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Found 18 results

  1. Anyone in school right now is probably experiencing some level of confusion, whether it’s dealing with online school or social distancing rules in actual school buildings. Whatever it is, it’s probably stressful, so that’s why I created this thread to talk about it. So, for those of you in school during 2020, how has it been for you so far? Are you stressed, anxious, or scared? Are you actually excited or looking forward to something? Feel free to discuss it all here! Might as well lay down a few rules before anyone starts: - If you need homework help, there’s already a separate thread for that. Talking about, for example, how homework is different for you now is completely fine. - If you want to vent, go ahead, but please do not discuss anything overly political or toxic. You are welcome to share your feelings, but let’s not start any fights! - Obviously the virus will be a big discussion topic in this thread, but like the above rule says, nothing too political is allowed or anything that would start a big fight. Just be mindful of each other and everything should be fine Now that all the rules are out of the way, feel free to share all your thoughts and experiences about the new year. It’ll definitely be different, but I believe in all of you! Good luck to all students this year!!
  2. I just need to vent about a few things right now. - I feel lonely. It’s so frustrating, I feel lonely but I don’t want to talk or be around to people. I’m not sure why it is that way, but it just is. I have online friends, but I still feel lonely. I had many real-life friends at college a few years ago, but I still felt lonely then. Also, I would love to have a girlfriend, but I don’t think any girls would be interested in me. I look unappealing and horrible, I rarely show my emotions and many of my emotions are dead, and I don’t talk much, so who would be interested in having a boyfriend, or even a just a friend, who is like that? - I hate jobs. They suck. How does anyone manage to work a job? I’ve worked a few jobs and I felt so miserable working them. Nowadays most jobs require people to do something that I am really terrible at doing, interacting with and talking to people. I can’t do that! Well, I can, but I often misunderstand and can’t hear people, and when I talk to people I find it hard to say some words and I frequently take short pauses because I can’t think about what to say fast enough. Also, talking to people makes me really anxious and stressed. Anyways, I can’t lift anything heavy because I’m not in shape. Problems with lifting heavy objects and talking to people severely limits the number of jobs I can apply to. And what also severely limits the jobs I can apply to is the experience requirement. Right now I’m unemployed, and I’m so discouraged about jobs that I’ve stopped applying to them entirely. I’d rather rot in my room than work a job. It’s not that I don’t want to work (I don’t want to do anything), it’s that I feel so demotivated and depressed that I can’t even get out of bed to eat lunch. - I feel demotivated. This is everyday that I have to put up with demotivation, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t have any willpower left to do anything, and I stay in bed almost half the day it’s that bad. I don’t even have any motivation to play video games.
  3. 2020, the year that's absolutely terrible but couldn't get any worse, right? source: Since 06/15/20, coronavirus cases per day have been vastly increasing in the USA. Yep, looks like a second wave of the coronavirus is heading my way. So much for "2020 couldn't get any worse". This year has been terrible. The coronavirus hit hard, so did the riots after George Floyd's death. As if that wasn't bad enough, I've had some bad things happen in my personal life. I was sent to the hospital for personal reasons and stayed there for almost a week, which means I have a huge bill heading my way that I might not be able to afford to pay off, so I might have to get a loan from the bank. The job I've been working for almost half of this year I've just recently quit because I wasn't able to keep up with its demands anymore, so that leaves me unemployed. And I'm still on anti-depressants because I still have depression. I really hate life.
  4. So this is the second time I quit a job. I actually worked only three jobs in my life so far, the first one I quit because it had harsh work conditions and the labor was too hard for me (they had me lifting 100 lbs. frequently), the second one I was laid off, and the third one I just recently quit because I couldn't keep up with the demands of the job (it demanded that I go extremely fast because it was assembly line work). Anyways, I stayed at this job for several months, but recently I noticed that they kept on telling me to go faster and that I couldn't work fast enough. So, I put in my two weeks notice to resign. I don't regret it either, the job was terrible as it had harsh work conditions like my first job, the leads would tell you to work harder and faster and if you didn't they would threaten to write you up, and the work was very boring, tedious, and repetitious. The only good things about it was that it was good pay and gave me experience on assembly lines. I was planning to switch to a certain job once I quit that one, but I haven't heard from them and it's been around two weeks or so since I last talked to someone from the job I was planning on getting. Since that didn't work out, at least not yet, now I'm sending in applications to other jobs. I'm running into numerous problems now though, it's getting close to the fall semester and I want to go back to college, but I have no idea what I want to aim for anymore, my motivation is dead, and I still have depression. If I get another job now, I might end up quitting it to go back to college, but I'm afraid I'll end up quitting college again as well because of my lack of motivation and direction. I used to want to be a computer programmer, but now I don't want to be anything. I wonder if it is just pointless to move on at all, I feel like nothing matters anyways. I'm confused, I have no idea what I believe anymore. I don't know who to trust. I used to be a Christian, but now I hate religion. I just want my life to end.
  5. Right now I feel extremely lonely, worthless, and demotivated. It happens a lot whenever I'm not busy. And this is really a problem I need a solution to, the fact that no matter how busy I get and no matter how much time passes, I always feel depressed whenever I stop to take a breath. It's like staying busy is only masking my problems, not helping them. I'm also having other problems right now, I want to go back to college and find a career but I don't know which one to aim for. I thought it would be something about computers, but being honest I've lost my love for them. I no longer want to be a computer programmer because I can't find any motivation, love, enjoyment, and enthusiasm for it. I don't know if my depression is causing me to feel that way or not, but I do know that is how I've been feeling about computer programming. Because of this, I can't find any career to aim for and I can't find a reason to go back to college either. Some people have given me the advice that college isn't for me and I should just stick with the job I have, but the problem is that all the jobs I've worked and the job I'm working are jobs that I don't like and have no passion for. This leads me to the conclusion that there is nothing for me in life and it makes me feel talentless and worthless. I know it's not healthy to think that way, but I can't help it because it seems very true with the way things are going for me. And I don't know what to do with loneliness. No matter how many people I make friends with, it never goes away. I try to think positive, but thinking positive has the same results as staying busy - it only masks my problems instead of helping them. As for medication, they don't help. I've been on them for a long time, yet they are also only masking the problem instead of helping it. It's like everything in this hell of a world I live in does nothing to help, it's like I'm permanently stuck this way. Every day seems unproductive, and whenever I do something productive I feel miserable. I just wish I was nonexistent, that would not only help my problems, it would get rid of them entirely.
  6. COVID-19 has messed things up for a lot of people. Normal life has been disrupted and it's time we all collectively vent our frustrations over it. So how has the Corona Virus screwed over your daily routine and future plans? For example: I only got to spend less than an hour at my local cafe before they told me that due to low turnout, they were now gonna close 3 hours earlier than normal. Meaning that they'll now close before I get off work for the foreseeable future. I was gonna see Brazilian metal legends Sepultura along with NOLA metal pioneers Crowbar and the reunited Sacred Reich. The tour has been postponed. I was also gonna attend my first All Elite Wrestling show on the April 1st. 2nd row VIP seats. The show has been rescheduled to the 28th. Of October. Speaking of wrestling. A crap ton of shows have been canned thanks to travel and public assembly bans. There's a real possibility that WrestleMania and all the indy companies and performers who get their huge paydays during that weekend might be postponed or canceled for the first time in it's history. Since I'll be travelling later this week, I now have to take extra precautions around planes and air ports because humans on the go are unsanitary, regardless of the circumstances. The stuff I as planning on doing during My Little Vacationtm in San Diego is now in jeopardy. Honorable mention to my dad who's already there and won't get to see his San Diego Padres on opening day due to the MLB season being suspended. How about you? What frustrations with COVID-19 would you like to get off your chest?
  7. ... ... ... I HATE this feeling. As many times as I've seen others here wallow in sadness & misery, I think it might be okay to vent here for a bit; not like I'm saying or doing anything original with this, after all. And, before I begin, this is NOT a cry for attention, a self-harm warning OR any kind of declaration of 'leaving' these wonderful forums... so no worries, fellow Ponyites - I just need me some good ol' fashioned whine-time. *ahem* USELESS. WORTHLESS. SHAME. ANGER. DESPAIR. LOSS. AGONY. TEARS. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. ... ... ... suffering daily has become more of a norm for me this past month than I'm comfortable with. Sure, I have my moments - we all do - but this moment has stretched out for over a month now, and I am SO sick & tired of it. I feel it creep up on me in the morning, sideswipe me in the afternoon, and unexpectedly slap me across the face in the evening; that's not even mentioning the occasional sucker-punch that comes at random during the course of my waking hours. WHY am I so upset? I won't relate that publicly; those who I've told know, those who I haven't... well, they probably shouldn't know, and it's not something I'd find appropriate to mention during this holiday season. I do believe in merriment for the holidays... which is why I'm just not going to say it here. But the sheer weight of my hurting has reached the level where I have actually found it necessary to blog about it - and speaking about your pain without naming it... well, it's HARD. WHY do I keep finding all these rocks of pain in the shoes of my existence? Can't I simply forge ahead & pretend it doesn't even exist? I mean, you see folks do it all the time on TV, in movies and books, in those crappy little self-help books - so why is it so fucking difficult for ME to actually accomplish? Not only that, but my music... my sweet, sweet music... Even THAT hurts me now, with certain tunes I used to tell myself I'd never truly understand. Music has been an ENORMOUS part of my life for such a long, long time - since I was old enough to remember - and now it feels as though even my fantasy-escape into music can't help me for long; it always comes back to THOSE songs... and I now understand & feel them more than I ever thought possible. And it SUCKS ASS. Every moment, I have been blasted with my sorrow... which occasionally becomes anger, or hate, or spite, or even outright rage... and it feels as though it will NEVER end. Now, I know I won't feel like this forever. I am well aware that I'm simply hurting, and with time & patience, the pain will lessen, become more manageable, and be just another thing I sigh over when I'm by myself. I'm not going to end my life just because I feel bad right now - that's not only a foolish thing to do, but it also snuffs out any hope, or change, or growth that I might gain from it all. And far be it for me to gush on & on about how 'no one understands' or 'nobody loves me' - I KNOW folks DO care, and to say those things makes a mockery of the affection & concern they've shown me... so there's no reason for me to claim that I'm unloved. I know folks care - it just doesn't stop the pain, sometimes. Maybe THAT is why I'm venting here: I feel PAIN, and even after talking with others, it just needs to be somewhere besides my own noggin... so, my thought? If I pour it out onto something else, I can lessen its' impact on my brain, heart & soul - which, in turn, will allow me to heal just a bit more, a bit further, a bit quicker than if I didn't say a single word. PAIN SUCKS. I have always disliked pain; pain of loved ones, pain of others, pain of self. Pain, though a necessary part of living, takes so many forms, it would be ludicrous to attempt to list out every example, and stupid of me to think of trying to... there's not enough space on the Internet to hold a list of every pain that can possibly be; it's too much. BUT... As human beings, we have a number of options as to how to not only deal with pain, but LIVE with it. Distractions such as zombifying medications, topical books written by smug-looking 'gurus', errant shock comedy, illicit substances and the ever-spinning train of alcoholism are just a few of the ways folks can make the pain lessen... but the grand idea of making pain obsolete is a lie, a sham and an outright fib, all rolled into one. DEALING WITH YOUR OWN PAIN IS NECESSARY TO GROW. I feel like I have to tell folks this fact all the damned time... and a number of them not only don't get it, but they REFUSE to; they would rather fall back into the habit of seeking attention than to face their pain & understand it. And when people understand their pain better, they don't suffer as much & learn to get through the brunt of it more efficiently & quickly. It's not a catch-all cure - it's just a part of being mature enough to accept that there WILL be pain... but you don't have to FALL to it. Pain hurts. Hurts so bad I sometimes wonder if it will EVER end. But I know that it won't be this difficult everyday... and someday, hopefully soon, I'll get through the worst of it, and it will simply be a scar on my heart. An UGLY scar, perhaps... But a scar is a mass of healing... and it means my soul won't bleed forever. I'll be okay... eventually... so don't cry for me; I'm doing enough of that on my own. And each tear I shed washes away at least a tiny portion of pain from me, so tears are okay. ... ... ... thank you, one and all, for your time, your concern, and your love. Excelsior, friends.
  8. I never figured I would write a Part 2 to my original blog post, but I got inspirations from a status written by @Kyoshi mentioning the need to leave home because life f***ing stinks, and it angers me to know it's my dad's fault.. Wrote a post of my own in reply (I meant not to impose, it did kind of sound that way, my apologies), and this will be the long version of it. At my house, it's gotten so bad that soon enough I'll have no choice but to move away from my dad. I think I could explain it like this: My dad is making things WORSE for me than they would be otherwise (aside from if I were homeless, but even then in a town of a couple thousand like S_____ where I live, being homeless doesn't necessarily happen because of the people). He's a big part of the reason I have less than $200 to my name right now, and even then most of that was from helping out my grandma with sorting through my great uncle's belongings (which yes, he was there also), or other things to that effect. I've only been able to hang on to it for so long because at least he's not that horrific at keeping himself afloat that he's going to take (technically not stealing, because he's the representative payee on the bank account) the rest of my money. I've been led to believe that in the first year since I graduated, he spent $10,000 of my own money, and it sickens me. Sure, it's understandable to have spent part of it to help me out, but... ALL OF IT? Where does it GO? Oh, yes. It goes towards his pigs, which is what I believe he spent my money on (most of which was from my mother's inheritance, which was INTENDED to buy clothes and groceries)... Now there's no internet, no air conditioning (which in Texas, is a NECESSITY in the summer months), little food to eat, nothing to drink except the tap water (that nobody else will drink because it makes them SICK), and an infestation of pests including mice, wasps, and spiders... He's had his pigs for 10 years now, and by my calculations, the pigs have somehow put him and everyone around him (including me) behind a grand total of $45,000, and that's just the PIGS... I never once saw any reason to really have faith in it, honestly. I knew better even as a kid than my dad did in his adulthood. He should have known that he was going to just put himself in serious debt, because he builds this elaborate pen for them, feeds them (which is a pretty huge operating cost) and they only get him about $300 a piece when he sells them. You can probably see the problem with that, considering he only sold a couple a month on a really good year... Which compares not to the amount of money he F***ING WASTED. Oh and he doesn't waste money, either. He also is FANTASTIC at wasting time, his and mine alike. He doesn't stop bothering me. He'll always be saying he needs to do something, but actually be doing nothing but harassing me and making stupid juvenile humor at my expense. This wastes my time because I can't work on what I need to be, and I'd probably have gotten my project stuff done at least a month sooner, if not longer. He always likes to start stupid discussions about Trump and how everyone lies about him. He's got a point, but it applies to BOTH sides. The side who hates him can't stop bashing him, and the side who will never be made to dislike him can't stop doing the opposite. And both constantly LIE for the sake of their respective agendas. This leads me to another problem I have with him: we're extremely incompatible. He and I are dissimilar people to such a degree that it makes him hard to live with. I like gaming and cartoons, while he has dumb reasons for hating both. He's a farmer (a bad one as I previously stated), while I don't really care much for farm work. His political views are far right, but mine are definitely a ways to the left (problem with somebody like my dad that can't listen to the other side of anything). He stays up until the wee hours of the morning watching TV and sleeps in front of it, but I usually prefer to sleep around 10. He likes the taste everything he grows in his garden, while there are a good few things I would prefer off the menu.... You get the picture. We are in (almost) no way compatible. All of this has been feeding my emotional and financial woes for a while now, and I'm getting sick of it. I really can't stay here. If I do, I'm more than likely going to kill myself. This is no threat, just an eventuality. My situation will get so bad, so hopeless, that I'll steal 40 or so Acetaminophen pills from the cabinet (that he takes for what are likely rheumatoid arthritis pains) and take them all. It would hurt other people's feelings, yes, but it would end the pain. It would end the suffering. It would end the feeling of being a burden to everyone else... It would end everything, and that would be much more preferable than dealing with this torment.
  9. As you know, we probably consume more media then we ever had before. Be it Video Games on our consoles/PC, be it movies on Netflix/Prime, be it the internet, etc. And considering we have all of that and considering it's so easy these days to communicate with others over all kinds of stuff, i am realizing that we totally forgot what it means to actually have a decent discussion about serious things happening in the world, without being put in a corner with people, that you rather don't want to be put with. It's something that dosen't just happen in communities that are mostly filled with people that are from the US, but also in german communities. We just recently had some bad protests here in Chemnitz over a week ago and no matter if you where left leaning or right leaning, both sides where instrumentalising these protests for their own gain and whenever you tried to talk reasonable with any of those people, you are either a stupid nazi who needs to die, or you are a stupid commie who needs to starve. I really hate the fact that these discussions turned into nothing more then a battle of absolutes, instead of both sides coming together and discussing what would be the best for everyone. The Internet has in some way poisoned us, because we forgot what it's like to talk with humans that you can touch, smell, see and you can actually predict. We only talk with letters and we can't see what the other side is looking like, so we just assume what these people look or sound like. That's why i don't wanna engage in any political topics here, because i know that i will just be put in a corner by the end of the day, since some of my opinions might not be loved by certain people here. End of my vent
  10. First off ask me anything, I have no secrets. Now the wall of text: This will serve as a general overview of my life up until this point as I see fit to reveal it. I am displaying it here for your inquiry and scrutiny. So a wee little me right? Like 1 years old it was 1998 and my ma is starting school to become a teacher in public schools. She is a foreigner on a green card. Her husband is a Chicago born 80s man who parties and loves his family something fierce. Their stories alone are actually extremely revealing as to my own but that will be seen as we go on. But yeah when I'm like 1, mad money is Rollin in. It's just baby me, my older bro is like 3 and ma is maybe 24, Pa maybe 25. They deal. They party a little. Ma is in college. Pa works for his dad's construction firm. 2 years old ma has a bad car accident and lives in an odd show of events. She lived because of not wearing her seatbelt at a heavy cost. She ran her car around a deer and into and a ditch, propelling it into the air and twirled and landed on it's roof (that's how ma tells it. Pa confirms.). Ma flies through the windshield and tumbles to the ground and my older brother, 4 years old is in his car seat in the back. This car skids on it's roof for another 50 meters or so before hitting a retaining wall for a curve and sliding downhill into a ditch. Interesting enough, my brother is fine. Just a bruised chest and a scraped knee. Ma is severely injured and lacerated by glass. The police were aware soon after and she was flown with my brother to the hospital. She was there for a few months and left barely able to walk. Took her the next year to get back to normal. So now I'm what, 3? Same stuff just no one getting hurt. Pa gets busted on a minor drug offense and gets probation. No big deal to be honest. So 4! Here we go, this is a good one. My 4th birthday. I wake up and open presents and I recall ma making an angry phone call. It's july 23rd 2001 (not a big deal the date but that's the date nonetheless). After presents ma breaks out a cake and me and my bro eat cake. My pa arrives around noon. Kinda like busts through the door, intoxicated to some degree (how certain varies by accounts). Ma n pa have a spat that becomes a fight that becomes a fist fight til ma stabs him with scissors. He throws her and drives off. Turns out he was back into dealing as well. Cops picked him up and he went to prison. Ma divorced him and took me and my older brother. She was still a drug addict and heavy alcoholic. A real 80s kinda chick. She still is in a way. So after that I won't see my dad til I'm 5 almost 6 and he's at a rehab center and I'm there for Easter egg hunt stuff. It was a religious event. I was actually rather religious as was my home at this time in my life. So i got this big basket full of eggs and i see this girl with no eggs and i give her some of mine and my pa never forgets it. It's odd to me actually. 6, so I'm in school in first grade. I'm a good reader and interested in art. I also like archaeology because dinosaurs. Ma has straightened up and married a sober dude who flunked out of the army. Spoilers: this guy is a bad dude. Regardless, I'm a weird little redneck kid who never wears a shirt and has super long polar bear blonde hair with all my baby teeth still in my head. But I'm also really good at school work, but terrible at interacting with people. They say I'm adhd. This'll be important later. So they give me Ritalin. Minimal dose for now. I am a rowdy kid. Sometimes violent. I do well in school though. 7, I continue to excel in school but have a slew of behavioral problems as I continue to have my dosage increased ever higher to 500mg twice a day. I also had bloodwork done. They think maybe I'm not adhd but they'll keep looking. The marriage between ma and this dude is crumbling already. This is a religious issue. Ma is a Christian, ex orthodox Catholic, from communist Hungary. This dude is an American bro with bad luck who hates the religious. Now lemme settle this right here: this is important to understand for my take in this whole thing. I am not religious. I would consider myself an anti-theist if anything but I do not intend for anyone else to adopt this method of thinking. One ought to be as they please. I do not necessarily loathe religion. However I do loathe them all equally as they are all virtually destructive devices in lieu of my goal of preparing humanity for the future as I see it. Regardless, I love people. And people are not humans in a sense, but for our intents and purposes are. Now I don't hate the religious, though I do find their willingness to be lead rather concerning as that is not a favorable trait for our species to keep in the coming years. We should seek to unify and be free rather than to conquer and be destroyed. So 7, normal stuff. Ma finishes school and starts substitute teaching. She also has ran a daycare since I was 5. Did I forget to mention that...? I did. Anyways, she finished school for now. This dude she is married to but hates works for a... Wait company. This has got to be a joke...but no he does. They have a baby girl and that's my first little sister. But yeah 7 they switched my prescription from Ritalin to concerta which is just cheaper Ritalin from India. Same dosage. Oh yeah and that made bad stuff happen. See I'm actually schizoaffective. My ma is bipolar type 1. Pa is bipolar type 2. So uh, they gave a kid with bipolar speed and alot of it for a few years. And down the line along with things to come that ends up with me being schizoaffective. We will see how that all goes down. Btw, at this point ma is drinking again and is depressed. 8, the bad stuff happens. I'm in 3rd grade and I'm all hopped up on medicine. The marriage is at its breaking point. In their desperation and totally by mistake they have another baby girl. I now have 2 sisters in 2 years. This is getting ridiculous. So one day after breakfast I walk to the bus stop and sit down. I dig around in the back pack for a ruler that I sharpen on the sidewalk. The bus arrives and I put it away, get on, go to school. I get to class, the teacher collects homework and I don't have mine. He calls me a few names as he often did, much like most authority figures prove to have done to many. I don't exactly remember the turn of events in question but some kid got slashed by the ruler and I got hauled off to a local psych ward by cops. It was then that I spent an hour or two in isolation until my ma arrived and took me home. They wanted to evaluate me but ma said no. They then countered with a court order for me to receive mental care or she lose all her kids. So the same clinic saw and tested me positive as early onset bipolar type 2. They had my dosage lowered and began to ween me off of the speed. I met with doctors and they declared I was a highly intelligent and sensitive young rascal with no grasp on the concept of self. This is important. So i get kicked out of that school and go to another one. At this point I should mention I've hopped schools alot cuz ma moves alot and she still does to this day. 9, ma divorces the weird dude. She drinks and drinks and drinks. She becomes abusive and neglectful whilst trying to get back into school. She has 4 kids and a daycare and that's it. All of her kids are and continue to seem to be special needs to some extent. She is a broken women as the childhood she lost and never confronted beguile her with misery and woe. She is ready to end it all...if only she never had kids. This is basically her to this day. I'm doing well in school though. I'm unmedicated for now, being in gifted classes, reading at an 8th grade level they said. My older brother is often playing video games. My little sisters are very young and are just as abused and neglected as me and my brother but not to the same extent. It's honestly a snapshot of lower middleclass America. 10, doing well in school, reading at 12th grade level so they say. I'm in the recycling club, I dump out all the campus recycling bins with other students. I know the school resource officers and shrinks rather well as I have my bouts if erratic behavior. They now have me taking abilify. It kills my appetite and my weight drops to 45lbs. Nothing is done about it and this continues to cause me problems like back pain, stomach cramps, vertigo on occasion, the usual. I get involved with public speaking and this continues to get important. I compete with the whole school and get 1st in my class and 4th for the school and it makes me mad that I didnt get a prize so I cried and cried. That's about it. 11, I'm in middle school. I went to a concert with my older bro and ma is married to a religious right wing tea party dude. She still is. I like metal, girls and anime. Kill me. Anyways, I dated and what not and it sucked. Ma had another baby girl. I have apendicits and go the hospital. It screws up school for me forever. I weighed maybe 60lbs. I was and am a small man. I did end up dying during surgery due to an unexpected incident involving an adverse reaction to anesthetics. Clinically dead for 7 minutes and to this day I can still recall the lack of sensation for what seemed to be that amount of time. The ego death. I recall it quite clearly. I learned that death is final and the soul is a mere figurative manifestation of life or it's essential parts. Absolute lack of sensation. That is death as I perceive it. But basic CPR revived me and they go on with the basic appendectomy. I spend a month in the hospital and also have an abcess removed. Slowly I recover and begin to gain weight and confidence as my medication is increased. 12, I date this weird chick, it gets me questioning my sexuality. But it also gets me questioning the idea of god. This is still relevant. But beyond the thoughts nothing comes of it. I love around schools alot as my meds make me act agressively when manic. 13, so this is kinda where the meat starts to fill in. The good parts are beginning. My brother is dating the same girl he has since he was in 8th grade at this point and I've been dating a redneck girl who like anime and Music. She's a little chubby but that's why I liked her I suppose. Point is, we were both like the same person and 2 years later it becomes a problem. I'm really coming into my own and want to be an army doctor. I like to build legos and robots. I also decide that God is fake and not for me. 14, 9th grade. What a year <3~ me and the girl are together and happy. Ma is sober and teaching at middle schools. Her husband is a groundskeeper who was in the navy for 16 years. He brought 2 kids (technically 3 but I don't wanna get into that unless asked). I'm exploring my sexuality a bit and have become a brony. I'm edgy as all hell and my meds are now Xanax. Ma just gives me the bottles and naturally I abuse them. I do well enough in school and am active in Jrotc. I meet a man who is older than me (I was 14 he was 17 ). We talked and were good friends. This is important later. 15, the best year of my life so far. I smoke cigarettes now. I drink when I can. Whatever drug I can find I'm on. I'm edgy. So edgy. I am little kurt cobain and grunge becomes me. Kill me was my mantra. Me and the girl split up and I get together long distance with the guy I mentioned earlier. This leads to problems later. 16, I've switched schools and made new friends, some of whom I still have. I'm mostly off of drugs other than cigarettes which I scramble to save and ration like food. I'm having bouts of night terrors that persist to this day. I have stomach problems and jrotc has broken my back. We live in the woods outside town in a big nice house on land. We've got animals. My mind at this point is in utter disarray. I began to look into myself and ask the big questions and day by day I found out more and more. At this point I've lost contact with the bronies. Life is grungy. Me and ma hate eachother. She finds out I'm with that dude and restricts my access to the internet for 4 whole months in which I date a freshman as a beard for that time. Eventually I regain contact with the boy and we grow very close and commit to one another. I am now the rebel of the house...yay... 17, I'm failing school and planning to move to Colorado to be with the man. I did pass but it was a struggle as now I am frequently experiencing auditory hallucinations. To this day, although rare now, they do occur. Though most notably whilst under the influence which is obvious. So i graduate and sell lots of my stuff to afford to live in Colorado. 18, now ive graduated. I have the money and tickets and packed. I'm leaving Florida for Colorado on August 3rd, 2015. I've said my goodbyes. Saw their faces as I walked away and at the time felt so empowered by their sadness. They couldn't touch me anymore. I'd grow to miss em. I lived in Colorado with a nice young brony who was in school and worked a nice job. I lived there 7 months. The entire time he was not actually into me or even men. He wanted the trap I could've been. But i was grungy and cool. He was actually a huge freaking nerd. But that's what made him cute. He was going to school for psychology so I figured he could help me as I've seen therapist after therapist and none help. In the end, I hated him and now it's still bittersweet. Eventually after 7 months of working fast food to pay rent and living in a place with seasons, I went home and no one said I told you so. They were kind and kept me close for the following months as I went back to work with subway. 19, for some reason I begin to think I'm trans for all of a month and then I chill. I self medicate with tobacco. Afterwards I am at the final stages of my personal development as my youth fades away. I am self aware and sympathetic. This is me now, I'll be 20 on July the 23rd.
  11. Mind giving me some feedback on this? I've been thinking about putting it to music. [PLEASE DO NOT COPY] The Girl 1. Once was a girl 2. With a bright personality. 3. She never meant to hurt 4. And despised brutality. 5. She was eager to help 6. And would ask to play with one other. 7. But when she fell, 8. The girl wasn't held by another. 9. Though her intention was good, 10. She came off as clumsy. 11. She never understood 12. What the problem might be. 13. As the girl got older, 14. Her conflict only grew. 15. "You're broken." They told her. 16. "The world's better off without you." 17. At the age of twelve, 18. Her communications were limited. 19. She'd talk to herself 20. And her nature grew timid. 21. All through middle school, 22. She was taught by a screen. 23. She was seen as a fool 24. The few times she had company. 25. When spending was at minimum 26. And her situation became fruitless, 27. She was thrown to the system 28. In hopes of cleaning her mess. 29. So now at age fourteen, 30. She was expected of more. 31. She knew nothing of scene 32. Or about this 'common core'. 33. No one would talk to her 34. Or stand within half a mile. 35. Though treated like an intruder, 36. She still wore her usual smile. 37. Like a broken record, 38. She'd sing without anyone to admire. 39. "I don't know where to go 40. Or who to be. 41. I wish someone 42. Or anyone would help me. 43. I feel empty inside.” 44. She would plea. 45. “No place to go hide. 46. This world has grown cold. 47. It's suffocating me." 48. She longed to break the mold 49. And needed to break free. 50. Day in and day out, 51. Her fate seemed evident. 52. She was cursed to roam about 53. Without anyone to her feeling significant. 54. She began to build a fortress 55. Out of fear for the demons she faced. 56. Depression became her mistress. 57. She pondered as she across the floor paced, 58. “This is all?” 59. Surely her life weighed more than this. 60. But the truth finally answered her call 61. When another girl offered a hand when she tripped. 62. Along with it, 63. This girl beamed a bright smile. 64. Taken back a bit, 65. She returned the grin with a hint of denial. 66. Little did they know, 67. These two would be inseparable. 68. Some say their friendship is just for show 69. It seems strange for a friendship to be so immeasurable. 70. The girl made more friends 71. Along the way. 72. Not to belittle those relations, 73. But the smiley girl mattered more than she could say. 74. She had replaced her prior feelings 75. She thought she so well knew 76. With a newfound joy. 77. She felt so at ease around these few. 78. Her previous darkness was but her demon’s lost ploy. 79. Instead of murmuring 80. With words of depression, 81. Her voice is now elevating 82. And singing proudly her tale of revelation. 83. “No longer, 84. I won't be held down. 85. Or defined by another.” 86. She sang whether it rained or wind blew. 87. “I'm tired of crying 88. In a corner somewhere. 89. I'd rather be out smiling 90. With people who care. 91. These hard hearted people 92. Can yell all they want. 93. That doesn't mean it gives me a cripple 94. Or I care about their thought.” 95. This whole life of her’s, 96. She didn’t know why she had so much trouble. 97. But after telling her of these disorders, 98. At least she could to lessen the struggle. 99. “Yeah I'm broken. 100. So what? 101. It's my problem. 102. Your point was? 103. If my flaws annoy you that much, 104. Why don't you go look in the mirror for once. 105. There's not one definition of perfect. 106. There's not one word for me. 107. I'd rather be a clipped bird 108. And continue to sing. 109. Than be a beautiful butterfly 110. That'll be forgotten in a week. 111. It won't matter what I wore 112. 10 years from now. 113. But I'll stay torn 114. If I blindly wander around. 115. With no opinion of myself 116. Besides the lies you've told my head? 117. As if I'd leave my feelings on a shelf 118. And take your word instead. 119. Sorry little miss. 120. Guess I'm not as weak as you thought. 121. You've shown me my feelings don’t deserve a dismiss 122. And why you shouldn't tease and cause distraught.” 123. These lessons she’s learned 124. Will give her strength every day. 125. She’s met people who’ll be concerned 126. And pick her up when she feels dismay. 127. It’s now been a year 128. Since the girl was brought into this environment. 129. She’s matured greatly here 130. Despite her rough settlement. 131. Without these few youth 132. She’s met in this place, 133. She may have stayed aloof 134. With a fake smile upon her face. 135. As time has passed, 136. The world continues to spin. 137. Just as hurtful comments do not last 138. Against a sincere and joyful grin. 139. Though the girl still faces daily problems, 140. It’s much easier to deal. 141. She will achieve excellence 142. If these people continue to help in ordeal. 143. The story doesn’t end right away 144. For it has only just begun. 145. Even to this day, 146. This girl still sings of past transgression. 147. She’s helped many without personally knowing them 148. With her tale of victory. 149. But she cannot irradiate the problem. 150. Her actions will not be enough only. 151. It will take the everyday person 152. To change this society. 153. Not with large scale projects to immerse in. 154. But with average people like you and me.
  12. I notice this a lot on the Advice forum. I myself am autistic, so trust me, I am a part of this. Do you think this is so? If so, why?
  13. Ya know what, Brain? One of these days you'll work. One of these days, maybe just for one day, one hour..a minute. Heck, I'd be lucky if it worked for a second. I will gain the ability to think. The question is, what would I think about? The answer? YouTube. Sounds like a strange thing to think about, I know, but I have my reasons. It's been about 10 years since I first discovered my interest in making videos. I'd make home movies and other little comedy bits and such. Over time I found YouTube, and I realized that I could post my stuff online for people to see. My destiny was set. I wanted nothing more than to be a YouTuber. 10 years, 6 collaborating friends, and 8(or more) channels have passed. I've made very little progress. Each channel only doing slightly better than the last, but always lacking consistent views, subscribers, and worst of all, content. I always run into the problem of not having ideas or inspiration for videos. Eventually it evolved into a lack of motivation after my many failed channels. So why do I keep going? Good question....too bad I don't have a good answer. The only thing that keeps me going these days is this feeling in my mind that I do still want to be a YouTuber. I still don't know exactly what content I love making, and I still have problems with inspiration and motivation, but I just know in my heart that YouTube is something I want to do. But why? How!? I don't know. Maybe my brain actually will work for a few minutes some time. And you can bet I'll use every second to try and figure this out, because I'm stumped.
  14. So, it's basically as the title implies. If there's anything that's really irking you or you need to get some weight off your shoulders, this is the place. Post your anger and just let it all out. I guess I'll start: I have this friend who insists on being superior and undermines me all the time. I can't tell her how I feel because even giving her the tiniest hint that she's being a jerk will result in her completely overreacting and I'll be "the traitor". We've been friends for so long that I don't want to loose her friendship but she's treating me like I don't matter. I don't think she even knows she's doing it! Jesus Christ! I just want to be able to freely speak my mind to her! Fire Away!
  15. Tech Reel

    Why Now?

    Why is everything hitting me so hard all of a sudden? Why is it that, since Valentines Day, I've been feeling depressed again? There's just no rhyme or reason for it. I'm suddenly remembering my depressing past and feeling sad about my present. Nothing specifically sad is going on for me right now. No sad events, no memory-triggering people, no anything. I'm just feeling like crap out of nowhere and I don't understand why. Then again, while nothing sad has happened recently, not much good has happened either. The extent of my day is waking up, going online, watching tv, and going to sleep, with the addition of work on some days. Maybe I'm just lonely, I don't really have many friends. And, I have just lost the last of my friends(that I talk to daily) about a month or so ago, leaving me with only one true And I haven't spoken to a friend with my actual voice in months... You know, the whole depression thing is starting to make more and more sense...
  16. DIS BE ANOTHER ONE OF DEM VENT POSTS, HOMES. In fear of being criticized and/or ridiculed (yah, I'm paranoid. DEAL WITH IT! :S), I'm gonna be spoiler-ing the main bits of this blog post. If you're not here to give me advice or just in general be cool, y'all might as well not read any further. If you read that, thanks for reading and please give some input.
  17. something I cannot do. I've always dreamed of at least having a teeny-tiny little following of peeps who dig my work. I can say without a doubt that that has not happened in the past 4 years I've had a "presence" on the internet. I managed at one point to accumulate over 100 subscribers on my first YouTube channel, but it was pretty much useless, as, even when I posted stuff related to the apparent reason they subscribed, they didn't give a crap about me or my stuff. At least that's how it seemed. I've "restarted" a couple times, in fact. Once last year and once this year. Why? Because I was going nowhere. Ever since, I've uploaded various things to various places, tried to make friends, etc. It's gotten me a few favs and several watchers/subscribers, but again, not many of them seem to care. Don't interpret this post the wrong way. It's not a pity party post. It's a vent post. And possibly a suggestion post. Does anyone here have any ideas on how to get noticed?
  18. [This is majorly a "vent thread." I've been writing these a lot lately, but then deciding to never post them, if you are reading this, that means I decided I wanted feed back.] Yesterday was... confusing. I woke up in the afternoon well rested, but I felt different... I had one of my "Moods" again. If you never heard of my description of my "Moods" I'll describe it for you. My "Moods" are usually when I wake up and feel like a completely different person. Usually I am quiet, calmed, and a bit depressed, but this morning (and few random mornings before) I went into a mental condition I can only call an "extreme mood swing!" This morning I felt very uncharacteristically great. I was the "Happy, Anti-Dylan" while most of the time I'm a slightly depressed "Original Dylan." I felt so excited for absolutely no reason at all! I had such and optimistic outlook on EVERYTHING! I was rather loud and obnoxious. I wouldn't shut up being excited over nothing with the utmost optimism! I felt like I could fly! To put it in simple turns, I am normally Fluttershy, but this morning I became Pinkie Pie for no reason at all! This happens to me randomly with no explanation at all. Absolutely nothing can happen and I'll feel so happy about it. I've spoken to a few friends about it who have said when I am in one of these "moods" it is like talking to a whole new person! Sadly within hours this mindset was short lived and I went back to my depressed ways. I dealt with this all day, but then suddenly I went into what I'd describe as another "Mood" but this one the opposite which makes me more depressed than usual, the complete opposite of the one I felt this morning. Akin to this morning's "Mood" I have absolutely no idea why I feel this way, what triggered such feelings, or how to stop it. I'm not sure if this falls under some other already existing mental disorder or if this my mind being VERY unique (which it tends to do a lot from the norm). I do though know that I cannot control these "Moods" and when they happen. These powerful "Mood swings" scare me because of how extreme they tend to be. I can wake up viewing the world as a beautiful place only to want it all destroyed including myself at sundown! So I guess this is where you Bronies extend your advice and words of wisdom. You share your support for me like you'd do for anyother pony. The one thing I really do LOVE about this fandom. Your love can only get me so far but I believe it should be enough for now. Anyway I'm sure this problem won't go away anytime soon, seeing that it seems to be a repeating mental condition, but you guys' love and support can certainly help deal with it until it goes away! Love to my Bronies! <3