Lines you'll never catch FIM characters saying.

[Singe 2,109]

Granny Smith: Well since we're clearing the air of your parents. It didn't take long until after Big Mac was born for the romance between Bright Mac and Pear Butter to fizzle out. Applejack and Apple Bloom were born out of Bright Mac and Pear Butter having affairs with two other Apple family members.

Applejack and Applebloom: What?!

 

Bright Mac: No sir, I was the one that broke the silo.

Grand Pear: Your mother put you up to this. Sabotage my pear farm and try to frame my daughter for it.

 

Granny Smith: It's about time to put this rivalry to rest.

Grand Pear: Yes. It was a silly rivalry that cost me family and all I got to show for it is my Farmer of the Century award from Princess Celestia.

Granny Smith: *Mumbles in anger.*

Grand Pear: I too, am heart broken at such a loss Granny Smith.

 

Random Friendship Lesson Book Reader: Twilight's lessons aren't boring, they're preachy.

 

Starlight Glimmer: They're not letting up out there.

Twilight Sparkle: Tell me about it, I haven't see a hounding like that since Pinkie Pie kept trying to friend Cranky.

*Cutaway to Pinkie Pie keeps getting friend denials from Cranky on social media.*

Pinkie Pie: Did you just do a Family Guy cutaway gag about me? Really.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Applejack: Big Mac doesn't talk much.

Starlight Glimmer: He must have walked in on his parents bedroom by accident.

Big Mac: *Sounds of Bright Mac and Pear Butter *wink* going through his head.* Why is daddy hurting mommy?!

 

Twilight Sparkle: I've went through our annual budget and these trips have put us in the red. Everyone will have to start chipping in their share.

 

Applebloom: Big Mac and Sugar Belle are hitting it off.

Sweetie Belle: Well let's get out of here before they start playing with the whipped cream. 

Scootaloo: You must have been reading Rarity's romance novels again.

 

Cheerlie: Applebloom, I haven't seen Big Mac around lately.

Applebloom: Big Mac is with his new girlfriend Sugar Belle, always testing how sturdy that shelf he built for her is.

 

Rarity: I'll have to hire some models to display my new line of Rarity's Secret. My friends wouldn't be caught dead in them and I'm tired of cleaning up *gag* Spike off the floor when he sees me wearing it.

 

Male Pony: Was there something you wanted to tell me?

Changling: Yes. *Changes from female pony to changling form.* I am a changling. Does this change your opinion about me?

Male Pony: It actually makes me more excited. Being that you could be any....*drools* hot pony in Equestria. You could even be one of the Princesses. *Straightens himself up.* Pardon my perverse response.

Changling: So who were you thinking of?

 

Fluttershy: I am assertive and it took many tries. But can you say you could do something once and be good at it?

Random Friendship Lesson Book Reader:  Well no.

Fluttershy: See.

Random Friendship Lesson Book Reader: But it shouldn't take you more than year of getting over your shyness. It only took me a semester to pass a class that improved my socializing skills.

Fluttershy: Well, I'm just a slower learner who never went to college.

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, she shouldn't have said that.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Singe

[Luigi 7,868]

(Shining Armor and Princess Cadance are in a Haunted Mansion trying to rescue Twilight. They suddenly hear Twilight crying when they're in the library)

Cadance: Darling, do you hear that? Twilight's crying!

S.A.: (Is investigating a bookcase) I sure do. Her crying seems louder over here. Pass me that candle, will you?

(Cadance takes out the candle, but almost immediately the bookcase turns around so it and S.A. are on the other side of the wall)

Cadance: Shining Armor? Where are you?

S.A.: PUT THE CANDLE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Cadance puts the candle back, but the bookcase this time does a 360 turn instead of the 180, so S.A. is still on the other side of the wall)

S.A.: Okay, Cadance. I think I got it figured out now. Take out the candle, and I'll block the bookcase with my body.

(Cadance takes out the candle, and S.A. Blocks the bookcase. THUD)

S.A.: Now listen to me very carefully. Don't put the candle back. With all your strength, shove against the other side of the bookcase. Is that perfectly clear?

Cadance: I think so. (She sets the candle on a nearby table, and shoves the bookcase, freeing S.A.) Shining, please put the candle back! (S.A. does so, and now the bookcase is stuck open revealing the passageway to where Twilight is being imprisoned)

 

To be continued....

[Singe 2,109]

Grand Pear sings Rocket Pony:

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much, I miss my daughter
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the pony they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket pony
Rocket pony burning out his fuse up here alone

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your fillies
In fact, it's cold as fear
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don't understand
It's just my job, five days a week
A rocket pony, a rocket pony

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again
To find I'm not the pony they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket pony
Rocket pony burning out his fuse up here alone

[Singe 2,109]

Twilight Sparkle: You called because of a problem Princess Celestia.

Celestia: Yes and it's for the survival of the ponies.

Luna: Ever since we sanctioned the allowance of marriage between ponies and changlings, the pony population birth rate has dropped.

Celestia: There are fewer fillies being born. Neither of us are helping either. *Everyone blushes.*

Twilight Sparkle: So colts and ponies aren't hooking up like normal. That's bad.

Luna: Precisely, ever since your friend Rarity made it hip being with a changling. You can be with anyone that tickles your fancy, she sold it to the population.

Twilight Sparkle: It was a huge benefit for the changlings because of the amount love they would get. So what can we do? Besides us doing that thing. *Everyone blushes.*

 

[Singe 2,109]

Random Friendship Lesson Book Reader: The way the Mane 6 just transformed to beat Tirek was gaudily terrible.

 

Twilight Sparkle: Flurry Heart you return Spike to the way he was right now.

Spike: Please don't.

Flurry Heart: *Reverses transformation in slow painful way.*

 

Rarity: I've given up on chasing other ponies. Instead I decided to go with a Changling who can be any hottie I fancy and all I have to do is pay him lots of love.

 

 

Edited August 25, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

Fame and Misfortune

Some random stallion: (Insert obnoxious rant against Flash Sentry)

Twilight: Who I date is none of your business, you overweight neckbeard.

After being called out by the mane 6

Other random pony: Why I never.  How dare you oppress me!

Pony in a rainbow tied shirt proceeds to give death glare at said pony.

Edited August 25, 2017 by cmarston1

[StoryTail 103]

Twilight Sparkle:  "I really wish I wasn't friends with Pinkie Pie, Apple Jack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity, so I'd still be in Canterlot alone with just me and my books!"

Rarity:  "I hate fashion!  Practical clothes are good enough!"

Apple Jack:  "I love fashion!  It defines me!"

Rainbow Dash:  "I'm an okay pony!  I mean, I'm not better than anypony else!"

Pinkie Pie:  "My name is Pinkie Pie!  And I am here to say!  I'm gonna make you frown and darken up your day!"

Flutteryshy:  "Nopony can be as awesome as me!  Hah!  Did you see the way I told that dragon off?!!"

Edited August 26, 2017 by StoryTail

[Singe 2,109]

Starlight Glimmer: So no one sees anything wrong with a child in charge of handling being ambassador.

 

Spike: I'm the ambassador to the dragons.

Twilight Sparkle: And I'm supervising because this runt tends to screw it up.

 

Thorax: I tried telling the group that still tries to steal magic that it's wrong, but they laugh oddly and call me a flank face.

 

Twilight Sparkle: Ember and Thorax, it's time for the annual hit the dummy. *Points to Spike.*

 

Throax: And how do you think they feel?

Ember: Usually cold and lifeless. I tend to not let them live it down.

Throax: Oh. Could you maybe try dialing it back?

Ember: I guess I could let them wither in agony for a few seconds longer.

 

Throax: Twilight has been getting weird with those chairs. I think she's been trying to flirt with me.

 

Ember: Why did those ponies run away?

Twilight Sparkle: Post Traumatic Spike Disorder. He was a giant rampaging dragon at one time.

 

Ember: I'm so angry, I need to burn something. *Flies off.*

Spike: I wonder where she's going?

Zecora: *Running from the forest.* My home!

 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

Zecora: I'm the avatar you have to deal with it!

 

[Singe 2,109]

*Spiker hugs Ember.*

Ember: That's one those pony hugs. The poking is new. Spike can you stop that.

Spike: Huh?

Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer:

 

Spike: Ember, Thorax you're both back, but why do you look beat up? Did you have fight?

Ember: It's okay. We had a sparring session. I wanted to see if Thorax had what it took.

Thorax: It was amazing. I came after her with so many forms. Then I turned into a dragon and.....

Ember: *Elbows Thorax.* He doesn't need to know that part.

Spike: Huh?

Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer:

 

Spike: This is the castle Ember, here let me show you...

Starlight Glimmer: To Spike's room.

Spike: *Choke.* Starlight will you please stop doing that. What's the deal?

Starlight Glimmer: It's shipping. I'm trying to push you and Ember together so you can stop chasing Rarity.

Ember: *Huff* I'm still here.

Spike: I'm sorry Ember. Starlight was going....

Starlight Glimmer: To show you to Spike's room.

Spike: Argh.

 

Ember: Spike, you're friends with Lite-Brite over here?

 

Spike: I really messed up. Stupid table. Ember, do me a favor and go eat that circular big table in the castle.

 

Spike: Today, I learned my lesson. It's...

Random Friendship Lesson Book Reader: Hey, why does Spike keeping learning the same lesson that he's a klutz?

 

Spike: I'm helpful and dependable.

*Mane 6 bursts out laughing.*

 

 

Edited August 27, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

The Last Roundup

Twilight: Applejack, it's not your fault.

Applejack: You're right! It's her fault. (gestures to Derpy)

[FizzyGreen 908]

Vinyl Scratch: <anything>

[Singe 2,109]

Sunset Shimmer: I finally have your crown Twilight. Wait, where's the silver crystal?

Twilight Sparkle: Silver crystal?

Sunset Shimmer: I stole from the wrong princess, again. It's just like when I stole from the mushroom princess her ?????.

 

Queen Chrysalis: What is the current status of gathering energy for the hive?

Jadeite: My efforts are underway my queen. I have been successful in manipulating several towns into energy farms.

Queen Chrysalis: I'm impressed.

 

Applejack: I found our parents' bucket list. We can finish up what they didn't do....*reads it over and blushes* and forget about it.

Big Mac: It can't be that bad....*reads it over and blushes*.

Applebloom: You both are blushing. *Reads over the list.* What? I don't get it. I'll ask granny.

Applejack and Big Mac: NO!

 

Cheerilee: Talking out of turn that's a paddling. Looking out the window that's a paddling. Looking at my flank that's a paddling. 

 

Kid Pony: Dad, you got another cutie mark?

Dad Pony: What do you mean?

Kid Pony: It's on your neck and it looks like a hickey.

Mom Pony: What?!

Dad Pony: Oh, no.

 

 

Edited September 1, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Sunset Shimmer: Twilight, you don't look so well.

Twilight Sparkle: I've been having that nightmare again.

Sunset Shimmer: The one where Midnight Sparkle is power hungry crazed.

Twilight Sparkle: No the one where she's like a rowdy MTV spring break party girl showing off.

Sunset Shimmer: Right....the boys were very happy you joined the school.

 

 

[Singe 2,109]

Mrs. Cake: I think Pumpkin Cake has the best shot at going to a university.

Mr. Cake: Then I will keep a list of universities to keep her away from, if she never gets over that habit.

Pumpkin Cake: Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom..........

 

Rainbow Dash: So Pinkie Pie how did the prank go with Cranky?

Pinkie Pie: I...don't want to talk about it.

Rainbow Dash: Why not? You were able to sneak into their bedroom. So what happened?

PInkie Pie: *Sounds of donkey noises in her head.* Ahhhhhhhhh! *Runs out of the room.*

 

Rainbow Dash: Rarity, you just don't have the guts to handle the real world.

Rarity: Oh please, I can handle anything. Try me.

Rainbow Dash: You look like you put on some weight.

Rarity: *Runs out of the room crying.*

 

Rainbow Dash: Good afternoon, radio listeners. This is Rainbow Crash delivering the hard political truth at ludicrous speeds. Folks, I want to talk about Twilight Sparkle. She claims to be the princess of friendship but she has few friends and the charisma of a door knob. A door knob where you need someone to turn you and push or pull you to open the door. You shouldn't be a princess if you always need a crutch or five at that. *Hits sound button.*

Radio Sound Voice: Oh my Celestia, she's crashing. BOOOM!

Edited September 1, 2017 by Singe

[Kings&Hooves14 616]

Twilight: Spike, we need to talk. You've been acting strange ever since you took a dip in that glowing pool. Are you okay?

Spike: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Twilight: What does that mean?! Wait--are you growing...gills?

Discord: Oh, goody! I was wondering when I'd see my old friend again. The tricks that he does with his tentacles never fail to crack me up!

[Singe 2,109]

Grand Pear: I mainly came back to Ponyville for the cheap labor that unconventionally comes across the border.

 

Starlight Glimmer: These clothes are too tight, I'm going to take them off. *Seductive music plays.*

 

Twilight Sparkle: Why don't you make up with Princess Celestia?

Sunset Shimmer: Better question. How would you feel if Princess Celestia kicked you to the curb and replaces you?

Twilight Sparkle: I would write an angry letter with lots of insults.

 

Starlight Glimmer: I got jealous over my friend for getting his cutie mark. How silly was that?

Princess Luna: I was jealous of my sister being adored by the ponies.

Starlight Glimmer: Jealous of your sister. Sounds like angsty teenager.

Princess Luna: I never acted like a teenager. Now if you excuse me I need to go lock myself in my room and punish myself.

 

Princess Luna: I created this nightmare creature to punish myself for what I have done.

Twilight Sparkle: Do you get some kind of pleasure out of it?

Princess Luna: *Blushes.* No! I'm not one of those ponies.

 

Pinkie Pie: Some pony help me, I'm stuck in this jar.

 

Rainbow Dash: Griffons are jerks.

Pinkie Pie: But that doesn't excuse what you did to him.

Rainbow Dash: He deserved it.

Pinkie Pie: You mugged him!

 

Princess Luna: Sister you couldn't stand being alone for five minutes.

Princess Celestia: I accept your challenge.

Princess Luna: Try not to...leave Twilight grieving for the loss.

 

Edited September 9, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

On 9/13/2015 at 10:13 PM, Singe said:

 

Fluttershy: Isn't keeping other animals especially ones that talk kinda like slavery?

Applejack: Shhhhh! I don't want you to start filling their heads with those ideas.

 

 

Twilight: We can't let that happen can we? (points to Spike)

[CypherHoof 26,479]

10 minutes ago, cmarston1 said:

Twilight: We can't let that happen can we? (points to Spike)

Starlight: don't worry, we can just brainwash them. Again.

Spike (with eyes glazed): What am I doing here? Oh, Twilight, do you need me for something?

[Singe 2,109]

Thorax: This is our feelings forum. It's a safe space for us to discuss our feelings.

Starlight Glimmer: That's nice.

Trixie Lulamoon: Ah, reminds me of why I dropped out of the university.

 

Pharynx: Did you see what my brother has done to the hive? It's a garden, arts and crafts, and a feelings room. 

Trixie Lulamoon: And they want to kick you out because you conflict with their view.

Pharynx: Precisely.

Trixie Lulamoon: It's been that way too with Equestria's higher education since Twilight Sparkle became a princess.

Starlight Glimmer: Indeed.

 

Pharynx: You both sound like losers.

Starlight Glimmer: Us, no.

Trixie Lulamoon: We're just faking like we reformed til one day we can punish Twilight Sparkle and her overrated goody good friends.

Pharynx: You both sound ruthless like our last Queen. I think I'm falling in love.

 

Thorax: I don't know what to do about my brother. The others have said he continues to perform the hail of the last Queen despite me forbidding it and his room has lots of pictures of her.

 

Rainbow Dash: Let me tell you the tale of my legend Flash Magnus.

Applejack: Flash Magnus, wasn't he the one that kidnapped young fillies for his slave ring.

Rarity: Or had an illicit affair with the married Queen.

Rainbow Dash: Those were never proven!

 

Rainbow Dash: Rockhoof a legend. Ha, he sounds like a glorified ditch digger.

Applebloom: He's not a ditch digger!

Applejack: Rainbow Dash!

 

Rarity: Sable Spirit went on to become a kinder ruler, until that fatal uprising. I mean you can't expect someone who was a cruel and abusive ruler to continue to be in charge after what she's done, even with a second chance.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Maud Pie: The actual truth about Pinkie Pie, mom was pregnant with her while on happy pills.

 

Daring Do: I'm glad I realized that even if you're fighting for something good, you're still responsible for your actions.

Rainbow Dash: And if something bad happens that you didn't intend, you shouldn't give up hope or lose faith in yourself.

Pinkie Pie: Yeah! Unless, you happen to kill off another pony. Even by accident, it's all over after that.

Rainbow Dash: Pinkie Pie! Daring Do would never ever kill another pony.

Daring Do: Right.....

Rainbow Dash: No....please tell me you didn't.

Pinkie Pie: I bet it was her special some pony.

Rainbow Dash: What?!

Daring Do: It's true. He sold me out to my enemies.

Rainbow Dash: What?!

 

Dr. Caballeron: Ha! Ha! Now I have Daring Do's friend Rainbow Dash...

Rainbow Dash: *Flies away.*

Dr. Caballeron: Curses! I've been foiled!

 

Rainbow Dash: We shouldn't tell Twilight about this Daring Do adventure.

Pinkie Pie: Why?

Rainbow Dash: The last time I went on an adventure without her, Twilight threatened to disintegrate my wings.

Pinkie Pie: My lips are sealed.

 

Rainbow Dash: Why are you retiring? Is it the trolls? I will find those trolls and hurt them so they can't troll you anymore.

 

Pinkie Pie: So Daring, Rainbow Dash was telling me so much how she's been waiting for you to be her special some pony. Go easy on her.

Daring Do: Huh?

 

Edited September 16, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Daring Do: They say my actions had adverse effects and hurt other ponies.

Pinkie Pie: Don't let that get you down, we do this sort of stuff some of the time and we don't cry about it.

Daring Do: Wha?

Rainbow Dash: Yeah, we rarely get punished for it. Our dragon friend gone through puberty and torn up the town. They don't hate him. Pinkie here made a bunch of copies run wild and Twilight was forced to kill them off one by one until this one remained.

Pinkie Pie: That gave her nightmares for a week. Rainbow Dash here tried to kill her friends off with a tornado.

Rainbow Dash: That was all Lightning Dust, I swear.

Pinkie Pie: And Rainbow Dash committed an act of terrorism by blowing up the weather factory because she couldn't handle her pet turtle hibernating.

Rainbow Dash: They still could never prove who done it. See Daring no biggie.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rainbow Dash: She's still retiring, I can't believe it and she didn't want anymore association with us.

Pinkie Pie: Well too bad.

 

Dr. Caballeron: Yes I tried to steal the jewels.

Rainbow Dash: And attempted to have me murdered.

Dr. Caballeron: Lies!

 

Rainbow Dash: Dr. Caballeron is getting away. Doesn't this stupid village have any law enforcement?!

 

Elder Stallion: Daring Do? Oh, she's awesome, all right. Awesome at destroying ponies' apple carts...

Rainbow Dash: No pony is going to buy your nasty rotten apples anyway you crazy coot.

 

Flankers Owner: I don't know why I bothered listening to that stuck up food critic. It's back to my dream of good food and mares wearing tight brightly orange colored skirts.

 

 

Edited September 17, 2017 by Singe

[Luigi 7,868]

(Rainbow Dash flies onto Shadow Moses Island, where Snake is hiding in his cardboard box doing a smash taunt from Brawl)

Otacon: SNAKE. Watch out!

Snake: For what? That pegasus pony over there?

Otacon: That's no ordinary pegasus, Snake. Rainbow Dash is a very talented flyer. Her dream is to one day become one of the Wonderbolts, and she's got the talent to do it.

Snake: Can modern technology keep up with how fast she flies?

Otacon: I dunno, Snake. Sometimes while flying, she breaks the sound barrier. If you're too close to her when she does that, you can kiss your butt goodbye.

Snake: She might be a good candidate for a spy. See if you can get her contact information so she can infiltrate Foxhound.

Otacon: I dont think that will work. She's pretty headstrong about never leaving her friends behind.

(Snake groans)

 

(The next day, Snake does another taunt, but this time it's on Applejack)

Snake: Colonel, there's a horse out here wearing a cowboy hat.

Colonel: Fighting Applejack, eh Snake?

Snake: Applejack. Isn't that some kinda cereal? All I see here is a complete Texad stereotype with your typical southern drawl.

Colonel: Applejack is a hardworking member of the Apple family. She may not be perfect, but one kick from her, and it's lights out for sure.

Snake: Sounds kind of obvious that it would hurt, Colonel.

Colonel: The thing is, she kicks Apple Trees to get the apples harvested. She does this nearly every day without rest. That has made her VERY STRONG!

 

(Snake Smash Taunt's Fluttershy)

Snake: Mei Ling. This pegasus is giving me the creeps.

Mei Ling: I don't understand. What makes you so afraid of Fluttershy, Snake?

Snake: I dont know. She's just staring at me like she's trying to intentionally creep me out.

Mei Ling: She does that sometimes when animals she comes across are defiant or if she feels threatened. 

Snake: We should put her in a zoo and see how she likes people staring at her.

Mei Ling: You don't get a lot of dates, do you, Snake?

 

(Snake smash taunts Rarity)

Snake: Hey Otacon. Check it out. I got a unicorn pony from the fashion magazines out here!

Otacon: That's Rarity, Snake. Rarity is the owner of Carousel Botique. She's got fashion and dress shops in Ponyville, Canterlot, and Manehattan. Whatever you do, don't mess her makeup, tail, or mane. It might just be the last thing you do.

Snake: Now you've got me curious. How about I call her to see if she can make me some more durable gear?

Otacon: Very funny, Snake.

Snake: No, I'm serious. How hard can it be if she can just get the right material.

Otacon: (Sigh) 

[lua 105]

Starlight: if only the mane six hadn't came to the village.