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The Adventures of Feld0


Arylett Charnoa

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After thinking about the possibilities, someone please make a Feld0quest video

 

This needs to happen! XD

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This was the most epic I've seen in forever. To commemorate this, I think we need a banner with all of the mods and their weapons :D would be the most epic banner evar seen on a website in all of history ^^

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I have my own fan fiction now? :D

 

Ary, I love you. In a totally platonic way. :wub:

 

 

Your exaggerated characterizations of the moderators are brilliant, hilarious, yet accurate. I want to see more, and sincerely hope there are more chapters on the way. It's ridiculously entertaining, and I think any member who has been part of the community long enough to familiarize themselves with us ("us" as in the MLP Forums staff team) will love reading it.

 

Oh my God, thank you so much, Feld0. I love your detailed feedback. I thought the story was kind of silly and nopony would really like it because I'm self-conscious about it, but I feel so much better after reading this. I'm glad that my ridiculous representations get the staff in an accurate, albeit exaggerated way.

 

One question: will there be gruesome death?

 

The next chapter will feature much carnage.

 

..Feld0, what have you linked me to? This is either the greatest story I've ever read, or the strangest one I've seen. Either way, I'm amused. Many praise to you Arley.

 

Dick mode initiated.

 

When are you gonna release chapter 2 huh? Huh? Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?

 

Very soon. Either today or tommorow. :)

 

Bravo, bravo!

 

Posted Image

 

I hope to see more of this adventure soon! :P

 

Accurate Representation of Site Staff:

 

Posted Image

 

...This picture. Made me laugh so much. I love how there's a bunch of dudes and only one girl, just like us. I get to be Trinity? Dear lord, yes.

This was the most epic I've seen in forever. To commemorate this, I think we need a banner with all of the mods and their weapons :D would be the most epic banner evar seen on a website in all of history ^^

 

YOU HEARD THE MAN NICO

 

GET TO WORK, YOU ART MONKEY!

 

@The rest of you: Thank you all so much for your compliments, I smiled and laughed at each and every one of them, and truly appreciate that I could bring laughter to you guys. I'm definitely inspired to continue now. The first chapter was just a test to see if people wanted to get more, and now that they do, I'll write more. And I promise I won't just be like that fanfic author who just lets things die. I will see this through to the end.

  • Brohoof 9
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Accurate representation of supreme overlord himself:

 

Posted Image

 

It's unbelievable that feld0 is only 16, yet he looks like that. AWESOME

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Haha this is great so far! Accurate representations of the site staff while keeping it absolutley hilarious!? A new form of brilliance has been created...
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A fanfic staring the mods and Feld0? Ha! I love it! Nice work, I can't wait for more!

Really good Idea there Arylett!

I love the completely exaggerated personalities; it's hilarious because this is exactly how I imagine Feld0 would do things in his empire.

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(edited)

Chapter 2: Feldian Smite


"Klopp, have you got the Helikloppter ready?" The alicorn inquired of the pegasus with the epic Fedora, who nodded in response.

From the regions of Feld0-knew-where, (for he did, because he was the god of all things Feldian and Empire. But he wasn't about to tell anyone the secrets of his moderators, not even in his own thoughts as Feld0 was paranoid of ponies developing a way to remove thoughts from his mind. Wow, this got long-winded in a hurry. Why did Feld0 think so much to himself? Because he was a genius, that was why.) Klopp took out an elaborate-looking remote control with several huge and colourful buttons. He pressed one that said "Time to Klopp!" and the timid voice from the elevator appeared to have spoken from the remote.

"Um... I'm really really sorry... but you need to write a Kloppfic to make the Helikloppter work... please don't hurt me." Apologizing to the voice in the non-sentient remote because Klopp couldn't resist the charms of Fluttershy like most of the moderators, he then tapped his chin with his hoof.

"What seems to be the problem?" Asked Feld0.

"It's my Helikloppter. It used to be powered by my Fedora, but the troll ponies managed to steal a lot of its energy. So now I have to use its reserve stores, which I can only get from writing a Kloppfic." Klopp grinned apologetically as the admin regarded him with a blank stare.

"Can't I just power it with my Administrator Magic?"

"Well, you see, Feld0, the Helikloppter can only be powered by someone over 18. It IS a Kloppfic. That would be really inappropriate for your... age." The pegasus giggled a bit until Feld0 gave him a look that could only be described by the epithet: "HOLY SHIT STOP LAUGHING OR HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU." At which point Klopp proceeded to cease.

"Klopp... you do know what happens when you mock my age?"

"...Yes. Of course I do, your Eminence," even though his tone implied utter seriousness, Klopp kept grinning stupidly, which Feld0 felt was a mockery of his authority. He felt himself fuming at how happy that pegasus was all of the time and continued to glare at him. Feld0 caressed his lunar cannon dangerously, until the feminine touch intervened.

"Wait, wait! I've written a Kloppfic. Could we use that?"

All of the moderators looked at Arylett in shock. Zoop in particular began to twinge his hairless eyebrow.

"...A question, my dear lady Arylett. When did you write a Kloppfic?" asked the bald earth pony.

"Just now! I'm writing it right now!"

Everypony stared at the mare once again in confusion as Feld0 shook his manly head. These womenfolk and their insane ideas! That's why the God of the Feldian Empire never bothered modding any. If even someone as intelligent as he could not interpret such nonsense, then surely it was just lady babble. But Feld0 was too polite of a god to say this to her insane unicorn face.

"Just trust me. Even though I don't have a pen in my hooves, or with my magic, I am writing a fic with Klopp in it as we speak. In fact, I've already written a chapter of it, put it on the forums to great acclaim, and you yourself read it, Feld0!"

"I did? I don't remember doing that." Feld0 tried as he might to search his memory for this event, but nothing came up. Was his genius mind which was usually infallible failing him? How could this be?

"You popped in and gave me a brohoof... which by the way, was really painful. Your hooves are so powerful. You should watch where you use that god magic. Just trust me..." A konfused Klopp gave Arylett his remote, as she used her magic to grasp it. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them again, proclaiming boldly: "THIS IS A KLOPPFIC, ACCEPT MY GENEROUS DONATION, HELIKLOPPTER!"

"Um... all right. I guess I'll accept. Thank you, by the way, for being so kind as to give me a donation," replied the voice of a timid pegasus as a rainbow-coloured helicopter plastered in smiley faces of ponies came down from the skies. All of the modponies boarded it, as Feld0 made a note to himself to begrudgingly give the female mod 17 Feldian Points.

The mighty Helikloppter propelled itself through the night skies, unseen and unheard by the forum denizens as Nico had vectored it into invisibility. Onboard of this vehicle, Feld0 addressed a small and timid-looking pegasus who was not unlike the one whose voice was provided in the elevator and Helikloppter's mechanisms.

"So here is the plan, Jonke," said Feld0 simply.

"I daresay that I drempulated the visceral and neural on-goings of your mind which may be called by layfolk 'a plan' to therefore escresinate visa vi concordantly the moderators and an alicorn which is to be known as Feld0, which is to say the state of becoming and pultracizing yourself to apply a displeasuring course of jarring displeasure and administering a blick upon these members of an savage and that is to say vasculatingly bestial and most truculent disposition?" The lunar pegasus known as Swoop had spoken up in his normally fancy-worded tone. And as usual, Feld0 had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Translation: 'Isn't the plan going in to bash the hell out of everyone randomly?'" Zoop, as usual, provided the translations for this incomprehensible pony.

"Yes, this is usually the plan in any given place. But this seems to be a perplexing case of troll ponies. Very powerful. So we'll need your skills, Jonke."

"What can... can I do?" He looked down at the ground and began to shiver, which was a fearful reaction that Feld0 was so used to out of his own members and this moderator that he didn't even react.

"As you all know, everypony likes to complain for no reason. And troll ponies provoke this. Therefore, Jonke, when they start to complain and attack, I want you to act as a distraction for when we begin to hammer the crap out of everything. Use your adorable and shyly timid charms to make them be too d'aawwed to attack."

"But... but..."

"No buts! Follow my orders or you will be-"

Jonke's whimper interrupted Feld0's threat as he softly replied: "Yes sir..." He ignored the small pegasus grabbing Swoop's lemon plushie and going into a corner away from the other mods to snuggle with it, which had most of them going "d'aaww." That was what was quite unpleasant about having Jonke on the team; he often distracted everypony with his adorabality.

Feld0's lunar cannon exploded all over the Helikloppter with such a force that everymod jumped. And would've surely evacuated their bowels into their pants if they were ponies who wore clothes. (Not counting capes, of course. Also, Zoop didn't jump because he's badass) This was the tyrannical and most fearsome god's way of getting their attention.

"Focus, mods! Do you all understand the plan or must I repeat myself?"

They all nodded and responded with a despondent "Yes, your Greatness Feld0 of the Feldian Empire who is so very full of Feldishness."

"Good."

And lo and behold let it be said that the great Feld0 was indubitably pleased by the actions on this day. The Helikloppter proceeded past the delectable treats of Sugarcube Corner, (which Klopp, in a hypocritical move, jumped out of the Helikloppter to try to devour and almost caused them to crash until Swoop flew after him and yanked him back in) past the glorious shining and vast halls of Octavia, and past one of the most vile sections that apparently had the opposite of Feld0's MAN SHIELD which prevented all of the mods from going near it (and of course, it was moderated by that mare Arylett), and finally into the region of Cloudsdale.

As they approached the vast and sprawling Colosseum held up by clouds in the skies, Feld0 and the mods disembarked from the Helikloppter. It was due to a spell that Feld0 had cast on the Colosseum that the non-pegasi mods could walk on the clouds. Because he was just that godly and cool.

Upon arriving at the entrance of the Colosseum, they were immediately met with a sight of vicious chaos. The troll ponies, foaming at the mouth, were all shouting things at random. "LOL n000bs mu ltttle PNOY SCUKSS!!!!" filled the air with its eye-killing grammar. They were attacking other innocent ponies, jumping on them and bucking them with their hooves. Several of the innocent ponies had joined the calls of the troll ponies, also shouting hostile insults at them and complaining about how the state of the forums had worsened since x amount of months that they had joined.

Jonke shuddered and squeaked in fear as he hid behind the mighty Zoop. The alicorn glared at the bald pony and he stepped aside with a sigh. Then Feld0 used his mighty magic to toss Jonke into the fray. He shuddered and snuggled with Swoop's lemon plushie, which caused all of the non-troll ponies to stare at him and go "D'aawww" in unison. With them distracted, the glare of the sunlight hit Feld0's sunglasses in just that proper badass way as he lowered them slightly to survey the situation, completely unfazed.

"Modponies... attack."

All of the modponies immediately jumped into the fray, the bloodthirsty Zoop brandishing his absurdly huge ban hammer and laughing the most maniacally. Feld0 himself smirked as he took no action whatsoever. He was a god, after all. Let his underlings do most of the work. He would only step in when they proved incapable of the task. Grabbing a donut from a nearby tray, the mighty Administrator merely took a bite and yawned.

The troll ponies immediately ganged up on Zoop, trying to take more munches of his hair. But the bald pony let out a loud laugh: "Silly troll ponies... I'm already the baldest I can be!" He exclaimed as he discarded his hammer in favour of picking up several troll ponies in his bare hooves, and tossing them off of the clouds to fall to their demise. They let out high-pitched shrilly squeals as they disappeared from the site.

Meanwhile, Klopp was choosing a less direct method of combat. He grinned vastly at the other ponies and flashed his teeth, which caused them to be blinded by his happiness as he went in for the kill by throwing his Fedora as a boomerang. The troll ponies exploded into a burst of smiley faces which littered the clouds.

Nico was Nicojumping around Nicostabbing troll ponies with his Nicopartisan, which he had just vectored, and also vectoring holes into clouds. Swoop had babbled on for so long with his long-windedness that the troll ponies were bored to sleep, which caused Arylett to swoop in and kick them off of the clouds. Loud music played as an earth pony named Apple Bloom put on a shining ivory suit with sequins, and began to sing the troll ponies into explosions with "hunkahunka of burning pony love."

And it was all well and good, except that every time they had banned every of these trollish menaces, many more appeared in their place. The newest moderator, yet another pegasus with a dark mane known as Neikos, was suddenly grabbed and taken hostage as a big fat ugly troll pony took him and hoisted him above his head with his hooves. He laughed stupidly and goofily as his cronies gathered around him chanting "lulz" excessively.

"lulz whut you gunna do. we have ur mod!!!!" Shouted the idiot troll pony in as stupid and ungrammatically correct tone as he could muster. Nico aimed his partisan at the troll pony and leaped into the air until he put Neikos in front of himself and used him as a shield. At which point Arylett pulled him away with her magic.

"No! We can't hurt one of our own!" Shouted the mare with her ridiculous notions of female "caring."

"But if we don't, they'll destroy Cloudsdale!" replied Nico in a Nicoway.

"Dammit Nico, this is all your fault... it would appear we are stuck in a corner because of you," said Zoop in his Zoopishly cool way.

"Yeah! Blame Nico, Blame Nico!" All of the mods began to chant this as Nico facehoofed and shook his head. The great god Feld0 grimaced. Did he have to do everything himself? Apparently, his genius mind replied to him: "Yes." Good idea, Feldmind!

He focused only a fraction of his ungodly and infinite magic into his horn, casting a spell that made the clouds unable to be walked on by the troll ponies. They all immediately fell through the clouds to their doom, crying in that ridiculously satisfying high-pitched way most troll ponies did when they were vanquished. However, the lead troll pony, somehow having a bit more intelligence than the rest, realized that he was a pegasus. He used his wings to remain airborne and giggled idiotically at the mighty administrator.

"whut u gunna come get me???? heehehhehee"

"Pathetic mortal. You dare challenge a god?"

"u jus a kid u only 16 soooooo yooounnnng wut u gonna do kid???? i am 18 abuve age heeheheheee"

Oh. It. Was. On. NOPONY talked about Feld0's youth! Especially not such a lowly creature as this being that was not even worthy of walking his empire. It was one thing for Klopp to mention it, but this pathetic thing?

Feld0 flew at the pegasus with his lunar cannon aimed and ready to blast him into oblivion, but the troll pony swerved out of the way quickly, dropping Neikos in the process. However, before the troll pony or any of the other ponies could even react, Feld0 appeared down from the skies and let out an epic FELDBLAST at his ass. The troll pony shrieked in agony as he disintegrated and was completely wiped from the face of the entire universe. Every single particle of that particular pony would never exist again, because he had been subject to something that most mere mortals had never witnessed; the Feldian Smite.

"Buh... wuh... how..." stammered the other non-mod ponies as they witnessed the might of their god, shivering in fear.

Feld0 landed on a nearby cloud as if nothing had happened, wiping his hooves clean of debris and disregarding the other ponies who were staring at him with gaping and wide mouths.

"Well, you see... it's really quite simple. The Feld0 you saw was actually an illusion. I was hiding up in the skies the entire time, preparing my Feldian Smite to banish this pony so far off that the moon couldn't even be contemplated as an option." He grinned excitably as he explained it calmly and casually.

"And that, everypony, is-"

"PEEEETERRRR! IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!" exclaimed a loud female's voice, and Feld0 suddenly felt him being pulled away by an uncontrollable force out of his empire. The Colosseum before his eyes disappeared as he was forced away to do something so trivial as satiating mortal urges by "eating dinner." He had so many more important Feldian things to do!

Damn his mom. Edited by Arylett Dawnsborough
  • Brohoof 30
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Oh my goodness.... Oh my goodness! OH MY GOODNESS!! THAT STUFF IS FUNNY!!!!

 

It starts with the writing of the "kloppfic" to power the "helikloppter" (a fic with Klopp in it, of course) and then things start to get really real when Swoop starts talking. And then, the dramatic showdown with the trollponies. This was great. Absofreakinlutely freakin' hilarious!

 

I need to start off all of my days by reading this kind of stuff. Even though, everyone is probably thinking that I am absolutely insane for laughing so loudly at 6 am in the morning.....

 

Amusing characters, imaginative landscape, hilarious adversaries, and a remarkably random adventure - this is good stuff. Your story and style remind me of Terry Pratchett's Discworld series actually.

Edited by Scootacool
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Yet another great chapter to this fanfiction. I'm usually not reading fanfictions but when i do, there is nothing but good moments.

 

Awesome work, Ary! =)

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You may include me in this story, however I own a store selling Feldian souvenirs to visitors of the glorious, powerful, and Feldious, Feldian Empire, YOU MAY DO THAT

Edited by Narutardedscum
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Misogynist autocrats, fedora wearing, smile bearing pegasus's, overly verbose Luna wannabe's, permanently glabrous, formidable earth ponies, self-effacing d'aww magnets, and outlandish mares..

 

This calls for a new forum prefix:

 

♔ Best Story ♔

  • Brohoof 9
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CAPS LOCK PONY APPROVES OF YOUR FUC- ERR, FELLOW FAN-FIC, ARYL. YES, I FUC- FUDGING STAYED AWAY FROM SAYING MY CATCHPHRASE-BRONYSTEP-TOTALBRUDDA-WORD. THAT'S HOW GOOD YOUR FUDGING FAN-FIC IS, ARYL. IT MAKES FUDGING CAPS LOCK PONY CENSOR HIS WAYS OF SPEECH

 

THIS FAN-FIC HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY APPROVED BY CAPS LOCK PONY - THE BLACK-ZEBRA-TOTAL-BRUDDA

Edited by Viscra Maelstrom
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Explosion causing Fedorarang? I Approve.

 

Consistent happiness, that cannot be deterred? I Approve.

 

Hellikloppter being the most spectacular piece of equestrian engineering? I Approve.

 

Fluttershy being the voice of the command module? I Approve.

 

Bucket loads of puns dumped all over me and my username? Eh, I'll let it slide this time. ;)

 

To be honest, this is absolutely spectacular, and I 100% agree with Swoop. However, one more prefix is needed.

 

♔ Best Story ♔

♈Official Kloppfic♈

  • Brohoof 10
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Zoop x Klopp OTP.

 

Seriously though, this is amazing.

 

Edit: I'm surprised one of our artistically inclined members hasn't produced fan art based on the descriptions in this fic yet.

Edited by Crispy
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Helikloppter alone had me laughing on the floor. (Or would have, had I been allowed such lack of decorum in the public area I'm on the forum on at the moment.)

 

Another excellent, hilarious chapter. Damn his mom indeed.

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Oh god. My sides hurt Posted Image

 

A piece of machinery powered by a clopfiction? Oh lawd

 

My dear, you have mistakenly confused a Kloppfic with a Clopfic. One is a stupendous piece of work, containing one ivory-furred, blue-maned pony topped with the most brilliant of headgear, while the other is... well, porn. If I ever see someone attempt to combine the two, I shall smite them with the force of a thousand grins. ;) Yes, I torture people with happiness. Problem? B)

  • Brohoof 9
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Ary, Y U NO LET ME READ KLOPPFIC?

loljk

I'm lovin this storiy, Pinkazoid demands next chapter

Edited by Dungeon Dragon
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