FlutteringGuardian

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to do here anymore I'm just done with myself I'm not a good person but i know I'm also not a bad person 
I ruined many good things I had with people I even pushed away the people that actually cared about me I am very good at making foolish decisions and making things worse for myself I'm all the way back at stage one I have been making a fool of myself last few years I ruined my own Childhood and I don't even have bad parents or that many bad people in my life my life is easy and I grew  up with good parents and with good morals and all that stuff and yet I have ruined my own childhood and social life and now that I am seeing things clearly now Idk what to progress further as a adult I wish I wasn't the way I was growing up I wish I was better to people I wish I was more grateful of things I wish I wasn't wasting my entire teen years on the internet Imagine not being able to think real thoughts or to think deeply about something or not being able to find yourself I can't even relate to anybody or any story or character and being social? I don't have social anxiety I am not afraid to talk with people I just have nothing worth to say because there is nothing to say so when people are wondering why i am silent most of the time I will lie and say it's social anxiety I can't believe I wasted my 20 years on this planet my parents must be so disappointed in me...