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So, I don't necessarily stay up all night, in fact, I rarely do. However, I do wake up early. A lot of times, the time I wake up will be anywhere from about 12:22 AM to 4:00 AM. (for those who don't use 12 hour clocks, 0:22 to 4:00). Which makes me sort of like Pixel from LazyTown. (Yes, I like LazyTown. I apologize. I apologize even more for not following some of the habits that show teaches. The show is made to teach eating healthy, exercising, and getting to sleep on time. I get less than 8 hours of sleep, rarely exercise, and eat junk food. I do sorta feel bad about it, though. Also, since we're talking about LazyTown. I'll link you to a LazyTown wallpaper. https://www.google.ca/search?q=lazytown+wallpaper&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQ6cGZn-3bAhVMxYMKHV5uAekQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=918#imgrc=7v4W3ntw0PJSoM: Also, because Pixel's computer runs on Linux (specifically a distro based on Debian) I like to emulate the linux terminal using Gow, Ubuntu on the Windows store (requires a 64 bit processor and Windows subsystem for Linux ), Cygwin (I quit using Cygwin because it takes up too much space) and CMDer. I also use Syn Virtual Assistant to talk to my computer (I ask it if I want to do things and try to get it to answer for me. LOL. Not so clever of me, huh? And even more unclever of me. I actually use a website to look at hidden cameras. Because I feel like Pixel is a spy because he has antennae cameras that reach all of LazyTown that he keeps on. Many LT fans believe that Pixel is more of a spy than Robbie is with his periscope. Anyway. Here's the LazyTown episode Sleepless in LazyTown (and no the plot is nothing like Sleepless in Ponyville) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZoV-7HJQls And here's a picture of Pixel. https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/lazy-town4817/images/e/e8/Nick_Jr._LazyTown_Pixel_1.png/revision/latest?cb=20161218032911 And by the way, I'm not gonna link you to the hidden camera page. Instead, I'll link you to a Google search page that includes the link. https://www.google.ca/search?q=insecam Mahahahahahahahahahaha. See, if Robbie Rotten can record all of LazyTown, he's more of a villain than Robbie is. Oh, and I'm getting off topic. I am very very sorry. Please don't get me in trouble. Anyway, what's the least amount of sleep you've gotten? Oh, and the video doesn't show up unless you put the link on the bottom, so here it is.
As I type this, it is 3:40am. I should be sleeping. But I am not. I'm eating Thin Mints between cigarettes. It's a bad habit; never pick it up. Sometimes I wonder why the more dangerous things are perfectly legal and other things that shall not be named are not. The husband (Bryan) and I figured out at our old, old house that smoking inside is horrible. We didn't have kids then, so we were fine with killing our own lungs. The smell still gets stuck in fabrics and white walls end up looking yellow with time. Now we're mostly outside smokers. It's only the beginning of May and already we're in the 90s in the afternoon. It makes for crappy, hot days but it feels wonderful at night. We've been in this place just a little over 8 months. It's easy to keep track of because we moved in exactly two weeks before my newest (Elena) was born.on a 1st of the month. The place is really a shit hole, but we're working on something new every week to make it feel like a home. It's close to the family I like and right down the road from where I spent my high school years. It's out in almost the middle of nowhere. Twelve minutes from real down and about eight minutes from the part of town that you only go to if you have to. It's actually bigger than the place we moved from but the layout makes it seem smaller. But hey, I'll take the front and back deck, an actual yard, the gorgeous garden tub, and extra bedroom that is supposed to be a nursery. I'm idealistic, what can I say? The bassinet ended up staying in our room and the little sneak somehow managed to end up sleeping in our bed with us. A king size bed and Bryan and I both are reduced to about a two-foot space because Ms. Wiggleworm always ends up sideways and splays out like a cat so one of us is getting punched in the ribs and the other is getting kicked in the back. Even though it alternates, I'm usually the one getting kicked. Though, right now she is being adorable and making me realize why I don't mind her in the bed. Her head is resting in the crook of my arm and her little fingers are tangled in my shirt. Never rent from family by the way; it leads to awkward conversations about who is responsible for what. After the first month or so, those conversations fade away because you realize they are doing you a favor. I mean, seriously, two months before Elena was born, our management company changed and rent would go up $100 a month and they were instating a no pet policy. We were scrambling. Apparently, everything you learn as a kid about money is wrong. Who uses cash anymore? It's all about plastic and balance transfers to make it look like you have more money. Buy what you can't afford and carry a balance on that card, but only a little one. And use some complicated mathematical algorithm to figure out the max you really have on each card, because even though you carry a balance, you can only use a portion of the card. It makes you look both responsible and needy at the same time to banks so they'll make your credit score go up. The Thin Mints are gone. Don't worry, it wasn't a whole box. Not even half a sleeve. One hour before alarms start going off. Two hours before I get the oldest (Ariana) up for school. She's freaking out about being tested for O.E. and gifted classes. She's too much like me. If ADHD and anxiety incarnate. Left to her own devices, my second grade (at the time) kid was reading chapter books that my sixth-grader cousin was having trouble with. She might not have known how to pronounce the words right, but context clues gave her the meaning. And if it didn't, who cared? There was always the next sentence. But try to get her to spell out words? Hell, sitting down was the biggest accomplishment. Ask her to tell you what a story about a dog was about and she'd end up talking about birds. And math? I'd rather jump off a cliff. I tried to deny it but I saw the signs since Pre-K. Husband fought against me for getting her tested and seeing what other options there was beside medication. Those helped, but didn't help enough. I got a little less "pills are horrible!" when I had to start taking them for seizures. I'm fine with adults taking mood stabilizers, but kids? I couldn't ever see it... until I did. We tried the smallest dosage of the weakest medicine possible. The day of the math part on one of the bigger standardized tests, I picked her up from school and asked her how did it go and she said it went great. "I could concentrate so much better! I didn't know I had it in me, Mom!" That did it. I mean, I'll admit, I'm a little biased because she's my daughter, but I look at her and see this amazing, intelligent, astoundingly creative ball of endless potential. She is seriously good at anything if she actually puts her mind to it. Like, she's only just turned nine and has like, no less than ten "hobbies" that she excels at. Let's see. There's gymnastic, dance, chorus, gardening, all things fashion (designing, details, sewing), jewelry making, swimming, track, writing, drawing, already learning basic computer coding?!... and I know she's gorgeous. I've turned down about five people who've actually approached me to sponsor her for pageants, have her model custom dresses, photography ads. I want her to know she's beautiful but I don't want to put a crazy amount of emphasis on it. So I let her do one, maybe two, things every couple of years. The dress modeling was her favorite because she got to keep them. And I liked the lady even more because she was a small time designer so she actually let Ariana design her own once and helped her make it. But yeah, anyways... all of that and she tells me she didn't know she had it in her to do well on a math test, or felt like she did well when it was a skill she used all the time without realizing it. I guess it is different if the math is incorporated into something you want to do versus having to do it in school. But we'll go through the standard morning routine whenever important tests come up. I get up early, or in this case, just stay up all night to make her two eggs, lightly scrambled with milk and cheese in the eggs, two slices of bacon, and two waffles that she will later fashion into a peanut butter and honey sandwich. I'll try to sneak in a random review, which she will call me on and complain about, then go into meltdown mode until I start to get frustrated and tell her to go to her room to calm down. She'll come out dressed and ask me to do her hair. She'll apologize for freaking out. I'll accept her apology and tell her I understand for one because I went through it, and second because we do this same dance every time. She'll ask me "Really?" and I say yes and go back to something she said or did at a previous time, or point out what was on tv when she fussed about going to her room. She'll remember. We'll get in the car and I'll drop her off, wish her well and she'll say thank you and want extra hugs and kisses for good luck. I'm on the "Awesome Mom" level of the Soccer Mom type circut, so she doesn't care if people see really though she may grumble about it a little and THEN whisper her quite "love you too" as she walks off. So now it is 4:53. I've gone out to smoke twice. That's why this may seem all disjointed and rambling. I'm going to try to cat nap before the alarm. Today I'll actually get a character or two up... maybe one of the stories from Tall Tales. I'll need to find someone to do a cutie mark for Anaphora. The Twilight Sparkle of Tall Tales, who will not be acsending to an alicorn, just discovering the nature of Equestria with her weird special talent that I'm not even sure what it is really. She's Ariana's character really. I just put the world together.
Disclaimer: The first couple sentences here started out as if I was just going to make a status update about this. Then, of course, I realized I had a lot to say. So, I decided to make a blog. Whoa. Uh... This is hard to describe, but... This song just gave me a sort of "situational nostalgia" - I remember listening to it a long time ago one night when I had insomnia. And this feeling I have... makes me kinda want to be able to remember what I was feeling when I had insomnia. Yeah, I know - that's weird. But, even though insomnia sucks, there's something ironically pleasant about the odd flow of neurochemicals after being awake for way too long. And as time goes on as you stay awake, feelings start to change. Note: This might get confusing. Don't worry, it's not your fault. I tend to go overboard in my explanations sometimes. But just keep reading, the last part isn't so bad. For clarity’s sake; what is insomnia, in layman’s terms? The inability to sleep that causes you to stay awake. For some people, their insomnia is a repeating illness; legitimate, diagnosed insomnia. There are probably many causes of this, and so it may differ from person to person. For other people, insomnia is random. It doesn’t happen all the time. And then, all of a sudden it hits them. Discrepancy clarification: “Staying up all night” is not insomnia. If one chooses to keep him/herself awake, for whatever reason, but yet still retains the ability if he/she so pleased to fall asleep, that is not insomnia. Insomnia necessitates that one is under some kind of stress that disables them to fall asleep. Insomnia keeps people awake that truly want to sleep, but cannot. I have the pseudo-insomnia, as it would randomly occur in college some nights. I wanted to sleep, but my mind and body just wouldn’t shutdown. Luckily I haven’t had insomnia for a long time. But anyway, as someone who has had… Oh, if I were to guess, I ‘d say around 10 to 15 instances of it in college in the past two years, give or take a little… I can tell you, (whether or not the insomnia is random or reoccurring), there is one good and one bad type of insomnia; this is because, there are two kinds of numbness sensations, one good and one bad. Here’s where stuff gets tricky. I can describe those two forms of numbness, but I can’t tell you which of the two is the good one, and which is the bad one. I’ll explain more about why momentarily.* One. The textbook, literal numbness – a lack of feeling and sensation. You can’t tell that you are numb because you can’t tell that you are not able to feel. Two. The paradoxical numbness – a sensation that mimics the normal numbness, except, you can feel it. Somehow you can feel a feeling that isn’t real; a pseudo-feeling. *The reason why has to do with the relations among “Mental/Emotional/Physical” states of being. Which category does insomnia stem from? Or, does it stem from multiple? How does it work? The answer is: it depends. Now, I will tell you that when you are stressed out, all of the categories are effected. However, there must be a special reason beyond stress alone to initiate insomnia. You can be stressed out in all categories and have the opposite effect of insomnia – a fatigue that makes you even more able to sleep because you have no energy. So you see, insomnia’s special reason for initializing is that something happens with the neurochemicals in the brain that gives you too much energy to be able to fall asleep, despite being totally exhausted. A reserve of energy that seems impossible because you think that you should be out of energy. You think you’ve used it all up. But yet, like magic, you just can’t fall asleep. With that being said, let me now dive further into speculation, based upon my own experiences.* *I’m not an expert; I’m not a doctor. I can only tell you how my own insomnia experiences have worked. Therefore, my explanations below may or may not be how others feel about their insomnia experiences. I’ve said there are two kinds of numbness, and I’ve said that the categories of “Mental/Emotional/Physical” are related in some way. I also said that this gets tricky to understand once you dive further into how it works… What exactly do I mean by that? A paradoxically reversed cause and effect. One of the kinds of numbness is caused by the physical category [via physical stress]. The other kind is caused by the mental/emotional categories [via mental/emotional stress]. Their effects are upon their opposites; physical stress causes mental/emotional numbness – and mental/emotional stress causes physical numbness. Now getting trickier: How do those two versions of stress-induced numbness relate to whether the numbness can, or cannot be felt? It is possible to only have one – it is possible to have the one other – and, it is possible to have both versions of stress-induced numbness at the same time. Yet, despite that meaning there are 3 possibilities, there are only two versions of insomniac numbness – good or bad. Remember how I said I can’t tell you which version of numbness – inability to feel, and ability to feel – is the good one, and which is the bad one? That’s because of this: 3 possible instances of cause, but only two resulting effects… Therefore, we have a problem. 1. Physical stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad? 2. Mental/Emotional stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad? 3. Both physical and mental/emotional stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad? And so, in order for me to be able to tell you for certain which version of numbness I originally referred to when I said I have situational nostalgia – the one that I like (ergo, the good one) – I would have to figure out this: If A. 1 and 2 are felt; if B. 1 and 3 are felt; if C. 2 and 3 are felt; if D. only 1 is felt; if E. only 2 is felt; if F. only 3 is felt. That is 6 cases. Only one case may be true – the rest must be false. And, each case has an unwritten inverse truth – that the numbers (1 through 3) not described in that case are not felt. Then, I’d have to figure out if that one true case is the case I am referring to as the good one, or if it is the bad one. Do I think I can figure this out? Maybe. But to do so, I can tell you right now that I would have to take a shortcut based on a mere whim, and that I would be figuring out the above questions through backwards logic – finding the answer before the question, rather than after. My whim is this: I know that during both instances of insomniac numbness, I am either functioning consciously, or I am “autopiloting” – ergo, functioning subconsciously. (Functioning as in, being awake). I believe that the good version of insomnia is where I am conscious, and thus not autopiloting. Therefore, I believe that the version of numbness that is good (because it is the effect of the good version of insomnia) is the version of numbness that you can feel. The pseudo-sensation of numbness that can be felt; can be perceived. Hence, the version of numbness that is bad is that which cannot be felt; a lack of feeling. Why do I think that? When one is conscious, one can feel. When one isn’t conscious – when one is subconscious (“in autopilot”), one cannot feel. I think that the good version of insomnia is where you can feel the pseudo-numbness because I know that whenever I have had insomnia, there has been a predictable pattern of consciousness; a predictable pattern of subconsciousness. The pattern is this: As time goes on while one is staying awake due to insomnia, one continues to use up sources of energy to remain conscious. Once those sources have gotten to the point where they are near depletion, one slips into the state of his subconscious. The brain causes this “slip” from being conscious to being subconscious because it is trying to keep you… alive. Yeah. I know. That’s a scary thought. Insomnia disables one from sleeping, and once a person becomes deprived of sleep long enough, the mind/body starts using alternative sources of energy to stay not only awake, but to stay alive. Additional information: Normally, there are certain neurochemicals that flow during wakeness, and then there are certain ones that flow during sleep. In a healthy person that is not suffering from insomnia, the neurochemicals for wakeness will stop flowing when the neurochemicals for sleep start flowing. Basically, if one switch is on, the other is off. This may be a surprise to you, as you may have figured there was only one switch that if on it meant awake, and if off meant asleep, but that isn’t so. There are two switches, and that is what enables insomnia to exist. Remember, when I say “switches” I’m referring to the flow of wakeness and of sleep neurochemicals. Insomnia occurs because the wakeness “switch” doesn’t turn off when the sleep “switch” turns on. Insomnia, therefore, means both switches are on. And thus, as time goes on, insomnia can eventually turn into a state of being where one feels as if one is both awake and asleep at the same time. When that occurs, one is functioning subconsciously “in autopilot,” and that means one’s overall health is greatly at risk. It is quite possible that a person could suffer some substantial issues if sleep cannot be had soon once the “slip” from conscious to subconscious occurs. Luckily, of all the times I’ve had insomnia, only a couple have I went into the subconscious, “autopilot” mode. And even then, I was able to fall asleep quickly enough after that to save from having health issues. Well, this was a long ass blog. Lmao. Thanks for taking the time to read it, if you got this far. If any of you have similar feelings; or if any of you have had insomnia before, please comment your thoughts on what I’ve said. I’m interested in seeing what you have to say. Thanks, ~ Miles