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Found 6 results

  1. Emotional turmoil and sensitiveness can make a person cry easily. Add in snowballing effects of problems, and you have a very volatile combination. Some people handle it better than others, holding back the tears, but others just release their emotions right away. Just now I cried for about a minute until I stopped. Over the past view weeks I've been building up some negative feelings about myself and my life, and finally let it all out. The actually crying wasn't strong, as tears just fell out of my eyes, but the sobs were rather loud... that and the Celtics losing to Miami (an emotional loss, mind you - but we won't get into that), and the fact that my mom yelled at me (we won't get into details), and later sympathized with me let me release the proverbial gates. Rarely do I ever cry, but I do feel emotions and sadness more than the average person. The past three years have been rather emotional for me and my friends, so there's that too. The last time I cried was late March where my mom and I got into a fight, and I ended up saying some stupid things. Realizing the error of my ways, I let my emotions go, to which my mom sympathized. Anything before that? Early April of 2010. Life was getting sort of tough for me, and I let it all out after being accused of hanging around somewhere after school (my mom saw me exiting the school a different direction, so she thought I was doing some bad things). That year in particular looked like it was spiralling out of control, but I ended up discovering what friendship meant a month later. So yes, that's some of my stuff for you. Post yours.
  2. I feel like I sound like a broken record complaining about how my life sucks, but here it is. It's no secret, I am miserable the way I live right now. I am miserable period. I've progressively been feeling the noose of despair tighten around my neck as I try to cut it off with the dullest razor blade imaginable (representing the little hope I have left). But I'll try to discuss more of the root of why that is (or at least the parts that involve me), hopefully in more detail than I have over and over again in thread posts. I'm really sorry if it makes me seem like I just want attention, though the truth is that I don't. I just have this constant feeling that I need to share my problems with somebody else before my deep-seeded pain takes over. Here are the major things: Anxiety Honestly, Anxiety is probably the worst problem and it bleeds into every other problem I'll list here. It is never ending. My anxiety problems have been around forever. I remember having anxiety attacks as a kid almost every time the phone rang. It was debilitating then, and it still is now. I still get a slight tightening in my chest, and a loss of breath. It may sound like it's improving, but it's really been getting worse over the past couple of years. I've mentioned this before, but I have mini anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. Over something as silly and minor as a lack of light and an open window. I know it's ridiculous, and my ex-boyfriend would tell you the same when I said it was him. Truth was, it was me. Me suddenly starting to feel irrationally insecure in a house 5 minutes from the nearest town. Me on the verge of having a heart attack over an absurdly remote possibility. As I already mentioned, I've had this problem for a long time. I can't go a week without at least one episode that fits the clinical definition of an anxiety attack... This whole thing contributes I'm really worried that one day It'll get so bad I'll shove pills down my throat because I finally gave up, completely. The voices telling me there's no reason to live anymore will beat out my concern for how everyone else will feel when they learn that I overdosed on my Dad's pain pills. Social Isolation Most of the time I really like being by myself. Nobody judging me, nobody annoying me, and nobody otherwise bothering me. But here's the thing... It has gone way too far. I don't talk to people, at all. I'm the one sitting in the corner not saying a word. I know that's okay, but the truth is that it only is to an extent. When you don't say something you need to say, or more specifically you don't talk to someone in real life when you need help, that can be a problem. I've become lonely in my little bubble, and it's tearing me apart. Nobody around me seems really worth bringing in. It's not only because of that idea that keeps in my head, but it's because I'm incapable of bringing people in. It's one of the reasons I've long suspected that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, the mildest form of Autism. I'd love it if it really were as simple as "be more social", but the truth is that it isn't. If it were, than I'd have fixed this problem already. I've tried talking to people more, but the thing is that what comes out of my mouth isn't precisely what should, and that I find anxiety rearing its ugly head and rendering me unable to speak to anyone. The loneliness is also an issue, as well. Having a boyfriend would likely help these issues, but how can I expect to have one, when I can't talk to him? I know that it was a part of the problem with my relationship with my ex, and it's an issue that cripples every relationship that I've ever had... Laziness It's true, I'm chronically lazy. I know that if I said I graduated high school with a 94.3 average it would make it sound like that isn't the case, but the only reason it wasn't at least a 96 was because I got zeroes, because I was too lazy to think to turn in my work and too lazy to properly organize my backpack. This laziness has spread into other endeavors. This is a great part of why my life's been stuck in a rut since I graduated High School in 2016. I haven't acquired a job yet, I've taken years to develop a single, flawed game that is still in fairly early development, and I've done nothing to show for myself. Every time I attempt to do something, I get burnt out and my passion for it completely goes away, leaving me a husk with no real aspiration. All I do these days any more is watch TV and create pointless Paladins tier lists that I will never post, along with the game I've been working on (for maybe an hour a day). Heck, this idea was taken from a blog post that @Woohoo made in February... The whole list of my issues is really long, and includes but is not limited to: s*** memory when it comes to most things emotional outbursts a painfully obvious lack of self-esteem a reliance on the Internet zero people skills, or others really no dexterity whatsoever hearing things that aren't real suicidal thoughts, and occasionally actions So, yeah sorry for copying somebody else's blog post topic for the second time, sorry for being overbearing, and sorry for wasting everyone else's time and effort trying to keep me afloat. I feel like I need to apologize for far more than that, and honestly I don't know what to apologize for and it makes me feel even worse about myself. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub indeed.
  3. I don't know what to make of this.
  4. Hello everyone. Today I finally drew Discord's last family member Despair. Despair is the one sibling that shares the strongest bond with Discord by far. Discord offered Despair to assist him with conquering equestria, but declined the offer stating, "I can't abandon my realm of despair, Discord, same goes for you. If you abandon your realm of chaos, it'll eventually disappear along with yourself. Don't you know that?" Discord replied, "Of course I know that! Do you think I'm stupid or something? I'm just tired of this! I'm tired of overseeing the chaos of this world! I want to cause some for once! It's so painfully boring here... I'd rather cause my own chaos just for once in my life even if it did mean I would disappear!" Despair thought of what he could do, Than he came up with an idea. "Discord, if you truly wish to go through with this, I can watch over both of our realms for a while. But I can probably only keep it up for 1000 years or so... If your not back by then I'm leaving your realm to disappear... Have fun with your freedom while you can..." Here's the rest of the family Discord's sister Desire Discord's sister Decay Discord's brother Destiny Discord's sister Death
  5. Okay, first: Only read this is you’re in the mood - that is, this is going to get pretty deep. And cheesy. But bear with me, please. This is (in my eyes) a rather important message. The message is inspired by Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese." I would at least give it a quick skim before proceeding. You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting- over and over announcing your place in the family of things. You should be perfect. You should look right, you should stay out of trouble, you should be polite, and you should know the right people. At least, that is what the world is trying to tell you. Unfortunately, no one is perfect. Everyone has done things that they regret, and everyone has that pit in their heart that it is all too easy to sit in, wallowing in your own grief. Mary Oliver writes in her poem “Wild Geese” to “Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine/Meanwhile the world goes on.” It is too easy to shy away from the climb - the climb out of that darkness we have grown accustomed to in the pit in our hearts. And how might you climb the climb? “You have only to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.” There is a perfect circle that exists around the outside of the pit. Love breeds happiness, breeds a life that can, eventually, be looked back on with joy. And isn’t that what each one of us desires in the end? Who cares about you? I mean, who is genuinely interested and concerned about your fate? Do you ever open up to this person or these people? Tell them about your guilt, your troubles, your grief? Oliver describes exactly what that accomplishes in her poem. It is good to let others know of your feelings and Oliver shows sympathy when she writes, “and I will tell you mine.” But, “Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain/are moving across the landscapes... Meanwhile the wild geese... are heading home again.” What does this mean? The geese in Oliver’s poem symbolize the men and women who have let themselves go - who have given their past selves up for the sake of their future. One must climb out of the hole before one can fly. Your hole can be filled with many things, among them loneliness, guilt, and sadness. Oliver writes, “Whoever you are, no matter how lonely/the world offers itself to your imagination.” It’s not an easy task to overcome yourself, and the very concept of it can be alien and frightening. When Oliver mentions, “prairies and the deep trees/the mountains and the rivers,” she’s not just describing the landscape. She’s describing the ups and downs of life on this dark planet. Everyone experiences the light and the shadow, the moments we cherish fondly, and the moments we cherish because we refuse to let go of them. A very easy task it is to let ourselves get down because of them, but, “You do not have to be good.” It is the first line in the poem and the best news I have ever heard. The last and greatest point I wish to touch on is this. Your life, your story, your struggle, your theme: It can be heard. It’s up to you to decide what your theme is. As for me, it is love. Remember the line, “You only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.” Don’t let your fear or your guilt or your self-pity get in the way of what is most important to you. Because the very same thing is most important to someone else, too. Your pit is dark, dark place. When you finally see, when you finally get it and the light clicks on, what a better thing to do than to shine it all around this world full of darkness? The true meaning of love is spreading it around to every lost soul around you. When love breeds love - when light breeds light - when you forget about the pit that is so near to you, then the perfect circle is complete.
  6. Blood by *Mini0909 - My longest work in a long time. The thorns of life, the rose filled bush. Slash and rip apart the flesh of us. It entwines our existence to suck dry. Feed upon our hopes and wishes. It’s poison scorching our veins. Leading to our heart, to destroy. These thorns prick holes, slowly. Deeper and deeper they dig. Corrupting the crimson essence. Green fills as the red fades. Another life lost to the darkness. The darkness, the thorns and roses. They dance a waltz through all time. Movement so slow and subtle. We could never know the pain. Fiercely and hungry, it sucks us dry. This eternal dance that we call death. Another force of existence to fear. It toys with us, plays us as puppets. Another love story it will corrupt. Life is merely for it to dominate. The shadows creep up a pillar. The pillar that is us, as we are. We know to fear and flee from it. Never known how to fight despair. Another fear to know and avoid. The thorny bush entwine the pillar. Ripping apart every hope of us. To hold up the world for us to live. And torn down by a force so strong. The shadow is fed by fear to kill. Rotten and torn apart, we stand. To struggle again for sake of none. A life not meant to be lived or enjoyed. The game only meant to entertain. To entertain anyone but us, the shadow. A chess piece to be moved around. We are but pawns to be sacrificed. In this endless board game we call life. The desire to end it all, to pierce the heart. Wishing only to end the pain we feel. One quick cut is enough to yield. To surrender in this game we play. A stab, a slash is all we ever need. Let the blood flow as a waterfall. A reminder, a memory to the next. We shed these tears, this blood. To tell that this is not worth it all. Surrender the game as it begins. Do not let it control you, do not. We beg of you, forget and forgive. Do as we, take the knife and cut. Add to our pool of pain and despair. Help us drown these thorns and roses. Let us kill the evil, the shadow of life. Tear it down and let us sleep together. Eternally we dream of a better place. Without pain, without troubles or hate. We need to build a wonderland. A place for us to seek and hide our hearts. Somewhere safe from the shadow. Another thorn for the collection. A prick of poison barely felt anymore. The blood, now drained and thin. We live on hopes of no existence. Seek the embrace of pain and fear. We have lost the game as it began. We have struggled in hope of winning. No goal to be found other than despair. The darkness wins to own entertainment. We need not fear anymore, just give up. Give up and jump, take the fall and hope. Hope that it will end it all and banish forever. To never again wake to play the game of life. Another dream of love that we might seek. Will never be found in this world we walk. Every step more painful than the previous. One more thorn to add to the roses. These roses that we find so beautiful. Holds the poisonous thorns that torture. These roses will be our long awaited death. Help me, to help us, to show the world. The signs of darkness we need to share. Open the eyes of those we love. Let them see that life is not worth the trouble. Learn to embrace death as I have. Help me, help myself, show me how to smile. Share with me why you want to live. I might learn to care again for us, for this. A need for you to see who I am, see my soul. Pull me away from the edge, the bloody knife. Prevent the cut, the stab, the waterfall. Pick up the pieces that is my heart. Care for us, for the world to see it all. That this is not worth living for, the pain. Let us create our wonderland for real.