Midnight Solace

I’m so sorry…

After seeing how much you were worried about me, I felt awful. Even though I missed all of you, I never expected anypony to care that I was gone. It… Really makes me feel sad… And emotionally overwhelmed to see how much you cared… All of you are my friends, but I just feel like I don’t deserve any kind of affection. It hurts to see how kind you were to me despite how much of a worthless, sickening, disappointment I am.

This really is all my fault… If I wasn’t so weak and expressed my feelings on here, If I wasn’t so selfish and made that stupid mistake, then you wouldn’t have been worried about me at all. You wouldn’t have to waste your time and caring on me. You probably would have never even thought of me. And things might have been better that way…

I’m sorry… I don’t want to be like this. I shouldn’t burden others with my own problems. I’ve been told so many times how I’m attention-seeking and self-indulgent, how much of a burden I am to everyone I meet… And that’s all I really am… And why I think I should start keeping things to myself again. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, but most importantly, I don’t want to make others hurt because of me… Nopony will have to worry about hearing about my pain ever again. And eventually, hopefully soon, nopony will have to worry about me at all.

I still remember how I really wanted nothing more than to see all of you again, but now, I just feel like I never belonged here… Coming back was already painfully hard as it is, but I never expected to feel so bad… Just writing this brings back so many memories, and it’s all getting increasingly overwhelming. I’m really worried that I’ve lost all my friends since it’s been so long, and I’m scared of what they might think of me now…

I didn’t want to appear vulnerable like this, but I wanted to let those who care at all know that I’m sorry… Even if they don’t anymore. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, because I know I never will. The truth is, I’m not really needed here anymore, I’m just a waste of space… Even my own friends don’t need me…

… I think I need to rest now. All this increased medication is making me feel dizzy and sleepy. And I’m just tired… Tired of everything.

I love you all very much and please don’t hate me for the burden I have been to you. But most importantly, don’t hate yourself. This is not your fault.