Lines you'll never catch FIM characters saying.

[CaptainDoubloon 856]

Anypony: I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow to the knee.

[Derpy Derper 87]

Rainbow: Can I have some Apple Cider? Extra alcoholic please.

__________________________________________________

Twilight: Hey Celestia, why can't I do the things you do yet?

Celestia: Your too young. 

Twilight: oh. 

[Singe 2,109]

Spitfire: How does it look doctor?

Doctor: Not good. I lost my lunch, my breakfast, last's night dinner, and everything before that.

Spitfire: I meant Rainbow Dash.

Doctor: A complete mess. All her feathers have been torn out. She won't be able to fly anymore.

Spitfire: What sick monster could have done it?

Lightning Dust: *Looking from outside the window and laughs evilly.*

[Singe 2,109]

Applebloom: Big Mac, I want to ask you a very personal question. Are you making me an aunt?

Big Mac: *Chokes*

 

Rainbow Dash: Thanks for helping me out on this.

Spitfire: Sure. You're lucky Rainbow Dash, my dad left us to run away with another pony.

Rainbow Dash:...............

 

[Pinkie_Pi 348]

The episode that will never be: FIM INTERVENTION!

Tonight on FIM, the main 6 confront Rainbow Dash after finding her using steroids to outperform the other Wonderbolts. Things only get worse when Apple Jack finds Twilight Sparkle's stash of non-prescribed adderall, and they all discover that Pinkie Pie hasn't been using powdered sugar when she excuses herself to the little fillies room.  Rarity shocks everyone by confessing to over using xanex. The episode comes to an emotional climax when Apple Jack breaks down and tells all that she has been dipping into Granny's "medicinal" zap apple cider for years. Drama! Denial! Maybe even Discord on FIM INTERVENTION!

Edited June 18, 2017 by Pinkie_Pi

[Castle Bleck 19,166]

2 minutes ago, Pinkie_Pi said:

The episode that will never be: FIM INTERVENTION!

Tonight on FIM, the main 6 confront Rainbow Dash after finding her using steroids to outperform the other Wonderbolts. Things only get worse when Apple Jack finds Twilight Sparkle's stash of non-prescribed adderall, and they all discover that Pinkie Pie hasn't been using powdered sugar when she excuses herself to the little fillies room.  Rarity shocks everyone by confessing to over using xanex. The episode comes to an emotional climax when Apple Jack breaks down and tells all that she has been dipping into Granny's "medicinal" zap apple cider for year. Drama! Denial! Maybe even Discord on FIM INTERVENTION!

 

But if anypony ends up in the hospital, then the show will suddenly become... E(quest)R(ia)!

 

 

[Singe 2,109]

Scootaloo: Here Rainbow Dash caused several explosions at the weather factory. Princess Celestia called it an act of terrorism.

Windy Whistles: Is that something we should be proud of?

Bow Hot Hoof: Yea, Rainbow Dash fight the clouds. I guess.

 

Bow Hot Hoof: My Rainbow Dash has best looking flank in the Wonderbolts.

Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles: Number 1 flank! Number 1 flank!

Rainbow Dash: *Embarrassed.* Mom! Dad!

 

Rarity: Now you understand what I was trying to explain.

Applejack: I get it and I'll make it right. *Walks towards Strawberry Sunrise house.*

Rarity: Did you not get the point? You're suppose to go the other way and make amends. 

Applejack: An Apple never leaves until it's all settled.

Rarity: You can be so vindictive!

 

 

[CypherHoof 26,479]

EG Official: Great, your team is all set for the Equestria Games - you just need to give us samples for the steroid tests, and get your flanks there on the day!

[Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy look at each other, then both look at Bulk Biceps]

Fluttershy: What the Buck?

[CheeryFox 23,811]

RD: Wuss poppin', P? 

[Singe 2,109]

Twilight Sparkle: Sorry, I'm late. I had to deal with Spike complaining about nightmares. Stupid dragon kept saying Nightmare Moon and Day Breaker was going to destroy him. *Laughs.*
Luna: Sister, you did not send those two to....?

Celestia: I might have.

 

Starlight Glimmer: Pancakes with a happy face. They're delicious.

Celestia: Glad you're enjoying them.

Starlight Glimmer: By the way, this atmosphere and setting kinda gives the vibe like you're coming on to me. 

Celestia: Really?

Starlight Glimmer: Totally. Could you picture it, Twilight's mentor and her student doing something forbidden. Twilight would be watching the whole thing and freaking out. I think she spies on her friends even in their most private moments.

*Watching with her crystal ball.*

Twilight Sparkle: That can't be proven in the courts.

                                                                                                                              

 

Edited June 18, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,951]

Random mule: Actually, that's pretty offensive.

[Ingoma 75]

Applejack: My parents are dead. It was gory.

Scootaloo: I can fly without any help!

Celestia: Twilight, you're immortal and every pony else isn't. Say goodbye to them on there deathbeds!

Derpy: My name is Derpy Hooves

Rarity: I hate autocorrect. 

Rainbow Dash: Ponies who don't believe in autocorrect should go straight to he'll!

Edited June 18, 2017 by Ingoma

[Singe 2,109]

Princess Celestia: Here I am alone, now to find a pony to save. Oh my, is that one of those dreams I heard about. So naughty, but I can't look away. I can definitely see how the male population thinks of us, princesses. That one over there has the whole collection, he must be basement dweller. *Laughs.* 

 

Rainbow Dash: There was a breaking point, where my parents went too far.

Scootaloo: Which was?

Rainbow Dash: Potty training. They had to make it known to the whole world.

 

Sugar Belle: Big Mac, tell me something about yourself.

Big Mac: I dressed up as a lady for my young sister.

Sugar Belle: That is so progressive. Do you like role playing?

Big Mac: Yep.

Edited June 19, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Princess Luna: You dare question my duty to protect the dream dimension.

Princess Celestia: You just go around play fighting other ponies' imaginations. They've went 1000 years without you protecting their oh so fragile minds from their own fears. Please if your role was so important, this kingdom would have already fallen. Your role is nothing more than keeping ponies from having to change their bed sheets every morning.  

Starlight Glimmer: Critical hit, ouch.

Princess Luna: So then what should I do?

Starlight Glimmer: You could always be the Princess of that one city.

Princess Luna: I would never associate myself with a city of drinking, gambling, drugs, one night motels, naughty dancing, and such other sins. No, I will start my own media empire and besmirch your name my dear sister. *Leaves.*

Princess Celestia: She won't get far.

*Months later.*

Starlight Glimmer: The story reads Princess Celestia has carried on affairs with her students.

Twilight Sparkle: *Hyper ventilating.*

Edited June 20, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,951]

Rarity: I love you too, Spike.

[Singe 2,109]

Twilight Sparkle: Tell me everything that happened after I hyperventilated myself to death where I met God who told me to go back, where I woke up in the ER and teleported myself here. *Breathes heavy.* Give me a moment to get oxygen to my brain. What am I doing here? Who are these ponies?

 

Princess Luna: The one time and the photographer takes one picture when I wasn't smiling. He didn't bother to offer a retake. This wasn't a blasted one shot school photo.  

Starlight Glimmer: Yes. However was it really necessary to demand his employer to fire him, then have his assets seized, make his family disown him, and then banish him from the kingdom. 

Princess Luna: That was merely to return the level of humiliation that imbecile made me suffer. 

Starlight Glimmer: Could you maybe have given him a lighter punishment?

Princess Luna: Well I could have cut that out and just destroy him on the spot as an example to the population.

Starlight Glimmer: In front of the kids?

Princess Luna: *Smacks hoof on table.* They need to learn the world is harsh and never to cross a princess!

Edited June 20, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Rarity: I'm trying out this new hairspray that is all the rage.

Pinkie Pie: Watch out lose firework!

*Firework flies into Rarity.*

Rarity: Ah! Ah! Ah!

Twilight Sparkle: Rarity are you okay?

Rainbow Dash: She lit up like a roman candle.

Rarity: I think I will be okay.

Pinkie Pie: I am so sorry about your mane and tail.

Rarity: My mane and tail? Mirror now!

*Three days later.*

Spike: Rarity, I'm happy to see you're back. Are you wearing a wig and fake tail now?

Rarity: Yes. The doctor and stylist said that it was all burnt off to the point it can't be regrown.

Spike: I...I just can't continue with this. It's over between us. *Leaves.*

Rarity: Did my dragon slave dump me?

Edited June 21, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Applejack: Fashion is stupid.

*Gets slapped by Rarity.*
Applejack: Did you just slap me?

Rarity: Sorry, that's a reflex when ponies trash my career. Look I asked for someone to be practical. If I wanted a zealot to tell ponies what to wear, I would have asked Starlight Glimmer instead.

 

Starlight Glimmer: Spike, what are you doing on my bed?

Spike: I finally decided that you will be my number 2.

Starlight Glimmer: Number 2?

Spike: Yeah, the second pony I'll fall back on when it doesn't work out between Rarity and me. It's a great arrangement. So what do you say?

Starlight Glimmer: Get out.

 

Applejack: Look at Rarity trying to catch another tail again. *Looks to the side to see Spike stealing her rope.* Spike! Put down my rope! Dagnabbit, he's trying to do it again!

 

 

[pnylvr 185]

(Spoiler for Discordant Harmony)

Spoiler

Anyone: Would it kill you to act normal?

Discord: Yes, actually.

 

[Singe 2,109]

Twilight Sparkle: Starlight Glimmer wants to destroy the current timeline because she had a bad moment in her life.

Spike: Sounds like a typical snowflake.

Twilight Sparkle: Indeed, a snowflake wielding dangerous magic.

Starlight Glimmer: Ah! You both are driving me crazy! Why do you keep calling me a snowflake?! Why do you keep shouting "safe space" every time I put up my barrier?!

Edited June 24, 2017 by Singe

[heavens-champion 1,893]

Queen Chrysalis: Starlight, Starlight. Why. Won't. You. DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

plus:

Queen Chrysalis: Maybe I should have thought my plan through.

Edited June 25, 2017 by heavens-champion

[Castle Bleck 19,166]

Discordant Harmony, alternate ending:

 

Discord: *Reappears... in the afterlife.*

 

[Lunar Echo 10,334]

I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, (Old Luna Shouts) hear my voice ponies!, do whatever I say as I am the one true legend 27.

[Singe 2,109]

Spike: Twilight, Applejack keeps telling me I'm going to hell.

Twilight Sparkle: Spike, I can't do anything about that. A princess has to respect the freedoms of all religions.

Starlight Glimmer: *Raises an eyebrow*

Twilight Sparkle: Yours doesn't count.

[Singe 2,109]

Rarity: Twilight, you're covered all over in something that's icky and sticky.

Twilight Sparkle: It's glue.

Rarity: Oh, glad you cut me off before my mind started to wander.

Twilight Sparkle: What did you think it was?

Rarity: Nothing.

 

Pinkie Pie: So Rainbow Dash, is it true that the Wonderbolts hold that kind of *wink* party after every successful show.

Rainbow Dash: *Shocked.* I can neither confirm nor deny that such parties exist.

 

Spike: So how was your trip?

Applejack: Ooooooweeeee!

Twilight Sparkle: It was a lot of fun.

Rainbow Dash: Best studs in all of Equestria.

Pinkie Pie: Rarity, stood out from the pack.

Spike: Rarity?

Rarity: Call me Wild Girl! High hoof!

Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie: High hoof!

Spike: What did you all do?

Fluttershy: Sorry, Spike you're still too young

Applejack: I bet Big Mac would like to hear all the details.

Big Mac: *Blush.* Nope.