I don't want to make this whole thing a big deal but I also want you guys to know a little more about me personally, and I want to tell people.
For a while I've been feeling stuck inside my own brain and just feeling like nobody else understood me. I knew people out there probably did but I had no way of asking because I myself could not even describe what I was feeling. I was confused, maybe even a bit depressed. I still am. I'm not always happy but I'm trying. I feel like there are already so many people in the world judging me, that if they even knew a small part of everything I'm going to say, they would just make everything worse. It especially hurts because it might even be my own brother. He agrees and accepts a lot of things but he's very quick to judge as well and it sucks not feeling like I can tell him a part of this because him and I are so close. I want to tell him, I really do, but I also know I can't. Not yet at least.
I know a lot of you will probably have a hard time understanding everything too. Like I did, like everyone does in the beginning. If I was to tell this to anyone though, it would be all of you. I barely know you guys, but all you have ever been was nice and kind (besides one very minor experience).
First things first, I'm a Demisexual Panromantic. (Well FIRST first of all, I'm a girl. (This information will come in handy to you later). Not even I like saying all that so I also call myself Pansexual. To explain, demisexual is just a word for gaining sexual attraction to a person as your relationship with them grows more. The more you know a person, are with them, the more you'll be sexually attracted to them. In my case at least. This isn't exactly me but right now that's what I'm going with before I find a better term. And that's okay. Panromantic/ pansexual just refers to my attraction to basically everyone. (No it's not all at once and yes a person still has standards). It's attraction to a person of any gender identity unlike being bisexual which is just attraction to the both the male and female genders. (Pansexual Pride Flag Attached+ Demisexual Panromantic Flag)
Most everyone in my life knows I'm Pansexual. A lot don't know about the demisexual thing and that's okay because i'm not entirely sure about it yet either. Most everyone is okay with me being pansexual. Obviously got those homophobic bullies at school but I'll live. Plus my grandmas don't really understand this kind of stuff. When I came out to my mom officially, she said "Oh, I didn't know that". But of course she's really accepting. She just gets confused with all the names and labels of everything. A lot of people do too and don't like it. But some people need those labels, like me. I want to have that secure feeling that I'm not the only one. Because I'm not.
What people don't know yet, except one person very close to me, is that I'm also Bigender. Actually what made me look more into this was that my girlfriend actually told me they were non-binary this morning. That basically means they don't conform to any gender? I myself am still trying to figure out and understand that one. So don't listen to a word I say haha. Before this, I was playing with the notion of being some type of Genderfluid/genderqueer. For those who don't know, it's also non conforming to only one male or female gender, but it isn't "no gender" somewhat like non binary. I cut my hair short. I hated it being long, mostly for the reason of me being young and not knowing how to care for it properly. I loved my short hair, but I started being the target of gay jokes and other things people would say to me. These boys who sat next to me in one of my classes would whisper "Lesbian" at me behind my back and laugh at me. At the end of the year, I was walking through the hallway in my dress for the school dance that night, and this kid comes walking by me repeating over and over, "Are you a boy? Are you a boy?". I just ignored him but this other girl in my class stood up for me. It was angering. Around that time I was really stressing about "looking pretty like a girl". I really just wanted to be pretty. And when that kid said that, my confidence level dropped 100%. I wanted to be out of that dress and in sweatpants and a hoodie right away. All because of that one kid, the rest of my school day was touch and go. I put a jacket on over my dress to try and cover it up. (Let it be known my sister did my makeup like the sugar plum fairy) I wanted that gone too. All I wished for was... To be a guy. To not have to worry about looking like a girl or pretty. I wish I had worn a button up shirt that day. But I decided not to because I wanted to feel pretty. And for once I did, at least for a second. And no I'm not saying guys can't be pretty. I'm saying the girls at my school have a standard. All the guys expect all girls to be that way. When they aren't. Obviously.
The worst part about what that kid said to me was that he was right. Kind of. I felt wrong. Out of place. I felt like a guy in makeup and a dress. I felt like that's what everyone who looked at me that day saw.
I've never really been the girly girl. In elementary school, I hated wearing dresses and hated seeing myself in them. I actually still do. But back then, I wore ties to my choir concerts and the same hoodie Every Single Day. I was slightly disgusting. Didn't have many friends. I was always being self conscious about how I looked and what other people thought of me. After a while, my mom stopped trying to make me wear dresses and stopped buying clothes she knew I would never wear. I wore shorts. All the time. Never blue jeans. And just normal T-Shirts with sayings on them; My favorite being, "Hide the cookie jar, Mom's home". Throughout middle school, my style slowly got a bit more tolerable. I'm actually interested in fashion design, but I know that I'd probably never wear anything I designed. I've also never touched anything make up related until my 14th birthday. I used to hate it. I mean now, I still feel awkward in it sometimes, but if I do it myself not as much. I never do anything to crazy, unless I'm trying out a cosplay. (Different situation, Yes I am a major weeb).
Anyways, back to what this is all about. I'm Bigender. Bigender is, " a gender identity which can be literally translated as 'two genders' or 'double gender'. Bigender people experience exactly two gender identities, either simultaneously or varying between the two. These two gender identities could be male and female, but could also include non-binary identities.". I looked at definition for the first time maybe five hours ago. I said, "That Me." quoting the amazing Daniel Howell. But really. There was nothing that could describe me better. I felt so happy and relieved that I could finally put a word to something that has been bugging me for so long. I want to say thank you to my girlfriend as well because without her, I would have never decided to look up genderqueer at all. I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But on comes a new one because now I need to tell people! I mean to be honest I don't have to. I would like to though. It'd be kind of nice to be called "he" whenever I want or "she"whenever I want. Even "they" would be nice. All I could think about today was "I want to be called a he", and that was the weirdest thing in the entire world. When i found out about Bigender I was so happy! I had to tell someone regardless. Heck as many people as I could. In the most dramatic way possible. BAM! Blog post you're reading right now.
Just a reminder, I feel safe telling all this information on here because I know this is a good environment. I'm not looking to share a bunch of super private information, but I would like to share my feelings on the matter as best as possible with you guys understanding.
When my sister, previously a dude, a came out as Transgender, that period of time not knowing what to call her was aggravating. I literally just her by her name half the time instead of pronouns. Around people who didn't know it was especially worse. I was so confused and angry all the time. I actually felt "self conscious" when I called her a she in the beginning. It was so stupid. I was scared for what other people were going to say to me about using the correct pronouns. What my parents would say. Even what she would say.
Now it's stupid but I don't want to go through another period of time like that. It was too hard. I care about Sam, so deeply. I want whatever will make Sam happy. (I wish you'd give me some answers here).
And I know this is something I could never force out of a person. Everything they tell a person is 100% their choice, but if there's anything to be said that could make this any easier, please say it. If I know right away what a person prefers or doesn't prefer, it just helps people from making all those awkward mistakes and assumptions about a person.
It's already been hard today to stop thinking of Sam as a she. It's been really really hard, Im not going to lie. I don't know what to think of Sam as anymore!
More flags bellow are going to be Bigender, Genderfluid, and Non-Binary.
So I know this has all been a lot. It's been tough for me to write out and explain. Also to relive and live through today. Hopefully you all understand and maybe some of you guys can help me out a bit. I know everything will just take time. Like stuff does. It takes its sweet time.
Well thank you for reading about me and my life today. Maybe you learned thing or two.
I hope there is no need for me saying this: but please no hateful comments. This has been very hard for me to share so please do not make it harder. It took me hours to write this so please be kind.
Have a good night everyone.