Jonquil Earthpony

Critique Wanted The Start of my first ever MLP Fanfiction!

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“The world is cruel, despite those wanting to improve our land; they never do so fairly; you see power can change a lot about ones perspective on life. Once you are high enough in social rank to look below at the common, do we think that their lives mean less than our own wants and expectations. This land is vast with terrain diverse; not much is known, only a selected few scrolls reveal details of the wilderness. Civilisations living in distant cities and villages should be thankful.Humble simpler lives they have, no hierarchy to control them. All which keeps them in order is willingness to help their own pony-kin. They truly are foolish; I guess no matter how we live we face injustice. Unicorns like I, are regal with fantastical powers beyond any common Pegasus or earth pony. We collectively can move celestial bodies; we control the rise and fall of day and night. We keep the land in balance of nature which in turn means balance to our lands. 

This empire I rule over watches over and protect the night and rest in the day. I must say the night is truly unknown in its beauty, so many things which are not known or understood. The stars navigate the sky opening all new ideas and development of knowledge. Knowledge in my eyes needs to be sought-after. The night is powerful granting me and my ponies of the Luna Empire the gift of this now called dark magic. Dark magic is what allows our top unicorns and I to collectively lift and drop the stars and the moon as transitioning from day to night. Like regular light magic can cause events and spells to be cast as well as levitation, however dark magic requires less effort and results of casting are much grander. Currently this new magic is being studied by me and a few council members. It appears that dark magic has life within it, which makes it very powerful to wield.”


“My brother land, the Solar Nation does not wish to understand to night as they have deemed it as un- important as they control the day. I feel they are fearful of the potential power the night could have over them, well it’s not a surprise. The Solar Nation runs on very strict control and the use of lower races to fulfil their duties and less important roles. The Luna Empire is the one whom are truly proud, only unicorns live here. Soon the Solar Nation will learn the power and the unknown fears of the night! They will learn the power that I, Lillium possess within …”



Chapter 1





The sun was high, clouds minimal the warmth of the sun radiated down on his back. A white coated, yellow maned Pegasus flew through the skies within the Solar Nation. He broke and slew down to observe the town below his hooves; Unicorns walking through the town in elegant attire, buying, selling and doing daily routines. It appeared normal but Dawnbringer knew of the dark underbelly of the nation and he was going to meet it. The Pegasus flew towards a grey castle then through a window and landed gently into a cold stone hallway. He began to walk slowly with only the sound of metal hooves hitting stone and the glint of gold and silver artefacts. He cautiously wondered until he found a gold plated double door with to armoured unicorn guards. The guard were covered in bronze they were indistinguishable, their eyes glared towards Dawnbringer. “Who wishes to see the Lord Aquarius? State your business Pegasus.” Said a guard.


Then a voice came from inside the throne room. “Guards! Let him in.” The voice was deep and echoed through the hallway. The door was then opened and Dawnbringer entered the throne room still treading carefully. “My lord the lunar empire has not sent a message in over 6 days. What action do you want my flight army to take?” spoke Dawn Bringer. His eye failed to look at the lord.


Lord Aquarius sat on his throne the light shined behind him showing little to his character. He sat and pondered what to do about the situation; he saw Dawnbringer’s fear and relished in it. But then his mind went to more important matters. “Hmm it’s unlike Lilium to be this unresponsive. The moon hasn’t risen in over 6 days; it’s taking longer than it should. They can’t be struggling; they are doing this to spite me! I must take charge of her; her and her philosophies are making the empire non-cooperative! How dare she!”


The anger flowed from Aquarius; the strong unicorn stood up from his throne chair and stared directly at Dawnbringer with a merciless look. Aquarius knew he had Dawn bringer and his army under his hoof. “Dawnbringer do you understand how important loyalty is to me and this great nation?”. Dawnbringer felt a cold sensation run down his neck. He dropped his head. “Yes Lord Aquarius. I understand”. Aquarius rose slowly but stoically towards the nervous Pegasus commander. “Dawn Bringer I know your Pegasus troops are strong. You and your troops make a great addition to my unicorn forces”. Dawn bringer looked up to Aquarius somewhat calmer feeling than before, with a sigh of relief “th thank you my lord”.


Aquarius looked towards the Pegasus again then proceeded to walk around his grand throne room occasionally picking up artefacts and studying them; he spoke softly. “This nation is founded on trust as you know, and the thought of protection and safety to all whom live within it.” Aquarius then looked back to Dawnbringer and snarled angrily “If anyone within or outside this kingdom disobeys the laws founded by the Solar Nation they will be executed or maimed.”



Dawn bringer appeared shocked and distressed; he took a few steps away from the lord. Aquarius then calmed and smiled subtly. “No need to worry you and i both know that the traitors from this nation are all gone”. Aquarius trotted over to a stone table with paper and quill and began to write a message addressed to the Lunar Empire. The lord requested the message to be personally delivered to Lilium by Dawn bringer. Aquarius walked to Dawnbringer and looked at him dead in the eyes. “We have come a long way haven’t we?” stated Aquarius. 


Dawn bringer took the scroll from the lord quickly to escape his growing wrath. Dawnbringer trotted out the throne room and jumped out a wide window and flew towards the land of the Luna Empire. Dawnbringer felt sickened by leaving his troops; families and friends behind him. Them in the hooves of the Solar Nation, but he had to leave to protect their lives.



Aquarius waited until the air became silent. He left his throne room and walk towards a stairwell leading to the lower levels of the castle. His armour was made of thick gold coloured metal which fitted around his robust navy body, neck and head. The shimmer formed from the sun reflecting of his armour matched hues of his mane and tail; blonde but almost white. He made his way down the stairs calmly until he had encounter to the lowest level of the castle; of where Dawnbringer’s troops were kept within stone walls and metal framework. He walked passed them all and spoke addressing them all at once. Only the sound of his breath and hoof steps echoed through the large chamber.

“Dawn bringer has left you for the time being. I don’t think you would like to leave this nation would you?”


The chamber was silent. Aquarius continued. “I feel now you are becoming one with this nation you need to be branded with our own emblem… it’s a painful process but I assure you the mark giving to you is a mark of greatness and power.”


Aquarius then left the chamber of sadden and concerned pegasi. Returning to his private room he laid down upon a large gold decretive lounge, he sighed quietly to himself. He then looked toward his flank and stared at his cutie mark. “If only I could remember my true mark.” A tear rolled down from his eye and streamed down his face, he thought to himself “No, childish things need to be put aside. I am the last of Solar royalty; I need to be… strong.”

He looked back at his surroundings and the open window caught his attention. “Why can’t I go back to a more innocent time, a time where I was happy? No, even back then there were hardships. When I was named by the oracles was the day I disappointed my father.” 
Dawn bringer flew through the sky quickly. The wind glided around his body; it felt a bit more calming. Dawn bringer mind began to wonder as he watch as the terrain moved past him.
“Destiny can often be unclear and unfair cant it. I was unaware of my name’s meaning till later years but I’d wish I had known back then. How can I bear the name of Dawn bringer if I don’t possess magic to raise the sun?”

Dawn bringer soared down to take a break from his long flight. He landed down in a dirty but sandy terrain. He was uncertain on what time of day it was supposed to be as the sun had been up for days. The light hit the sand reflecting a light yellow flare. He was reminded of Aquarius;
“You use to be so innocent Aquarius, we played and laughed together away from our families, I knew we shouldn’t have but... The only thing I wish I could change was are titles. For you to be blessed with the name of dawn bringer to fulfil the royal monarchy. Maybe then you would be proud of yourself.”

Dawn bringer began to rest on the hot sand, occasionally moving his wings along; the tips of his primary feather across the sand making deep lines. His eyes began to dip from exhaustion, he checked his surroundings to see if there was anything coming his way. There was nothing but sand and some small plantations. He began to fall into a deep slumber….



Please give feedback on this =) thanks 

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spelling, punctuation and grammar need work

i think it could be redone to flow a little better and be easier to read and follow but i am far from a writting expert LOL

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@@Jonquil Earthpony
Hi, Jonquil! I'm a bit of a writer in this fandom, so I suppose I can take a stab at critiquing your story. I'm not an unbiased reviewer, but I'll give you my best judgement. Lessee what we've got here . . .
First, I'll address the conventions, as @simba86 pointed out. You might think that conventions are secondary to a good story, and they are, most of the time. But when errors in grammar, spelling, and sentence formation show up too frequently, you risk turning off your potential readers before they get 200 words into your story. This story doesn't get to that point, but it gets pretty close. Watch your comma usage, for one. You really need more of them, and that's perhaps the biggest issue I have with your grammar at the moment.
Second, I feel like someone already mulled through this piece (or you did) and replaced most of the comma splices with semicolons. Semicolons are nice in moderation; I use them occasionally myself. But keep in mind what the semicolon is supposed to be used for: joining two independent clauses that are closely related. If the two clauses you're joining aren't related, use a full stop, not a semicolon. There's a reason why they don't show up that often in published text.
Onto the story itself. From the prologue alone, I can say that this story really has potential. The first few sentences really give the vibe of "looking off a balcony, contemplating existence" feel or something like that, and it's a great way to start a story. Lillium's characterization is quite good. I particularly like how long it took for you to finally drop her name. The fact that it's not "Luna" provides a hook to keep reading.
That, unfortunately, can't be said with Aquarius' characterization. If Lillium was a feather gently coming to rest, Aquarius is a hammer crashing down on your head. I don't like how blatantly he's set up as the antagonist in the prologue. Seems like he's a villain for no other reason than the story needs one. I would much rather, for example, have the sun rise slowly, where Lillium observes this movement, and a twinge of animosity slowly grows in her.
I also do very much like Aquarius' characterization at the end of Chapter 1. It gives him a bit of context, and hints at how the story will end, even this early in the story. But again, it's done too blatantly. I don't think you should reveal Aquarius' fatal flaw this early in the story; it takes all the tension out of the rest of it, given that readers already have an idea of what will do him in in the end. Rather, I would characterize Aquarius to be less immediately despicable (so readers don't get turned off this early), and only hint at his fatal flaw, if that (by having him glance at his cutie mark, lingering on it for longer than necessary, or, even better, give him an obsession for branding, and let the reader question why he likes it so much after the 3rd time). This is foreshadowing, and it hints at the fatal flaw without actually revealing it, thus generating interest when readers want to learn what it is or why it became.
Anyhow, that's all I've got. This story has potential, but it needs some work. I'd recommend you slow down and let your characters develop on their own, rather than push them forward with your story. Good luck!



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