Silverwisp rates your OC

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Ladies, gentlemen and in betweens, welcome to the toughest OC rating thread on the Forums!

Want help with improving your OC? Want to make the villain of your fanfic more memorable? Do you simply enjoy having some stranger on the internet nitpick at your creations?

Well, yoiu have come to the right place.

 

 

To apply, simply post a link to your OC's profile (preffered) or post picture the backstory (for the sake of keeping the thread tidy, please put them in spoilers).

 

Please only apply if you got a backstory and a picture (ponycreator will do).

 

I shall the proceed to rate your OC on a scale from one to ten. I also will give suggestions on how to improve aspects of your OC.

 

This will be structured as such:

Design: The look of the character, including colourscheme

Backstory: The OC's personality, talent, backstory etc.

Overall: The overall rating, derived from the two above (weighted ~40/60)

 

I will do my best to respond to every entry, though it might take a couple of days.

I am always open for follow-up questions and some good ol' (constructive) discussion.

I will be rating under the assumption that the OC is supposed to exist in the FiM canon.

 

 

Attention: Obviiously, the ratings will be based on my own, very subjective opinion. There also will be very little in the way of kiddie gloves; if I think an OC is bady designed, I will tell you so. If this is the kind of thing likely to upset you, this thread probably isn't for you.

 

 

 

[JonasDarkmane 19,777]

Well, the link to my OC is in my signature. You are welcome to judge

[IJoinedForPonies 124]

I have made some changes to mine since we last spoke, cutie mark is still in progress. Link is in my sig as well. ^^

[Passion 3,478]

Why not? Criticism doesn't hurt. You'll find the link in signature (and it's obviously not the Rarity one xD).

 

She might be undergoing a little overhaul soon, since I'm slowly working on applying her younger sister. That will probably change her backstory in terms of family and current life.

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

@@JonasDarkmane,

Well, lets see....

 

 

 

Design:

I'm not  a fan of reusing establishing characters manes, especially if its as recognizable as Vinyl's. Maybe make it something resembling a crystal pony hairstyle to tie in with the backstory.

As for the colourscheme, the coat is alright (maybe brighten it a tiny bit), but the mane needs to change: the white is too stark and the brown far too saturated. I'd suggest dropping the white alltogether and making it two shades of brown/auburn (playing around with colours can help). Red works for the eyes, but they too need desaturation (Flutterbat is a good point of reference). The cutiemark is fine.

4/10: Has potential, but needs some work

 

Backstory:

The losing combat magic/control/rage part seems rather shoehorned in with no real payoff. I'd suggest scrapping it.

I also doubt you'd be allowed to go free after nearly killing a fellow student with forbidden magic. If you still want him having been thrown out of the university, just have him being caught studying (not practicing) dark magic due to curiosity in his family's history. Speaking of which, I do like family histry, though I think something less archaic than "Darkmane" might work better, perhaps something crystal themed.

There really is no point in him living in Ponyville.

5/10: Again: potential weighted down by clutter

Overall:5/10

 

My suggestion: Put more emphasis on his geographical/historical work; edgy, dark battlemage OCs are a dime a dozen. A pony who actually goes around doing a useful job is way more memorable.

 

 

 

@@IJoinedForPonies,

 

 

 

Design:

Well, there don't seem to be any changes from last time, so I'll just refer you to my former post.

5/10

 

Backstory:

Again, the points I have pointed out before have not been addressed and what has been added doesn't really help; with all the stuff you've heaped on, Essence is one cape away from being a superhero.

I do approve of the name change for her team.

3/10

Overall 3.5/10

 

My suggestion: Scrap the princesses out of the story entirely. If you must have a supernatural element to her blindness, make it a forest spirit from the Everfree or someting. Tone her senses down to a more reasonable level.

 

 

[DiscordedCelestia 102]

look at sig under an OC

-DC

[Overdrive 5,366]

Eh, why not. Link is in the sig.

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

@@Khajiit

 

 

 

Design:

Very nice design. The different physique helps making her look unique. Maybe simplyfy/stylize her cutiemark a bit.

As for the colourscheme: I'm not 100% sold on the pink; A pale green or teal might work better:

 

 

Though I really don't like pink, so take this with plenty of salt.

8/10

 

Backstory:

Oh, I do like this; lots of thought put into it and lots of nice little details.

Two minor points:

-Why would Star qualify for Celestia's school in the first place?

-(concerning a line in Imperio's section) why would reminding herself of her sister upset Star?

9/10: One of the best I've read

Overall: 9/10

 

 

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

Why not? I enjoy hearing others opinions on my stuff.

Mad Hatter

 

[JonasDarkmane 19,777]

Not actually a crystal pony but ok. 

[HunterTSN 1,444]

Interesting, let's see what you make of Zephyr.

[Blue Moon 6,336]

Here is a link to my OC, Blue Moon:

 

Link to Blue Moon's page

Edited November 16, 2014 by Blue Moon

[Passion 3,478]

1# Maybe simplyfy/stylize her cutiemark a bit.

 

Backstory:

 

2# - Why would Star qualify for Celestia's school in the first place?

3# - (concerning a line in Imperio's section) why would reminding herself of her sister upset Star?

 

1# Actually, I added the curved line and multi-color on purpose. Figured that, when it comes to stars, there's an abundance of those out there. So I just wanted to make sure it'll be a bit different than others.

Color scheme is a matter of preference Pink isn't the best for the job, I agree. But I got accustomed to it already I guess.

 

2# Well, she shouldn't. Point is, the app was submitted on 4th of September 2013. But... here. It actually comes from 24th of September 2012. Moved it from different site. Was registered on different forums since 29th of February, 2012 (yeah, my first anniversary is still 1.5 year away xD). So it was quite a fresh OC, and one of the first ones I've made. Never changed it since then. But a number of people inquired about the Celestia's school already, and I honestly don't see a reason for it to be there anymore.

I was somehow convinced that it was like... the only one available for Canterlot at that time, lol.

 

3# What I've meant is that she just feels lonely, not upset, in the big city without her sister around. So she keeps Imperio as a companion, not to feel so alone. That's absolutely all to it.

[RAGESTAR 479]

Ok, before I post this link to my mane OC, I just want to warn you...he's extremely OP and has a very dark backstory. So go easy on me, lol.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/crimson-grinn-r3232

[DormantAccount 308]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/dexterous-wings-aka-dexxy-r7337

 

Eh, what the hay. Might be fun.

[Soldier Surplus 232]

The link is in my signature for him. Do your best

[Venomous 18,813]

Here you go:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/wolf-r7447

 

Please also look at her on my profile!

[AmberDust 1,116]

I'm also offering to help people with their OCs here, if you don't mind my advertising (link in signature).

 

Anyways, I was hoping I could get your help/opinion on my character's colour scheme right off the bat: http://mlpforums.com/topic/114246-colours-help-me-decide/#entry3250514

 

Here's her entire profile: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/amber-dust-r7518

(But really what I need most is help with colours--I'm pretty desperate.)

 

(You don't need to review her personality and such just yet if you're too busy, although I'd really appreciate it. I guess that's up to you and your curiosity. She's still a work in progress, and she's my first mlp OC.)

Edited December 2, 2014 by AmberDust

[Fractured 2,683]

Vera Alithea's OC profile:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/vera-alithea-r7486

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

@@DiscordedCelestia,

Jamesinium

 

 

Design:

Pretty okay-ish. The colours need some lightening up and desaturating. Overall solid, if not memorable.

5/10

 

Background:

A bit very talented for a twelve year old, isn't he? A writer, an athlete and a welder and all of that before his cutiemark? I can take or leave the Canterlot Hiigh origin; it doesn't really seem to contribute much to his character. As for the shipping part...not really a fan, though apprently neither are you.

4/10

Overall 4.5/10: To be honest, it looks like not a whole lot of effort was put into it

 

 

.

 

@@Overdrive,

Overdrive

 

 

Design:

I like it; very cool idea for a mane style and the accessories work nicely fore the overall look.

-If you got the possibibilities, make sure that the comb actually runs in the middle of the forehead and has some "depth" to it

-the eyes are a bit too dark (as a rule: darker than Pinkie's eyes rarely works)

8/10

 

Backstory:

The crime/violence stuff doesn't really add anything (also seems odd for Equestra). Why couldn't he have simply left his home out of wanderlust?

Also, preeeetty sure there there aren't any cars in Equestria.

The rest is fine, as far as I'm concerned.

6/10

Overall: 7/10

My suggestion: Just swap out the car for an airship/FlimFlam-style vehicle (no reason to not keep the name).

 

 

@,

 

Mad Hatter:

 

 

Design:

Decent design. The colourscheme works very well, maybe change the eyecolour around a bit to add some variety.

7/10

 

Backstory:

Yeah, I like Daredevil as much as the next guy, but nothing here feels remotely canon.

0/10

 

Overall: 2/10

My suggestion: Kick the attorny/Dexter bits, make him a quirky hat enthusiast.

 

 

 

@@HunterTSN,

Zephyr

 

 

 

Design:

Very cool design; simple and effective.

-Maybe make her eyes a pale/greyish green to keep with the overall slkycolour theme

-maybe stylize to bars/get rid of the writing on her cutiemark; as it is it looks a bit overdetailed

8.5/10

 

Backstory:

Love it. Very touching without coming off as soppy.

The only thing I'd suggest would be easing up on the slum thing. I don't thing Equestria has these.

Not saying her family shouldn't be struggling (five kids will do that to one provider), just not tune it back a smidgen.

9/10

 

Overall: 9/10: Very cool character, would go out for cider with.

 

 

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

 

 

@,

 

Mad Hatter:

 

 

Design:

Decent design. The colourscheme works very well, maybe change the eyecolour around a bit to add some variety.

7/10

 

Backstory:

Yeah, I like Daredevil as much as the next guy, but nothing here feels remotely canon.

0/10

 

Overall: 2/10

My suggestion: Kick the attorny/Dexter bits, make him a quirky hat enthusiast.

 

 

I might do that.

Hatter is my Ponysona,and I wanted to give him an exciting type of life.

Cause,I myself want an exciting life.

But,yeah the whole assassin/attorney thing is pretty lame.

I'll make sure to work on it.

 

Also,the eye color is supposed to match his hair. So,I won't change that.

 

But,thanks for the suggestions! I appreciate it. 

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

@@Blue Moon

Blue Moon

 

 

 

Design:

Very nice design, awesome colourscheme. If anything, held back by pony creator limitations.

9.5/10

 

Backstory:

Again, very nice stuff, feels like a pony that'd fit right into the show.

Maybe specify , how he knew about Luna growing up (it does make sense with him being a bookworm and interested in astronomy, but specigying would round the whole thing out nicely).

Him haviing a family is anice detail.

9.5/10

 

Overall: 9.5/10: Love it!

 

 

 

 

 

So go easy on me, lol.

Shan't; you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Crimson Grin

 

 

Design:

Not bad, the light grey and red work well with the dark clothing.

Maybe change the eyecolour to gold/amber and add some pirate bits (there's a pirate pony in the comics that can give you some pointers)

6.5/10

 

Backstory:

Yeah, no.

The backstory reads like a teenage trying to be edgy and the list of abilities sounds like that of a bad Sonic OC.

1/10

Overall: 2/10

My suggestion: KIck out all of the edge/superpowers and just make him a trader and part time pirate captain. Keep in the bits about Vanylla and his kids.

 

 

 

 

 

But,thanks for the suggestions! I appreciate it.

You're welcome, crazy valkyrie man.

[Shadowking58 1,136]

I'll just leave this here.

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/moonlit-ace-r6821

 

Oh, and for anyone else. A little tip.

Criticism is nice and can be helpful to you, but DON'T Let anyone convince you that your OC is bad. If YOU like your OC, then that's all that matters. The moment you let someone convince you that your OC is bad, that image you have of your OC will never be the same.

[Blue Moon 6,336]

@@Blue Moon

Blue Moon

 

 

 

Design:

Very nice design, awesome colourscheme. If anything, held back by pony creator limitations.

9.5/10

 

Backstory:

Again, very nice stuff, feels like a pony that'd fit right into the show.

Maybe specify , how he knew about Luna growing up (it does make sense with him being a bookworm and interested in astronomy, but specigying would round the whole thing out nicely).

Him haviing a family is anice detail.

9.5/10

 

Overall: 9.5/10: Love it!

 

 

Thanks for the review! If you say the image is held back by pony creator, do you think I should use this picture instead on his profile?

 

 

[Soldier Surplus 232]

I'll just leave this here.

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/moonlit-ace-r6821

 

Oh, and for anyone else. A little tip.

Criticism is nice and can be helpful to you, but DON'T Let anyone convince you that your OC is bad. If YOU like your OC, then that's all that matters. The moment you let someone convince you that your OC is bad, that image you have of your OC will never be the same.

Thanks for the advice. I always need to remind myself of that