My Little Pony - An Equestrian Emergency -

[Dave247 568]

Sorry for taking so long to respond Ice. I've just been caught up in other things. Good story. The fighting scene was interesting but it maybe was a bit rushed in the last two chapters compared to how the rest of the story took long to pan out. Other then that, good work Ice!

 

Chapter 8

 

 

Everypony else nodded and the moved a bit away from where the lava flow was. (I don't feel that's necessary and dosen't sound very professional.)

 

Luna While they walked Luna thought about what Rainbow had said, (Self explanatory.)

 

“I could have been within the aura already Rainbow, some magic's like that will prevent ponies from entering or leaving, (I'm not entirely sure about if the apostrophe is needed or not as I'm no English teacher but it's something to think about.)

 

“When I heard that Chrysalis had overpowered Celestia, (Self explanatory.)

 

and that’s why I’m even more scared about what we’re going to find discover when we find Celestia… (Just trying to avoid a repeat of words that are close together. If you can think of a more suitable word then go for it.)

 

She had to admit at first it sounded like pony apples, but the more she listened and the more she thought about it, and by mixed in with Luna’s emotional reactions, that she was telling the truth. (To avoid using too many ands I've provided a alternative that you can chose to go with. Regardless of that though I don't think the "that" is needed though. Also, if you do go with alternative I don't think the comma is needed either.)

 

Rainbow sidghed and did something very un-rainbow like. (Self explanatory.)

 

They continued along one of the paths that lead next to the mountains but still remained inside the valley, with when out of the corner of Luna’s eye she saw something moving in the sky. (The comma is needed to separate the two different things happening and "with" doesn't make sense to me being used there while "when" does.

 

“Ah… yeah… sorry, I thought that you, your sister, and Cadence were the only Alicorns thought? (Self explanatory.)

 

This made Twilight even worrisome. (I'm not sure how to change this I'm not familiar with the word as I don't use it often but I can't tell it doesn't make sense how it is currently.)

 

With a quick flash Luna poofed them out of existence along with herself only to be brought back into such lesst than five meters from her sister. (I'm pretty sure you meant to type that.)

 

“Trap that you sprung nicely, my dear,” an ominous voice spoke from behind her as the dark Alicorn materialized behind her. (The first "her" isn't needed as both of them being there is just a unnecessary repeat of words.)

“Oh am I? I’m just merely pointing out the truths!? (The second sentence isen't a question so it dosen't need a question mark. It's up to you wether you want to put emphases on the statement though as I don't know the character so it's your choice wether you want to put a explication mark or not.)

 

You sister didn’t once even suspect once that you were gone or that anything was the matter. (Order of words.)

 

 

Chapter 9

 

 

 

“I will be soon enough, let’s end this though first though. (Order of words.)

 

“Fine then, I’ll just have to kill you all then,” (Unnecessary repeat of words.)

 

Rainbow proclaimed as Twilight and the others had sense since joined them all ready to activate the elements. (Self explanatory.)

 

Celestia looked at them in amazement. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM!?” she yelled leaping towards him only to find him he had teleported behind her. (Pretty sure you meant to to type only and I think usually him would be okay if you didn't write him to preform a action like teleport.)

 

“Really? Celestia? Are going to tell me that you actually thinkg that you could lay a hoof on me?” (Self explanatory.)

 

he asked as she charged him once again only to watch him teleport again for a second time. (I was originally thinking of removing the second "again" but I think it works better it being left there.)

 

he growled as he teleported once again right behind her and hit her square in the rib cage. (I think you need to be careful how you word this because it could be read as this is the second the Deadly is teleporting behind Luna, which never happened I think.)

 

Her eyes turned towards him looking down She looked down on him as she held him there inside of her, makeing his escape impossible. (Again, repeat of words. It's still not the best but I don't think I can change it any further. If you can think of an better Alternative Alternative go with that.)

 

she warned again, but once again it fell on deaf ears. (Don't need two "again's" as it just is a unnecessary repeat.)

 

When the light settled, Princess Celestia two gold necklaces that had been applied to them, one on her, and one on her sister, both were showing two new elements on the crests. (I'm not sure how you wanted to write this sentence so it would be best if you fixed it yourself.)

 

Celestia stated taking took the amulet off to look at it more closely. As she looked of it over, on the back right behind where her cutie mark was on the Amulet, it had the word hope.

 

 

Edited January 1, 2013 by Dave247

[Iron Wing 237]

I think its a very nice story with good elements and ideas. Sometimes i am missing the character developement within the chapters, but i think this is getting better each chapter. The story is well developed and you took your time to descripe the chat and the interactions between ponies very well. I would love to see more description of the surroundings and landscape. Sometimes there are scenes i don´t know how to imagine the area they are walking in.

 

I also have to agree with Dave247, i think the fighting scene had some interesting ideas, but it felt a bit rushed.