Midnight Solace

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Status Updates posted by Midnight Solace

  1. I’m so sorry…

    After seeing how much you were worried about me, I felt awful. Even though I missed all of you, I never expected anypony to care that I was gone. It… Really makes me feel sad… And emotionally overwhelmed to see how much you cared… All of you are my friends, but I just feel like I don’t deserve any kind of affection. It hurts to see how kind you were to me despite how much of a worthless, sickening, disappointment I am.

    This really is all my fault… If I wasn’t so weak and expressed my feelings on here, If I wasn’t so selfish and made that stupid mistake, then you wouldn’t have been worried about me at all. You wouldn’t have to waste your time and caring on me. You probably would have never even thought of me. And things might have been better that way…

    I’m sorry… I don’t want to be like this. I shouldn’t burden others with my own problems. I’ve been told so many times how I’m attention-seeking and self-indulgent, how much of a burden I am to everyone I meet… And that’s all I really am… And why I think I should start keeping things to myself again. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, but most importantly, I don’t want to make others hurt because of me… Nopony will have to worry about hearing about my pain ever again. And eventually, hopefully soon, nopony will have to worry about me at all.

    I still remember how I really wanted nothing more than to see all of you again, but now, I just feel like I never belonged here… Coming back was already painfully hard as it is, but I never expected to feel so bad… Just writing this brings back so many memories, and it’s all getting increasingly overwhelming. I’m really worried that I’ve lost all my friends since it’s been so long, and I’m scared of what they might think of me now…

    I didn’t want to appear vulnerable like this, but I wanted to let those who care at all know that I’m sorry… Even if they don’t anymore. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, because I know I never will. The truth is, I’m not really needed here anymore, I’m just a waste of space… Even my own friends don’t need me…

    … I think I need to rest now. All this increased medication is making me feel dizzy and sleepy. And I’m just tired… Tired of everything.

    I love you all very much and please don’t hate me for the burden I have been to you. But most importantly, don’t hate yourself. This is not your fault.

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. RaraLover

      RaraLover

      Hello again, my friend! :fluttershy:

      It's amazing to see you again. I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay. Shake the haters off, you've got tons of friends here who misses you. Don't ever think of yourself as a "waste of space". You're a valued member on MLPF, but not only that, a great friend to many of us.

      Just remember that you've got friends here willing to support you, whenever you feel like you need help. :twi:

    3. Phosphor

      Phosphor

      Hate ya? No way! We love ya! And miss seeing you around here  :squee:

      You're a dear friend and hope to chat with ya again. Hope you enjoy your birthday with Twily and I look forward to seeing ya around here :grin: 

    4. Christmas Angel Dust

      Christmas Angel Dust

      I'm just so glad you're still here!
      I genuinely started thinking that you'd killed your self,
      I got really depressed and got more depressed because I kept thinking you were dead.

      Enjoy your birthday, and stay in touch please, you're a great person


  2. I guess my topic in Life Advice got removed because maybe it was too depressing for some. Honestly, I think this just comes to show how awfully heartbreaking my life is, as knowing how I truly feel can be way too much for others.

    The thing is, I haven't even shared half of my thoughts in that thread. It really hurts to know that even by expressing my feelings just a bit, could make others sad. I never wanted that. I’m just in such an anxious emotional state. 

    I guess this is why I didn't make a Life Advice topic in the first place. I never wanted to be a burden to others.
    It really shows how hopeless, lost and alone I am. I'm just too complicated for anyone to like or help.
    I really feel like I don't belong in the MLPF community anymore. I have never felt that I belong anywhere, really.
     

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Kyoshi

      Kyoshi

      If it was removed, then that is incredibly stupid. That is the whole damn point of that section.

    3. Phosphor

      Phosphor

      Oh no. My friend is not doing so well  :(

      *squeezes @Midnight Solace

       

      Pinkie Pie hug 6.jpg

    4. Bas

      Bas

      I'd still stand by my point I wouldn't try to help you if I don't think you could get into something better.

      Believe in the future, good perspectives are coming!

  3. I know I've been a bit quiet on the status updates for a while. It's just that I feel I've felt extremely sorrowful over the past few days, and I've really had no motivation to do the things I enjoy, or even just express how I am feeling to others. It's really hard to do things when your mind is clouded with the most painful thoughts. I don't think this would ever end.

    And I hate myself, like... A lot. I always feel like a bother to other ponies, because some of them are always checking on me to make sure I'm okay. The thing is, I'm an introvert. That means that when I'm feeling down, chances are that I won't go to you for help. In fact, I won't go to anyone for help. I don't feel that I should burden others with my problems.

    I honestly don't know how my life could get better at this point in my life. I feel awfully lost, and hopeless.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      Ouh sorry to hear you're feeling like this. :mlp_rarity: 

    3. Bas

      Bas

      I know you are scared and confused.

      The suggestion I have in mind is that you don't think. Instead, trust on what others (that you do trust, like in that LA thread) have to say and do these things. We wouldn't be suggesting them if we wouldn't believe in them helping you.

    4. Scar

      Scar

      You need to get some real help on this, saying about it on status updates is not going to do much to help you in the long run.

  4. I always thought that I had friends... 
    I thought I had someone to trust, someone I could speak to...
    It really hurts when the pony who made you feel so special yesterday... Makes you feel so unwanted today.
    It isn't their fault. It's mine. Everything is my fault.
    I am a failure. I have lost all my friends because of my mistakes.
    I am a disgrace, a pathetic piece of junk, a pony that no one would love, and I do not deserve to live.
    I can't live knowing that I have broken another pony's heart.
    But I'd do anything for my friends, to make it up to them.
    They don't have to forgive me, because they matter to me so much.
    I just want to say... I'm sorry. Everything was my fault.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Kevin Tang

      Kevin Tang

      Many people here tried to change your mind and help you to feel better, but months have passed and you're still pretty much the same, guess those people have failed to help.

    3. Meemfestivefox

      Meemfestivefox

      Aww...have a hug, my friend. :kindness:

    4. Lord Midnight Madness

      Lord Midnight Madness

      It's not your fault. I've lost alot of friends maybe some of the stuff I did was stupid but It wasn't all my fault. Don't beat yourself up over it man.

  5. If you guys have wondered why I'm not drawing anymore, It's because I don't think I find interest in drawing anymore. I can't even think clearly, and the things I like to do doesn't matter to me these days. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. TheTaZe

      TheTaZe

      @Midnight Solace People adore your banner on the site. They want to see you draw.

    3. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      What @TwilySparky said! Your drawings are awesome, my friend! :rarity:

    4. Bas

      Bas

      They wouldn't win a banner contest if they weren't good.

  6. I'm having a bad... Day. Could anyone talk in PM? :blush:

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Kevin Tang

      Kevin Tang

      We can chat for a bit, only if you want to.

    3. Partialgeek514

      Partialgeek514

      I can chat in a few hours if you'd like.

    4. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      If you'll ever feel the need to talk with someone, feel free to poke me here or on Discord. :fluttershy:

  7. I'm sorry. I'm just sad.

    My life has felt so meaningless lately... Like, who am I?

    I don't know anymore... I just feel sorrowful. Hopeless. Distressed. Fearful. Lost. Heartbroken. Lifeless. Alone. Crushed. Rejected. Hesitant. Pathetic. Useless. Agonized. Uneasy. Tearful. Anxious. Pained. Discouraged. Vulnerable. Afraid. Shy. Lonely. Miserable. Mournful. Deprived. Helpless. Lonely. Ignored. Embarrassed. Doubtful. Empty. Dull. Nothing.

    1. Bas

      Bas

      We can work on improving it, but you need to get up and start doing things. Make a schedule.

  8. I'm not sure if it's just my OCD, or my perfectionism on things. I mean, if you were to see me at home, I would be doing this all day if I'm not on the forums.1586559597_TwilysOCD.gif.81a84617ed93e2e481a7a2261f4d8923.gif

    1. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      Twilight being adorkable like only she can... ^_^

    2. Cash In

      Cash In

      Don't worry, my OCD is even worse than Twilight's :love:

  9. If only you knew how much those little moments with you mattered to me.

    1. Bas

      Bas

      Nobody says you can't have them in the future.

  10. DWJQCj2U0AArrH3.jpg.edc6916a837e4a4017446c9b7b3f7304.jpg

    <3

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Twilight Luna

      Twilight Luna

      A cute plushie boop. :mlp_grin:

    3. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      That's incredibly cute! ^_^

    4. lyrabetes3939

      lyrabetes3939

      So adorable!!! :wub:

  11. Don't You Miss The Days When I Used To Type Like This? :-P

    1. Jeric

      Jeric

      No! 

      :P

       

  12. I feel disturbed by loud noises, tired of having too much work to do, and thinking I should draw more but cannot focus due to my anxiety, erratic emotional state, and generally clouded mind.

    So, basically my average day.

    1. Kevin Tang

      Kevin Tang

      Get an earplug, that's what life is, and don't draw if you feel down at the moment, just....rest your mind for a while

    2. Lord Midnight Madness

      Lord Midnight Madness

      Life gets loud and some times you just gotta block it out. I put in some earbuds when life gets to loud for me. You should try that.

  13. Well, it's officially 2019 here in Australia.

    I'm actually not really looking forward to another year, and most definitely not looking forward to the end of FiM.

    *sigh* 

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Cash In

      Cash In

      @Midnight Solace Yep. I don't plan on disappearing from here anytime soon. 

    3. Twilight Luna

      Twilight Luna

      @Midnight Solace Yes, you still have us. :-D

    4. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      Yep! We'll always be here! :) Well unless Jeric goes wild and bans all of us for his own entertainment. jk :ph3ar:

  14. I feel like my silence is just another word for my pain. 

    I feel like I am nothing but a failure at everything in my life. A failure and a disappointment at everything and to everyone.

    Heartbroken Rainbow by Mickeymonster

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Cash In

      Cash In

      Midnight, I can tell you firsthand that you aren't a failure. Nobody is. 

      I've felt the same way before. I'm not talented at anything and my brain doesn't work properly. Despite this, I wouldn't consider myself a failure. As much as you may think it, I can guarantee you that your not a failure or a disappointment. 

    3. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      You're not a failure, my friend! *hugs* :kindness:

    4. Lord Midnight Madness

      Lord Midnight Madness

      Your not a failure man. I think you can be very successful. I think your artwork is great and you should keep at it you'll get better. Your not a failure by any means. Keep your head up man it gets better.

  15. Hey Buffy, what do you think of Equestria Daily's mascot, Spotlight Splash? :twismile: Have you guys met before?

    Related image

  16. I guess I'm not really a nice friend. I'm so sorry, everypony. :blush:

    My heart aches, and my stomach drops every single time I accidentally hurt my friends' feelings. I will never forgive myself. I should just keep things to myself again.

    I'm not worth it. Why should anyone care for me? Everything I say is wrong...

    I’m not a bad pony...

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Midnight Solace

      Midnight Solace

      I really want to let you guys know that you aren't just "random" ponies I met on internet. You are the best friends I had ever had. It was the first time I experienced true friendship in my entire life. 

      I just really don't want to ruin that friendship by making you think I don't care, because you guys have cared for me so much. You would take time out of your own life to write kind words to me. The unlikable, uninteresting pony who's always bad at art. I appreciate you guys so much, I think about what you said those nights, and it really helped me sleep since then.

      But at the same time, I absolutely do not want to be a bother or a burden to my friends... I just always feel like the problem.

    3. Kevin Tang

      Kevin Tang

      Still don't get it why you're feeling down again

    4. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      I think you misspelled a few words there. "The likable, interesting pony who's always good at art" is what it should say! :rarity:

  17. I really don't want others to keep on criticizing me badly for every single little thing I do or say. They have absolutely no idea who I am, or what I've been through. Mainly, they don't know how sensitive to words I am.

    I would remember every word they said to me, and I would probably never forget it. The thoughts of what they said would haunt my mind forever. Words can impact anypony's life, especially mine.

    The next time you see me around on the forums, please remember this. My life has really become all too much. I really don't want it to get worse. One single action could push someone over the edge, and that's it.

  18. Even watching MLP doesn’t help anymore. In fact, it makes me feel so much more worse. Seeing the Mane 6 as friends, is something I would never have.  It makes me feel horrible. Me, an unlikable, stupid, hopeless pony with no friends at all.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Midnight Solace

      Midnight Solace

      @Rikifive 

      No, no... Please, I really didn't mean that... I have never actually had any friends IRL, and you guys are my only true friends I've had in my entire life. You guys definitely do count. There's no way you're just "random," you guys are the most amazing ponies I have ever met.

      It's just that recently I have, well... Felt sad. Alone. I don't want to go into too much detail, but if it wasn't for the friends I have on the forums, I don't think I would still be here. I've just been judged and shamed by other users, and words really do make me sad. Every word goes straight to my heart.

      Oh no, please don't hate me. I really do appreciate you dudes... You're not "random," not at all. You guys are definitely considered my best friends.

      Argh, I feel so bad.

    3. Cash In

      Cash In

      Eh, don't worry about it. It's a simple mistake. I'm sure Riki understands. 

    4. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      @Midnight Solace Oh don't you worry, that's not what I meant. :mlp_rarity: It's just that having friends in real life is always better than online ones, that interaction usually is limited to text only. Even when having tons of friends online, you may still feel alone and this is what I thought you're referring to, right? We may say nice things to you, but that won't be as good as having a supporting friend in real life that you could hang out with and judging by what you've said, that's what I think you need. I didn't assume we completely don't count for you, but I can imagine we may be not enough and that's understandable. :twi:

      I said:

      Quote

      If not the distance, things could have be different.

      because things could have be better if not the long distance between each other. :twi:

  19. I wonder what you guys think of me now... I feel absolutely awful. Ignored. Hopeless.

    My heart aches as I think back on the days when I wasn’t hated. No matter how much my life has changed, I still keep looking back on better days.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      You're a great friend! :kindness: I'm sure no one here hates you!

    3. Cash In

      Cash In

      I think of you as a fine young gentleman. You just have a few problems in your life, that's all :kindness:.

    4. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      Definitely not what you think. :twi: Why are trying to see enemies in us? :mlp_please: You know it's not true. :twi:

  20. Hearth's Warming makes everything twice as sad for me. Seeing how everypony else is in a good mood, and then there's just me. :blush:

    I don't mean to ruin the fun though, so... Happy Hearth's Warming! :twismile:

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      Happy Hearth's Warming, my friend! I hope the day gets better for you! :kindness:

    3. Partialgeek514

      Partialgeek514

      Honestly, I've had a tradition of getting depressed practically every Hearth's Warming for the past several years.

    4. Phosphor

      Phosphor

      *Hugs @Midnight Solace

      Hope ya have a happy Hearth's Warming!

      Twilight_Sparkle_hugging_Rarity_S7E19.png

  21. Dear Santa, all I ever wanted was to be happy.

    1. Bas

      Bas

      we will be working on that.

  22. Every time somepony asks if I am okay, it's just a reminder that I'm not. The reason I keep my feelings to myself, is because I can't explain them.

    Have you ever felt like you don't know what's going on anymore? Like you don't care about anything anymore? You've lost your motivation to do anything, you are confused about your feelings, and you can't just express yourself. You have that feeling of emptiness, and the feeling that no one is there for you. That feeling that nopony understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore. I have this feeling every moment of my life.

    I try to kill myself, and fail. And then now i'm known as an attention seeking whore. But if I succeed, then suddenly, everyone loved me.

    I have to accept the fact that I won't ever be someone's first choice.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Phasereale

      Phasereale

      I know how you feel buddy. I have had these feelings alot before in my life and I totally understand. I have lost interest in doing things I enjoy as well and just becomes boring and not fun anymore. I tried to express myself before too, but it just got hard for me to express them and get them out. And the rest I've also had experience with as well, except ending my own life. Their were times I wanted to do that, but I am too afraid and scared of death to do it. Have you tried going to therapy?

      I also want to let you know that I care about you everyday, no matter what. You are my friend! 

      * hugs @Midnight Solace *

      :ticking::-P

    3. Cash In

      Cash In

      People ask if you're okay, because they care about you. The intention is not to harm or discomfort you, but to make sure your safe. It's a reminder that we care. 

      Feelings are one of the most difficult things to explain and understand. I know how you feel. Everything is a disappointment. I feel brain-dead. I can't process things properly. Sure, it's not the same thing, but I understand these feelings you have.

      You can't give up. I could tell you that things will get better, but there's a good chance that thet won't. It's harsh, but it's true. However, if you stick around long enough, you can work towards ridding yourself of these terrible feelings. 

    4. Bas

      Bas

      @Midnight Solace Please do what I asked you for; Write down all these user names and nice things they said to you. Keep it in your pocket, and look at it when you are sad.

      Else..you need to start doing things I suggested, getting and asking for help. Maybe some users from MLPF from Melbourne cuold help you with it.

  23. I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel at this time of the year. It looks like everypony else is happy, but it just makes me feel worse. Being ignored by someone whose attention means the world to you is the worst feeling. It's alright though, I'm used to ignored all the time. I get ignored so much that my nickname should be "terms and conditions."

    1. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      I hope things get better for you, my friend! :(

    2. Partialgeek514
  24. Oh yeah, today IS Luna day! How could I forget? :-D

    tumblr_ok760nNfAZ1thsrlto4_540.gif.e957b61f6924211cc656394c0a9c6960.gif

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Tacodidra

      Tacodidra

      At least you remembered in the end so I think you're not in much trouble. But what if you didn't? :orly:

    3. Lord Midnight Madness

      Lord Midnight Madness

      Poor sun butt she doesn't deserve that lol.

    4. Cash In

      Cash In

      Luckily you didn't forget it completely. We don't want to make Luna sad now.

  25. tumblr_ovl2suxoik1w0by9bo1_400.gif.3fdac9b1dc998c43c846dd7d8f2feba8.gif

    1. Rikifive

      Rikifive

      :catface:

      I saw a user having this as a profile picture. :P