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Over the last two years I've had a lot change about my life. I found out how little my two 'best friends' really cared about me, and I got some new friends who are much closer to me. I've had a total shift in my outlook on life, and my taste in music has changed completely. I also discovered my talent and love of entertainment and broadcasting, especially in the form of live streaming games. I've finally realized why I do the things I do, why I act how I act. I like to see people entertained, and if I can make them laugh even a little I feel like I'm making the world that much of a brighter place to live. I don't care that I only have 2 or 3 people who watch me regularly, if those two people are having a good time then so am I. And all this change started with a simple sentence: "Hello everyone, my name is Fractal Moon and you're watching the MVHS Esports Loser's Bracket." I remember that November day like it was yesterday, despite it occurring more than two years ago. A friend had sent me a link to something called the 'MVHS High School League of Legends tournament' in hopes that I could help him form a team to represent our school. I wound up being unable to participate in that tournament because I was incapable of meeting the entrance requirements, but I arranged with the tournament's host to be able to broadcast the loser's bracket. So I took my crappy headset and joined the first game. That's when it finally dawned on me, I was about to make a fool of myself in front of anyone who was watching. I had little to no experience in broadcast media, and I was all alone in a field where having two people was almost mandatory. It was just me and my almost obsessive knowledge of the game quickly explaining what was happening in game, desperately trying to stave off a blue screen of death, and trying to keep my audience entertained. After the first game I became comfortable, I started interacting with people, and I started having fun. Unlike my normal, somewhat annoying self, Fractal was an interesting person. He was the person I always wanted to be, but never could be. After that day I realized that I was decent at live streaming, and I decided that I would do my best to improve my quality. And I found that I was becoming more like Fractal in real life. Since then I haven't found the opportunity to stream much, but I still try to whenever I can. The time I tried to make my usually disjointed streams a regular event that people could follow, I had grades drop on me like a ten-ton badger. I'd love to start again some time, but sometimes I wonder if all the people who said I was entertaining were just being nice. That's always been my flaw, I'm always worried that people are just being nice to me because they think it would be wrong to insult the kid who may or may not have something wrong with him and just wants to make people laugh. So to end this already overly long post, I'd like to ask all of you candidly, do you actually like me or are you just nice to me because you think it would be rude to tell me that I'm an annoying jerk who thinks too much of himself? -Fractal
At night, I go outside and watch the sky. With a glance, I see the stars, the Moon, and an airplane. I spot Mars, Jupiter, the arm of the Milky Way. I witness satellites, comets, asteroids, the children of Ptolemy. I see bedtime stories, dreams, wishes made in vain. I see faces of friends and of family, the memories of us living our lives, the waning promises I made to each of them, and my fears that greet me alone when I sleep. At night, I gaze into the sky and I see worlds that once were, and one that may never be.
alright people, hear me out. i am in a terrific mood today, maybe because of the wonderful winter weather kicking in. and when the snowy weather kicks in, my mind races towards one specific thing: Mayhem's album Eggs And Other Songs. ---------------------------------------- now, i know this might seem like blog-worthy material, and not much to warrant a thread, but i think it's important for everyone here, mostly the new members, to understand part of my past before i arrived to where i am today. thus, a thread would warrant the most interest to people, as it'd remain the most active to forumites' eyes. anyway, a bit of background story; as you all may or may not know, i am extremely into music. and when i say extremely into music, i'm talking about 700+ gigabytes of music and a whole room's worth of it, too. what you may not know, though, is that everything before the first quarter of 2011, i was not that into music at all! in fact, i was extremely into games then, and wanted to program my own games until it all shifted around. good times in itself, but also very dark times. why? because... i was extremely depressed. when? back in late 2010, the autumn of it, until said quarter of 2011. at that time, i had hit an all-time low. i was extremely down, berated myself daily, didn't go to school for weeks, had suicidal, hell even homicidal thoughts. you might not have recognized much of my behaviour back then. how did it all change? well, for starters, i went to this now (thankfully) horrible forum called YoshiArt Forums, YAF for short. a couple members here originally came from there, most notably @Feather Spiral and @Feld0. yes, you heard that right. Feld0. thanks to the horrible degrading community there, he decided to do better than YAF and went on to create The Feldian Network. only good thing to come out of that wretched place! well, not the only good thing. another good thing happened, albeit a more personal one. you see, YAF wasn't as bad when i first joined it. sure it had its flaws, but what forum doesn't? anyway, i grew accustomed to there, and opened up a lot. including my then depressive side. i let out absolutely everything to the community there. a frail call for help, to get me out of the wretched clutches of depression. but no one answered. no one! no one fucking cared that i was destroying myself from the inside, and wanted to get rid of it. everyone but one person, one person, helped me get through it: Feather Spiral. he was the ONLY member on that forum that had the decency to fucking PM me and ask how i was doing, offered help, just showed overall CONSIDERATION towards how i felt. it was great, so great, to have someone care so deeply about me back then. anyway, i'm rambling. point is, he offered help, but i said no, because i thought it would get better... it didn't of course. it took me til late January to finally get i needed help, and then told him some extremely dark stuff... something i don't want to mention here. also around that time, i had discovered something else: music. or rather, a song that was playing in a gameplay video. what song you may ask? THIS song: after searching the song up, i was... amazed. enamored. just how wonderful i thought that particular song was... i had never quite felt that way before. and this is were it's getting better. i told Fissy (my petname for FS) about said song, and i said i wanted to buy the album it was on (Squaredance). but i was afraid to tell my dad because, well, i had never bought any music before! and i am always awkward about new things. anyway, i manned up and told him i wanted to buy the album. and suddenly my depression was gonna start to fade away. buying Squaredance was one step in the right direction, but there was another one that burst me out of depression completely: Eggs And Other Songs. when i had heard, and bought, said album, i thought it was the best album ever made. and i am still under that impression. why? because of several things coinciding at once: - it's the album i have listened to the most under any period of time and like ever. - it was nice, white and snowy outside. i started to actually walk around outside, because i found enjoyment doing so to that album. that album was my winter soundtrack. - it was unlike anything i had ever heard before, and still is. it's the perfect mix between Mayhem's old synth-pop style, a bunch of cool remixes on it, genre-mashing styles with other aliases the artist uses, perfect flow... it's the BEST album ever made, because it's flow is perfectly coherent. - i got more and more into music, and this album + some songs from Squaredance lifted me up wherever i went. - etc. etc. long story short, Eggs And Other Songs became the soundtrack of my revitalization. and with that, plus the close contact i ended up getting with Fissy, i burst out of my period of depression. it made me consider a whole lot of new things, like complete shift and renewal of interests: music came into my life, then digital art, photography, writing, etc. it made me do a lot of things i never thought i would ever enjoy: going to the mall to shop, talk to my parents, walk outside when the weather is nice and listen to music. it made me find out who i really was! it made everything make so much sense! this was ME, Viscra Maelstrom! and i was happy with that guy, not berating him! even nowadays, when it's snowing outside, in the middle of noon, walking through the wintersy landscapes, with no particular goal in mind, i still listen to this album. and i love it just as much everytime. it never gets old. why would the album that became the soundtrack of my own upbringing ever get old, for? ---------------------------------------- and that, MLPForums, is why i still think that Eggs And Other Songs is the best album ever made. you might never understand why i think such a simple synth-pop album is the best thing ever, but i hope that, at least, by reading this thread, you can get a bit of a behind the views outlook about my choice of best album. because, it truly is one of the things that made me turn into who i am today.