DQ: Is forgiveness really possible without reconciliation?

[Tranquil Claw 80]

DQ stands for "Daily Question", it is a theme me and SugarfootWillie came up with.

 

     I'm honestly not sure it is possible. Every time I forgive someone, I try to see their view, so from personal experience I would say it has never happened.

[1111 1,285]

I think it just depends on what it takes for you to forgive, I'v forgiven people with just sympathy.

[SkullcandyPegasus 604]

 A person could theoretically forgive someone for their faults without expecting change. It's the difference between forgiving a mistake and forgiving a character fault. If an apology was needed for a character fault however, it would imply that the person receiving the apology found the fault particularly distasteful. Since the fault is rule rather than exception, reconciliation might be required for the relationship's continuation.

 

In summary (tl;dr), a person could theoretically forgive someone without expecting any change, but this degree of acceptance is hardly reasonable to expect in anything less than a utopia.

[SugarfootWillie 383]

I don't think forgiveness is genuine when there isn't reconciliation. The only experience I have with this is when I cut ties to my oldest/best friend. I can't say if I've forgiven or accepted circumstance, but considering how things are now I'd say the latter. The synonymous use of forgiveness and acceptance like I mentioned is what separates real forgiveness from something of a lower caliber. 

 

Reconciliation is difficult sometimes, but when it is done the relationship is strengthened, making reconciliation the ideal method of forgiveness.

 

Does anyone define forgive different than the dictionary? I like the dictionary version, but there is something missing I can't quit pinpoint.

 

 

I think it just depends on what it takes for you to forgive, I'v forgiven people with just sympathy.

 

Can you explain your method? I would like to learn from it.

[1111 1,285]

I don't think forgiveness is genuine when there isn't reconciliation. The only experience I have with this is when I cut ties to my oldest/best friend. I can't say if I've forgiven or accepted circumstance, but considering how things are now I'd say the latter. The synonymous use of forgiveness and acceptance like I mentioned is what separates real forgiveness from something of a lower caliber. 

 

Reconciliation is difficult sometimes, but when it is done the relationship is strengthened, making reconciliation the ideal method of forgiveness.

 

Does anyone define forgive different than the dictionary? I like the dictionary version, but there is something missing I can't quit pinpoint.

 

 

 

Can you explain your method? I would like to learn from it.

Simple I just stop caring about it if it wasn't something that was that big of the deal.

[SugarfootWillie 383]

@, So the sympathy asrises when the "offending" party does not seem to think an issue is an issue at all?

[Memory Lane 131]

Assuming the offending party has wronged you willingly and displays no remorse, I hold true forgiveness is impossible without some form of reconciliation. How could anyone overlook a blatant absence of justice?

[TBD 17,276]

No, I need people to show me that they can reconcile and the effort they put in it for to me forgive.

[ExplosionMare 27,611]

Sometimes you can forgive just to ease your own pain. If the other person doesn’t wanna reconcile, then that’s on them. Most of the time though it makes sense to reconcile first.

[PCutter 127]

No forgiveness at all for anyone, ever. Doesn't matter how "good" they are.

[Stardust 647]

Yea forgiveness is something that happens in you. Better you accept them as they are. You can't just hold things against people forever.

[I used to be a stranger 7,994]

Forgiveness refers to cancelling a debt.

Reconciliation is not a requirement; it is a gift given from the forgiven.

[Clawdeen 25,748]

This is quite a good question and had some pretty good discussions going on five years ago when this thread was made. Fascinating read tbh. This made me think quite a bit. I absolutely love thought provoking questions and it honestly makes me wish I was active here  5 years ago lol.

Anyway 

Originally reading this

I wanted to say yes. Reconciliation isn’t a requirement. I don’t have to speak to who hurt me and work things out to move on.Heck one of the people that wronged me passed away a few years ago. We certainly can’t talk things out. I can’t hear their side of the story.

But I have internally went through forgiveness process to free myself from the pain of those situations so they don’t eat me alive forever. 

Or so I thought

Rereading one of the older replies in this thread it does have me wondering if this was genuine forgiveness I went through or just acceptance of what had happened. 

Have I truly forgiven and moved on. Or did I just accept it and move on because at some point I have to. 

The more I sit and think on things the more...I honestly don’t know. I honestly don’t know if it is possible.

Either way this is a pretty fascinating and thought provoking question that I’ll probably still be thinking on even after I log off. 

 

[Magic Note 2,789]

I think you need to reconcile before you forgive someone. So no, it isn't possible for forgiveness to happen without reconciliation.

Edited March 26, 2021 by Magic Note
I misread the post

[Adorable Lovestar 244]

I have forgiven people without reconciliation. Therefore, it must be possible. I would argue forgiveness is important no matter what benefit it has for the giving party.

[Narcissus 356]

Of course it's possible. I can forgive someone for something they did years ago even if I haven't seen or heard from that person since the offense occurred. They may never even know it but if I forgive them and move on, that's all it takes. Holding a grudge is an offense on my part and I can always grow up and leave the past where it belongs. 

[Dreambiscuit 12,419]

I don’t have to have someone apologize to me in order to forgive them. I don’t like to hold a grudge; it takes too much energy, and does too much damage to stay angry over anything. If someone upsets me it only makes it worse when I continue to feed that negativity. I’d rather just blow it off and forget about it.

[KatonRyu 1,036]

It is, I think. I don't really need an apology to forgive someone for something. Conversely, reconciling something doesn't always mean I've fully forgiven it. It all depends on the situation and the people involved.

[ssj4gogita4 102]

Depends on how stubborn the "forgiver" is. Sometimes they don't want to forgive and move on with their life and do other things more important.

I think it's possible, but not if the person has evil in their heart.

[Ice Princess Silky <3 20,157]

Depends on the terms.  I am quick to forgive. Mainly because forgiveness means releasing yourself from the confinement of resentment or hatred. 
 

but that doesn’t mean that I forget. I am fully aware and cognizant of repetitive patterns should they arise again.
 

however, if the person reconciliates or offers a proper closure then I may also forget. Showing proper remorse will make me not want to make them remember it again so that they may move on and potentially improve as a person.

Spoiler

If they’re narcissistic or a psychopath and act cocky like they got away with something.. I’m happy to remind them that they did not in order to keep them humble.  

[Meisterburger 1,601]

After being the one doing most the apologizing than anyone else  .. I’ve reached a point where I just say.. fuck em. It’s much easier than wasting emotion on petty trivial things. I’m not looking for forgiveness but I do not forget either. I’m not some dumping ground for other people’s insecurities. And whether people choose to apologize or not, I still move forward with my own life and not let myself get dragged down by anyone’s baggage. As a Libra, only good vibes are allowed in my space.

Edited Sunday at 04:22 PM by Meisterburger

[Clawdeen 25,748]

The way I can’t even remember who the person I was referring to in my og message years ago that died 💀 That there shows the power of time passing lol. 

Here’s the tea. Saying I’m sorry means nothing if the person still just engages in the same awful behaviors. Some people words are truly meaningless from them, even more so when we live in a day and age where a person can ask ChatGPT to write them an I’m sorry letter to you. Using AI to write the meaningful words for them instead of taking the time to do it themselves. South Park even showcased this scenario in an episode with the boys just copy and pasting messages from their girlfriends into ChatGPT to generate a response for them to copy, paste and send back. It was already easy enough for people to fake apologize and continue the same bad behaviors. Thanks to ai it’s even easier to fake apologies. 

Depending on what you did I might not want reconciliation from you. In fact there are times when reaching out to me is the wrong thing to do. The absolute worst thing. It shows me they’re thinking of themselves and their ego to try and make themselves feel better. Maybe to quiet that voice deep down inside that says you messed up. Not everything can be fixed or deserves to be. If I clearly don’t want interaction it’s for a reason. Don’t force one. In those cases I don’t forgive and I don’t forget. I move on. With time things become less impactful. I’ll never like these individuals but I’ll move on. I have coworkers I’ve worked with who I will dislike till the day I die. However I don’t live in the past and focus on what happened. They aren’t worth the headspace. 

Minor grievances I can forgive. Even without an apology. I don’t hold a grudge for small stuff. Since being in this role at work I’ve gotten a lot of apologies and half of them had me responding like why are you even apologizing to me? That’s nothing you ain’t gotta tell me you’re sorry. Even if they don’t apologize. I don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s the bigger stuff. 

[Iforgotmybrain 7,993]

Depends. I don’t need to reconcile with someone I have no contact with to forgive them. With someone I’m still in contact with, well, showing genuine remorse and a change of behavior goes a long way, but I don’t think it’s a requirement. But I also tend to forgive easily, because honestly I just don’t think it’s worth wasting my energy and time stewing on things that make me upset or angry. Simply forgiving someone and moving on, not thinking about them, not even letting them have the good grace of being thought about by you, is a form of a revenge on its own I think.