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Theshadowmaster235

Critique Wanted One of my first OCs

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(edited)

This is one of the first OCs I ever made I started working on her in early 2014.

 

 

 

 

Name : starlight Sapphire

 

Species : pony

 

Race : unicorn

 

Gender : female

 

Age : around 23

 

Sexuality : bisexual

 

Cutie Mark : waxing gibbous moon

 

Personality : psychotic, angry, rebellious

 

Theme : perfect insanity by disturbed, or sanitarium by Metallica

 

Backstory : Starlight Sapphire is the psychotic daughter of princesses Luna, from a young age she was known to have violent outbursts during which she would often lash out and attack anypony who would get near her including family members, which led to her assaulting her aunt princess Celestia and in the process landing her in the castle dungeon ever since then she has held a deep hatred for Celestia. She has two siblings a brother and a half brother ( the half brother is the son of Celestia, they share the same father ) and neither she nor her siblings know their father who was presumably banished from canterlot by Celestia after she had discovered that Starlight and her older brother's father was the same as her son's. She believes that the citizens of Equestria all deserve to have freedom and equal rights, and that the only way said freedom can be obtained is through violent revolution and she is very loud about her opinion on Celestia's rule. She is also rather sadistic at times, and takes pleasure in causing the suffering of others, despite this she is also known for being fun loving and adventurous.

 

I'm still working on her story but what I said above is a decent summary of the story so far, also the older brother is one of two OCs that represent myself.

 

So, what do you think so far? I am willing to take advice and criticism.post-15339-0-11625700-1461488720_thumb.jpg

 

And yes I know the picture is sideways, I couldn't figure out how to fix it. Also it looks better in person I had to take the picture with my iPad I might be able to take a better one with my phone.

Edited by Theshadowmaster235

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Advice on fixing the picture orientation - open Microsoft Paint, click "open", choose the pic, go to the "rotate" option and fix it, and then click "save as" (just in case you accidentally drew on it). It's an easy way to fix a rotated pic without paying for a picture editing program (many of which don't have a simple "rotate" option anyway, for whatever reason).

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I really hate to say this but your character is kinda bad...

Having flaws is a good thing but when your character gets too many 'evil traits' without a good reason like a mental disorder it turns her into a Mary Sue.

Her design is a little plain for being the daughter of a princess, perhaps give her an accessory or add a light coloured stripe to her hair? The cutie mark is kinda eh.. It doesn't really represent her personality as the moon is often seen as a serene thing, an eclipsed moon would work better. Also how did she earn her cutie mark?

 

The thing about being thrown in the dungeon doesn't really sound like Celestia, I very much doubt she would put Starlight in the dungeon, maybe if it was some pony else but Starlight is royalty and her sisters daughter. If you want to have a reason to have her hate Celestia then do something like she resents the solar princess for having locked her mother away on the moon.

 

Celestia is very out of character as I very very very much doubt that she would banish someone for cheating, Luna would probably banish some pony for that but Celestia? And you say that she is very violent, sadistic and enjoys suffering but Starlight believes that every pony deserves to be equal it doesn't really go well unless she is bipolar.

 

Balance her personality out more. Explain why she's so psychotic.

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All I can say is, unless its done properly, do not include Canon Ponies in your Backstory. Especially princesses.

It puts the OC down the immediate route of being a mary-sue.

 

Why does she have mental issues? Genetic? Some Traumatic experience? You must include this.

 

Her cutiemark cannot be a moon. Her personality doesn't back it up.

 

I would suggest lightening the coat. Black coats aren't very appealing.

 

Her name feels like a mouthfull.. maybe Sapphire Star?

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