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Found 18 results

  1. I feel like I sound like a broken record complaining about how my life sucks, but here it is. It's no secret, I am miserable the way I live right now. I am miserable period. I've progressively been feeling the noose of despair tighten around my neck as I try to cut it off with the dullest razor blade imaginable (representing the little hope I have left). But I'll try to discuss more of the root of why that is (or at least the parts that involve me), hopefully in more detail than I have over and over again in thread posts. I'm really sorry if it makes me seem like I just want attention, though the truth is that I don't. I just have this constant feeling that I need to share my problems with somebody else before my deep-seeded pain takes over. Here are the major things: Anxiety Honestly, Anxiety is probably the worst problem and it bleeds into every other problem I'll list here. It is never ending. My anxiety problems have been around forever. I remember having anxiety attacks as a kid almost every time the phone rang. It was debilitating then, and it still is now. I still get a slight tightening in my chest, and a loss of breath. It may sound like it's improving, but it's really been getting worse over the past couple of years. I've mentioned this before, but I have mini anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. Over something as silly and minor as a lack of light and an open window. I know it's ridiculous, and my ex-boyfriend would tell you the same when I said it was him. Truth was, it was me. Me suddenly starting to feel irrationally insecure in a house 5 minutes from the nearest town. Me on the verge of having a heart attack over an absurdly remote possibility. As I already mentioned, I've had this problem for a long time. I can't go a week without at least one episode that fits the clinical definition of an anxiety attack... This whole thing contributes I'm really worried that one day It'll get so bad I'll shove pills down my throat because I finally gave up, completely. The voices telling me there's no reason to live anymore will beat out my concern for how everyone else will feel when they learn that I overdosed on my Dad's pain pills. Social Isolation Most of the time I really like being by myself. Nobody judging me, nobody annoying me, and nobody otherwise bothering me. But here's the thing... It has gone way too far. I don't talk to people, at all. I'm the one sitting in the corner not saying a word. I know that's okay, but the truth is that it only is to an extent. When you don't say something you need to say, or more specifically you don't talk to someone in real life when you need help, that can be a problem. I've become lonely in my little bubble, and it's tearing me apart. Nobody around me seems really worth bringing in. It's not only because of that idea that keeps in my head, but it's because I'm incapable of bringing people in. It's one of the reasons I've long suspected that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, the mildest form of Autism. I'd love it if it really were as simple as "be more social", but the truth is that it isn't. If it were, than I'd have fixed this problem already. I've tried talking to people more, but the thing is that what comes out of my mouth isn't precisely what should, and that I find anxiety rearing its ugly head and rendering me unable to speak to anyone. The loneliness is also an issue, as well. Having a boyfriend would likely help these issues, but how can I expect to have one, when I can't talk to him? I know that it was a part of the problem with my relationship with my ex, and it's an issue that cripples every relationship that I've ever had... Laziness It's true, I'm chronically lazy. I know that if I said I graduated high school with a 94.3 average it would make it sound like that isn't the case, but the only reason it wasn't at least a 96 was because I got zeroes, because I was too lazy to think to turn in my work and too lazy to properly organize my backpack. This laziness has spread into other endeavors. This is a great part of why my life's been stuck in a rut since I graduated High School in 2016. I haven't acquired a job yet, I've taken years to develop a single, flawed game that is still in fairly early development, and I've done nothing to show for myself. Every time I attempt to do something, I get burnt out and my passion for it completely goes away, leaving me a husk with no real aspiration. All I do these days any more is watch TV and create pointless Paladins tier lists that I will never post, along with the game I've been working on (for maybe an hour a day). Heck, this idea was taken from a blog post that @Woohoo made in February... The whole list of my issues is really long, and includes but is not limited to: s*** memory when it comes to most things emotional outbursts a painfully obvious lack of self-esteem a reliance on the Internet zero people skills, or others really no dexterity whatsoever hearing things that aren't real suicidal thoughts, and occasionally actions So, yeah sorry for copying somebody else's blog post topic for the second time, sorry for being overbearing, and sorry for wasting everyone else's time and effort trying to keep me afloat. I feel like I need to apologize for far more than that, and honestly I don't know what to apologize for and it makes me feel even worse about myself. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub indeed.
  2. One interesting aspect I find about myself, is that when I am feeling down or depressed which tends ot happen often nowadays, instead of listening to uplifting, obviously positive music, I gravitate towards darker music and more depressing songs. While I will listen to these normally anyways because I enjoy the music, these are my go to songs for when my mood is at a low. Bands like Psyclon Nine, Suicide Commando, Sentenced, those kinds of groups are ones I go for when I am feeling depressed. There is a sort of comfort that I get from it. Like the artist knows how I feel and it makes me feel not alone at that moment. It is a surprising way to bring me back up. What about all of you? Do you gravitate towards dark music when your mood is low?
  3. Like the title says, do you find it much more easier to be Stubborn and Miserable rather than Open Minded and Happy? Personally, yes. Most of my reactions will end up coming across as negative and pessimistic due to the way I think and I try to not let others change the way I do things. It's very rare for me to have a happy reaction because I don't feel happiness a lot, sadness is a more contagious emotion than happiness as it can last longer than a smile. Maybe because I'm getting older and the things that made my happy in the past no longer give me the same feeling they do now, or it could be the problems I had as a child that made me feel negative about everything.
  4. Hello, I'm starting this thread because lately I've been kinda sad. And for some reason sad music helps. So post whatever music you like that you think is sad. Here, I'll start: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpot_P7_LPU Heres one more to get it started: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9NN9JY5fbwc
  5. Tensions are rising between me and my emotions. And while I don't have a bi-polar disorder, For the past two days, I've been struggling to maintain my emotions and my character. And whats really hard for me to take, is that one of my friends desperately wants me to go to prom. I would love to go to prom too, and I have a fair experience with going out with girls. The problem though is that I don't think going to prom or going out with girls is not important to me right now. All I want to do is do whatever makes me happy. And one of the big keys is hanging out with friends. But I'm having trouble coping with loneliness and minor depressions. I feel like I can't trust my friends on what I'm going through, and I rarely see my best friend anymore. So for the past 2 days, I've been very silent. And don't feel like I don't wanna talk to my parents and friends. All I care about is running. Please feel free to Personal message me to talk to me I feel fine on talking to you.
  6. What is the most depressing MLP video you have ever seen?
  7. hopkey123

    Bad Harmony

    I'm not sure if it'll pull it up here, but if not, you can click on the link. It's a My Little Pony version of "Bad Apple!!" by Touhou Project. I take no credit whatsoever, just trying to get the song around. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eXlCDgTvs0k
  8. I'm not really a fan of Christmas because I'm always depressed when I see how happy other people are during this time of year and realize that there is something wrong with me for not being able to enjoy it. Maybe it's because there's something wrong with me, my depression always gets worse around the holidays (probably because they take place in the winter). I realize that I'm probably in the minority here, though.
  9. I woke up. Sunlight filled my eyes. I could hear a faint banging of plates from next door. "Vinyl!!!" I shout "What have I told you about my antiques!?" Silence. "I was just trying to make a cheese sandwich man." She pipes up after a while. I sigh and walk into the kitchen where vinyl was sitting on the counter. I walked in circles for a bit,wondering if I should clean my cello. "Hey Octavia?" Vinyl swung her feet on the counter. "There's a party in ponyville tonight. Wanna come?" She paused "eh,who am I kiddin. You will probably be practicing you cello." "I'm sorry you feel that way vinyl." And with that I walked out. Me and vinyl have always been like sisters. Sharing a house in equestria and everything.But lately it seems like we've been drifting apart. Last night was no exeption. She told me I was lame and went to a rock concert that happened to be on that night. EVERYPONY went to it,leaving me....the wallflower. Vinyl had just come back and I am going to talk some sense into her. She shut the door waving goodbye to her friend neon lights. "Heyyyyy Octavia" she says with a guilty smile. "Don't hey me." I whisper "What have you been...er....doing?" I frown "nothing." "Oh Octavia,don't be like this. C'mon. It was your cello concert after all." I frown even more and raise my voice slightly "that was next week" Vinyl was frowning now "oh. Octavia...I'm.....I'm...I'm sorry man. I didn't relise." I was shouting now. "But your not are you?! You always treat me like a piece of dirt! I wish you'd just....you'd just........get a life and stop ruining mine!" I could feel vinyls sadness,there where hot tears running down her face,dripping onto the ground that she has never cleaned once. "Vinyl...." She sniffs "please....let us talk about it....please" "NO!" I roar,in a voice only my parents had heard before. "IM LEAVING!" I shout. Before I left a old friend,pinkie pie came through the door. "What's going on?!" She asked. "Ask her!!" I reply,grabbing onto my cello and leaving. This time it was me slamming the door. Who needs friends when you have music?! I guess not me. It's been fifteen days since I had left and vinyl had taken over. I'm suprised that the house hasn't set fire yet. I'm currently living underneath a apple tree,playing my music in exchange as money. I never knew any of the pony's,so it's like I was made to rot and die on the streets. Like equestria sent down a message saying 'she's pathetic' or somthing. I've currently just finished a solo for a filly. Great sorrow in my music. Now I've got some money I can just buy a small cup of Apple juice from applejack. "Octavia!" I heard a voice. Was it the princess come to give me a home? No,one of vinyls friends,probably rarity,was running towards me,hair bobbing in the wing,covered in spray. "I'm sorry." She says to me. What in ponyville was she talking about?! "Ya'know vinyls...." She stopped "you don't know do you?" I shook my head like a told of filly in a lesson. She got out a newspaper,the first thing I saw was 'party obsessed pony died on 17 march in tradgic air balloon accident. Instantly my eyes filled with tears. How could I had been so stupid?! Walking out on her like that,what sort of friend am I?! "You can still see her,she's at filly gate hospital. I looked up at the powdered pony. "Thank you.." I whisper and start walking. "Let me in!" I shout to the nurse outside the door that vinyl is dyeing in. Also outside the door was a light purple pony,a bright pink pony and a small dragon. I think they where whispering about me. The nurse nodded over to me as a sigh of I could could come in now. I walked over to her bed and wiped a tear away from my already red face. She looked so peaceful there. I strocked her mane,now not ashamed to cry. Then I found it. A note buried in her pocket. Dear octavia, I'm writing this in a hot air balloon. It's late and dark,but I'm not tired. The stars in the sky are amazing. If I could grab one,is grab it for you. I've been horrible. I really a- That's when it stopped. That's when it crashed and landed on a tree. There is hope in Someone's world. Just not mine.
  10. So in class today, our professor was reviewing some key signature recognition skills. He quickly revealed a flashcard to the class with a key signature drawn on it. "Mr. Noah, what is this key?" he asked the boy in the back of the class. The kid focused intently on the question, reviewing possible answers in his head until he finally decided on what he felt like was an appropriate response: "Seven." Seven. The key of seven. The class burst into laughter as my hand slammed into my face in pity for the poor guy. If you ask me, that's the most depressing thing I've heard all day. The person was obviously caught off-gaurd, so even if we were in the advanced class, I think it wouldn't be that much of a mistake. "Noah," the teacher responded after he was through with his own bout of laughter. "Crack kills."
  11. My control of our life crumbles away slowly The silence overtaking us I think of all the time we spent together skipping through the fields, nary a worry or care When we first met, love at first sight she was all I had ever wanted Her words sweet like fresh berries, picked right from the bush her beauty unmatched by the greatest works of the greatest artists Her smile warm like the sun, on a cool clear day Her eyes shined green like the crisp forest, in the windy summer air Her love was all I ever needed All I ever wanted When we were together, nothing could tear us apart at least that's what we thought If only we knew then what we know now So now as I sit here on the cracked and dusty floor holding her with me, praying to every god there is That somehow we could pull through and make it past this But I knew the truth, I knew she would not make it I cry for her, tears of sadness at the cruelty of life As I feel her strength draining, it kills me inside I can only wish it would have been me instead that had to go as she coldly goes limp in my arms But I knew the truth, the cold harsh cutting truth Though we may live high as a mighty king, in the highest castle or as a lowly rat, scraping by day by day On what's left behind We may live our life as the most wicked evil to ever come to be Or we may live as the most kind and humble knight Helping all those who come our way, asking nothing in return In the end, we all turn to dust
  12. It's been so long, so long since I have last slept. I lie awake at night, my darling, and all I can think of is you. Why I ever chose to leave, is merely completely beyond my understanding. I lay in wait for the day that I am told that I am to return to you. As I sit there, beyond the stars and dreams and hopes I have birthed, I have to wonder, just how far, just how far it takes to see you again. as our connection has been clear since naissance, please return to me, love. Have I lost all that once made me the man that fell in love? That is a question that will have no definitive answer, as I am far too long-lived to see anything in a new light. The light that I live in now is a monotone gray, and it shields my eyes from all beauty. Many have tried to describe to me the love and life I once knew, but that feeling is empty, and can only serve to bring forth tears from me, signs of a weakness that this trip was supposed to leave behind. The stars glisten with an amber light, but I find it meaningless unless that light is illuminating the one thing that could make me happy in this entire universe, you, my love. I feel that I am empty inside, I am as hollow and lifeless as the metal that this room is made of, Alas, I cannot return, I am far beyond hope and the passion that we once felt. The man that you knew died long ago, and now the hollow shell that once held him has come close to it's ending, to it's eternal rest. I retire to an existence of pure melancholy. I don't feel anymore, I don't feel anything, except for the need to see you. I can't think without you enveloping my thoughts. Thoughts that in themselves have long ago succumbed to an eternal darkness that took hold in the very roots of my foundation. I'm sorry.
  13. Acoustic Cloud

    A Depressing Day...

    Okay, so it's been obvious for a while now my parents are worried about me. I get that, there is good reason. So after many trials and errors with medications and doctors and therapists, they decided to take me to a psychiatrist. (This is like a 2 yr process to get to this point) Basically, this is all tipped off from my extreme introversion, self abuse, and a long history of being an outcast in school. I tended to get bullied and harassed just because I was the kid not being a jerk. That has been going on since 2nd grade... I'm in my Junior year of High School. So back on track, today was the day I went to meet him with my mother and father. So we go through many results and how I fell in the 99 percentile for tons of symptoms. We talked about many awkward things along the lines of depression, suicide, and sexual abuse and whatnot... After that is all said and done. I get to hear my results... I am a bipolar II I have possible PTSD I could be hospitalized at some point. I will be set on medications I have sleeping disorders My thought processes are messed up I am a suicidal risk And I am getting a new therapist... All of these are just added to many physical issues I have with my body. like kyphosis, a turned leg, asthma. So anyways, a very LONG meeting of awkward glances were set out, and here I am at home :/ I hope you enjoyed my story, and... I am really just putting this here so you guys get to hear about me. I don't usually talk about myself much. So, enjoy the read. It seldom happens.
  14. ok fillies and colts, heres another sketch from yours truly, this time its a very depressed and saddened Rarity. it seems like she dosent get much spot light so here she is for all to enjoy! sorry im a bit loop at the moment from being up all night so this opening is sure to be a bit left of center. anywho! WOOHOO RARITY! *passes out from exhaustion* as always this was done from reference hour 1 hour 1.5 hour 2 hour 3 i know it looks the same but i had to finalize the shading and clean up a few smuged lines and what not also this is a full page view, drawing is a bit bigger than my hand
  15. Well, it's time again for another sad drawing. I haven't done the full drawing of this yet, but I'll be sure to post it here once it is finished, for now, here is a sketch of it. Enjoy, I guess?
  16. Give me your sad, sad, beautiful songs. I'm feeling a it under the weather at the moment and nothing helps me out more than just getting dem feels from a sad song. Here's a couple to start y'all off with.
  17. This is a project I'm writing. I don't know how I'll get on, but let's see. Warning: Depressing and Sad fanfic. Chapter 1 The life I live is not a very exciting one. Many people will say that their life isn't exactly the best either, but compared to the stories that have been shared with me before in my journey's. 'What do I do?' I hear you ask, well I haven't exactly got a job. I just travel. I have nothing in this world to live for except the brightly coloured ponies that parade the screen of my laptop. I can't afford a TV, I got my MacBook second hand at an auction, after I had saved up enough money working at a corner shop down the road where I used to live. But that isn't the point. I come and go. I haven't got a place I can call 'home'. I suppose I never really have. I used to live a happy life. I got good grades, I graduated from a great university and I met a nice girl, who I was soon able to call my wife. However, my wife and daughter both died during childbirth. I lost everything that day. Do you know what it's like to lose two loved ones in one day? After that, things got worse. I lost my job due to the shameful poisons of alcohol, I got kicked out of my flat, and my parents had died. I was an only child, so I was the last surviving member of my family (that I knew of). All I had left was my car. I had given up on the dirty, lonely, desolate streets of the big city. I needed a change of scenery. With only a small amount of money, I abandoned the city and decided to find a better place. Whenever I found another town, I would stay there for a while. Get a job and earn some money to buy food and all the necessities needed for a lone man to survive. I soon discovered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It made me happy when I watched it. Made me feel happy. I remember walking into a toy shop and purchasing a Rainbow Dash plushie. I saw all the parents with their kids, dashing around buying toys that the young ones craved. They seemed happy, and loved each other. It made me wish I still had a family, but watching the children and their parents together made me happy. What caught my eye was a young couple. They looked as if they were in their early twenties. They had a small, young boy. They seemed so happy playing with him, it bought a tear to my eye. They child was a beautiful young boy. He had got his looks from handsome father. He was tall and bearded. His mother was also good looking too. She had long blonde hair, slim body, and long legs. I will always remember that moment. I had no idea what made them catch my eye, but it felt magic. Chapter 2 coming soon.