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Peace Petal

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Everything posted by Peace Petal

  1. Oh, I guess that somewhat makes sense. It's not confirmation, but it's a good headcanon. Sorry, I shouldn't have used such a harsh tone earlier.
  2. What are you even saying? Identical twins can't be different colors (they have the same genes), unless one of them has dyed not only her hair but her entire coat! Read up a bit about twins before answering next time, yeesh! Either way, my actual question is whether or not there's official confirmation, like something from Gameloft, the card game, or even a writer tweet.
  3. Well, they’re not identical twins. And fraternal twins are no more similar than regular siblings. So siblings, definitely. But where did the twins thing come from?
  4. I'll agree with that. I'd also say that the G5 cast has more variety than the G4 cast. Zipp stands in contrast to the rest of the group (and any G4 character) as a character who's introverted and not really friendly but also confident. We have a pair of siblings and a pair of childhood friends in the cast instead of them all becoming friends at the start of the show. And of course their designs are more varied, having different body types, wing shapes, multicolored wings and manes, accessories, etc. G5 has also done better with equality between the tribes. Earth pony magic helps a lot, and G5 doesn't give special privileges or get-out-of-jail free cards to magically gifted unicorns like G4 did. G5 has a better portrayal of alicorns. In contrast to G4 where being good at magic was basically a prerequisite to alicornhood (and therefore to political authority), G5 let a bucking earth pony be both an alicorn and the protagonist. Never would have happened in a million years with the way G4 was going, as Luster Dawn's existence illustrates. Opaline represents the G4 worldview; because she is (was) powerful with magic, she thinks she's entitled to rule and is better than other ponies. G5 has a greater variety of musical styles and genres than FiM did at this point (about 1 season in, more or less). G5 has managed to give Bridlewood Forest a more unique culture and aesthetic than probably any G4 location.
  5. Intro: Replace "pegasi scouts" with "pegasus scouts." Pegasi is the plural. It wouldn't sound right if you said "unicorns scouts," I think. I think grouping into ponies into personality types is going to be a great help towards learning all these characters for those who are new to G1. That was a good idea. 3rd scene, 4th paragraph: Change "sparkly things form every other creature" to "sparkly things from every other creature." 4th scene, 5th paragraph: “Isn't it impossible to wink through solid objects,” Cherries Jubilee offers. That comma should be replaced with a question mark. 4th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace the hyphen (-) with a dash (—). I luv the horse behavior in the scene with Galaxy and Danny. You may already know, I'm a stickler for my little ponies acting like horses, and that was a big theme for G1, so that checks out as accurate. I also love how Galaxy gave Danny a good twinkle from the eyes. Twinkle-eyed ponies are the best ponies. I like the subtle nod to Ribbon's mind-reading abilities with this line: “Petal Swirl, you are a genius!” Paradise declares, prompting a wry smile from Ribbon, amused by the latter’s indirect self-praise. 6th scene, 7th paragraph: I believe the first comma is unnecessary. Change "The, now writhing, teal" to "The now writhing, teal" I noticed that Surprise made a promise similar to the "Pinkie promise" from G4. Nice little connection, there. 6th scene, 15th paragraph: I believe the first comma ("here, sure") is unnecessary. 7th scene, 1st paragraph: Change "continues" to "continue" in the first sentence. 7th scene, 3rd paragraph: I think the comma after "thanks" and the comma after "nuzzle" can both be replaced by periods. That makes three complete sentences, and since you didn't use a dialogue tag (for example, the word "said"), the commas aren't necessary. So the result would be, “Thanks.” The white earth pony gives the latter’s hand a nuzzle. “It’s 7th scene, 11th paragraph: Add a comma after "tail" before "causing." You said that the ethereal being can neither speak nor understand the pony tongue, but it was shaking its head to some of Petal Swirl's guesses, so it seems to understand, right? 8th scene, 1st paragraph: In the last sentence, you said "as if on their owns..." The "s" is not necessary. Replace with "as if on their own..." Also, I've never seen the word "sky-bourn" before. I would have said "sky-borne." But maybe that's a British thing. 8th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace "North Stars" with "North Star's." 8th scene, 12th paragraph: Replace the comma after "pout" with a period. I love the twinkle-eyed eye-roll. 8th scene, 21st paragraph: Replace the comma after "heads" (before Medley) with a period. Heh, I was just thinking that Lofty was the one pony who could catch her. Great (G1 fan) minds think alike. 9th scene, 8th paragraph: Replace "weave" with "weaves" in the first sentence. 9th scene, 9th paragraph: Replace the comma after "finished" with a period. It's already a complete sentence. Alternatively, you could say "Now that the net is finished," to make it connect to the next sentence if you want to keep the comma. 9th scene, 11th paragraph: Remove the word "the" before "Paradise." It should read: "the designs of the Paradise’s two protagonists" 9th scene, 13th paragraph: Replace the hyphen with a dash. 9th scene, 18th paragraph: Add a comma after "there." 9th scene, 21st paragraph: Add a comma after "audience." Also add a comma after "subside." 9th scene, 31st paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. Was it previously established that the King has a black coat? That would make the reveal more dramatic, I think. Nice little detail that could be added in editing if it was not there previously. 10th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace "cries" with "cry." Subject-verb agreement. 10th scene, 3rd paragraph: Add a comma after "telekinesis." 10th scene, 4th paragraph: Why did you put Buttons' name in quotes? It makes it seem like a nickname. 10th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Gusty" before "whose." 10th scene, 14th paragraph: Replace "groan" with "groans." 10th scene, 21st paragraph: You don't need a hyphen in "stale-mate." "Stalemate" will do just fine. 10th scene, 26th paragraph: Replace "B-but-" with "B-but—" (hyphen) 11th scene, last paragraph: You don't need to capitalize "Sapphires." 12th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "me" to a period. 12th scene, 5th paragraph: Replace "minds eyes" with "minds' eyes." 12th scene, 16th paragraph: You said, "Masquerade remains unbowed..." But, wasn't she bowed? Shouldn't it be "remains bowed"? Also, you referred to Danny as "her" in the last sentence: "jets of steamy bubbles form from behind Danny’s head and cascade about her" 12th scene, 19th paragraph: Replace "friends'" with "friend's". This is the singular possessive. 12th scene, 30th paragraph: Replace "master-crafstpony" with "master-craftspony." 13th scene, 2nd paragraph: Change the comma after "how" to a question mark. Add a comma after 'Mousefur'. 13th scene, 3rd paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. 13th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the hyphen after "go" to a dash. 13th scene, 9th paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. 13th scene, 12th paragraph: You misspelled Firefly (you wrote "Firely"). 14th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace the hyphens after "hooves" and before "Mousefur" with dashes. 14th scene, 5th paragraph: You end the paragraph with a quotation mark that is not necessary. Remove it. 14th scene, 8th paragraph: Remove the commas after each and shallow. They are unnecessary. 14th scene, last paragraph: Replace "hind-les" with "hind-legs." 15th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "says" before "fidgeting." 15th scene, 13th paragraph: Add a comma after "however." 16th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "group" to a period. "The sentiment draws solemn nods of approval from Megan and Galaxy." Strange that you didn't mention Wind Whistler. The whole character is based off Wind Whistler, after all. 16th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Firefly." Also, in this paragraph, you said "Windwhistler." In the merch and comics, it is always written as two separate words. "Wind Whistler." Wait, where did we get armor and a lance from? 16th scene, 19th paragraph: You said here that Whizzer makes the roaring sounds. Is this a mistake? In previous scenes it was Surprise. 16th scene, 26th paragraph: Add a comma after "other." 16th scene, 27th paragraph: Change the comma after "voice" to a period. 16th scene, 29th paragraph: Replace "Wind-whistler" with "Wind Whistler 16th scene, 31st paragraph: Replace the hyphens with dashes. 16th scene, 33rd paragraph: Once again you referred to Whizzer as the roar of the dragon. Which one is it? Her or Surprise? Also, unless this is a British thing, it should be "skillful," not "skilful." 16th scene, 45th paragraph: Add a comma after "one" before "Moon." 16th scene, 46th paragraph: Add a comma after "Thanks." 16th scene, last paragraph: Delete the "#" in "M#ousefur." 17th scene, 1st paragraph: Add a comma after "wolf-pack." 18th scene, 4th paragraph: Add a comma after "tight." 18th scene, 6th paragraph: This sentence seems incomplete. Maybe you meant to say "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" rather than "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" Okay, there we go. This was a very long section, so I think the grammatical errors are pretty sparse, relatively speaking. To be honest, I did my best, but I am certain that I missed many little details. As you may have noticed, a lot of my changes were very nitpicky and detail-oriented, and it's extremely hard to stay focused at that level of detail for such a long chapter. Especially when my method of marking changes is very inefficient. This would have been easier if I could track changes in a word processor. That being said, I don't think the grammar errors are all that important. Overall you're doing very well. I've seen much worse grammar from published stories on fimfiction, and I don't think any of your errors are distracting from the story at all. The overall patterns are problems with commas, dialogue tags, and hyphens vs dashes. As a reminder, the hyphen (-) is only really meant to be used for compound words (sock-soft hooves, for example). The dash (—) should be used for just about all other purposes, including when a character is interrupted mid-sentence, which seemed to be a common occurrence in this chapter. But really I'd much rather talk about the overall story. It's superb! Masquerade and Paradise did a wonderful job putting this all together! I don't know much about theater, but I want to say they did just about everything right--audience interaction, comedic pauses (I loved Surprise riding the Danny-pony), clever use of the unicorns' spells to make special effects. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. I love the cozy G1 vibes. It's lovely to see them have fun without getting attack by a monster, for once. The characters are so cute, and for the most part you've done a great job of getting their personalities across. And, of course, I love the little bits of horse behavior and terminology thrown in there. This whole story just makes my G1-fan heart glow! I also noticed the clever reference to toy-only Bright Eyes. So I pretty much loved it. Yep, that sums it up. I wish I could have been more thorough with nitpicking grammar, but it was a very time-consuming process as is. And you can see that I got rather sucked into the story, as there are long stretches where I didn't comment anything about grammar.
  6. You were right about... everything. I seriously agree with almost every single pick you made.
  7. Yeah, I wrote the bit about plants and weeds before I got on to Posey letting the buttercups and nettles stick around. This is a suitably neutral ending for me.
  8. I'm so glad you decided to add Paradise to this chapter! Her role is great, and she added a lot to the chapter. Oh, yeah, I forgot that both Minty and Night Light are G1 toys.
  9. ¶2: Add a comma between husky and soft-spoken. ¶8: The Brighthouse, eh? Sneaking in a G5 reference as a story? ¶12: I love the scathing sarcasm from gentle Ribbon! Great characterization. Add a comma between big and strong. "big, strong warriors" ¶13: Replace the comma after secret with a period. ¶17: Add a comma between furry and white. Also, I think you can replace the colon with a comma. Lastly, add a comma after it (you can do it, and). ¶19: Add a comma between eager and furry. ¶28: "She is at pains to point out that certain of these characters, not all of whom are named directly, or consistently, are ponies." Is there an error here? Did you mean to say "are not ponies"? Because in the next sentence you go on to describe how some of them are not ponies. ¶34: Who is this pony? You've named all the others. ¶37: Pfft, that was a Pinkie Pie reference, wasn't it? ¶50: Twilight Sparkle? She was just referred to as Twilight in G1. This is confusing. ¶52: Add a comma after Posey. Add a hyphen between post and dusk ("post-dusk"). ¶61: Is there a reason for the hyphen between gentle and ponies? I don't think it's necessary. ¶66: I do not remember a G1 pony named Night Light. Is this just a pony you added? ¶67: "'Thank you, petal.' Posey smiles at her friend." I'm confused right now. I thought Night Light was the one who lit up the trees? So who is petal? ¶68: It may be helpful for you to know that leylandii is a sterile hybrid bred specifically by humans for ornamental purposes, and it does not exist in nature. If you want a tree that is more likely to be found in an actual forest instead of just a landscaped garden, you could just say "cypress," which is the group which contains leylandii. Now, personally, I writhe a little at the characterization of certain plants as good or evil. All plants have their place and only become a problem when they step out of their place and become invasive. However, Posey is not a plant ecologist, like myself; she is a gardener. That means her perspective on plants is not defined by their ecological value but rather their behaviors in cultivation. I've had many a disagreement with people from a gardening background over which plants are desirable or undesirable in a given location. So this seems like a realistic attitude for Posey to have, even if I think it's wrong. And I'll shut up with my plant nerdery now. This isn't actually helpful, is it? ¶76: Add a comma between low and monster-like. I find it a little odd how you keep breaking the paragraphs when it's just Posey talking. It makes me feel like somepony else has gone and interrupted her, but then it's just Posey again. ¶85: Add a comma after log-seat. ¶90: Change the comma after thinks hard to a period. ¶95-98: I love this bit of characterization for Wind Whistler. She means well, but she sometimes fails to "read the room." ¶99: Add a comma between gentle and garden-based. ¶100: I believe the correct possessive would be "pegasus's," rather than "pegasus'." ¶100: "pouts a little at the enthusiasm for the pair" Wait, I thought the enthusiasm was for Paradise. She's not a pair. She's just one pony. ¶105: Add a comma between angry and accented. OOoOoOh, I love the link to Mozart music. Actually, this whole scene, with Paradise and Masquerade doing an interactive performance, is just brilliant. They really planned this out. ¶108: "is outlaw" doesn't quite make sense. I would say "is outlawed" or "is an outlaw." ¶114: Replace "goes on to describes" with "goes on to describe." ¶116: Oh, you made Wind Whistler smile! Now you have truly achieved greatness, Masquerade. ¶117: Add a comma after slippers and after hoof ("slippers, one on each hoof, and"). Hang on, at first "my" character is named Petal Swirl. And then later their name is Petals. Is the "s" deliberate? Like if you're not saying their full name, then the nickname includes an "s." Or was this just an error? Oh, the pink one was Heartthrob. It was odd how long you went without mentioning her name, though. ¶142: Add a comma after deduction. ¶155: I'm surprised they're even considering going to the Saddle Arabian ponies, considering that anypony who visited Vista was also subject to banishment. ¶156: "Ribbon is petting Posey and Magic Star who have buried their faces in their fetlocks." I'm not so sure about this characterization for Magic Star. She is a gentler pony, to be sure, but she is also a strong leader with an even head, as depicted in the 1986 movie. I know it's not really my job to coach you on characterization of ponies who only showed up for a few minutes of screen time, but this is my image of Magic Star. ¶157: Add a comma between glorious and glittering. Also replace "dragons'" with "dragon's" (move apostrophe to before the "s"). ¶158: Add a comma between monstrous and red. ¶164: "Paradise explains that as Mousefur and Vista peer closer" I believe you meant to say Petals there, not Vista. ¶172: I believe the word you are looking for is "affect," not "effect." WHOA Minty is here now. All bets are off. ¶181: Replace the period after feather-brains with a comma. ¶192: Replace the comma after voice with a period. It strikes me as odd that they would credit the cast during an interlude. That's not normally how interludes work. They're acting like the show is over. Could this be a vestige of an older draft, perhaps? Overall, this was a good chapter. Masquerade and Paradise's performance was quite impressive. I'm sure some of the more impatient, G4-only bronies would be wondering about now when the story of this fanfic is really going to pick up--we're three hours in and all we've done is camped. Although I'm certainly enjoying myself. After seeing Minty appear, it would seem to me that you're pretty liberally including elements from other generations (whereas previously I thought you were only using them as stories like the "Brighthouse" and other references). So now I'm guessing that Night Light was Twilight's father from G4. There were still grammar mistakes to clear. The chapter was so long and so engaging that I got quite absorbed in the story and I'll admit that I wasn't proofreading as closely as possible, so there's probably some mistakes that I missed. It seems the main trouble right now is commas. A list of adjectives should be separated by commas (for example, "Princess Pipp Petals is a pretty, pinky, pudgy, pegasus pony." If you have two complete ideas separated by an "and," "or," or "but," there should be a comma separating them. Those are the most common problems. There were also occasionally problems with the punctuation on dialogue tags. Anyway, overall it was quite enjoyable. The grammar mistakes weren't bad enough or common enough to prevent me from enjoying the story. In fact, quite the opposite. The story was so enjoyable that it distracted me from paying close attention to the grammar.
  10. I love how this post is like 10% story and 90% feedback now. As for that section, I'm not sure what to say. It seems like the tenses are pretty consistent now. But it's still strange that the narrative style switches for just one section.
  11. I also noticed that you included a few other G4 concepts. You referred to "Equestria" (a G4 term; the G1 world is generally referred to as Ponyland, while the specific place the ponies are from is Dream Valley) and you used the word "everypony" (that didn't become a thing until G4). I assumed you had done this on purpose. If it was an accident, now you are aware! I guess there's a good reason to go either way. Do what your heart desires, then. Yeah, I noticed this, and I love it. For me, the more horse-like the ponies are, the better! Either that or I just don't use ropes enough. Happy to help. G1 is fun!
  12. Add a comma between dead and dried. Add a comma between bubbly and gem-eyed Add a comma between pink and star-marked Hmm... burly isn't the word I would have used for Paradise, personally. I always thought of her of more of a lore-master, storyteller, bookworm even. Heh... I get that reference. This needs some commas: "misty-eyed, diminutive, light blue, white-maned" Agh, wait! Telekinesis is Buttons's thing. If every unicorn can do telekinesis, what can Buttons do? This comma should be a period. This comma should be a period. I don't think this hyphen is necessary. This comma should be a period. This doesn't make sense to me. Does "guy" have some British meaning I'm not aware of? Whoa, you wrote a section in past tense. I see why you did it; you jumped back in time to just before the fire in the tent started. But it was kind of jarring considering the story has been in present tense so far. Put a comma after burly and after orange: "the burly, orange, cherry-marked pony" Oh, I like this little detail. Horse hearing is sharper than human hearing. This pronoun is unclear. It could be Megan or Wind Whistler. I believe this hyphen in unnecessary. Add a comma between sooty-hooved and pink. Add a comma after replies, and replace the comma after up with a period. Put a comma after gather. I see you've established Firefly as being the fastest of the ponies. Now I'm curious where Whizzer is and which of the two you consider to be faster. Unfortunately we'll never know for sure because they never met. She called for Gusty, Paradise, Masquerade, and Cheeries Jubilee. There should be four, right? I'm not sure I like this. You could just as easily describe what's happening without referencing this "one would see" thing you use in this section. It seems like wasted words to me. It looks like you accidentally put two spaces between unicorns and efficiently. Oh, yeah, I guess this must mean something. I'm not sure what. Add a comma between pink and star-marked. You capitalized this here, but not earlier. Pick one. Also, I love how everyone treats Wind Whistler as Mom. I believe you need a comma after we. This period should be a comma. Ah, I noticed that you put a comment at the end about the narrative style of the second to last section. You said you found it awkward to write. I also found it awkward to read. It was a rather strange shift in narrative style from the rest of the story. I'd also say the same about the section you write entirely in past tense. I noticed that you often introduced new sections in past tense to establish that we had gone back in time a little bit, but I don't know why you wrote the entire section in past tense in this case. I didn't read through flutterJackdash's comments, so I don't know if we commented on all the same stuff. Or if we gave contradictory grammar pointers. That would be awkward... This section was, overall, better than the first! You slowed down the pacing a little more to include more dialogue, which was helpful towards getting these characters more clearly established. That'd be especially helpful for readers who don't know the G1 characters already. You also improved a lot in terms of grammar. There are still mistakes, but far less frequent ones. The most common mistake is commas. You need a comma between adjectives if there are two or more in a row. You also need a comma splitting two complete sentences joined by an "and," "but," or "or." This was a fun read. I look forward to the next one.
  13. Oh, well I just learned a new word. Yeah, my word processor always tries to "correct" me as well. Kind of annoying. Oh, that works. That's a good idea! Well, I'm glad I could be of assistance. I didn't realize you already have over 40k words drafted! I look forward to following this story. I'm not very active on MLP forums, but I do somewhat regularly visit fimfiction, so I will be following this story.
  14. Oh, wow. flutterJackdash's extensive commentary made me feel like I could do a more thorough edit of this thing. Let's see... I noticed you wrote the story in present tense. That's a little unconventional, but it works just fine if that's what you're most comfortable with (and if you maintain consistency). I love the way you start this story, with imagery beckoning the very first scene of "Rescue at Midnight Castle." Lovely! ¶3: Capitalize the word "she" at the beginning of the last sentence. ¶4: Capitalize the word "the" at the beginning of the second sentence. ¶6: At the end of the first sentence, replace the period with a comma. That's how dialogue tags work. Also, replace the word "thanks" with "thank." You have two pegasi here, so the verb should be conjugated for the plural. ¶9: After the word "concluded" you should have a comma, not a period. ¶11: Replace "a blur" with "blurs." There are multiple ponies, after all, and later you conjugate "gallop and leap" in the plural. ¶13: "In response ,the..." You have put the space on the wrong side of the comma. Also, you said Fizzy "wickers." Wicker is a type of furniture. I think you've accidentally rolled together the words "nicker" and "whinny," both of which are horse vocalizations. You also say "galloping her hooves" as she's rearing up. Galloping is technically a stride, the horse equivalent to sprinting, so I don't think it applies here since she is rearing up and not running. Also, you describe Fizzy's eyes as red. They always appeared more of a pink to me, but I am color blind, so what do I know? You also describe her mane as three-tone; there are definitely four colors in there: light pink, dark pink, green, and white. ¶14: This second sentence is definitely a run-on. I'd recommend rewriting it to make several sentences. Certainly by the time you get to Sundance's introduction, that definitely needs to be a period after "tree-branch" rather than a comma. In the last sentence, that semicolon after "Surprise" before "pink petals" should be a comma. ¶15: You have left out the commas that should separate a list of adjectives. For example, "ginger-haired, ruddy-skinned", (I also added a necessary hyphen there) "burly, light orange", and "white, orange-maned" (another missing hyphen). I just noticed that in some cases you capitalize Pegasus or Pegasi and in other cases you leave it lowercase (pegasus or pegasi). You should definitely stick to one or the other. As for which, I prefer leaving pegasus uncapitalized because it is a biological division. It'd be like capitalizing Human--that's just weird. But I've seen some fanfic writers leave it capitalized, so that's up to you. But you should definitely pick one and stick with it. ¶16: That colon after "trio" should definitely just be a period. ¶19: The way Galaxy directs Danny instead of helping herself makes it seem a bit like Galaxy is trying to avoid work. You don't have to change this; it's not a grammar error. It's just that I take slight issue about what it implies about Galaxy's character. Also, the dash in Galaxy's dialogue is unnecessary. I would replace it with a comma. ¶21: This is a run-on sentence. Replace the comma after "exertion" with a period. Also, the way you've described Galaxy's movement is unclear. I assume from the flash of the horn that she briefly winked out, but since you use the word "skipped" it also kind of sounds like she simply jumped with her legs. If she did wink out, I'd add a brief visual description of the magic. "She disappeared in a flash of sparkles" or something like that. Also, it's not a "tent-poll." It's a "tent pole." No hyphen needed. ¶23: I believe "golden-yellow" should have a hyphen. This applies to the other times you used that color, as well. However, at the end of the second sentence, "tent-frame" does not need that hyphen (replace with "tent frame"). Also, I don't think you need to say "olive-emerald green." "Olive-emerald" will be just fine, since that's clearly green already. It's just redundant the way you worded it. In that same sentence, replace "surveys" with "survey." She has two eyes, so it should be conjugated to the plural. Later in that sentence when you're describing her mane, you don't need the hyphen in "light-blue" (replace with "light blue"). ¶24: Replace the period after "Masquerade" with a comma. ¶26: Add a hyphen to "pink-clothed." ¶27: After the word "flank" in the second sentence, you should add a comma. Also, I love how you've used Ribbon's magical abilities in this scene to get the attention of the other mares when her voice is too quiet, but I'm not sure if someone who is unfamiliar with G1 would understand what's happened. Her horn lit up and somehow that got the attention of Magic Star, but it's not really clear that there was telepathy going on. Also in this second sentence, you've used a hyphen (short line) where you should have used a dash (long line). Now I'm afraid there may be other such errors in the rest of the story, but I don't really have time to check through all of it. So here's the rule: hyphens are used to connect two related words, like golden-yellow. Dashes control sentence structure, acting as a break between phrases. It seems like you've mostly used dashes correctly, but in this instance your hand probably slipped and you made the line too short. Also, I see that you generally put a space before and after your dashes. That's not actually necessary. The longer line should make it plenty clear that there is a break in the sentence. ¶28: You don't need to capitalize the word "Scout" near the end of the last sentence (replace with "scout"). ¶29: "The blue-ribboned unicorn..." Her ribbon is white. I'd reword this: "The ribboned, blue unicorn..." Although, it is a little tricky to call the ribboned unicorn, because technically they all have ribbons. ¶30: Towards the end of this paragraph, when Ribbon says, "Are you ok Magic Star?" you do not need the comma after her dialogue. Delete that. This sentence is running on. After "nods," replace the comma with a period. I noticed that you started several new scenes with the same phrase, "Later that day..." I'd change a couple of them to avoid being repetitive. I'm surprised that Firefly is still wet considering she first got wet in the early morning and now the sun is setting. Perhaps they live in a humid climate, but it is summer, so the day was probably pretty warm. ¶39: You say "the pegasi scout..." Wind Whistler is only one pegasus, singular. Replace with "the pegasus scout..." ¶40: Replace the period after "course" with a comma. ¶41: Replace the period after "chill" with a comma. Add a hyphen to "gem-eyed." ¶43: Add a hyphen to "white-furred." ¶44: The pronoun is unclear. Who is speaking here, Wind Whistler or Megan? ¶45: Replace the comma after "heckles" with a period, and then break paragraphs. You can't have dialogue from multiple characters in the same paragraph. Change "adds" to "add" because there are two of them. ¶46: After "me," replace the comma with a period (and capitalize the "she" after that). Also replace the comma after "shyly" with a period. Otherwise this is a run-on sentence. Also, I wouldn't really expect the word "shyly" to describe Fizzy. She always struck me as one of the more outgoing ponies. ¶48: Replace the period after "out" with a comma. ¶51: Replace the comma after "feet" with a period. ¶52: The colon is simply not necessary. Replace it with a period. ¶53: Add a hyphen to "high-spirited." Well, I have some overall thoughts. Obviously I did a lot of grammar nitpicking. There are probably some things I missed. There seem to be a few general trends: There are several run-on sentences, necessitating punctuation adjustments. There are also some problematic uses of punctuation around dialogue. Dialogue has very particular rules for how punctuation works, so I'd suggest reviewing that. There are also a lot of misused hyphens or missing hyphens, so that's another rule set I'd suggest reviewing. However, don't be discouraged by all of this! It was interesting enough that I took the time to slow down and nitpick the grammar. And grammar in fan fiction does not by any means need to be perfect. If you were trying to publish this as a hardbound book at Barnes and Nobles that would be a different matter. I will admit, however, that the punctation errors were numerous enough that the first time I kind of skimmed the story so my eyes could avoid the mistakes. Fixing the errors will help the readers slow down and enjoy the story more. There are some things you did very, very right, however! I am amazed that you managed to be 100% totally consistent about present tense. I didn't see a single tense error! You are also extremely good at describing things. There are a lot of beautiful images and sounds in the story, and it never gets too laborious to where it's boring. You used a healthy, wide range of vocabulary. As for the story as a whole, I liked it. The G1 ponies were always getting terrorized by some villain or another, so it's nice to see these characters just relaxing for at least one chapter. I will echo the concerns of flutterJackdash and say that there are a lot of characters to keep track of. I had an easy time of it because I know them already (in fact I usually figured out who you were describing just off the colors even before you gave their names). But I fear any G4 fans who are unfamiliar with G1 will quickly become lost. One way to solve this would simply be to reduce the total number of ponies who show up in the story. When I write G1 fanfic I try to focus in on just a few ponies because there are so many of them. And a lot of G1 episodes do the same, in fact. There are usually maybe three or four ponies who get a more prominent role in a single arc. But you don't have to change it if you don't want to. Although their appearances are brief, I do think the personalities of these characters came through decently well. Overall I'd say grammar is a weakness in this story, while descriptions are an obvious strength. There are a lot of characters to keep track of, so that can be daunting, but I really appreciate the more relaxed feel of this chapter. It might be a little intimidating to a non-G1 fan since you introduce so many characters (and you seem to mention unicorn magic rather casually as though the audience already knows how it works, see my notes for paragraphs 21 and 27). I can't comment on this from the perspective of somepony who doesn't know G1, but that will be the majority of your readers on fimfiction. It's just something to be aware of and possibly edit. Although I wouldn't want to try to gut this whole story to make it more brony-friendly; it's really good as it is!
  15. I don't come here very often. I saw your post on Reddit, so that's how I ended up here. flutterJackdash's more extensive commentary prompted me to read this a little more thoroughly. I'm currently working on a massive set of suggestions and edits. Give me another hour or so.
  16. I noticed you gave Wind Whistler brown eyes. In the series she has pink eyes. Was this an error, or was it deliberate? Weren't there four? Firefly, Medley, North Star, and Wind Whistler, right? I think you mean "pole," not "poll."
  17. If you watched FiM in order starting with Season 1, how long did it take you to realize you were watching real art instead of infantile garbage? For some the turning point was “Bridle Gossip.” I have a friend who wasn’t convinced until “Luna Eclipsed.” For me, I had my suspicions that this show was actually good after “Friendship is Magic, Part 1.” Specifically, after the first ninety seconds. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic starts with a lore-establishing prologue. This is a common trope in epic fantasy, which reminded me of some of my favorite works, such as The Lord of the Rings, RWBY, and The Stormlight Archive. I was surprised to see this in the franchise my sisters adored when they were two years old. The story told in this prologue, which takes about ninety seconds, adds the first layer in a rich tapestry of lore, history, and worldbuilding that continued to increase throughout the show’s entire run. Real, genuine worldbuilding is hard to find even in adult-oriented fantasy, so it was already off to a good start. The story told here reflects the mythologies of dozens of different cultures. The rivalry of day and night, sun and moon, has existed for about as long as humans have worshipped gods. I’m a night person myself, so I felt for this Nightmare Moon character instantly. As soon as the prologue was over and we met the protagonist, I immediately noticed that her name was “Twilight” and her color scheme was reminiscent of the night sky. I wondered if she could be an intermediary between night and day (spoilers: she was), and I hoped that the writers would make the conflict more complicated that LIGHT GOOD DARK BAD (spoilers: they did). Despite this speculation, I was caught off guard when they redeemed Luna at the end of the second episode. But Luna’s redemption is a deep rabbit hole that deserves to be its own, separate discussion. Returning to the prologue of episode 1, it does more than build lore and draw upon mythology. The basic story it tells is powerful and heart-wrenching. A glorious pony outshone her younger sister. The younger became jealous and fought against her. The elder had to banish her away. Who’s really at fault? The first inclination is to blame the younger, but as we learned later, the elder was torn up by her decision to banish her sister. She missed her sister immensely and blamed herself for what happened. Once upon a time, these sisters loved each other. As we saw in comic books like “Legends of Magic” and fan animations like “The Fall of the Crystal Empire” and “The Moon Rises,” there was good and bad inside Luna, which makes it all the more tragic that the bad won out. This story hurts so bad that it’s made me cry multiple times (thanks, “Lullaby for a Princess”). Of course, I didn’t know all this when I watched episode 1, but all this expansion was only possible because the original story presented in the prologue was so powerful. I still had some reservations after the first ninety seconds. The show’s childlike attitude and style weren’t easy to get used to. But I kept watching because right off the bat the show demonstrated immense promise and potential. I’m hyped for G5, but living up to G4 is a tall order. It established itself as a cut above average in ninety seconds. What about y’all? Did a friend show you episodes out of order? Or did you start from the beginning? If so, when were you hooked?
  18. First of all, I’m just so happy there is news. Any news, good or bad, is better than no news. I was really getting a little worried that the movie would be postponed. The September 2021 release date was given way back before COVID-19 hit, and then there was nothing. I was afraid that they had fallen behind, and they were going to postpone the movie. So to get news at all is proof they are still working on it. Kidscreen article Before I get on to the Hasbro Investor Event, let’s roll the clock back to the Kidscreen article. This article told us two things. The first was that G5 would take place in the same world as G4. This was great news to me. The Kidscreen article makes it clear they did this for the right reasons. It talked a lot about the expansive worldbuilding and lore of FiM, and it even talked about visiting “unexplored corners of Equestria.” Worldbuilding is kind of my thing, so I’d definitely say they made the right call for the right reasons. The other news from this article made a lot of bronies nervous, from what I can gather. “The introduction of new characters and a departure from designs featured in Friendship is Magic and Pony Life is intended to shift the brand’s focus to more modern themes like diversity and inclusion… The movie’s main character, for example, is an activist working to make the pony world a better place.” Those buzzwords, “diversity,” “inclusion,” and “activist,” made me worried. Too many times, I’ve seen a political agenda get in the way of good storytelling. Look at what’s happened to Star Wars and Doctor Who, for example. Especially since they gave us so little about the story in this article, I was afraid that the story would be sidelined to get the political message across. Looking at the synopsis we got on 25 Feb, I am now less worried. Like with setting G5 in the same world as G4, I’m now thinking that they decided to emphasize diversity and inclusion for the right reason: story. A political message can add to a story rather than hamper it, if done right. I’ll talk more about why I think they’re going in the right direction when I get to the synopsis. Netflix But before that, we got news that the movie’s theatrical release was canceled, and instead it was heading straight to Netflix. I was very sad when I heard this. I didn’t become a brony until 2020, so I missed the 2017 movie in theaters. I was really looking forward to the experience of seeing ponies on the big screen. I was going to show up in that theater full of little girls and their parents, decked out in merch, proud to be there. I was going to cheer as the My Little Pony logo appeared on the screen accompanied by epic, cinematic music. I was so ready. But whatever. I have Netflix, unlike some bronies, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. I might complain, however, about the release date being ambiguous now. They’re still saying “fall 2021,” but I can’t help but fear that it’ll be like November instead of September. I also want to point out that it’s interesting that they’re opening with a movie. I hope the movie will have the power to attract new fans. Movie releases usually have more viewers than series episodes, and especially with the 3D animation I think this movie could tap into the same market that’s made Disney so rich. So I’m excited to see MLP spike in popularity. But let’s get real: historically, MLP does not do as well with movie-length stories as episode-length stories. The Equestria Girls movies, the 2017 movie, even the 1986 movie, were just not all that great. The 2017 movie had its pluses, but it wasn’t up to the same level of writing as Friendship is Magic. So I guess what I’m saying is even if the 2021 movie isn’t all that good, I won’t throw out G5 because I wouldn’t be surprised if the show is better than the movie. Bedsheet The next point on the timeline of MLP G5 was the bedsheet. The bedsheet that broke the internet. You know anticipation is HIGH when leaked merch that disappears after a day inspires hundreds of fan art pieces. I am so happy to see the brony community coming back together in anticipation for G5. Like the 2017 movie, I missed MLP:FiM’s explosion across the internet in 2010-2014. I wish I had been there, but if things keep up like this, maybe 2021 is the start of the Pony Restoration. The bedsheet character designs are in 2D, in contrast to the 3D character designs in the movie itself. Just in general, I personally prefer a 2D art style to a 3D art style, but these characters look good in both. The first thing I notice about the designs is the fetlocks around the hooves. I prefer visible hooves to the featureless legs of G4. I think the heads might be a little smaller and less round. Certainly the eyes are smaller and farther apart, and the nose is bigger, or at least wider. The G4 designs were a little too chibi for me. Certainly the character designs and the facial expressions were iconic, but I like the less cartoonish proportions of these new ponies. I’m worried that the faces look a little too human. I think it’s the eyebrows and the overall flatness of the faces. But I’m willing to accept the tradeoff. They wouldn’t have looked good in 3D if they were too similar to real horses. Overall, I think this new design is a good compromise between the cartoonish design of G4 and the more realistic look of G1 and G3. Actually, in my opinion they look a little like the G2 toys. But I like it. I like the individual character designs as well. Their colors are good; cool, muted tone, not too brash. Izzy’s mane is fantastically luscious, and her horn looks surprisingly large and sharp. Pipp’s wings are certainly interesting. Are all the pegasi like that, or is there something special about her? The bedsheet was certainly interesting, but I wasn’t sure if it was for real until the first screenshot came out on 24 Feb. First screenshot Speaking of the screenshot, WOW. Just WOW. I know I wasn’t the only brony blown away by this. Sunny in this screenshot is detailed, cute, and charming. This is high-level animation, and, as we found out later, it also looks really good moving. My only reservation is that it looks a little too much like Disney. Disney didn’t invent animation, but the synopsis also has a few Disney-esque details, so I have some reason to be nervous. I don’t want MLP to copy Disney. I don’t even like Disney! Looking at the screenshot more closely, there are some fun tidbits to find here. We’ve got the Mane 6 toys, the cutie mark pins, the Rainbow Dash banner, and the Celestia banner. So… she’s a pegasister. I like her already. I’m also happy to have an earth pony protagonist in G5. Unicorns were always overrepresented in G4, and earth ponies were sadly sidelined despite Ponyville being founded by them. The lamp and the piano caught my eyes. These are… hoof-friendly technology! It was always so cute in FiM when an earth pony had to pick something up with their teeth. But it was never consistent, and it always ticked me when they used hooves like hands in ways that are clearly impossible. This hoof-friendly technology tells me the animators are going to be more consistent about what hooves can and can’t do, and they’ve thought about worldbuilding. Speaking of worldbuilding, I see a digital alarm clock. This whole bedroom is very modern-looking, which is not really a surprise. I’m willing to accept more advanced technology in Equestria, but I hope tablets, apps, and viral videos don’t take a frontline role like they did in Pony Life. Either way, it got me thinking about how far in Equestria’s future G5 will be set… Synopsis The synopsis gives some clues about this. I’m a writer, so I’ll spend more time looking at this than anything else. “The pony world of Equestria has lost its magic. (GASP!) Friendship and Harmony have been replaced by paranoia and mistrust, and Ponies now live separated by species.” Whoa, hold up! There’s a lot to talk about already. For things to have gone so wrong, I can only believe that Twilight Sparkle is no longer ruling Equestria. I’m not sure if she really is meant to live way longer like Celestia and Luna. I think we’re at least eighty years or so after FiM, beyond the natural lifespan of the Mane 6. Maybe longer if Twilight outlives them. Personally, I suspect we’ve gone several centuries in the future. As for the loss of magic, I think that line just refers to the loss of the magic of friendship. I imagine there are still magical creatures, unicorn magic, flying pegasi, etc. I also think the characters have their cutie marks, but only on one side. In the gif they released, you can see Sunny’s cutie mark as she walks towards the center of the screen before shoving Hitch. But if magic is still functioning, what happened to the Windigos? Why hasn’t Equestria frozen over? Well… we haven’t seen outdoors. Maybe the world is frozen over. But I think it’s more likely that Twilight destroyed or banished them before she died. Maybe she even died doing it. “Sunny – a feisty and idealistic young earth pony – is convinced there’s still hope for this divided world… but her slightly misguided and often hilarious efforts to change hearts and minds have led to her being branded a misfit.” So, this is part of what makes me think that diversity and inclusion are going to add to the story rather than subtract from it. I was afraid our “activist main character” would get preachy, but instead she’s “slightly misguided and often hilarious.” So, the activist has to learn and grow like everypony else. That’s good! She—and the writers and their political agendas—won’t be obnoxious and take the moral high ground like the Thirteenth Doctor, for example. Separating the species also makes me feel better about this. I wouldn’t want an activist complaining about nothing, but we have a real problem in this world. There’s a lot of opportunity for lore and history here. Admittedly, it’s a little sad that the Mane 6’s efforts didn’t make a difference in the long run, but I suppose that’s real life. Racism never goes away. “When Sunny befriends a lost Unicorn named Izzy, who wanders innocently into the earth pony town of Maretime Bay, the town has had enough.” So, wait, do the Earth Ponies form a mob and chase them out of town? Dude… that’s dark. Obviously G5 is still pastel-colored ponies. The animation is cute and bright, and the rest of the synopsis sounds a lot more lighthearted. But I’m thinking by MLP standards, G5 is essentially the dark reboot. They’re going to make us deal with some heavy emotional, social, and societal stuff. “Izzy and Sunny must embark on an epic adventure that will include a daring jewel heist, outrageous conspiracy theories, elaborate musical numbers, and the world’s cutest flying Pomeranian.” MUSICAL NUMBERS!! No incarnation of MLP is complete without musical numbers. This is good news. But “the world’s cutest flying Pomeranian” makes me nervous. That sounds like one of those kids’ movie gimmicks where they’re trying too hard and it’s only funny to the kids, like the minions in Despicable Me or the rooster and pig in Moana. There couldn’t be anything more Disney-esque than an animal sidekick, and guess what? An animal sidekick is super redundant in a movie about ANTROPOMORPHIZED ANIMALS. Of all the news we’ve gotten on G5 so far, this is the thing that makes me the most worried. I’m on board with almost everything else, but please, please, please, we don’t need the world’s cutest flying Pomeranian in a movie about cute ponies, many of which can fly. “Their adventures will take them to faraway lands and force them to challenge the status quo by facing their fears and making new friends out of old enemies.” I know a lot of fans thought of Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Chrysalis at this line, but I don’t think that’s what this means. I think G4 and G5 are going to be more loosely connected than that. If you start a reboot by bringing back three antagonists from the show’s previous incarnation, you’re just going to alienate new viewers. More likely, this refers to old enemies in the personal lives of the main characters, or old enemies in the sense that the pony species having been antagonistic towards each other for a long time. “The world Sunny has dreamed of her entire life could finally become a reality as Sunny and her newfound friends fight to prove that even little ponies can make a big difference.” CUTE! Did you see what they did there, with the “little” ponies? Chortle… “In the computer-animated series, the adventures of Sunny Starscout and her friends will continue.” Computer-animated is often synonymous with 3D. So, is the series animation style the same as the movie? That’s not was I was expecting… Like I said, I prefer a 2D style, and it’d certainly be easier for them. I hope this doesn’t mean the show has a shorter running time per season. But the 3D style in the screenshots is really good, so I guess I’m willing to accept it. That’s about all I have on the synopsis. Again, as a writer, I was very interested in dissecting this thing. I have all sorts of theories I didn’t put here, but I covered all my most important first impressions. Overall, I’m very excited! Second screenshot Of course I have to talk about the second screenshot with the already iconic tennis ball. What a way to introduce a new character to the fandom! We can only guess what the tennis ball is for, but it’s helped propel Izzy to undisputed best pony status. (Hitch is my personal favorite pony, but I know when I’ve been outvoted.) My theory on the tennis ball has to do with the pegasus guards. There’s obviously mistrust between the species. I think they put the tennis ball there as a safety precaution. Probably Izzy and Sunny are on their way to meet some high-up pegasus. Certainly the tennis ball would protect anypony from Izzy’s incredibly sharp horn. I’m not sure if it would do anything to negate her magic. Probably not. Maybe I’m wrong and there really is no magic in Equestria now. But whatever it’s there for, it’s adorable and I love Izzy. That’s not all there is to talk about in this screenshot. Sunny seems to be a bookworm. Are you sure about this? I don’t want her to be too similar to Twilight. The background is once again worth picking apart. The guards’ armor is FINE and sleek. The shiny, white and gold look of wherever we are is interesting. I don’t know what the symbol on the door represents, but I’m excited to find out. There are clouds in the windows. It seems there is an elevator panel behind them with a lot of buttons. So we seem to be in a gigantic tower, perhaps a skyscraper. This all makes me even more excited. This whole shot has a really neat aesthetic, different from both our own world and the Equestria we’re familiar with. I am once again convinced that they’re doing real worldbuilding for this movie. I cannot wait to visit this brand new, unexplored Equestria. Gif, names, and character speculation Feb 25 broke my brain again when we got a short animation of the characters. The 3D animation looks as good in motion as it did in the screenshots. Of course, the big reveal with the gif was the existence of a stallion mane character! Yes, yes, YES! LET’S GO!! “Diversity and inclusion” usually means female dominance at the cost of the males. But this is real diversity here! It was a logical move to have all females in G4—it’s a show for little girls—but in 2021 girls can watch boys onscreen and boys can watch girls. Izzy’s cute as ever in the gif. We don’t know a lot about the stallion, but I think he’s a cousin to Sunny. Their shoving horseplay (sEe WhAt I dId ThErE?) seems like a family dynamic sort of thing, their color schemes are similar, and they’re both earth ponies. They even have a common thread in their names: “Scout” and “Trailblazer.” But since their last names are different, I don’t think they’re siblings. I like the new names. I raised an eyebrow at Izzy. Almost all pony names are words describing actual things. Izzy is not. But the last names are all pretty consistent with the G4 style. And who says things can’t change over time? I have some speculation about what our characters will be like. We already got a description of Sunny’s personality. I’d add that I suspect she is a bookworm and a history buff. She’s obsessed with the heroes of the past, and she probably has an idealistic and optimistic outlook, maybe to the point of being a little blind to reality. Izzy is an adorable goofball. I’m a little afraid of her because she reminds me of Pinkie Pie, but she’s a unicorn. Pinkie Pie has enough crazy powers as is. Adding unicorn powers to that would be havoc. We have less on Hitch, but I have some theories. I don’t know what the symbol on his belt is, but I see a carabiner. With that and his name, I think he’s some kind of scout/outdoors/wilderness guy. He’s probably very fit, and maybe he sometimes underestimates his own strength, as seen in the gif. If he is Sunny’s cousin, then when the earth ponies kick her out (:o), he decides to go with her. Probably he thinks she’s a bit of a misfit, too, but he goes out of loyalty. He might be a more moderate voice contrasting Sunny’s activism. He’ll probably voice the more traditional, racists attitudes of the city they come from, but he’ll overcome that weakness in time. But of course I’m just speculating at this point. Conclusion Overall, I am STOKED. I am HYPED. I wasn’t sure how they would proceed with G5, and I had my worries. I was afraid of them making G5 too similar to G4. They had lightning in a bottle, why change the formula? But I ask why have a reboot if you’re just repeating the same thing? You’re not creating anything new; you’re just leeching off someone else’s brilliant idea. Have you ever looked at a theater’s listing of movies and realized that most of them trace their origins to the 1980s or earlier? It drives me crazy. A reboot is only justified in my eyes if it has enough new ideas that it’s contributing something original, like Lauren Faust did in 2010. On the other hand, I was worried about G5 departing too much from G4. What especially scared me was if they tried appealing to an older audience. FiM was plenty appealing to older viewers, but not because it was planned that way. It was made for little girls, but it was good enough that anyone could watch it. If G5 was marketed for older audiences, it would lose some of its magic and charm. It might be a good show, but it wouldn’t be My Little Pony. My worst nightmare was if they made it “adult” by including sex, cussing, and other filth that sells well. It was never very likely, but it scared me anyway. What we have of G5 looks like the perfect compromise between the two extremes. They’ve obviously departed from G4 quite a bit. The animation and art style are different, the screenshots show a world with a very different feel, and the story revealed by the synopsis is in a way surprisingly dark. But they’ve also preserved the charm of MLP. The characters are cute and quirky, the colors are bright, and that same story sounds like a lot of fun even as it tackles tough topics. I couldn’t have imagined this turning out better than it is. If I had written a synopsis of everything I wanted the movie to, it couldn’t have been more interesting than what they’ve actually given us. My only reservation is the flying Pomeranian. In all that time before we started getting official information on the movie, I envisioned a lot of ways G5 could go wrong. The only one that hasn’t been ruled out yet is Disney parody. I’m still worried that the movie could be formulaic and predictable. I’m still worried they’ll add twist villains, preachy messages, and annoying side characters because that’s what’s worked for Disney. But it’s way too early to judge G5. As I’ve worked on this reaction, I’ve surprised myself with how many theories and thoughts I have. But really we still have very little information. Even a trailer isn’t enough, in my opinion, to really judge whether or not a movie will be good. For me even watching the movie won’t be enough to confidently say how good G5 will be. I’m withholding a definitive judgement of MLP G5 until the entire first season of the show is out. But in the meantime it’s fun to speculate and geek out. And my speculation for now is that G5 is going to be as good as G4. I couldn’t offer higher praise.
  19. That's beautiful! (usually looking at a flower)
  20. Why am I the only one who thinks that Rainbow Dash is the youngest of the Mane 6? She straight up says she was the first in her class to get a cutie mark (see "Call of the Cutie"). Notice in the Sonic Rainboom race, one of the colts she raced against already had a cutie mark, meaning that not everypony at that school is in the same class. It must have been a school with a broader age group, just like any school in our world. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were at the same school but in different grades. But that didn't stop little Rainbow Dash from challenging Fluttershy's bullies, who were probably Fluttershy's age and therefore older than Rainbow Dash. If Rainbow Dash was the first in her class to get her cutie mark, we can assume she got her cutie mark at an unusually young age. Considering that the Mane 6 all got their cutie marks at the same time, she's probably the youngest of them. Considering that she looked the youngest as a filly, and that she acts the least mature out of the Mane 6, this theory seems to have some weight. I could see Twilight being about her same age, since she's a prodigy and all that. Other than Rainbow Dash, I totally agree with this list. It's really well thought out.
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