slice of life Just Like Her (Looking For Opinions and Constructive Criticism)

[Sanic Screwdriver 345]

I still need to change some things up so this isn't the final product, but it's the first draft of the first chapter of a fan-fic I'm trying to write titled "Just Like Her" in which Apple Bloom realizes a special talent, but for fashion with Rarity, not with apples. Anything I need to fix (grammar, spelling, plot holes, someone out of character, etc.) and constructive criticism as well as opinions are very welcome! 

 

When the rooster crowed in the morning it was already too late to awake the young filly Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom had her hoof on the door before she heard her sister call out for her.

"Apple Bloom, where in the hay are you in such a rush to get to?"

Applejack stood at the base of the stairs, hairs of her mane out of place and with bags under her eyes that would give any insomniac a run for their money, but that's what years of getting up at the crack of dawn can do to a pony. Apple Bloom turned impatiently towards her sister.

"Ah'm goin' to Sweetie Belle's house." Apple Bloom explained. "Scootaloo can't come crusadin' with us on account of some pegasus holiday she's celebratin' with Rainbow Dash in Cloudsdale, so Sweetie Belle and I wanted to try earnin' our cutie marks in things only two ponies could do. We were gonna try ballroom dancin', singin' duets, ridin' two seat bicycles..." Apple Bloom trailed off. Applejack wanted to argue, but she could barely stand being up so early on a day where she didn't have any work to do.

"Alright, go on." Applejack said with a yawn. She began making her way back up the stairs. "Just don't wake anyone up with all your crusadin' and so fourth." However, Applejack had been wasting her breath. Apple Bloom was already gone.

 

***

 

By the time Apple Bloom arrived at Carousel Boutique, the sun had risen enough to justify being awake as sensible at best. The dainty purple door was met with the loud rapping of Apple Bloom's hoof against the wood. Apple Bloom's knocking was met with an equally loud and equally obnoxious yell.

"WHAT?!" Rarity screeched from inside, sending a sewing machine through the window to Apple Bloom's left.

Maybe I should come back later... Apple Bloom thought as she slowly backed away.

The door swung open to an exhausted looking Rarity who looked intimidating enough to make Applejack shiver in her boots. Her mane was a mess and she looked more tired than a high school student on a Monday. Upon making eye-contact with Apple Bloom, Rarity's face twinged into a smile for a brief second.

"You! In! Now!" Rarity demanded in an oddly lady-like and demanding tone. Rarity grabbed Apple Bloom with magic and pulled her into the Boutique,  slamming the door behind her.

Rarity immediately began shoving Apple Bloom into clothes and making necessary small adjustments to the fit.

"Uhm, Rarity, have you been up ALL night?" Apple Bloom asked feeling a bit of concern for her friend's sister.

"Mhmm" Rarity murmured through the pins resting between her lips.

Thought so. "Can Ah ask why?" Rarity pulled the last of the pins out of her mouth and pushed into the dress.

"An important client of mine thought it would be a 'brilliant' idea to wait until the night before to request three different dresses for the fillies in her play and I simply can't disappoint her and risk losing her business so I'm stuck complying with her demands that show a complete disregard for others and their work schedules!" Apple Bloom Wished she hadn't asked.

Apple Bloom squirmed a bit in the dress as rarity continued to fiddle with it, bringing scissors dangerously close to her in doing so.

"So is Sweetie Belle here or-" Apple Bloom began asking before being cut off by an impatient Rarity.

"Of course not she's with our parents today, why do you ask?" Rarity said. She spoke quickly, trying not to keep her focus away from the dress longer than she had to.

"Well I WAS supposed to meet with her today but-" Apple Bloom was once again cut off mid-sentence, but this time, Rarity was much more frantic.

"Oh no no no no! This cannot be!" Rarity began.  "This doesn't look at all as adorable as I planned!" She explained. "I can't show this to my client, she'll never want to give me her business again!" Rarity began hyperventilating while tears formed in her crystal blue eyes. Apple Bloom had trouble understanding if this behavior was a result of sleep deprivation or if it was just Rarity being herself. Apple Bloom  studied herself  in the nearby mirror. She was wearing a glittery, silky, poofy pink dress with not much appeal beyond that. The fact that she was wearing such a girly monstrosity  absolutely made her want to vomit but she kept thinking.

"Have you thought about fringing the edges?" Apple Bloom asked. Rarity's sobbing ceased immediately as she began to picture what Apple Bloom had said. Rarity let out a large gasp "That's it! You're absolutely right, that'll fit the character she's portraying perfectly! Thank you so much Apple Bloom!" Rarity had ripped the dress off of Apple Bloom and was in the other room working before Apple Bloom could even say the word "fashion."

"Well if that's all you need, Ah'm gonna head back to the farm and get some more shut-eye since Sweetie Belle isn't here." Said Apple Bloom who was making her way to the exit. Rarity poked her head through the doorway of the room she was working from. "Oh no you simply mustn't go! I've got more work to do later today and I need all the help I can get!" Rarity pleaded.

"I don't know Rarity Ah don't think Ah'll be much help." Apple Bloom replied.

"Of course you will! I would say you have a special talent for this sort of thing" Rarity explained.

Did she say "special talent?" As in cutie mark special talent? "Ah'm in!" Apple Bloom cheered!

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,694]

It's a nice story so far. I like it. Anything with Apple Bloom in it is going to be cute, and the premise of her helping Rarity with dressmaking is an interesting one. We don't know where the story is going yet, so I can't offer much feedback on the plot.

 

There are only two issues to work on a little bit. One is awkward sounding sentences, such as "By the time Apple Bloom arrived at Carousel Boutique, the sun had risen enough to justify being awake as sensible at best." I had to read that sentence 2 or 3 times to understand the meaning. To make it easier to understand, you could simplify it and throw in a few details to not only tell us but show us what time it is: "By the time Apple Bloom arrived at Carousel Boutique, the sun had risen a little higher. Ponies were beginning to step outside their houses and some were setting up shop in the market."

 

The other issue is punctuation, mostly commas. In the proper places, these make the dialogue easier to read. And try to be consistent with how Apple Bloom talks; instead of switching back and forth between "I" and "Ah", choose one or the other. (I would choose "I" because "Ah" isn't needed; we know what her voice sounds like already.)

"I don't know, Rarity. I don't think I'll be much help."

"Of course you will! I dare say you have a special talent for this sort of thing," Rarity explained.

 

If a line of dialogue comes first in a paragraph, end it with a comma. If a line of dialogue ends the paragraph, end it with a period instead. Like so:

"Blah blah," Derpy said.

Derpy said, "Blah blah."

"Blah blah," Derpy said, "and yadda yadda."

 

Hope that helps!

[Crystalthesnowpony 32]

This story seems interesting. I like how you have an idea about Applebloom's cutie mark. This will turn out to be a good quality story.

[Sanic Screwdriver 345]

It's a nice story so far. I like it. Anything with Apple Bloom in it is going to be cute, and the premise of her helping Rarity with dressmaking is an interesting one. We don't know where the story is going yet, so I can't offer much feedback on the plot.

 

There are only two issues to work on a little bit. One is awkward sounding sentences, such as "By the time Apple Bloom arrived at Carousel Boutique, the sun had risen enough to justify being awake as sensible at best." I had to read that sentence 2 or 3 times to understand the meaning. To make it easier to understand, you could simplify it and throw in a few details to not only tell us but show us what time it is: "By the time Apple Bloom arrived at Carousel Boutique, the sun had risen a little higher. Ponies were beginning to step outside their houses and some were setting up shop in the market."

 

The other issue is punctuation, mostly commas. In the proper places, these make the dialogue easier to read. And try to be consistent with how Apple Bloom talks; instead of switching back and forth between "I" and "Ah", choose one or the other. (I would choose "I" because "Ah" isn't needed; we know what her voice sounds like already.)

"I don't know, Rarity. I don't think I'll be much help."

"Of course you will! I dare say you have a special talent for this sort of thing," Rarity explained.

 

If a line of dialogue comes first in a paragraph, end it with a comma. If a line of dialogue ends the paragraph, end it with a period instead. Like so:

"Blah blah," Derpy said.

Derpy said, "Blah blah."

"Blah blah," Derpy said, "and yadda yadda."

 

Hope that helps!

This is very helpful, thanks a ton! Comma usage has always been one of my biggest problems in writing (mostly in dialogue) so this will help me a lot with that. Thanks a bunch! Most likely I'll end up re-writing this chapter but keeping the same premise, I'm still fairly new to writing and trying to get some practice in, but I like this premise too much to abandon it simply because I'm trying to practice. 

Edited February 26, 2015 by Sanic Screwdriver