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Found 20 results

  1. ... ... ... I HATE this feeling. As many times as I've seen others here wallow in sadness & misery, I think it might be okay to vent here for a bit; not like I'm saying or doing anything original with this, after all. And, before I begin, this is NOT a cry for attention, a self-harm warning OR any kind of declaration of 'leaving' these wonderful forums... so no worries, fellow Ponyites - I just need me some good ol' fashioned whine-time. *ahem* USELESS. WORTHLESS. SHAME. ANGER. DESPAIR. LOSS. AGONY. TEARS. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. ... ... ... suffering daily has become more of a norm for me this past month than I'm comfortable with. Sure, I have my moments - we all do - but this moment has stretched out for over a month now, and I am SO sick & tired of it. I feel it creep up on me in the morning, sideswipe me in the afternoon, and unexpectedly slap me across the face in the evening; that's not even mentioning the occasional sucker-punch that comes at random during the course of my waking hours. WHY am I so upset? I won't relate that publicly; those who I've told know, those who I haven't... well, they probably shouldn't know, and it's not something I'd find appropriate to mention during this holiday season. I do believe in merriment for the holidays... which is why I'm just not going to say it here. But the sheer weight of my hurting has reached the level where I have actually found it necessary to blog about it - and speaking about your pain without naming it... well, it's HARD. WHY do I keep finding all these rocks of pain in the shoes of my existence? Can't I simply forge ahead & pretend it doesn't even exist? I mean, you see folks do it all the time on TV, in movies and books, in those crappy little self-help books - so why is it so fucking difficult for ME to actually accomplish? Not only that, but my music... my sweet, sweet music... Even THAT hurts me now, with certain tunes I used to tell myself I'd never truly understand. Music has been an ENORMOUS part of my life for such a long, long time - since I was old enough to remember - and now it feels as though even my fantasy-escape into music can't help me for long; it always comes back to THOSE songs... and I now understand & feel them more than I ever thought possible. And it SUCKS ASS. Every moment, I have been blasted with my sorrow... which occasionally becomes anger, or hate, or spite, or even outright rage... and it feels as though it will NEVER end. Now, I know I won't feel like this forever. I am well aware that I'm simply hurting, and with time & patience, the pain will lessen, become more manageable, and be just another thing I sigh over when I'm by myself. I'm not going to end my life just because I feel bad right now - that's not only a foolish thing to do, but it also snuffs out any hope, or change, or growth that I might gain from it all. And far be it for me to gush on & on about how 'no one understands' or 'nobody loves me' - I KNOW folks DO care, and to say those things makes a mockery of the affection & concern they've shown me... so there's no reason for me to claim that I'm unloved. I know folks care - it just doesn't stop the pain, sometimes. Maybe THAT is why I'm venting here: I feel PAIN, and even after talking with others, it just needs to be somewhere besides my own noggin... so, my thought? If I pour it out onto something else, I can lessen its' impact on my brain, heart & soul - which, in turn, will allow me to heal just a bit more, a bit further, a bit quicker than if I didn't say a single word. PAIN SUCKS. I have always disliked pain; pain of loved ones, pain of others, pain of self. Pain, though a necessary part of living, takes so many forms, it would be ludicrous to attempt to list out every example, and stupid of me to think of trying to... there's not enough space on the Internet to hold a list of every pain that can possibly be; it's too much. BUT... As human beings, we have a number of options as to how to not only deal with pain, but LIVE with it. Distractions such as zombifying medications, topical books written by smug-looking 'gurus', errant shock comedy, illicit substances and the ever-spinning train of alcoholism are just a few of the ways folks can make the pain lessen... but the grand idea of making pain obsolete is a lie, a sham and an outright fib, all rolled into one. DEALING WITH YOUR OWN PAIN IS NECESSARY TO GROW. I feel like I have to tell folks this fact all the damned time... and a number of them not only don't get it, but they REFUSE to; they would rather fall back into the habit of seeking attention than to face their pain & understand it. And when people understand their pain better, they don't suffer as much & learn to get through the brunt of it more efficiently & quickly. It's not a catch-all cure - it's just a part of being mature enough to accept that there WILL be pain... but you don't have to FALL to it. Pain hurts. Hurts so bad I sometimes wonder if it will EVER end. But I know that it won't be this difficult everyday... and someday, hopefully soon, I'll get through the worst of it, and it will simply be a scar on my heart. An UGLY scar, perhaps... But a scar is a mass of healing... and it means my soul won't bleed forever. I'll be okay... eventually... so don't cry for me; I'm doing enough of that on my own. And each tear I shed washes away at least a tiny portion of pain from me, so tears are okay. ... ... ... thank you, one and all, for your time, your concern, and your love. Excelsior, friends.
  2. Stardust*

    Brick Wall

    There is only so much that one person can take. The pain that you must endure is something that cannot be measured. It is something only you can feel inside, only something that you are going to be the judge of. You can never be who you truly want to be because there is always someone in the way making it hard for you to break through. This is how walls are built. This is how distrust is made. This is how you feel so alone because you can never let the wall down to let others in. Once you start to chip away at the wall, it ends up collapsing on top of you. Crushing any hope that you had, and then comes the project to fix that broken piece of you again, but because you are all alone, it can take forever. You look down one side of your wall and you see holes in it from all over. You look down the other side, it is almost mirrored. All of those gaps are when you felt vulnerable and you were wanting someone to just be able to see who you are, and each and every time it shattered into a million pieces. And each and every time you are left to try and pick up the pieces. By the time you have mended all of the holes you think you are safe. You think that things are going to be okay, you have to pretend. You have to put on that mask each and every day to just make it back to your fortresses. You make sure that others see that everything is fine on the outside so that they don't start trying to chip away at your wall. So you don't have to be back in that same position all over again. Alone you reinforce that wall with mortar crafted from tears. You harden the bricks with the sadness you feel. Eventually you finally run out of tears, the amount of pain you feel just floods over you and you just wish desperately you could cry and let it out. You wish you could just let it all out so you could just feel better, even by a little bit. It's at this point that you have successfully become something that you never thought possible. You have become that person behind that mask. You are the thing that people see, that fake smile, that forced laugh, that conversation that you had a million times that you have it memorized from start to end. The same one every time, and it's so surprising that people can't even tell because you know they don't even care, they are doing it for the same reason, just to hurry up and move on. Not a single person to go to because they all "know" you are fine. How can someone who is so happy and put together be sad? How can they have issues, they are so helpful and always in a good mood. Little do they know that every second of every day they are screaming at you to notice that they are not okay. To notice that they are experiencing such pain that they don't know how to express it. There is so much that needs to be said but because there is never that conversation, everything stays hidden. Living that Facebook Life that you post about. Losing faith in humanity because everyone is so busy with their own lives and how they can step on the little guy faster just to make their way up, that they can't even see what is in their face. Some may be asking why can't you just open up and admit it. Because of the beginning, when you had let someone in, to try and have someone understand what was happening. To try and be honest about how things are going. About being vulnerable. Then realizing that said person was only doing it out of pity. They never really cared. Why would you want to continue to try and open up to people that you think you can trust only to be pushed aside like yesterdays take out. How can you even begin to trust again, especially when your deepest feelings and emotions get made fun of? How can you move forward and just say "Oh, it was just so and so, the next person will be different" When you have no one to confide in because you have pushed so many people away.... You begin to question every motive of every person. You look for every bad quality so you can break the ties much quicker than they can be bonded. Because your anxiety thrives on making someone out to get you when all they are trying to do is get to know you. But when they stop talking to you for a while you start to think that you have done something wrong. The cycles repeats, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain. Maybe one day it will stop. Maybe one day there will be that person, that perfect soul that can see through the mask, that can pull back the curtain without tearing down the wall completely, but slowly chip away and continue until it is in ruins, and still be there even when the shattered shell of a human being is left there trembling. Afraid to come into the sun, afraid to move past the rubble of the four walls. One day that person will have enough strength to carry you into the light, and to be with you each step of the way building back up who you are. Finding all of those lost pieces, rediscovering who you were and who you are meant to be. Until then, those four walls are as close as you come to comfort.
  3. Before I start, no, this doesn't have to do with my XBOX. I just named it "XBOX FEET GRINDER" because "meat" rhymes with "feet". A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... I broke my feet. Well, not exactly "broke", but pretty close. So a while back, just about half a month, I had to get some ID Card things done so I could go traveling for the summer. Now, the office was a good half mile or so and even though the weather was scorching hot, I figured I'd be able to slip by without a problem. No, that wasn't the case. The real issue was that I was wearing flip-flops, and by experience, you can't run with flip-flops. That was out of the question. Being the gullible pony-loving kid I was, I took off my shoes and decided to run as fast as I possibly could on the burning hot pavement. The first few hundred meters were fine, slapping my feet against the hot concrete so I could get a good running speed while maintaining a decent temperature at the bottom of my heels. How's my running? It's fine, really, it is. At least, it was until a sharp pain burst from below. I toppled over, rolling down a hill at the same speed I ran. Finally returning home, I sought to see the damage done. Upon my feet were the largest blisters I'd ever encountered. Three pockets of air, about the size of a half-dollar, sat swimmingly upon both feet (six in total). I squinched, being locked outside my own door and suffering with fried feet while having to perform, what I called, surgery on the blisters that haunted me. I had no knives or scissors at my disposal, so I used my recently clipped nails to cut a hole in the skin, washing it down with a garden hose afterward. But the burning pain still wouldn't be comparable to when I applied the alcohol. Eesh. I got over it in a few weeks, which; by that time, I was in the states, hobbling around my vacation like some kind of zombie who got ripped out of Konami's Metal Gear Survive (What a fresh meme). Lesson of today is to not drink and drive while cutting holes in your heels. Seriously, don't do it. -RealityPublishing
  4. What has been the most (physically) painful experience of your life?
  5. This is something that is personal to me, and I believe many others may need to hear this as well, for it is something that can torture and give the worst types of emotional pain to us, both in public, and in secracy as well. Of course I am not asking for your secrets, but more for your ears in understanding. For many of us, the past can be of both joy, and as well, sadness. Some of us, or I would more beleive that all of us have done things in our past that we are not proud of. Some things that even a lot of us may feel so ashamed of or feel so badly about, that we can or do let it affect us now, and may never even tell another soul of. Its natural, but is it a good thing for us to do? Not exactly. I'm not asking for your big bad secret. I don't want to know what you did. If you wish not to tell, then not do so. If you feel you can and it will help, then do so. The choice is yours. But here is what is even more important than that. You must realize that no matter what you've done, it does not make up who you are now. You can be something better, and something more, just as you can be the complete opposite. Ask yourself what and who you want to be. Wish for it, think about how to make it a possibility. Can you do it? Yes you can. How much will it cost? No money. Just determination, and realization. Your past does not define you. You did what you did. Accept it. Learn from it. Forgive yourself. Then change. In which direction? Thats up to you. Which way do you choose to go?
  6. Hai, today I had my vaccinations (they hurt). I'm pretty confident with needles though; sure it hurts, but I'm not scared of them. I'm just curious, what does everyone else here think of needles? Scared of them, or don't mind them. - Mitchfizz05.
  7. My tooth hurts and I dont want to go to the dentist...
  8. Now I don't necessarily mean it in some weird masochistic way, just a thought that crossed my mind. I certainly don't mean it as a way to encourage anyone here to hurt themselves. I for instance like holding hot objects (not all of them mind you, i still want to keep my hands) - I got burned so many times that if i hold certain hot objects that others would avert their hands from immediately i would feel only a tingling sensation. Do you have any sensations that you enjoy for all the wrong reasons?
  9. This is a song I wrote 5 years ago.. please give it a listen.. I wrote it when I was really depressed and I think it is catchy.
  10. Aw the years, so many memories, So many drawings half drawn, so much paper half used, so many loves half loved. Where does the time go? Anyway, here's some older sketches that never came to be anything more then scribal on paper. ~Enjoy
  11. I hate getting bitten by ants they are so annoying but yet every time you scratch the part where the ant bit you it feels good same thing with chicken pox when I was a kid and had them I couldn't stop scratching myself cause it felt good and it help with the itching and the pain.. But why does scratching feels so good every time you scratch you're self but yet again it can be very dangerous to you if you do it a lot. Has any of you ever had any problems while scratching that you just couldn't stop cause it felt so good when you do it and what makes scratching feels so good when scratch you're self.
  12. Here's how you play: Search for your favorite show/movie/game and type "yaoi" beside it. Don't search "My Little Pony" or else you'll regret it. Just an FYI.
  13. How would you personally feel about killing a Pony? Knowledge of certain stories within The Conversion Bureau verse is required. In short non canon, genocidal Ponies invade our universe and Earth that wish to kill all Humans/turn them into zombie Newfoals, forcing Humanity to fight a brutal war of survival. I think I would feel extremely sad inside killing a Pony/fascist Pony, even if it was a mindless (possibly mind controlled) smiling zombie (not undead) minded (former Human) Newfoal. One I am not a soldier, (nor a bloodthirsty psychopath) meaning I would be poorly trained in using a gun nor would I have the psychological training to be desensitized to the point in order to take a life. I'm a Brony, so I guess I would especially feel sad taking a life of a being I admired and loved. Maybe, I'd get over it in time from killing the newfoal zombie charging at me. But deep down, I think my heart would be breaking that I'm forced to fight for my species' survival and kill someone that's a monster version of a being I loved. I guess, the thought of canon Ponies existing in the multiverse might give me some degree of determination. But I still think I would have psychological scars, I would never recover from killing a being I loved, even if it was a monstrous parody of it. Especially if it was a Newfoal child soldier, I think I cry my heart out that I killed a child, which would make me want to kill myself.
  14. First off, I just looked at my Pony Hypnosis blaug entry. Over 1,000 views. Well then. And, per usual, I am so exhausted that this will hopefully be brief. So today was the first track & field meet of the season. It was against two other schools, so nothing terribly intense. I was slated to run the 1,500m and the 4x400m. Ran exactly my personal record (PR) for the 1,500m (4:38), so hopefully I can drop down into the 4:20's by May. I was the first leg of our 4x400m team because I'm great on the starting gun. I felt like I was running insanely slow, but as I lay on the side of the track and slowly lost consciousness, my coach told me I ran a 54.7. That's a 2+ second PR off of my BEST time ever. And it is only the first meet of the season. Oh, and this 400-split was the fastest of all of the 4x400-splits for my school at this meet - including the four guys on the Varsity team. Yeah. Good day. Now I'm going to pass out on my keyboard. - Kolth
  15. I wasn't sure whether to put this in Life Advice or here...Still not sure this topic is in the right place. Anyway, yesterday I noticed my left foot kind of hurt. The pain is mainly in the ball of my foot, around the area just before my big toe starts. It hurts to stretch the toe upwards and to walk. It stops hurting only a little when I sit/lay down. The pain has gotten worse since yesterday and this morning I could barely walk. The pain seemed to lessen a little as the day progressed. I do not do any sports at all. I don't remember stumbling, tripping, or falling. There is literally no reason that my foot should hurt. It's not inflamed, it's not red, no other part of it hurts. Just the area immediately behind my big toe. I'm not really looking for someone to diagnose it (though you could try, if you're a doctor of some sort). But if anyone has ever had anything like this happen to them, please tell me what you did about it. I've looked pretty much everywhere and the only answer I could come up with was like sesamoiditis, but with sesamoiditis, the foot is swollen. So I'm turning to you guys.
  16. Sup everypony? So to put it bluntly... Have you ever stabbed yorself. If so how, was it by accident or on purpose (yes i am aware of those people) and how deep did you do it? I just accidentally stabbed myself in the hand and sweet celestia it hurt the blade went in about an inch not too far but it won't stop bleeding... uh oh. well lets hear your experiances. not too graphic please
  17. Blood by *Mini0909 - My longest work in a long time. The thorns of life, the rose filled bush. Slash and rip apart the flesh of us. It entwines our existence to suck dry. Feed upon our hopes and wishes. It’s poison scorching our veins. Leading to our heart, to destroy. These thorns prick holes, slowly. Deeper and deeper they dig. Corrupting the crimson essence. Green fills as the red fades. Another life lost to the darkness. The darkness, the thorns and roses. They dance a waltz through all time. Movement so slow and subtle. We could never know the pain. Fiercely and hungry, it sucks us dry. This eternal dance that we call death. Another force of existence to fear. It toys with us, plays us as puppets. Another love story it will corrupt. Life is merely for it to dominate. The shadows creep up a pillar. The pillar that is us, as we are. We know to fear and flee from it. Never known how to fight despair. Another fear to know and avoid. The thorny bush entwine the pillar. Ripping apart every hope of us. To hold up the world for us to live. And torn down by a force so strong. The shadow is fed by fear to kill. Rotten and torn apart, we stand. To struggle again for sake of none. A life not meant to be lived or enjoyed. The game only meant to entertain. To entertain anyone but us, the shadow. A chess piece to be moved around. We are but pawns to be sacrificed. In this endless board game we call life. The desire to end it all, to pierce the heart. Wishing only to end the pain we feel. One quick cut is enough to yield. To surrender in this game we play. A stab, a slash is all we ever need. Let the blood flow as a waterfall. A reminder, a memory to the next. We shed these tears, this blood. To tell that this is not worth it all. Surrender the game as it begins. Do not let it control you, do not. We beg of you, forget and forgive. Do as we, take the knife and cut. Add to our pool of pain and despair. Help us drown these thorns and roses. Let us kill the evil, the shadow of life. Tear it down and let us sleep together. Eternally we dream of a better place. Without pain, without troubles or hate. We need to build a wonderland. A place for us to seek and hide our hearts. Somewhere safe from the shadow. Another thorn for the collection. A prick of poison barely felt anymore. The blood, now drained and thin. We live on hopes of no existence. Seek the embrace of pain and fear. We have lost the game as it began. We have struggled in hope of winning. No goal to be found other than despair. The darkness wins to own entertainment. We need not fear anymore, just give up. Give up and jump, take the fall and hope. Hope that it will end it all and banish forever. To never again wake to play the game of life. Another dream of love that we might seek. Will never be found in this world we walk. Every step more painful than the previous. One more thorn to add to the roses. These roses that we find so beautiful. Holds the poisonous thorns that torture. These roses will be our long awaited death. Help me, to help us, to show the world. The signs of darkness we need to share. Open the eyes of those we love. Let them see that life is not worth the trouble. Learn to embrace death as I have. Help me, help myself, show me how to smile. Share with me why you want to live. I might learn to care again for us, for this. A need for you to see who I am, see my soul. Pull me away from the edge, the bloody knife. Prevent the cut, the stab, the waterfall. Pick up the pieces that is my heart. Care for us, for the world to see it all. That this is not worth living for, the pain. Let us create our wonderland for real.
  18. When you don't know how to feel, Just embrace the pain, And the hopelessness too. I want to feel this hope that'll rise again. You're with me right now, Believe it all. Hate me if you want, Screwing up shit is all I do. But you're with me right now, To change the whole world. The best reason why we're here Today and an eternity. We can cry, dream again, Dazzle and let it all go! There's nothing we can do But can't do in reality! What'll happen will happen, Being rash isn't an option. We're not perfect right now, Nor are we a dream. We're lonely right now, Feeling pain from long ago. The sharp stabs never end But are easy to endure. Other people will never know The ordeals and "love". Trapped in a bleak world Of dangerous black and white. We never find out The dreams of others, So fleeting right now. The long faces are so identical, Surrealistic even, with youth's glow. Link our hands together, Try to grin again, feel affection grow! I want to take a chance, Bring back your freedom, And show my love! You're always super-precious, Emotions can't describe, The vibrant colors and blurs That show in my love for you. A friendship's blossoming. Torn apart by a slip of words, I'm never letting go! The harsh truth will always End up with bitter tears. But, you will never know The other side's sweet pain. The lies that were told, Were all made for you. I want to save you from your emotional darkness, losing my sight in a blind hope. I don't want to hold on to him but I can't help it, I might be able to save you even if I don't.