Offering OC help!

[AmberDust 1,116]

I guess I tried a wee bit too hard with coming up with something awesome when I stumbled upon falconry. I blame spending a couple of hours reading medieval occupation descriptions...

 

Anyways, I snapped out of it and actually adressed the issues you presented in order to improve on my original idea. So, instead of relying on her special ability, be it individual or racial in nature, I devised a "formula" - an alchemical potion which hastens microscopic crystal growth, thus allowing the seamless joint of crystal pieces. The recipe would be a secret of the trade, passed on to the new generations of tradesponies as they gain mastery of their craft.

 

So... what do you think?

Here is her updated profile: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/crystal-clear-r9369

I still need to do some work on that awful picture though...

 

It looks all good to me. Have you roleplayed as her yet?

 

Also, are you looking for a new drawing of her?

[Raven Rawne 1,374]

Sadly, not yet...  I am keeping tabs on the roleplay section but nothing cought my eye just yet. The unexpected downside of a detailed description is that you can't just transplant the character to any RP. Or at least I think it would be weird to do so without a rational explanation of her appearance in said place.

 

Oh and I thought about commisioning an artist for the better picture, since quite obviously my skills are... insufficient. Even with Ponyscape and a base to make a vector off.

 

Anyways, thanks for all the help! I knew there was still work to do when I uploaded her for Your critique, and You pointed me to all the weak points so I could improve her design, just as I hoped.

[AmberDust 1,116]

Sadly, not yet...  I am keeping tabs on the roleplay section but nothing cought my eye just yet. The unexpected downside of a detailed description is that you can't just transplant the character to any RP. Or at least I think it would be weird to do so without a rational explanation of her appearance in said place.

 

Oh and I thought about commisioning an artist for the better picture, since quite obviously my skills are... insufficient. Even with Ponyscape and a base to make a vector off.

 

Anyways, thanks for all the help! I knew there was still work to do when I uploaded her for Your critique, and You pointed me to all the weak points so I could improve her design, just as I hoped.

 

Glad I could help--and hey, if you can't find a roleplay that suits your character, you can always make one! I'm sure plenty of players would be pretty excited to join an RP that takes place in the Crystal Empire.

[twilight24 321]

What should I name these ocs and how do I develop them?

These are the characters I need help with and developed. The purple one is named Pen Quille

[AmberDust 1,116]

What should I name these ocs and how do I develop them?

These are the characters I need help with and developed. The purple one is named Pen Quille

 

These are very cute designs! Although I see no "purple one".

You can develop their personalities simply by asking yourself questions about them, and putting them in situations to see how they'd respond to them. And example would be...

 

"Did X have any friends when they were young?"

"Is Y a good judge of character? Why?"

"Is Z independent, or do they require constant attention?"

Answering questions like these will not only help you shape a personality, but it will also help you formulate a backstory, since personality and backstory go hand in hand.

 

As for names....hmm...Terminology, idioms, and other forms of wordplay usually work. How about...

White pony: Bookworm,  Page Turner, or a play on a famous author's name (Like AK Yearling).

Blue Pegasus: Cotton Clouds, Candy Skies, Nimbus, or some other cloud/weather related name.

Grey Pegasus: Side Scroller, Specs.

 

...although it all depends on their personalities. Usually a Pony's name matches the who they are. For example. Rarity is an elegant, one-word name, totally suitable for a designer. Pinkie Pie is a silly, more energetic name. Rainbow DASH definitely implies more action and speed than, say, FLUTTERshy. It all depends on what kind of character they're going to be! 

[Missklang 1,052]

@@AmberDust

 

Hello, Amber. A new look on an OC is a good thing. Can you perhaps look at mine and give your opinion? That would be great. I won't change the design of him and his cutie mark (the only place you see the cutie mark is in the signature) but I would really love to see your opinion on everything. The backstory is not full though because I am not sure for it, but I try to write it down in a fanfic form. Really ironic since I wrote backstories for a bunch of OC's and even had an art shop proposing to write them... I guess it's because it's my ponysona and I want to do it to be really good. I look forward to your opinions

[Widdershins 9,955]

Hmm? Well, you've not had any action on this thread since September of last year, so I suppose its okay If I haul out mine.

 

   So you mentioned reviewing things from a viewpoint of them being canonical. Well, I have to wonder just how you define that. Widdershins is of a race we have confirmed in the show, and I for one can see him being in town without his antics directly impeding how the show goes. After all, I see no harm in having a second Draconequus in town!

   No, but he's not who I want to ask you about.    ...See, I think I have this bad habit of making things a tad more... elaborate then need be. But, I had this wonderful Idea! Of one mythological beast we so rarely see any attention given to, that due to its nature can but only supply such a wealth of possibilities!

                    My Grand Masterpiece! My tour-de-force Seven-Part OC! Gallimaufry "Mauf" The Hydra!

 

  And yes, I am asking you to review ALL of it & I know that may be a tall order. I have each of the six "ponies" that make him up their own bio pics too that I have linked in its own lower half of its page. (the colored names down below in 'Other') I've been thinking that in my bid to create something so needlessly convoluted, I may have sacrificed each head having been its own distinct personality of its own as well. Especially the eldest, Blither. He's supposed to be the forgettable but genuine bookworm sort kinda like a Charlie Brown sort.

    To be specific about what I'm asking of you: What's your opinion on how well each character is balanced on the whole? None too entirely dependent on the rest while still being clear that they come as a set? Just how feasible you see a hydra being? Basically an overall second opinion in case you find any twists in Mauf where I might need to step back on the whole creativity! As I often say, I have a habit of not knowing when to curb my creativity!

 

 

  Oddly enough, I don't seem to have any qualms RPing as it, as I have essentially done that in my Ask thread. Just... the capability of making one to fit it in!

Oh, and P.S. Feel free to respond in this thread for all the room you could need, and do take your time! Ya don't have to do all of it in one go for me!

              Oh and, uh... especially don't do Solumn, he may be an important second chapter in Gallimaufry, but he's a whooole 'nother can of worms I wouldn't ask anybeing to open!

[Regal Shadow 825]

Hello.

 

I was wondering if you could look at my OC, and tell me if there is any way to improve him.

 

His name is Regal Shadow. (I made these images on Ponyscape.)

 

 

Here is his cutie-mark:

 

 

Here is his backstory that I wrote:

 

https://mlpforums.com/topic/162535-regal-shadows-backstory-improved/

 

Also, do you have any tips for using Ponyscape? You know, to make my vector art look better.

 

(One last question. Can I use your picture of the pony dressed like Discord as a base. I would love to make a picture like that!)

 

Thanks! Regal Shadow

 

 

[AmberDust 1,116]

Hello.

 

I was wondering if you could look at my OC, and tell me if there is any way to improve him.

 

His name is Regal Shadow. (I made these images on Ponyscape.)

 

Regal Shadow cool pose.png

 

Here is his cutie-mark:

 

Regal's cutie-mark copy.png

 

Here is his backstory that I wrote:

 

https://mlpforums.com/topic/162535-regal-shadows-backstory-improved/

 

Also, do you have any tips for using Ponyscape? You know, to make my vector art look better.

 

(One last question. Can I use your picture of the pony dressed like Discord as a base. I would love to make a picture like that!)

 

Thanks! Regal Shadow

 

I'm just gonna start with some vector tips.

 

I used Ponyscape just once, I think, then switched back to Inkscape (the program its based on). I don't remember the differences between them...so i'm just going to assume they're pretty well the same. ^^' Bear with me.

Anyways, this vector is really good! Honestly you seem to know full well what you're doing, but since you asked, I shall nitpick...Just regarding some bits than can be polished that I usually wouldn't even notice unless It was a commission.

There's a bit in the mane that I circled in red--it might look better it this point was a sharp, corner node rather than a smooth round one, just to be consistent with the rest of the mane.

In the wings, I circled one node in purple. This sharp one--I think all the others (circled in green) should be sharp like that, which can be attained by increasing the miter limit (if you're using Square corners). The default is 4, but I like to set it to 8 so I can get nice pointy corners. Of course, powerstroke may mess with that... recently, for paths with pointed ends, I've been converting stroke to path (ctrl-alt-c) and manually pointing the ends and corners. ^^

For the tail, I think that grey line should be moved to where I put the yellow line, so it makes it look like the middle portion overlaps the upper portion, like what you did with the lowest portion overlapping the middle portion. Also the bottom bit I circled could be smoothed out a bit. It might look better if you divided it into three separate shapes. I like the cutie mark, it looks pretty and clever, but most cutie marks are more simple in design since you generally see them from far off and don't want all the details to be distracting or out of place. Also, they typically don't have outlines. I edited it a bit, if you'd like to see what I mean. Anyways, enough nitpicking. Onto the reason you came here!

 

 

 

 

So, your main concern was with the backstory, right? I notice your character is an Alicorn. Now, I don't have anything against alicorn OCs in theory, and I've made a few of my own, but I'm just going to remind you of the basis on which I critique:

 

 

I'll be critiquing your OC's under the assumption that you want them to be able to fit into the realm of canon.

 

...meaning, I'm going to treat this character as if he was actually in the setting of the show...so now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

 

 

 

 

Usually when I look at OCs, I like to see a description of their personalities and a sort of...summary of their backstories, rather than a full-on story, so I can just focus on the content rather than the style...Welp, here goes anyways!

I'm curious--how old is Regal at the beginning of this story? CMC age? I like how Regal didn't realize his own potential when his father did, and had to discover it in a moment of heroic necessity. The whole "chemical factory explosion" thing seems a bit ill-suited for the MLP universe, and the fact that there was another colt in the building seems kind of strange, too...so maybe this scenario can be replaced by something similar, but a bit more pony-esque? (A chemical factory doesn't seem like a place that blue pegasus would be allowed to be--and it doesn't seem like the place to test a portal machine, either. Also, they wouldn't have waited up until their meeting to test the machine for the first time, especially in such a volatile building. I think all of this could have happened at a magic University, instead? Maybe?)

Anyways, young regal has a pretty cute "look-I'm-a-hero" personality, when he's talking to Cyber, and I'd like to learn more. It's also cute how they basically became brothers--I don't typically like tragic backstories, so this kind of balances it out.

 

Now here's where things get a little dicey...

A young colt...shouldn't be able to make a flying suit like he did. He simply wouldn't have the money, resources, or knowledge too, nevermind the fact that his adopted parents would probably go nuts if they saw the dangerous things he was working with--especially after the explosion that almost killed them all. Even more, Equestria doesn't really have any technology more advanced than the steam engine--and even that relies on magic, something a Pegasus couldn't work with. This kind of ruins the rest of the story, I know...

 

I like the confrontation he has with his bully even though ponies don't have knuckles. It's a bit odd that H.E. didn't accept help even when he was literally being sucked into a black hole that he was trying to run away from moments before. I mean, that's a lot of pride. ^^'

Also, where did this crowd come from? I thought they were in the outskirts of town. And what does Regal's cutie mark actually symbolize, considering what he was doing the moment he got it? It suits his name, sure, but doesn't seem to suit his actions.

Also, if he didn't want to take credit for his heroics, why did he meet Twilight in-costume? And how much older is he than the mane-six, seeing as he was Rainbow's Foal-sitter? Why was he, a magic user, able to fix the flying suit, which was electrical?

 

After this, I'm sorry to say that the story just gets out of control. Including all the mane six, all the princesses, Shining Armour, The elements of Harmony, Discord, and an additional super powerful extradimensional supervillain type of character with very convenient powers and limitations is just...too much, I think. And Regal himself is twiddling his thumbs while all this is happening...why does Servitor want Regal's powers, anyways, when he's already captured all the Princesses? Why was he able to control the very powerful Discord, but not Celestia, Luna, and Cadence? Why is Servitor, who stole the power of all these other ponies, mane six included, not able to defeat Regal? Why is Celestia able to turn Regal into an Alicorn from inside her cage, and if she can still use magic, what's stopping her from escaping? Why did Cyber help Servitor in the first place?

So much of what's going on just doesn't make sense. It's all very exciting and dramatic, and the ending is sweet and triumphant, but, still, much of it doesn't make sense and is a little too reliant on convenient happenings and oversights regarding the limitations of the mlp world.

 

You really don't need any of this to create an interesting character, and I think it's working against you rather than for you. Your character can be interesting and, if you want, powerful, without all this craziness involving all the mane six. Your character, I think, should be able to stand alone without relying on the main/canon characters this much.

 

At times like this I think it's good to look at the show. If you want to make an Alicorn character, look at other Alicorns. Cadence earned her horn by selflessly helping reform a villain with the power of love. Twilight earned her wings after creating magic to help her friends. It doesn't need to be complicated, and often it's more believable if it isn't. Including different dimensions and relying on technological McGuffins to initiate the story just doesn't work in this setting, and feels very out of place.

 

I'd like to help you work on this character more via PM, if you'll accept my criticism. Maybe we can work out some changes together? I like Regal's personality, and his design, but I think his story needs to fit the world a bit better. 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2017 by AmberDust

[Pr0m4NV14 837]

Err, Critique wanted?

https://mlpforums.com/topic/163516-backstory-is-cleaned-up-let-us-improve-my-oc-more/

I even made a page in the OC database:

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mike-r9875

Edited March 7, 2017 by Pr0m4NV14

[AmberDust 1,116]

Err, Critique wanted?

https://mlpforums.com/topic/163516-backstory-is-cleaned-up-let-us-improve-my-oc-more/

I even made a page in the OC database:

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mike-r9875

 

Usually I'm really a stickler when it comes to keeping things canonical, and I even stated at the beginning of my thread that I judge characters based on how they fit in Equestria...but this guy's backstory is just...it made me laugh. I thought it was hilarious, especially with a name like "Mcguffin".      I see what u did there.

I like how you didn't make him OP with his sword or anything, and how he's just a simple earth pony who's incredibly, incredibly out of his bounds.   It's not often I see a comedic character...most are more leaning towards tragic/heroic, so this was honestly refreshing. Plus, he has a goal!

He's a silly, silly character, and there's not much to him to review or critique, but I like him so far. If you do plan on using him in roleplay, you might want to keep developing his personality a little further. And keep him simple!

 

Though, fair warning, some DMs might not approve of an extradimensional being, even one as simple as Mike here. Do you think he'll try to blend in with the natives? Take on a pony name, like..uh...*gazes past you* ....Green... *looks over shoulder*...Door? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is this you?

 

[Props Valroa 25,983]

Well, for my Ponysona/oc... he is a tall, dark unicorn Stallion, his coat is a medium grey, his mane is jet black. His cutie mark is a black crystal and 3 cogs. His horn is bent back, almost like a pirate hook. His eyes can be a deep crimson red whenever he gets mad, otherwise they are a deep indigo-blue color. His name is Earthly shade, or Obsidian hook, he uses both.

He is blunt, gruff, somewhat dark and mysterious, straight to the point and otherwise emotionless, but at other times he can be a mad scientist who laughs manically and has no control over himself, and who thinks everything is funny. He also likes the darkness, cold winter days and rainy days in favor of the opposite. When he was a foal, he was often called weird and insulted alot, but by the time he grew of age, he absorbed all he could about magic and took revenge on his foalhood enemies, by pinning them to the ground with his gravity manipulation and making them go through their worst nightmares with his spells, after that, he forced them to admit to everything they did to him, and apologize, then they were forgiven.

He isn't good, nor is he evil. He simply acts in terms of Survival, personal safety, personal gain, and sometimes the safety of others who he thinks are worthy. He wants to lead, have power, and is full of passion. He is independent and efficient, but can be quick to anger, if you get him mad, your immediately in his bad books. He sometimes wears a black cloak to conceal himself. He also has a habit of collecting rocks and crystals, and tampering with inventions, magic, and spells to make himself better than he is, or to appear so. But, he will never hurt or harm anypony without good reason. He envies all those who have good friends, as he has been lied to and betrayed in the past quite a bit, it takes him a long time to even think about trusting somepony.

He can also be somewhat obsessive about building a time machine to fix the past, but somewhere underneath all of this he seeks for love and friendship. 

What do you think?

[Pr0m4NV14 837]

 

 

 

 

"Green Door" Is an odd alias for Mike, who is a Pony who is quite far from green, being brown. I was thinking of something starting with "Cinnamon."

Oh, and I gave Mike a slight Re-Design!

 

What do you think of the changes?

Edited March 8, 2017 by Pr0m4NV14

[Glacies Frost 428]

Mind giving me your opinion on this character? Anything you'd like to point out would be helpful, I'm sure. But more, I would appreciate your general opinion on the work. He's really my only character, my "ponysona," so I like getting as many opinions as I can.

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/eqw-characters/_/approved/glacies-frost-r438

[Pr0m4NV14 837]

Mike's Slight Re-Design II

 

[Artimis Whooves 1,576]

Would you mind critiquing my OC if you have the time?

 

If so, the link to his bio is in my sig.

[SwedishBrony 6]

I need help with my AND name, since I'm not so good at name, maybe fix to his backstory too and a suitable cutie mark for him

My OC:

https://mlpforums.com/topic/168571-i-need-oc-name-help/