Holiday Agnaktor

Critique Wanted First Story, Not Sure if Good or Bad.

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Hey there, yesterday, I wanted to finally make a quick backstory for my OC, and...it got out of hand. One day later, I've got about 4000 words, but I have no idea if it's any good or not. So here's a link to my story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/299163/frosty-in-ponyville

 

I hope any of you can read it, if you have time left... (I'm too embarrassed for this... :( )

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I'm reading it now :) first chapter is the best!!!

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I'm reading it now :) first chapter is the best!!!

Thanks! Please tell me what you think of it when you finish. :yay:

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I'll write a full critique later, but there was something I wanted to tell you so you could make note of it. Be careful about the spacing of your paragraphs because I've noticed it is all over the place. I know that probably seems like a minor thing compared to content or grammar, but proper formatting is not only beneficial to the reader of the story because of consistency and for the writer because it makes your work look more professional.

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I just read the first and second chapter. So far, it seems pretty good, although as mentioned by Seraph, check the paragraph spacing.

Also, there are a few smaller things I feel as though I should mention. In your first chapter, when you said "I grew up in there," it sounds rather odd to me when put with the sentence before that. I would say something like "I grew up there, in the highest of social circles." or "I grew up in the highest of social circles there." Additionally, I saw one or two grammar things involving comma's and colons. I believe at one point in your first chapter you use a colon, when I believe it should be a semi colon (because it's connecting to things that could be two different sentences*. But, I'm not sure about that one. As for the comma part, sometimes you put a ,and when there doesn't need to be one, so I would just check that. Also, for some dialogue, (unless you meant it to be like that) it should be ,"blah blah conversation." instead of : "blah blah blah conversation," if it's supposed to be like that, then ignore this part.

 

Overall, it's mainly just grammatical things for me and proof-reading because at some points it was a little bit confusing. Sorry if I sound rude or something.

 

Anyways, keep on writing!

Edited by Kafooku

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@@Seraph,@@Kafooku,  

 

Thanks! I still have some issues with grammar, but I'm trying to work on that. I do use commas more than necessary... :twi:

What did you think of the overall story though? I'm mostly worried about that... :adorkable:

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The overall story was well structured and detailed in most aspects. However, this may be me reading incorrectly, but I was still slightly confused as to why Frost didn't want his parents/other ponies to know about his magic. Again, that might be me reading incorrectly. There is another tiny detail that really doesn't matter much. When the conductor speaks to Frost about getting his cutie mark, I would personally use Stallion instead of adult. But overall, your story is pretty good and again, you don't have to take any of my suggestions- they're really just opinions.

 

Hope that helped!

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@@Kafooku

Thanks! It helped lots. I may reconsider rewriting the first chapter, and make things more clear, as that chapter was pretty much me trying to figure out writing. :adorkable:

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Well Kafooku actually beat me to everything I was going to say about it. I can't think of anything to add. It's a good start and don't be afraid to try to take some chances with it.

Edited by Seraph

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