My MLP fan fiction story concept please feedback

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

The pony races are separated into Earth pony, Unicorn and Pegasus. The setting is not in Equestria but a large distant land with altering terrain (swamps, old style towns, desert, villages, tropical forests etc.) The lore takes place before alicorns were known. Responsibility of lowering and rising the sun and moon were controlled by two groups of unicorns (the solar unicorns and the lunar unicorns.) One day the Lunar unicorns became unhappy with their life style and role; rising the moon and watching over the night, isolated from all the other ponies even the solar unicorns. Tempted by the darkness and unknown of the night they became corrupt, wishing for everyone to lives in the darkness of night and to under the rule of the Lunar unicorns.

The Solar unicorns became angered by the Lunar unicorns treason. The Lunar unicorns actions began to get more desperate and started to fight the other pony races for control. The Solar and Lunar unicorns hate grew and grew more. One night through the power of dark magic the Lunar unicorn had created a new race of ponies. These ponies lacked magic however could soar silent through the sky, blend into darkness even become shadows, their fangs could kill with a single bite and they were violent. These were bat ponies.

 

The bat ponies sprang an attack on the Solar unicorns as did the Lunar unicorns. Many had died that day. Bat ponies were exiled into swamps and jungle and the Lunar unicorn race were destroyed. The solar unicorns afraid by what had occurred had decided to have stricter control over the land and were planning to take over other cities and lands. The lunar unicorn spirit is still alive however with in the Bat pony race, which still lives on separate from the outsiders.

 

 

Many years had passed since this great unicorn war. Bat ponies became less feral and made their own civilisation. The Great Unicorn war had made all the other pony races dislike each other more over the years after the war due to their fear and the Solar unicorns desire for more control.

[CrystalNight 181]

I like it! This is a good story plot for a Mlpfim fanfiction

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

I like it! This is a good story plot for a Mlpfim fanfiction

 Thanks =) I got my OC ideas but still working on it ATM. I have another thread for one of my OC's from now one all my fanfic's stuff will be posted here. 

[CrystalNight 181]

Cool! Looking forward to reading it. It really is a good idea

[Memory Lane 131]

Certainly interesting. So these tribes existed independently of those who founded Equestria? Plausible, but isn't there only one sun and moon to go around? Surely the Equestrian Unicorns and the Solar / Lunar Unicorns couldn't control them at once?

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

Certainly interesting. So these tribes existed independently of those who founded Equestria? Plausible, but isn't there only one sun and moon to go around? Surely the Equestrian Unicorns and the Solar / Lunar Unicorns couldn't control them at once?

 

The reason the jobs are segregated is because to rise and lower both sun and moon require a lot of magic. The two clan were made because one had to manage day and the other night. Some unicorns have tendency toward dark magic than others.

[Memory Lane 131]

 

 

The reason the jobs are segregated is because to rise and lower both sun and moon require a lot of magic. The two clan were made because one had to manage day and the other night. Some unicorns have tendency toward dark magic than others.

 

Well yes, I do imagine moving an entire celestial body does consume a greedy sum of magic. Dividing your Unicorn forces between a sun and moon shift is certainly the sensible thing to do. Though what I meant to highlight was how there seem to be two pony nations each claiming control over the same sun and moon. Doesn't that cause a problem?

 

Or could it be your story is meant to be a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve?

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

Well yes, I do imagine moving an entire celestial body does consume a greedy sum of magic. Dividing your Unicorn forces between a sun and moon shift is certainly the sensible thing to do. Though what I meant to highlight was how there seem to be two pony nations each claiming control over the same sun and moon. Doesn't that cause a problem?

 

Or could it be your story is meant to be a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve?

 

 

The solar and lunar clans were once one force but now divided, however they do communicate but only through messages between the head ruler of each clan. Lunar clan rises and lowers moon exclusively and Solar exclusively to the sun. They communicate in order to time the fall and rise of the moon correctly. =) Hope this helps and thanks for the interest =)

[Memory Lane 131]

 

 

The solar and lunar clans were once one force but now divided, however they do communicate but only through messages between the head ruler of each clan. Lunar clan rises and lowers moon exclusively and Solar exclusively to the sun. They communicate in order to time the fall and rise of the moon correctly. =) Hope this helps and thanks for the interest =)

 

Fanfiction covering the more vague areas in pony history is always intriguing to me. I'm simply trying to confirm where your story fits into the cannon we already know. The way you described the premise has left me unsure of something. Is this story a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve, covering events before the Windigo invasion? Or are we dealing with an entirely separate set of tribes who have their own history and who potentially founded their own kingdom?

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

Fanfiction covering the more vague areas in pony history is always intriguing to me. I'm simply trying to confirm where your story fits into the cannon we already know. The way you described the premise has left me unsure of something. Is this story a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve, covering events before the Windigo invasion? Or are we dealing with an entirely separate set of tribes who have their own history and who potentially founded their own kingdom?

 

It's completely separate from the canon of the show. The location isn't Equestria, its a distant large mass land with small islands around it ( place not named yet) The history is separate as well.

 

Basically some of the concepts and story are very dark. For example their is a lot of prejudice, violence and dark themes. An idea i currently have is that because bat ponies are born from dark magic and corruption they are born with eternal sin ( according to their own history). No matter what they do when they die they will be sent back once they came. Religion exists in this story but only select few believe it and it is very varied between areas. 

[Memory Lane 131]

Oh really? So we have an AU style story then? Well now that may be even more interesting. So much more creative freedom for the writer and so much less predictability for the reader. In any case, I wouldn't mind giving your story a casual read should you choose to publish it someday.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Keyclipse

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

I'll be working on it soon atm I doing backstories for all the main characters they will be posted here

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

In a time before records had been taken, a large mysterious land not yet named existed. This strange land was so large its terrain was greatly diverse from the hottest desserts to the wettest of jungles and more lived 3 races of ponies; Unicorns, earth ponies and Pegasus. The unicorns gifted with a horn to wield the unknown powers of magic are the most highly regarded race as being the most powerful and important for the land to flourish. The Pegasus race talents in flying and cloud walking made them valuable as warriors and messengers to the unicorn race. The Pegasus could influence the weather but alone their control on weather was futile. The earth ponies were deemed as lower class to the unicorns; only good for growing food and general labour thanks to their great strength and stamina. From time to time the earth ponies would be used as pawns of war, sacrificial.  The unicorns sorted out balanced in the world with democracies and a few unicorns were capable of  controlling the rise and fall of both sun and moon and the other races roles in there ideal world.

The unicorns shaped the landscape developing cities and villages. As time went on some of the unicorns struggled to move the celestial bodies without pain and suffering due the restless work, staying up night and day to monitor day and night. It was devised that unicorns would be segregated based on which celestial bodies they were better capable of moving the sun or the moon. What they did not know was that controlling the moon and night required the influence of dark magic, this dark magic was more powerful than the typical light magic but corrupted its user after high exposure. The dark magic was chaotic driving its users insane and angry. Once the segregation was completed between the unicorns powers they distanced each other for more presence over the land, the two clans were know and the Solar Nation and Lunar Empire.

The head of the Solar Nation was a talented unicorn named Aquarius, he ruled with power and might, he was un-challenged by his peer due to his strong magic and sword skills. The ruler of the Lunar Empire was a unicorn called Lilium. Whilst being a weak body her mind and intelligence was vast, she had the tightest grasp on the power of dark magic; she was able to move the moon and stars at a young age and so was made the head of the Lunar Empire.
The legend of the night creature now known as bat ponies and the story an epic journey of a fellowship begins when the Lunar Empire stopped all communication with the Solar Nation.

 

“My lord the lunar empire has not sent a message in over 6 days. What action do you want us to take?” spoke Dawn Bringer. Aquarius sat on his throne and pondered what to do about the situation. He thought to himself “ hmm its unlike Lilium to be this reckless and unresponsive”. “ I must take charge of her, she can’t do this to my great nation of hard working ponies” he exclaimed.  He then stared directly at Dawn Bringer with a merciless look. Aquarius knew he had Dawn bringer and his army under his hoof. “ Dawn Bringer, do you understand how important loyalty is to me and this great nation?”. Dawn bringer felt a cold sensation run up his neck. He dropped his head. “yes Lord Aquarius. I understand”. Aquarius rose slowly but stoically from his throne and walked towards the nervous Pegasus guard. “Dawn Bringer I know your Pegasus tropes are strong. You make a great addition to my unicorn forces you know”. Dawn bringer looked up to Aquarius somewhat calmer feeling than before, with a sigh of relief “thank you my lord”.

 

Aquarius looked towards the Pegasus again then proceeded to walk around his grand throne room occasionally picking up artifacts and studying them; he spoke softly. “This nation is founded on trust as you know, and the thought of protection and safety to all whom live within it.”  Aquarius then looked back to dawn bringer and snarled angrily “If anyone within or outside this kingdom disobeys me or the laws founded by the Solar Nation they will be executed or maimed.”  
Dawn bringer appear shocked and distressed; he took a step to two away from the lord . Aquarius then calmed and smiled subtly. “No need to worry you and i both know that the traitors from this nation are all gone”.Aquarius trotted over to a stone table with paper and quill and began to write a message addressed to the Lunar Empire.  The lord requested the message to be personally delivered to Lilium by Dawn bringer. Dawn bringer took the scroll from the lord and flew at sunset towards the land of dusk…

 

 

 

( sorry if there are spelling errors or grammatical errors) 

[Once In A Blue Moon 894]

You've clearly got a good idea of the Alternate Universe that you want to create, which is a really important for an AU. What is your plan for the story, though? Are you going to follow one character through a major event or series of events, or are we going to see a particular event through the eyes of multiple characters? Or something else entirely? If you're writing your characters' back-stories, you need to be thinking about the whole story - why will it matter to them? Why will they get involved, and how? How will they react to the events and other characters around them? Their back-story should make it clear why they act in the way they do, and by revealing (or hinting at) certain parts of it throughout the story we (the readers) will feel that we are getting to know them and will understand why they act the way they do.

 

Anothersuggestion would be that if the grammar or spelling going to be an issue then find a proof-reader that has good spelling and grammar. Well, everyone should have a good proof-reader full stop, but finding someone to help with it will make your work far more appealing.

 

Most of all, though, if you want to write this story then please do.

[Memory Lane 131]

Ah yes, I remember this story you were working on. I can see in this universe, Unicorns will be supremacist. They even seem to have conquered the Earth and Pegasi somehow, forced them into servitude. How cruel.

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

Thanks for f

You've clearly got a good idea of the Alternate Universe that you want to create, which is a really important for an AU. What is your plan for the story, though? Are you going to follow one character through a major event or series of events, or are we going to see a particular event through the eyes of multiple characters? Or something else entirely? If you're writing your characters' back-stories, you need to be thinking about the whole story - why will it matter to them? Why will they get involved, and how? How will they react to the events and other characters around them? Their back-story should make it clear why they act in the way they do, and by revealing (or hinting at) certain parts of it throughout the story we (the readers) will feel that we are getting to know them and will understand why they act the way they do.

Anothersuggestion would be that if the grammar or spelling going to be an issue then find a proof-reader that has good spelling and grammar. Well, everyone should have a good proof-reader full stop, but finding someone to help with it will make your work far more appealing.

Most of all, though, if you want to write this story then please do.

Thanks for feedback this want I've written so far is just a starting point for the story of the lore. It will be changed and added to until it seems finished to me I wanted opinions of what has been written so far to see if my writing style needed work

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

What do you think is the best way to write 1st or third person for each character?

[Once In A Blue Moon 894]

 

 

What do you think is the best way to write 1st or third person for each character?

 

That depends entirely on which you write better - you wrote the earlier section in 3rd person, so if that's what you're most familiar with then go with that. 

 

 

 

I wanted opinions of what has been written so far to see if my writing style needed work

 

 

I think that the technique is what you should be working on. Little things such as starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes, misplaced apostrophes and lower case letters that should be capitals all add up to make a passage harder to read. A really entertaining book on the subject is 'Eats, shoots and Leaves' by Lynne Truss, but there are plenty of free writing guides around (I recall reading a fairly good one on FimFiction, but a quick google search will turn up thousands more.)

[Jonquil Earthpony 168]

Rough daft of "Eclipse" 

 

Prologue

“The world is cruel, despite those wanting to improve our land; they never do so fairly; you see power can change a lot about ones perspective on life. Once you are high enough in social rank to look below at the common, do we think that their lives mean less than our own wants and expectations. This land is vast with terrain diverse; not much is known, only a selected few scrolls reveal details of the wilderness. Civilianisation’s living in distant cities and villages should be thankful. Humble simpler lives they have, no hierarchy to control them. All which keeps them in order is willingness to help their own pony-kin. They truly are foolish; I guess no matter how we live we face injustice.  Unicorns like I am, are regal with fantastical powers beyond any common pegasus or earth pony. We collectively can move celestial bodies; we control the rise and fall of day and night. We keep the land in balance of nature which in turn means balance to our lands.  This empire I rule over watches over and protect the night and rest in the day. I must say the night is truly unknown in its beauty, so many things which not known or understood. The stars navigate the sky opening all new ideas and development of knowledge. Knowledge in my eyes needs to be sought-after. The night is powerful granting me and my ponies of the Luna Empire the gift of this now called dark magic. Dark magic is what allows our top unicorn and I to collectively lift and drop the stars and the moon as transitioning from day to night. Like regular light magic can cause events and spells to be cast as well as levitation, however dark magic requires less effort and result of casting are much grander. Currently this new magic is being studied by me and a few council members. It appears that dark magic has life within it, which makes it very powerful to wield.”
“My brother land, the Solar Nation does not wish to understand to night as they have deemed it as un- important as they control the day. I feel they are fearful of the potential power the night could have over them, well it’s not a surprise. The Solar Nation runs on very strict control and the use of lower races to fulfil their duties and less important roles. The Luna Empire is the one whom are truly proud, only unicorns live here. Soon the Solar Nation will learn the power and the unknown fears of the night! They will learn the power that I, Lillium possess within …”

 

Chapter 1

The sun was high, clouds minimal as a white and yellow Pegasus flew through the skies inside the Solar Nation. He broke and slew down to observe to town below his hooves; Unicorns walking through the town in elegant attire, buying, selling and doing daily routines. It appeared normal but Dawnbringer knew of the dark underbelly of the nation and he was going to meet it. The Pegasus flew towards a grey castle then through a window and landed gently into a cold stone hallway. He began to walk slowly with only the sound of metal hooves hitting stone and glint of gold and silver artefacts.  He checked upon his leather saddle bag to see if the message was still there and it was. He cautiously wondered until he found a gold plated double door with to armoured unicorn guards. The guard were covered in bronze they were indistinguishable their eyes glared towards Dawnbringer. “Who wishes to see the Lord Aquarius? State your business Pegasus.” Said a guard.

Then a voice came from inside the throne room. “Guards! Let him in.” the voice was deep and echoed through the hallway. The door was then opened and Dawnbringer entered the throne room still acting carefully around royalty. “My lord the lunar empire has not sent a message in over 6 days. What action do you want my flight army to take?” spoke Dawn Bringer. His eye failed to look at the lord.

Lord Aquarius sat on his throne the light shined behind him showing little to his character. He sat and pondered what to do about the situation; he saw Dawnbringer’s fear and relished it. But then his mind went to more important matters. “Hmm it’s unlike Lilium to be this unresponsive. The rise and fall of the night is taking longer than it should. They can’t be struggling; they are doing this to spite me! I must take charge of her; her and her philosophies are making the empire non-cooperative to my glorious Nation! How dare she!”  The angry flowed from Aquarius; the strong unicorn stood up from his throne chair and stared directly at Dawnbringer with a merciless look. Aquarius knew he had Dawn bringer and his army under his hoof. “Dawnbringer do you understand how important loyalty is to me and this great nation?”. Dawnbringer felt a cold sensation run up his neck. He dropped his head. “Yes Lord Aquarius. I understand”. Aquarius rose slowly but stoically towards the nervous Pegasus commander. “Dawn Bringer I know your Pegasus tropes are strong. You and your tropes make a great addition to my unicorn forces”. Dawn bringer looked up to Aquarius somewhat calmer feeling than before, with a sigh of relief “th thank you my lord”.
Aquarius looked towards the Pegasus again then proceeded to walk around his grand throne room occasionally picking up artefacts and studying them; he spoke softly. “This nation is founded on trust as you know, and the thought of protection and safety to all whom live within it.”  Aquarius then looked back to Dawnbringer and snarled angrily “If anyone within or outside this kingdom disobeys me or the laws founded by the Solar Nation they will be executed or maimed.”  
Dawn bringer appears shocked and distressed; he took a step to two away from the lord.  Aquarius then calmed and smiled subtly. “No need to worry you and i both know that the traitors from this nation are all gone”.  Aquarius trotted over to a stone table with paper and quill and began to write a message addressed to the Lunar Empire.  The lord requested the message to be personally delivered to Lilium by Dawn bringer. Dawn bringer took the scroll from the lord quickly to escape his wrath. Dawnbringer trotted out the throne room and jumped out a wide window and flew towards the land of the Luna Empire. Dawnbringer felt sickened by leaving his troops; families and friends behind him. Them in the hooves of the Solar Nation, but he had to leave to protect their lives.
Aquarius waited until the air became silent. He left his throne room and walk towards a stairwell leading to the lower levels of the castle. His armour was made of thick gold coloured metal which fitted around his robust navy body, neck and head. The shimmer formed from the sun reflecting of his armour matched hues of his mane and tail; blonde but almost white. He made his way down the stairs calmly until he had encounter to lowest level of the castle; of where Dawnbringer’s troops were kept within stone walls and metal framework. He walked passed them all and spoke addressing them all at once.  Only the sound of his breath and hoof steps echoed through the large chamber.

“ Dawnbringer has left you for the time being. I don’t think you would like to leave this nation would you?”
The chamber was silent. Aquarius continued. “I feel now you are becoming one with this nation you need to be branded with our own emblem… it’s a painful process but I assure you the mark giving to you is a mark of greatness and power like I.”

Aquarius then left the chamber of sadden and concerned pegasi. Returning to his private room he laid down upon a large gold decretive lounge, he sighed quietly to himself. He then looked toward his flank and stared at his cutie mark. “If only I could remember my true mark.” A tear rolled down from his eye streaming down his face he thought to himself “No, childish things need to be put aside. I am the last of Solar royalty; I need to be… strong.”