Midnight Solace

Why still make DVDs when you can watch it on Netflix? 

Last night, You know, after the whole Kirin fiasco, I-

Wait, no suicidal stuff right? Almost forgot. 

Guess I'm getting quite the reputation on the forums.

I'm still really, really tired even though I slept for half the day. I just don't know why though... Is it the lack of motivation again? 

Nopony cares unless you're rich, popular, beautiful or dead.

I'm starting to think everyone hates me. And that's okay. Because I hate me too. Everything I seem to do is wrong, I can't even do anything right for once.

I don't know what to draw.

I feel like when I said I was gonna give up drawing, I really meant it.

Have any of you dudes went to Walmart before? Because in Australia there's no Walmart and I really want to go there because of all the pony merch.  I just assume most bronies live in the US, because of BronyCon. So, uhh... What's Walmart like? Is it like Toys R Us? 

@Bas @Cash In @Rikifive @TwilySparky @Partialgeek514 @Phosphor @Jeric @Randimaxis @Kevin Tang @shyabetes3939 @Tacodidra @EpicEnergy @Phasereale @Mellow Mane @Twilight Luna @DivineGlow1000 @MidnightDawn

Just wanted to let you guys know that you are who I consider my very best friends. You were always there for me from the start till now. You supported my art and was there for me when I was feeling down. Even if you don't think I'm that nice, or that my art sucks, It doesn't matter, because I am so grateful to have all of you in my life.   <3 

I'm going to the doctor's to get a blood test or something. I always hated hospitals so, wish me luck. 

Well, it's officially 2019 here in Australia.

I'm actually not really looking forward to another year, and most definitely not looking forward to the end of FiM.

*sigh* 

What do you guys think? Please tell me on what to improve on, any help is appreciated. 

Yeah, and excuse my stupid photo taking.

I guess I'd be sleeping now. Or watching MLP in bed.  Hopefully you guys like it!

Thanks to everypony for supporting me to keep drawing! It really helps. 

This took me 14 hours. Now it's 4am where I live so, good night! 

I'm terrible at taking pictures.

Who will be there for me? 

So I took a quiz on who am I meant to be in this world, and the results say this:

Striving to Help

You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it’s tending to others. 

What to watch out for: When you’re doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn’t mean she/he wants you to attend to it. 

Does this really sound like me? I don't even know who I am anymore...

Yes, I know it looks horrible. (And so is my photo taking) 

I wanted to show this to you guys when I'm done, but I'm starting to think it looks really bad.

I just need some "constructive" criticism. Please 

I'm so tired. Nope, not getting out of bed. It's 4pm now.

I guess I'm not really a nice friend. I'm so sorry, everypony. 

My heart aches, and my stomach drops every single time I accidentally hurt my friends' feelings. I will never forgive myself. I should just keep things to myself again.

I'm not worth it. Why should anyone care for me? Everything I say is wrong...

I’m not a bad pony...

I don't know what I think of the forums anymore. It used to be my haven, but now, I don't know what to think of it. But what I do know is that my view of it has been completely changed.

The Kirin Reaction War

(And how it has affected my life.)

Last night, I asked a simple question. I had to gain confidence and have patience. I asked If anypony else finds the Kirin Reaction offensive. I got told that I was overreacting, that my opinion doesn't make any sense. When I tried to explain myself, I was ignored and betrayed...

I started by asking a question. I didn't mean to offend anypony or anything. I was just telling the truth of my opinion.

The first comments were saying I was overreacting. @Odyssey said it was like an "legal" way to be rude. "It's there so that people can react as such without being directly rude and potentially breaking the rules." -Odyssey 

I agree. That's what I mean by it can be used as an offense to some without breaking the rules.

Then @Phosphor tried to show me that I could look at it a different way. It IS there just for fun, but sometimes ponies can make fun of others. I don't hate what Phosphor is trying to say.

@Cash In claimed that it is more of a "...Really? reaction. I found it the opposite though. 

To me, this is a "really" reaction.

But this is like a "really bitch " reaction.

"There's a difference."

Then @Mirage claimed that "my expectation is misplaced, if I can't take a little teasing.

Mirage is right. I can't take teasing. That's why I said I found it offensive. But my expectation are not "misplaced." I know how ponies can use this reaction to offend others. Say you're posting a status update on how your life sucks, and somepony gives you this face. You would think that pony views your update as "Dafuq?" I don't know about you, but this has happened to me before, and it is very down putting for someone who is already going through a lot.

Then, @Lucid_Nightlight said that it was just a picture on the internet. It is. But it has been sent by somepony else. One that would certainly give you that look if you chose to give that reaction.

@EpicEnergy said this; "I view the Kirin reaction as meaning "confused". It doesn't have an official meaning; rather, it's meaning can be interpreted multiple ways. However, going too far and labeling it as a flat-out insult is too extreme, especially when you have other people who might view the reaction as harmless or funny. It would lead to unnecessary conflicts and tension." 

What EpicEnergy has said, does make a lot of sense. I find it as an offense, but others do not. It's just that some ponies do not want to care about other's views and instead focus on their own. And yes, the Kirin lovers wanted unnecessary conflicts.

@SharpWit said, "It's a concerned sort of really. One mostly of dissapointment. It's a good way of cordially saying you don't agree with a statement, or as was previously said, "not amused". It's great for using as an end or beginning note to an argument or that you're tired of someone's behavior which may be simply overreactive or trollish.

This is what I meant. However, for some reason he has turned against on his opinion, and went on the Kirin lover's side. The reaction can be used in many ways, some that might be offensive.

"Those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge."

@CloudMistDragon said, "We've always had other "negative" brohoofs like "Shocked" and "Sad" that were used to show disapproval for someone's content so I can't help but find it silly to just get mad at that one and not the others. If people are actually going out of their way to follow your posts just to hit them with as many negative brohoofs as they can as a way of circlejerking, that I understand being upset over and I think that kind of behavior would deserve to be addressed."

^^ Exactly.

 @Mirage said, "Oh come on now. Big stretch. The Kirin did not behave that way because they were tired of something, or because they disagreed with someone else or they were disappointed or anything negative at all."

They were. They were disagreeing on how AJ and Flutters were fighting. And do not judge somepony's opinion without knowing any facts.

"They tried to silence AJ and flutters because they were arguing and mad at each other. What they understood was that arguing led to fighting, which led to their village burning down. According to Autumn Blaze, it was a 'lesson they never learned'. " - Mirage

Yeah, like you guys will never learn why I hate the Kirin reaction.

They were silenced, so they did not have the ability to make a disgusted face. But deep down, they were disgusted at how AJ and Flutters fought.

"That is not why they cocked their heads...maybe you need to watch that episode again!" - Mirage

I never said that they cocked their heads. I was talking about their expression on their face.

"How is it offensive? I think you might just be a bit overly sensitive about this. Yes, most people use the "..." emote to disagree with you but it's not offensive. That would be ridiculous." - @TwilySparky

Like mentioned earlier, it can be used in offensive ways, but some ponies might view it differently. My opinion was also called ridiculous. I have been friends with TwilySparky / TheTaze ever since I made this new account, so I feel it bit sad when I saw that my opinion was called ridiculous. But it is his opinion, and I respect that. Unlike some others...

"If you actually knew me, I can't deal with pain that just keeps happening over and over again."

@Dusky said this to me... "That's only a difference in your interpretation of what it means and nothing else. Really it doesn't sound like there's much substance to your argument here."

Excuse me, but I have looked into this for quite a while, and you can't just make assumptions without reading what I have posted earlier. And yes, it is MY interpretation, so respect it.

"Really think you are making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be." -TwilySparky

I am just getting a say on what my opinion is. I just wanted to know if other ponies felt me. I just wanted to prove my point.

"We get that you don't like the reaction. Okay, that is fine. But it isn't fair to judge others for using it." -Mirage

Since when did I judge anypony? I was not the one that @Usager called "dumb." And I actually took a lot of time thinking about this, so please, don't be rude.

"That's not how that works. I just really think you are thinking too much about this. You shouldn't be tearing yourself apart because of a picture of a kirin. " -TwilySparky 

This actually made me feel a bit better. But if you knew me, I take things very seriously.

"You're making mountains out of molehills here. Even if it is your opinion, you're doing very little to back it up. Which is kind of important when you're trying to justify it." -Dusky

I have A LOT to back it. Let me explain.

"About the kirin. Is not offensive, stop caring." -Usager

I can't not care. I'm caring. And it's my view on it. 

" When someone declares their life sucks, others have little to work with here. This could be fishing for sympathy or it could be a genuine cry for help. In either case, their responses could be twisted for the worst. So frankly, it's quite risky to approach someone who is expressing themselves in a negative way. So Kirin reaction could simply be a way for someone to indicate they are confused, or even sympathetic but unable to say more." -Mirage

It does not look sympathetic or confused. It looks much like a serious stare.

"If you have the freedom of expression then so do others. This necessarily means you will have to put up with expressions and opinions you don't like." -Mirage

I did not complain about any opinions. I just explained why I did not like them.

" I'm starting to have a hard time believing that. You can't really use an opinion to back up an opinion. It doesn't really work like that...  " -Dusky

I provided many reasons on why I take it as an offense. What do you want me to say?

"How am I supposed to understand what you're saying when you're using strawmen and deliberate misinterpretations of what happened in an episode (because those are the only arguments in the entire thread). As for my arguments against them, Mirage brings up good points that you seem to reject simply on the basis of seemingly trying to dislike something. That's all that I had seen at that point. I'm not just going to dig through a thread to try to find a justification for an opinion that makes absolutely no sense." -Dusky

If you never look through the thread, you would never understand and instead you still judge me on my opinion. That's what I mean by being ignorant, and you can't just make assumptions without going through what I have said.

"During the period in which the Crazy and Shrug reactions were under scrutiny for being uncivil or offensive, a few users defended them for being completely harmless at best, and a very minor jabbing tool at worst. I find that "..." falls under the same category as the former two reactions, in which it can be viewed in a negative context... but that doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing, if you ask me. Not only can context be warped enough to find a reaction such as "Yay" harmful, but I personally don't see anything wrong with a "negative" reaction being present. Either way, I suppose this is in the hands of the Administrators... but even so, I simply cannot advocate for a change such as this. I recall when Shrug used to be a present reaction... and when I received one, I would admittedly get a smidgen irate. Be that as it may, I would have never advocated for it to be removed. Even if you are not advocating for this reaction's removal at all, I do not personally find it offensive at all." - @The Recherche

This post was kind of true. I can be viewed in a negative context, but some see it differently. I never said I wanted to remove the reaction. I just found it really offensive. And yet others still give me it in that thread.

"Being offended is the most obvious indication that you are judging. Anyway, I'm done with this. All I have tried to do is show the facts and to help you see things in a more positive light. Your intent was clearly not to discuss this but to lash out at others that don't share your opinion." -Mirage

Again, with the judging. I am not the one that was judging, just expressing. I appreciate you showing your opinions. I like to hear from others, but not in such a harsh way. And I did not lash out at anyone, like I said, just expressing and explaining myself.

"This is the crazy emote fiasco all over again." -TwilySparky

I felt like when he said fiasco, he meant me... I just wanted to express myself...

"As Recherche said, it is good to have a "negative" reason for the variety of having it." -TwilySparky

I know, I just wanted to know if other ponies relate to me. Nothing more. It's good to have a variety of reactions, but this Kirin one looked like it was meant to be used as a "dafuq?" and I just find it used in really bad ways sometimes.

"Don't judge anypony unless you've heard their story"

"Being ignorant of my reasons isn't helping. Nothing is to be gained by reasoning with ignorant ponies anyways, like those who don't even care. But because you said I " reject simply on the basis of seemingly trying to dislike something", Fine. I will gather my reasons why.

When AJ and Flutters were fighting, The Kirin 1 on the left, had a more concerning and curious expression. Very similar to this:  

However Kirin 2 on the right, had a more "dafuq?" or dissapointed, displeasured look. Also very similar to this: 

Kirin 2's look is very similar to the Kirin reaction:  

I did not make any "deliberate misinterpretations." as you can see. 

I gave my best to express myself on how I was feeling on this reaction, and yet all of you guys gave me this disappointed look. I don't know about you, but I would feel very rejected by this. This happens to me alot. Tell a joke? Disappointment. Express myself? Disgusted. Explain why? Confused. This is the Kirin reaction all in one.

If you think the Kirin reaction is a concerning reaction, you're wrong. It is an offensive reaction used to be rude without breaking the rules.

Maybe it's because you guys like Kirins, (very one sided, aren't you?) But from this experience, You drove me to hate them.

Many ponies would be ignorant and wouldn't want to look into something they know absolutely nothing about and assume that Kirins are cute. We love them. But if you have an open mind, maybe you would see why. Maybe you haven't been bullied for 5 years or have been given that look by anypony else. Maybe life is too good for you to understand what is bad and what is good. This is from my experience, and if you don't care, that's fine by me. I just wanted to share my opinion, while all you guys judged me for being the odd one out.

But you know what I've been doing for so long? Why this hasn't been posted yet? Because I kept it to myself. I did not go around breaking other ponies' hearts with this reaction. It is the most downputting reaction I've ever seen, and that's why I have never gave it to anyone with the intention to offend.

But you know what they say? Ignorance is bliss. I'm used to it, trust me." -Midnight Solace

And I made a huge post explaining everything again. Yet, I still get negative comments. After this, Usager stated I was dumb and did not understand. I still do not know what it means. I was not being dumb, Just look at all my reasons trying to explain my opinion. And I did understand. I can see things in other ponies' perspective, so I know how they feel. Sure, it can be used as playful, but in some circumstances, it can be used as a way to be rude, without actually saying the words, just like the Kirins.

"It isn’t changing. Sorry." -@Jeric

I did say I never wanted it changed. I never said it in the post... I just want to have a say on this, without getting so many rude comments on my opinions.

"No one notices my pain, but they all notice my mistakes"

Do any of you guys know how I felt after that? Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside?

I could not sleep for the entire night. I spend most of it reasoning with them, but what more is to gain by reasoning with ignorant ponies? I have just been given a ton a Kirin reactions, even though I said I hated them. What did they not understand after I tried so hard to explain?

This is why I had left the forums in 2013. I had been judged and bullied every single time I try to express myself. It actually takes courage to explain why you're sad instead of just stating it. Any one could claim; "I'm so sad" but it takes confidence to explain why. Just like I explained my reasons on the Kirin reaction.

Now, everypony is certainly going to know me for being emotionally fragile and judge me for it. But you know what? I've been keeping certain things in my head for a long time now, and I think it should be heard. You may think that my opinions are stupid, but sometimes you need to just go out of your own way, to look in someone else's perspective. Then you will truly understand.

"Things Change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anypony"

Go ahead, judge me for being wrong. Complain that I'm not making any sense. Bully me for having my own opinion. But guess what? You know nothing about me. You don't just make stupid assumptions about things you don't know. You don't know how I have lived or what I have been through. But I don't give a shit. Cause deep down, you know I'm right. That's right, go ahead and call me dumb. Say I'm overreacting. Say I think too much. You think I haven't been through this before? You're a joke to judge someone else when you're ignorant, lazy, and have nothing else better to do than break another brony's heart. 

I treated all of you guys as my friends. Being betrayed by your own community is a horrible feeling. And yet, say I'm exaggerating for having my own opinion. I thought the forums was a place where I can find fellow bronies, without getting mean comments thrown at you. This place WAS my haven. I have no place in the real world. I just felt like the forums were my revival when I returned.

I know there's something wrong with me, and that's why I hate myself so much. But even then, I know ponies are not supposed to behave like that. I have done nothing to be rude to them, just tried to justify and explain my opinion. It feels horrible. I don't forget what they say.

Some other guys on the forums are my only best friends in my life. Not having friends for 5 years gets really lonely and you start to lose it a little. I'm glad I came back to the forums. But even if I have my first friends in a long time, I make my first enemies in a long time. I talked to them. They made me feel better. I became too trusting. This, is what happens when you become too trusting. Betrayal.

Some guys still message me about the Kirin thing, and it hurts me to see that they still want to argue. What do they want? To drive me to death? To make me hate Kirins?

I can't take it anymore. I have tried to open up to the bronies after a long period of time, only to be rejected again, embarrassed again, hurt again, broken again. I thought being confident about sharing my feelings would help, But it isn't is it? I have been betrayed, judged and accused of thing I just wanted to share. My view on the forums have completely changed. I don't even know what to think of it anymore.

It takes courage to truly express yourself. But for some reason, every time I gain the confidence to finally do so, I get horrible comments and judgements. I don't even know if I should keep things to myself again, or talk to somepony. Talking for me is incredibly hard, and I don't trust many ponies.

They all know my name, but not my life, not what I have been through. Everypony you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So be kind. Always. I will continue to be on the forums, but these are scars that will remain forever. 

"Those who judge do not understand, and those who understand do not judge"

Ponies are sexy!

I'm really starting to feel that something is seriously wrong with me.

In the morning I was feeling great. I drew stuff and had the motivation to make a Justin Feather Bangs fan club.

But now, I'm posting status updates that make ponies ask me if i'm okay.

The kindness these ponies give is nothing I have experienced before. I somewhat feel better.

I’m so sorry…

After seeing how much you were worried about me, I felt awful. Even though I missed all of you, I never expected anypony to care that I was gone. It… Really makes me feel sad… And emotionally overwhelmed to see how much you cared… All of you are my friends, but I just feel like I don’t deserve any kind of affection. It hurts to see how kind you were to me despite how much of a worthless, sickening, disappointment I am.

This really is all my fault… If I wasn’t so weak and expressed my feelings on here, If I wasn’t so selfish and made that stupid mistake, then you wouldn’t have been worried about me at all. You wouldn’t have to waste your time and caring on me. You probably would have never even thought of me. And things might have been better that way…

I’m sorry… I don’t want to be like this. I shouldn’t burden others with my own problems. I’ve been told so many times how I’m attention-seeking and self-indulgent, how much of a burden I am to everyone I meet… And that’s all I really am… And why I think I should start keeping things to myself again. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, but most importantly, I don’t want to make others hurt because of me… Nopony will have to worry about hearing about my pain ever again. And eventually, hopefully soon, nopony will have to worry about me at all.

I still remember how I really wanted nothing more than to see all of you again, but now, I just feel like I never belonged here… Coming back was already painfully hard as it is, but I never expected to feel so bad… Just writing this brings back so many memories, and it’s all getting increasingly overwhelming. I’m really worried that I’ve lost all my friends since it’s been so long, and I’m scared of what they might think of me now…

I didn’t want to appear vulnerable like this, but I wanted to let those who care at all know that I’m sorry… Even if they don’t anymore. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, because I know I never will. The truth is, I’m not really needed here anymore, I’m just a waste of space… Even my own friends don’t need me…

… I think I need to rest now. All this increased medication is making me feel dizzy and sleepy. And I’m just tired… Tired of everything.

I love you all very much and please don’t hate me for the burden I have been to you. But most importantly, don’t hate yourself. This is not your fault.

Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside?

Off to hit the hay. Good night everypony. Oh, and for my friends in the US, good morning!