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What would be the perfect night for you?


Kodiak

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  • 1 year later...
  • 1 month later...

The perfect night for me is dark, quiet and full of stars. It shuld be also warm enough so that I can sit outside without wearing winter clothing but also cool enough so that I can sleep later good. Oh, and no mosquitos. Yeah, stargazing is a hobby I love to do (and could not do this year because summer 2021 in germany was mostly wet, cloudy and to cool).

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  • 7 months later...

Wine and sunset

Spoiler

Except, no wine. I don't really like wine.

 

Beer and a sunset over the open sea

Spoiler

I don't like beer either.

 

I can't have a perfect night of being drunk.

Spoiler

Which is good. I can still enjoy nights, and they are awesome!

 

 

 

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(edited)

The night I return home. I've bought a bottle of vodka for a special occasion like this, some liquid courage for when the time comes. I was expecting something more romantic than a rope, though. But you make do with what you have.
I feel broken from side to side of my chest, I just cannot heal. And this trauma has grown such a deep hatred for the world inside of me, and everything, really. This idea has taken root inside the trauma, which has fed it to a disproportionate size. I miss her, still. So much so, that it feels like the only thing correct. So much so that my eyes clear up when I think about it, and the world recovers its color, otherwise everything looks clouded in sight. It brings tears to my eyes, and I am not the kind of person that is moved easily by anything. Simply talking about it brings me back from limbo. Besides, thirty three years is a nice age to go. It is a special number for my family, or it used to, as it was for her.
There is like a broken compass inside my chest, and the needle is going crazy because there never was a stable ground upon which to sit feet, a place to call home, hence the feeling of being constantly lost, and those damn dreams; hundreds of them. Running and running and running and never being able to find home. And waking up with your body contracted and pained. It is not possible to build on a broken foundation. It is not. Like trying to build a house on quicksand. A hopeless endeavour.

And the b*tch who stole all the real estate properties in the inheritance, stole her portrait as well. Which was everything I had as a reminder. You know what is funny? They offered me three million for one of the properties, then five, then seven, then ten... then eleven. This vulture does not really understand that I do not give a damn about money. You should have seen their faces when I said "no" to these parasites. It was worth all the things in this world. Let me prove myself. My soul has grown silent because of how many compromises have been made in my name, and I feel dead inside.
Still, I am scared. But it is as if you were stuck against an invisible wall, and you have reached the precipice already, and on the other side is what you really need. You can almost see it. But if you don't jump, you are not gonna reach it, and you are gonna be left stuck with this incurable pain for life. It doesn't leave you. And that is more terrifying than hanging for bit. So, you have to. It is that or the constant torment. And it is asphyxiating not being able to sleep because it hurts so much, your chest feels like it is tearing itself apart. And I've read her diary. Cancer comes next. I need to find peace. If everyone in my family left. Then I deserve to do so, as well.

The lights in the sky and the messages from the angels are a nice gesture, and I really appreciate them, but they mean nothing to me. If anything, they are a sign of how bad things have gotten, that I need to see these fireworks to keep hope alive. I don't need messages, I don't need false hope. I want to see her again. And I will. The only right thing that I will ever do in my entire life.

Edited by They call me Loyalty
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Staying up throughout the night and playing games, watching movies, browse online, etc. 

I'm more of a night person than a day person. There's something about the darkness and peacefulness of nighttime that's comforting to me. 

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