Arcing Storm

Hello Arcing Storm,

You're off to a good start here. There's still a fair bit we'll need to to expand upon to make this application shine, and make it suitable for EqE. I'll give you a few tips you can work on in order to give your character a little more life and individuality.

Length:

First thing's first; the length. All EqE characters are required to have at least three full paragraphs of backstory. While you do have three full lines, they're a little too short to be considered complete paragraphs. I think there's a lot more you can tell us about him.

• How did he get his cutie mark?
• What inspired his love for racing?
• Did he ever participate in races as a young colt? Perhaps at school, or in the Best Young Fliers competition?
• What got him into running errands for others?
• What kinds of errands does he run?
• How did he learn to make a Thunder Blast?
• There are heaps of others you can write about! 

Numerical Ages

Because we don't know how long ponies live or at what rate they age, we don't use numerical ages. Please use age denominators like 'colt', 'young stallion', and so on.

The Orphan Dilemma:

Now, this is just personal opinion. You're more than welcome to ignore this part. But: Orphaned characters in this fandom are extremely overdone. I've seen it pulled off well a few times, but these characters always have a good reason for being orphans, the absence of their parents are often key to their story lines, and it's a very emotional subject which is close to their hearts.

From what I've read; Storm doesn't need this. It doesn't add anything of value to his character. If you were to keep his parents around, you could use them to explain other parts of his backstory. Maybe his father is a high-speed postal pony, and this is what inspired his love for racing, as well as led him to begin errand work.

That's my suggestion, anyway. If you're sure you'd prefer him to remain an orphan, expand a little on how he feels about his parents. Is he angry they abandoned him? Sad? Does he want to find them, or would he prefer to not have anything to do with them?

Writing orphaned characters well is extremely difficult to do. More often than not, it comes across as a 'Mary Sue'-like trait, which is why it's best avoided unless you're 100% sure of the direction you wish to take it.

Hello Arcing Storm,

 

You're off to a good start here. There's still a fair bit we'll need to to expand upon to make this application shine, and make it suitable for EqE. I'll give you a few tips you can work on in order to give your character a little more life and individuality.

 

Length:

First thing's first; the length. All EqE characters are required to have at least three full paragraphs of backstory. While you do have three full lines, they're a little too short to be considered complete paragraphs. I think there's a lot more you can tell us about him.

• How did he get his cutie mark?
  
• What inspired his love for racing?
  
• Did he ever participate in races as a young colt? Perhaps at school, or in the Best Young Fliers competition?
  
• What got him into running errands for others?
  
• What kinds of errands does he run?
  
• How did he learn to make a Thunder Blast?
  
• There are heaps of others you can write about! 
  

Numerical Ages

Because we don't know how long ponies live or at what rate they age, we don't use numerical ages. Please use age denominators like 'colt', 'young stallion', and so on.

 

The Orphan Dilemma:

Now, this is just personal opinion. You're more than welcome to ignore this part. But: Orphaned characters in this fandom are extremely overdone. I've seen it pulled off well a few times, but these characters always have a good reason for being orphans, the absence of their parents are often key to their story lines, and it's a very emotional subject which is close to their hearts.

 

From what I've read; Storm doesn't need this. It doesn't add anything of value to his character. If you were to keep his parents around, you could use them to explain other parts of his backstory. Maybe his father is a high-speed postal pony, and this is what inspired his love for racing, as well as led him to begin errand work.

 

That's my suggestion, anyway. If you're sure you'd prefer him to remain an orphan, expand a little on how he feels about his parents. Is he angry they abandoned him? Sad? Does he want to find them, or would he prefer to not have anything to do with them?

 

Writing orphaned characters well is extremely difficult to do. More often than not, it comes across as a 'Mary Sue'-like trait, which is why it's best avoided unless you're 100% sure of the direction you wish to take it.

Thanks again for the tips. I updated his Bio a lot. All I need is ideas and you gave me a lot so... Thanks. (Again. XD)

So I didn't see the original character post, because Kay is quick and awesome. While this character is quite close, he still needs some adjustments.

-In the personality section, you said he's an energetic person.

-Considering how closely watched and maintained the weather in Equestria, it seems extremely unlikely that his parents would die in a storm. Add to that a storm almost kills him a second time. I agree with what Kay said above, there really is no reason for him to be orphaned. You could remove that entirely, and it wouldn't alter his backstory too much. Either way, the weather related disasters have to go.

-You still have very still have rather specific ages, particularly about his teenage years. We don't know if ponies even have teenage years.

-This is a suggestion, as Kay's was above: there seems to be a huge lapse in time between when he loses his parents, and talking to the headmaster. But headmaster of what? Who takes him in? Considering what role his parents would have played in his life, it seems a gaping hole in his backstory, not showing how if effected that character.

Overall you're quite close with this character. A few more tweaks and you'll be good to go.

The thunderstorm is what crucial about his talent so if I'm removing it, I'm removing his talent entirely since that's my only idea. *headdesks and thinks*

Alright. I'm doing a COMPLETE rewrite!

Is it ok now? I've spent about a hour and a half to rewrite the whole backstory. If anything is off, I'll try to tweak/delete and rewrite it.

So I didn't see the original character post, because Kay is quick and awesome. 

Careful Troblems, you'll give me a giant ego. xD 

@, 

This is much better than before! I love the story about the goggles, and learning to fly the day before school. There are a few things which need tweaks, but you're getting very close!

• The Cutie Mark and Image fields need verbal descriptions. You can't just say 'exactly the same as the image' because if the image were to break, nobody would know what your character or his cutie mark look like.

The last one is another biggie, but you don't need to rewrite the whole thing this time. I'll quote the part we're having issues with:

Storm continued to go to school after the 'incident'. The others still mocked him and bullied him but he ignored them all. A while after, Storm was challenged to a flying race by a Pegasus who had been bullying him. He accepted the challenge since he didn't want to be called a coward and he was confident in his flying abilities. The race started the next day, Storm had no difficulties out flying his opponent but what was strange about him is there is a trail of yellow lighting sparks came out from behind him. He flew through checkpoints and checkpoints made from clouds but he didn't notice the trail. Storm kept speeding up despite the distance between him and his opponent until... "BOOM!" A shockwave made out of those lighting sparks came out behind him, accompanied with a thunderous noise. That was the fastest he had flew then. That was also when his cutiemark appeared. Soon Storm finished the course and won the race and the trophy: his cutiemark.

Basically; it's almost exactly the same as Rainbow Dash's Cute Mark story. The Thunder Blast is also extremely similar to a Sonic Rainboom. I can see that his thunder abilities are fairly integral to his character, so I'm willing to discuss this among the other staff if you desperately want to keep the Thunder Blast. I can't guarantee a positive outcome, but all of us can take a vote. The manner in which he earns his cutie mark will still have to change to be less similar to Rainbow Dash however, and that's what I'll get into below;

Perhaps Storm's thunder abilities could be re-worked into having a talent manipulating thunder clouds? He can still run errands on the side but he could also be a 'storm pony'. This could fit well with his resistance toward lightning as well. He could have the job of bucking lightning out of clouds, or keeping Ponyville safe from lightning strikes during big rainstorms. Just an idea, you're free to do whatever you like.

All that aside, you're really close! And this is so much better than it was this morning, I'm blown away by how quickly you improved it.

Basically; it's almost exactly the same as Rainbow Dash's Cute Mark story. The Thunder Blast is also extremely similar to a Sonic Rainboom. I can see that his thunder abilities are fairly integral to his character, so I'm willing to discuss this among the other staff if you desperately want to keep the Thunder Blast. I can't guarantee a positive outcome, but all of us can take a vote.

Perhaps Storm's thunder abilities could be re-worked into having a talent manipulating thunder clouds? He can still run errands on the side but he could also be a 'storm pony'. This could fit well with his resistance toward lightning as well. He could have the job of bucking lightning out of clouds, or keeping Ponyville safe from lightning strikes during big rainstorms. Just an idea, you're free to do whatever you like.

The verdict on Arcing Storm's 'Thunder Blast' ability is a negative. It, along with his Cutie Mark Story, are just too similar to Rainbow Dash. It's not just staff who will pick up on that, either; other users may notice, and think slightly less of him than they would otherwise. The idea with EqE OC's is to try and make them as though they'd fit into the show as seamlessly as background ponies. You can keep his lightning trail, though it has to be something which only happens at top speeds; even Rainbow Dash only produces rainbows when she flies extremely fast.

I'd encourage you to play a little more with his talents regarding lightning and storm clouds, and use those to build his Cutie Mark Story with instead. His cutie mark IS a thundercloud, after all. If you use this as his special talent, I think it would fit really well.

One last thing: Once this character is ready for approval, I'd recommend proof reading him very carefully. Approved characters can't be edited, and there is nothing more annoying than spotting grammar and spelling errors on your own OC when you can no longer edit them. =P

The verdict on Arcing Storm's 'Thunder Blast' ability is a negative. It, along with his Cutie Mark Story, are just too similar to Rainbow Dash. It's not just staff who will pick up on that, either; other users may notice, and think slightly less of him than they would otherwise. The idea with EqE OC's is to try and make them as though they'd fit into the show as seamlessly as background ponies. You can keep his lightning trail, though it has to be something which only happens at top speeds; even Rainbow Dash only produces rainbows when she flies extremely fast.

 

I'd encourage you to play a little more with his talents regarding lightning and storm clouds, and use those to build his Cutie Mark Story with instead. His cutie mark IS a thundercloud, after all. If you use this as his special talent, I think it would fit really well.

 

One last thing: Once this character is ready for approval, I'd recommend proof reading him very carefully. Approved characters can't be edited, and there is nothing more annoying than spotting grammar and spelling errors on your own OC when you can no longer edit them. =P

At least the trail is a go. Thank you for your feedback and yeah. The errors would be annoying.

Okay, he looks good to me! Thanks for bearing with us through all those changes. I'm moving him through for secondary approval.

Moving to approved. Have fun with Arcing Storm in Equestrian Empire.