato

The fanfic 'Blue Steel Yamato' is basically a story about the old battleship Yamato coming back to life from the seafloor by one of the main characters like Imperial Crest (My OC name) with the help of his friends to save his country Zipang (outside of Equestria basically similar to Japan) from being captured by the New Lunar Republic forces using the battleship Yamato. The story takes place around the main show to the present. The series will focus on the ship (possibly) and the characters (there will be more characters later in the fanfic series) and their development and challenges they have to face as the story progresses. It’s basically inspired story from the popular military/sci-fi/ space opera anime genre called Space Battleship Yamato (both classic and remake) with the mlp setting but not in space but in the expanded world of Equestria and the Yamato is in its WW2 look, not the space battleship version. There will be other references from other animes, cartoons, and movies in the series that's going to be mentioned or appear. So that's basically my own summary of my fanfic.

Other social media to DM or email me:

Instagram: imperial__blue__crest (my account is priv so my profile pic looks like a blue alicorn oc)

Fimfiction: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/286622/Imperial_Blue_Crest

Gmail: admiral.imperial.crest@gmail.com

Hello everypony I'm new here and I've been liking MLP FIM since 2013.

Lately, I've been working a fanfic called Blue Steel Yamato and I was wondering if you guys know anyone that can proofread my work. I've only done the Chapter 1 to 3 and still working chapter 4. The prologue is done by a previous proofreader but unfortunately, he quitted due to life stuff and he suggested me to go to this forum to ask if there are proofreaders that can check my work. So if anyone has found someone that can proofread my fanfic. Dm me thanks

You can message on any of these social network listed below.

Gmail: admiral.imperial.crest@gmail.com

IG: imperial__blue__crest

Messenger: m.me/ImperialBlueCrest

Discord: Imperial_Crest#1983