Alright, so the very first thing I heard was that you guitar was overpowering the rest of the track. It made the drums quieter than they should be. Other elements in the mixing were very dodgy as well. Enhancing the vocals using some compression would brighten them up for sure. Add a little drop of gain and lower the attack time to give your vocals more pop. This way, the S's, T's, and other consonant sounds.
Also...NEEDS MORE BASS! I could hardly hear any bass instrument in the track, which is why I said the mix is off-balanced. A thick and deep bass would definately fit with this style.
Finally, the transtion from the second slowdown to the final chorus was rather rushed. It would've been best to leave the hold-out on Twilight's vocals adding a cymbal roll, leading right into the final chorus.
All in all, nice remix but the overall mix of instruments and lack of certain other elements put a damper on this remix.