offering critique OC Critique and Advice

[Melted Dog 161]

I'm in need of help again!

I decided to change Sleepy Hollow's color palette, but something tells me the colors are even worse. Any idea how to fix this?

 

She's in my signature!

PS. Some alternate colors I had in mind.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Melted Dog

[Tealeaf 126]

I'm in need of help again!

I decided to change Sleepy Hollow's color palette, but something tells me the colors are even worse. Any idea how to fix this?

 

She's in my signature!

PS. Some alternate colors I had in mind.

MLP 0C.png

I understand your confliction, but all of those color palettes are actually very coherent and run pretty smoothly. Your first and second are both actually really nice! The second gives of a nice, calming feel because of the use of cold tones, but the eyes stand out because they're a conflicting warm tone. You may want to play with the handle of the magnifying glass, but aside from that you've done a really great job. The first design doesn't portray your theme quite as well, but it's still VERY visually appealing c: don't be afraid to play with them if you aren't content though.

 

I'm personally not a fan of your third palette choice, but it's not terrible either.

 

Today is my last day to give out critiques and advice before I leave. I'll be back to answer EVERYBODY's requests after the 13th so please don't be shy if you have something to ask! c:

[Tealeaf 126]

I am now officially back home and can continue issuing critiques if anybody wants them! c: In the meantime, I'm working on a couple of art trades and new character concepts, but will be here presently throughout the day.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Luminous Night 71]

Name- Autumn velvet 

Personality- ENFJ  me in other words 

Bio- Cosmic is an extremely kind individual; some of the best qualities pony kind has to offer are represented within him: Generosity, happiness, selflessness, energetic and rather extroverted.  He finds great pleasure in making friends, and he never seems to turn down any pony’s request for help.  He tends to brighten a room when he walks in, and he is sweetly charming in social situations.  His best feature is his willingness to do anything for those who call him 'friend', and never leaving them cold.

 

He does have a few issues with things such as his emotional sensitivity, and he finds himself hard-pressed to make a choice when pressured.  Both of these are usually tied to his feelings towards others - he is constantly worried about how others think of him, and any bad results can negatively impact his self-esteem and personal confidence.  He has to be careful about taking on too much, as he has a difficult time telling any pony in need 'no'.

 

He was born into a family in a normal community he is always happy having the time of his life because he has friends he can relate to and talk to. He is always nice to his friends and will do anything for them. He rather die so they don't get hurt physically or mentally. He was born in Canterlot but when he went from being a foal to a colt his parents who decided to move to Ponyville to settle down.

 

His motto is don't lie your don't tell anyone. He is a smart pony. He doesn't know some things that most people do but he know about things most people don't even think about. His favorite colour is blue and purple. His favorite time of day is the night. His favorite environment is with his friends. His favorite season is winter because he loves snow. His favorite kind of weather is cold.

Appearance- and he's colour palete 1 first colour is for shoes I'm going to make

2 colour for magic
3 colour for mane
4 colour also for mane 
5 color for fur

6 colour for markings

Cutiemark-a leg moving counter clock wise because I can do that and I don't know anyone else who can

Edited June 22, 2016 by Masonthedialga

[Tealeaf 126]

 

Name- Autumn velvet 

Personality- ENFJ  me in other words 

Bio- I lost the bio, but it's me so i have only physically lost it  BTW he is a guy

Appearance- and he's colour palete 1 first colour is for shoes I'm going to make

2 colour for magic

3 colour for mane

4 colour also for mane 

5 color for fur

6 colour for markings

Cutiemark-a leg moving counter clock wise because I can do that and I don't know anyone else who can

 

 

I'm going to apologize beforehand about this because I know that you may not enjoy hearing much of my assessment. I'm warning you beforehand because there are a lot of major flaws with this character's design and it would be unfair and wrong for me to lie to you. I tried to keep this all relatively short because I wouldn't want to drone on and on about the same mistakes.

 

His physical appearance.

Your character has far too much saturation in his design and the base coat color is too dark. Because of your color selection, there's a lot of clashing between the blues and the outline as well. You've also only used cool colors in the design for the most part, making everything seem very muddied, with this really massive disruption of theme that's kind of just scattered throughout the design. That bright cyan color needs to go. I really don't know how to word it very kindly because it makes the design insanely busy and really just doesn't fit. If you want to use a purple and blue color scheme, then you need to make it more coordinated. I really do believe that this character's design as a whole needs to be reworked. It's important to conceptualize "why" when you're designing. What purpose do these lines serve? Are they necessary to relay my theme?

 

As it, it is just very difficult to look at your character for very long. Please consider these color scheme suggestions:

 

This color scheme fits your theme, but isn't overwhelming because of it's saturation levels. If you want to do something like this, I'd suggest keeping the coat lighter (so do not use the cobalt blue pictured in the scheme for the base color).

 

This color scheme also fits your general theme, but is much lighter and more flattering overall.

 

 

His bio and personality.

There isn't a whole lot here to run on, but you did explain this so it's understandable. I will say that his name is really random. It doesn't have anything to do with his talents or his overall design, so I can't imagine why he would've been named that in this setting. Your name implies a warm colored theme with a regal undertone, but that isn't at all what I'm seeing from this design.

 

His cutiemark.

I don't understand at all what his talent has to do with anything. It doesn't seem to pertain to the character and doesn't make sense in the MLP universe. For a pony, their cutiemark is literally that one thing they were destined to do. It is their passion, so I find it very hard to believe that this character's talent is moving his leg counter clockwise. How would this character have come to the realization that that was their talent, and how would that play out for them in everyday life?

Edited June 21, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Luminous Night 71]

thank you now i got another goal this summer fix my oc

I FOUND MY BIO tomarrow I will give you a updated post on my oc so then I can put the back story and bio in different sections and get it orginized ok?

I'm going to apologize beforehand about this because I know that you may not enjoy hearing much of my assessment. I'm warning you beforehand because there are a lot of major flaws with this character's design and it would be unfair and wrong for me to lie to you. I tried to keep this all relatively short because I wouldn't want to drone on and on about the same mistakes.

His physical appearance.
Your character has far too much saturation in his design and the base coat color is too dark. Because of your color selection, there's a lot of clashing between the blues and the outline as well. You've also only used cool colors in the design for the most part, making everything seem very muddied, with this really massive disruption of theme that's kind of just scattered throughout the design. That bright cyan color needs to go. I really don't know how to word it very kindly because it makes the design insanely busy and really just doesn't fit. If you want to use a purple and blue color scheme, then you need to make it more coordinated. I really do believe that this character's design as a whole needs to be reworked. It's important to conceptualize "why" when you're designing. What purpose do these lines serve? Are they necessary to relay my theme?

 

As it, it is just very difficult to look at your character for very long. Please consider these color scheme suggestions:

 

This color scheme fits your theme, but isn't overwhelming because of it's saturation levels. If you want to do something like this, I'd suggest keeping the coat lighter (so do not use the cobalt blue pictured in the scheme for the base color).

This color scheme also fits your general theme, but is much lighter and more flattering overall.

 

 

His bio and personality.
There isn't a whole lot here to run on, but you did explain this so it's understandable. I will say that his name is really random. It doesn't have anything to do with his talents or his overall design, so I can't imagine why he would've been named that in this setting. Your name implies a warm colored theme with a regal undertone, but that isn't at all what I'm seeing from this design.

His cutiemark.
I don't understand at all what his talent has to do with anything. It doesn't seem to pertain to the character and doesn't make sense in the MLP universe. For a pony, their cutiemark is literally that one thing they were destined to do. It is their passion, so I find it very hard to believe that this character's talent is moving his leg counter clockwise. How would this character have come to the realization that that was their talent, and how would that play out for them in everyday life?

I love the clashing of the colours it isn't suppose to look dull like the show because the show has all these bright colours then let me stand out because i made this oc reflecting me and I'm individual that loves this colour scheme and I'm not changing it because criticize it all you want i don't all i care is that I'm happy with it and I am

But I did get rid of the green lines

Name- Autumn velvet 

Personality- ENFJ  Cosmic is an extremely kind individual; some of the best qualities pony kind has to offer are represented within him: Generosity, happiness, selflessness, energetic and rather extroverted.  He finds great pleasure in making friends, and he never seems to turn down any pony’s request for help.  He tends to brighten a room when he walks in, and he is sweetly charming in social situations.  His best feature is his willingness to do anything for those who call him 'friend', and never leaving them cold.

He does have a few issues with things such as his emotional sensitivity, and he finds himself hard-pressed to make a choice when pressured.  Both of these are usually tied to his feelings towards others - he is constantly worried about how others think of him, and any bad results can negatively impact his self-esteem and personal confidence.  He has to be careful about taking on too much, as he has a difficult time telling any pony in need 'no'

 

Cosmic is constantly happy. He walks quick and peppy, and he always talks in the cheeriest voice. He's always cheery around his friends; he's never nervous about meeting new ponies. This stallion is never nervous speaking about anyone or anything - he's like an open book. Even if he hasn't seen a buddy in a long time, he'll talk to them as if they had been in touch the whole time.

Cosmic is taller and thinner than most ponies. He is tall and has a blue and purple mane and tail, and they both have light blue lines through them that are flowing with magic. Both his mane and tail are longer then what most ponies have, but a lot thinner. You always see him with a smile on his face. His eyes are a bright blue, and his ears are around the same size as every pony else's.

 

Bio-He was born into a family in a normal community he is always happy having the time of his life because he has friends he can relate to and talk to. He is always nice to his friends and will do anything for them. He rather die so they don't get hurt physically or mentally. He was born in Canterlot but when he went from being a foal to a colt his parents who decided to move to Ponyville to settle down.

 

His motto is don't lie or just don't tell anyone because he doesn’t like lying. He is a smart pony. He doesn't know some things that most people do but he know about things most people don't even think about. His favorite colour is blue and purple. His favorite time of day is the night. His favorite environment is with his friends. His favorite season is winter because he loves snow. His favorite kind of weather is cold because he doesn’t like sweating.

 

[Tealeaf 126]

thank you now i got another goal this summer fix my oc

I FOUND MY BIO tomarrow I will give you a updated post on my oc so then I can put the back story and bio in different sections and get it orginized ok?

I love the clashing of the colours it isn't suppose to look dull like the show because the show has all these bright colours then let me stand out because i made this oc reflecting me and I'm individual that loves this colour scheme and I'm not changing it because criticize it all you want i don't all i care is that I'm happy with it and I am

But I did get rid of the green lines

Name- Autumn velvet 

Personality- ENFJ  Cosmic is an extremely kind individual; some of the best qualities pony kind has to offer are represented within him: Generosity, happiness, selflessness, energetic and rather extroverted.  He finds great pleasure in making friends, and he never seems to turn down any pony’s request for help.  He tends to brighten a room when he walks in, and he is sweetly charming in social situations.  His best feature is his willingness to do anything for those who call him 'friend', and never leaving them cold.

He does have a few issues with things such as his emotional sensitivity, and he finds himself hard-pressed to make a choice when pressured.  Both of these are usually tied to his feelings towards others - he is constantly worried about how others think of him, and any bad results can negatively impact his self-esteem and personal confidence.  He has to be careful about taking on too much, as he has a difficult time telling any pony in need 'no'

 

Cosmic is constantly happy. He walks quick and peppy, and he always talks in the cheeriest voice. He's always cheery around his friends; he's never nervous about meeting new ponies. This stallion is never nervous speaking about anyone or anything - he's like an open book. Even if he hasn't seen a buddy in a long time, he'll talk to them as if they had been in touch the whole time.

Cosmic is taller and thinner than most ponies. He is tall and has a blue and purple mane and tail, and they both have light blue lines through them that are flowing with magic. Both his mane and tail are longer then what most ponies have, but a lot thinner. You always see him with a smile on his face. His eyes are a bright blue, and his ears are around the same size as every pony else's.

 

Bio-He was born into a family in a normal community he is always happy having the time of his life because he has friends he can relate to and talk to. He is always nice to his friends and will do anything for them. He rather die so they don't get hurt physically or mentally. He was born in Canterlot but when he went from being a foal to a colt his parents who decided to move to Ponyville to settle down.

 

His motto is don't lie or just don't tell anyone because he doesn’t like lying. He is a smart pony. He doesn't know some things that most people do but he know about things most people don't even think about. His favorite colour is blue and purple. His favorite time of day is the night. His favorite environment is with his friends. His favorite season is winter because he loves snow. His favorite kind of weather is cold because he doesn’t like sweating.

 

It definitely looks a whole lot better already without the inclusion of the green outlines. I do still really feel like it would be a much better idea to really put some thought into the design and simplify it. The lines hold no purpose whatsoever and only serve to disrupt the concept and make it visually busy. There are many, many beautiful and unique designs in this fandom, but they all share a solid theme and a coherent, clear color scheme. I can give you a few examples, but I understand that ultimately I can't make that decision for you. I can say, however, that having your character have these magical markings makes them seem more than a little OP and sue-like.

 

Some of the best designs I know of in this fandom;

 

All of these characters belong to http://nazegoreng.deviantart.com/. Not all of the characters were designed by her necessarily, but my favorite ones out of the bunch were. They all represent what they're meant to symbolize very well without being redundant or over complicated. Many mlp SONAS can also accomplish this, even though they directly represent a real person. Hippykat13 has a very adorable mlp sona, and I also really enjoy tt-n's character. Even when it comes to more complicated characters, they can be executed well if it just has GOOD COLOR COORDINATION and make sense with the theme presented. Fireflytwinkletoes's characters are complicated, but not busy, as you can see below. Both art pieces are by deadkittens3.

 

 

Regardless though.

 

His personality and bio.

Overall, he seems pretty well balanced in terms of negative and positive traits. The complete lack of difficulty in his bio is a little offputting just because it seems unrealistic to have never faced trials at all, but this may just be because of a lack of detail in the story. Which is fine because it just means that more writing needs to be done to complete the concept c: I do have to say that it feels a tad bit cliche to have your character born in Canterlot and then move to Ponyville, but sometimes cliche is alright and can be more than appropriate for a character. There isn't a whole lot for me to comment on here, but I think you've got a good start in terms of his personality and biography. 

Edited June 23, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Luminous Night 71]

It definitely looks a whole lot better already without the inclusion of the green outlines. I do still really feel like it would be a much better idea to really put some thought into the design and simplify it. The lines hold no purpose whatsoever and only serve to disrupt the concept and make it visually busy. There are many, many beautiful and unique designs in this fandom, but they all share a solid theme and a coherent, clear color scheme. I can give you a few examples, but I understand that ultimately I can't make that decision for you. I can say, however, that having your character have these magical markings makes them seem more than a little OP and sue-like.

 

Some of the best designs I know of in this fandom;

 

All of these characters belong to http://nazegoreng.deviantart.com/. Not all of the characters were designed by her necessarily, but my favorite ones out of the bunch were. They all represent what they're meant to symbolize very well without being redundant or over complicated. Many mlp SONAS can also accomplish this, even though they directly represent a real person. Hippykat13 has a very adorable mlp sona, and I also really enjoy tt-n's character. Even when it comes to more complicated characters, they can be executed well if it just has GOOD COLOR COORDINATION and make sense with the theme presented. Fireflytwinkletoes's characters are complicated, but not busy, as you can see below. Both art pieces are by deadkittens3.

 

 

Regardless though.

 

His personality and bio.

Overall, he seems pretty well balanced in terms of negative and positive traits. The complete lack of difficulty in his bio is a little offputting just because it seems unrealistic to have never faced trials at all, but this may just be because of a lack of detail in the story. Which is fine because it just means that more writing needs to be done to complete the concept c: I do have to say that it feels a tad bit cliche to have your character born in Canterlot and then move to Ponyville, but sometimes cliche is alright and can be more than appropriate for a character. There isn't a whole lot for me to comment on here, but I think you've got a good start in terms of his personality and biography. 

The lines are there to tell you he has a lot of magic 

[Tealeaf 126]

The lines are there to tell you he has a lot of magic 

 

This isn't explained at all in his backstory or personality, and, as I said before, makes your character seem unbalanced and visually too busy because of the way it was executed. You don't have to get rid of it, but I would suggest working on the concept further because it is very rough at this moment in time. Unicorns already hold a large amount of magic canonically, however typically their magic is not nearly so powerful unless their TALENT specifically correlates with that. Twilight and Starlight Glimmer are some of the most powerful unicorns in the setting and this is because they have dedicated time to their skill and their talent supports this. For other ponies, such as Rarity, their magic really can't do the same things and only really performs in accordance to their talent/profession. This is actually a very important detail because it prevents the characters from becoming too unnecessarily powerful. The thing is, you need a good mix of good and bad. Too much of either, or both, will make your character incredibly unappealing and this applies to your character's power level as well. Why would your character have these markings? You say it's to tell us that he has a lot of magic, but the most powerful characters in the setting do not have these visible markings. You really, really need to conceptualize this character further and I do still suggest changing the name because it seems very irrelevant. In a character concept, nothing should be irrelevant. Even small little quirks should serve to further support your character's development.

 

These lines ARE NOT normal, and would not be greeted with welcome arms especially as a child. You're saying, in his bio, that he faces very little or no hardships throughout his childhood. That it was relatively normal, but does that make sense? The ponies in Ponyville were very actively fearful towards Zecora for her difference in appearance, and your character looks subjectively even more peculiar than she does.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Hurricane 159]

Could you critique my OC Hurricane please? Link in sig

 

I know the backstory is a little grimdark, I will probably change some of that.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Hurricane

[FullmoonDagger 200]

Hello ! Would you mind taking a look at my OC, Fullmoon Dagger? The link is in my signature

[Luminous Night 71]

This isn't explained at all in his backstory or personality, and, as I said before, makes your character seem unbalanced and visually too busy because of the way it was executed. You don't have to get rid of it, but I would suggest working on the concept further because it is very rough at this moment in time. Unicorns already hold a large amount of magic canonically, however typically their magic is not nearly so powerful unless their TALENT specifically correlates with that. Twilight and Starlight Glimmer are some of the most powerful unicorns in the setting and this is because they have dedicated time to their skill and their talent supports this. For other ponies, such as Rarity, their magic really can't do the same things and only really performs in accordance to their talent/profession. This is actually a very important detail because it prevents the characters from becoming too unnecessarily powerful. The thing is, you need a good mix of good and bad. Too much of either, or both, will make your character incredibly unappealing and this applies to your character's power level as well. Why would your character have these markings? You say it's to tell us that he has a lot of magic, but the most powerful characters in the setting do not have these visible markings. You really, really need to conceptualize this character further and I do still suggest changing the name because it seems very irrelevant. In a character concept, nothing should be irrelevant. Even small little quirks should serve to further support your character's development.

 

These lines ARE NOT normal, and would not be greeted with welcome arms especially as a child. You're saying, in his bio, that he faces very little or no hardships throughout his childhood. That it was relatively normal, but does that make sense? The ponies in Ponyville were very actively fearful towards Zecora for her difference in appearance, and your character looks subjectively even more peculiar than she does.

OK i will think of something I will quote you when i come up with something

[Tealeaf 126]

Could you critique my OC Hurricane please? Link in sig

 

I know the backstory is a little grimdark, I will probably change some of that.

 

Hello ! Would you mind taking a look at my OC, Fullmoon Dagger? The link is in my signature

 

I will be able to get to both of your characters later on c: Right now, I've got some stuff lined up and it's pretty late, but I'll have time to give you both the attention you deserve tomorrow.

[Tealeaf 126]

OH jeez I am SO sorry. I meant to do this on the 25th, but i got distracted with World of Warcraft because I'm trash. Anyways, though.

 

 

Could you critique my OC Hurricane please? Link in sig

 

I know the backstory is a little grimdark, I will probably change some of that.

 

Her appearance. 

Typically speaking, black and red character designs are very hard to execute without coming off as too "edgey". It's just a very common cliche that honestly only works in specific instances. For your character, I think it can be forgiven because the eyes are a nice purple and your "black" isn't a pitch black. Basically, the saturation levels you chose were very nice overall, although onyx (the gem references in your backstory) is very, very, very dark. Your description also describes her hair as being black and pink, but the hue is too dark to look like a pink. Personally, I feel like her color scheme comes a little bit out of left field based on her talent. Perhaps some work on her hair would portray your message  a little bit better, and changing her eye color to match the color in her cutiemark would help make the design flow better (I would imagine that the tornadoes are probably a soft grey or white, possibly with a blue-ish tint). For your backstory, I think the dark base coat can be acceptable and the nickname is very nice and fits in pretty well, all things considered. I would, however, suggest using a secondary color in the mane so that it isn't just black and red, and I think it would be more logical to just keep the onyx on a typical necklace instead of a choker. That last part, of course, is mostly just a personal opinion.

 

Her cutiemark.

I don't have a visual reference for her cutiemark, but overall her story for how she obtained it is very nice and tells a lot about her personality.  In fact, your writing is very nice. I don't see very many well written stories in this fandom, so it's really fantastic when there's a character this thoroughly thought out.

 

Her personality and bio.

As I mentioned before, her cutiemark story and bio both compliment her personality very well. A reason is given for her general aggression, and I actually very much enjoy conflict in a character's backstory so long as it is both consistent and logical. This conflict you have between your character and her sister, for instance, perfectly suits my criteria. I can very easily comprehend the level of resentment a young filly might have towards her sister in this instance, given the sense of abandonment she may feel from her parents. Death in a backstory can also be approached in a respectable manner, which you have accomplished for the most part here. Overall, you did very well and I would love to see some further development on her.

Hello ! Would you mind taking a look at my OC, Fullmoon Dagger? The link is in my signature

 

Alright, so logically speaking your character really doesn't fit the setting whatsoever. I'm going to have to approach this with a really detached mentality, as though this is from a very extreme au.

 

His appearance.

Physically, he seems to have a pretty solid design. I don't understand what the point is in him having colored wing tips, but as somebody who has used that as a design choice before, I can't criticize it too horribly. Aside from that, though, I do have to say I don't like the two different color tones you used for his hooves, and I can't seem to find a reason for his red eye (in terms of color). Personally, I would change both of his eyes to be red or some other color, but heterochromia is very uncommon and purple isn't consistent with the rest of his design. Overall though, I have to be nitpicky to see any real major flaws in his color scheme.

The only real major problem I can see is that he's an alicorn who can't use his wings or horn. There is absolutely no reason for him to have a horn, and we already know from mlp canon that alicorns have only ever been born of an alicorn. Otherwise, they're created. As I said, I'm trying to approach this as an au, but even in that mentality I need to keep hold of some aspects of the canon universe in order to critique your character properly. Ultimately speaking, your character's horn holds no purpose in his work, in his talents, in any aspect of his life, and I would really suggest just getting rid of that one specific trait. As for his wings, I can accept there being a genetic disability in his family line that would make them impotent. I would also suggest that you adjust the pupil color in his eye if you really intend to make him partially blind. Again, this is a sort of unnecessary detail, but when it comes to characters who are blind in this type of setting, you need to push the concept in order to portray it to your audience.

 

His cutiemark.

The connection between his cutiemark and his name is very blunt. In fact, it's too blunt for my taste and the symbolism is very much lost in the concept. His talent really doesn't make sense because moons and daggers do not have anything to do with locating character flaws in other people. This is a talent that has to do with deductive reasoning, so symbols that fit this are actually things more like brains and magnifying glasses. That being said, for his more...specific...talent, things involving the bdsm community may be more suitable. Whips, chains and ropes all fit this general theme. However, a dagger and moon give more of an "assassin" or "murderer" vibe that is completely misplaced.

 

His personality and bio.

This is where I tried to approach your character like an au the most.

His bio is very vague and could use a lot more development. It is fully possible to explain your concept while remaining pg, but cutting it off abruptly as you have done in places does disturb the storyline a lot. I have seen prostitute/stripper/pornstar ponies in the past that have been very well executed, but there are some things you need to explain a lot more. His scars, for instance, aren't explained at all in the storyline and neither is his blinded eye. If you're hinting at abuse, i really would suggest you just step back from that concept and leave it. There's far too much going on and you aren't giving the subject the amount of attention and respect that such a topic demands. That being said, the subject of homophobia in this type of setting is very difficult to pull off if you're approaching it in the way that you are. Having your character hide something like that is a very big deal and demands a lot of attention and careful decision making. You did a relatively alright job if this is to be put in a more adult setting, but for the normal canon universe it wouldn't work out at all. I would really suggest specifying that this theme is to be disconnected from the canon universe in your bio so that people aren't confused or put off from your character too terribly.

 

Basically, please just be careful with the more adult themes you are exploring. While they are definitely realistic and can be executed well, they require more work than what you are putting into the concept right now.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Prophet 610]

Hey~

So this Oc I had for awhile but this is the first time I tried to write out a Bio for him~

I would love some advise on how to improve him

 

I'm quite a scatter brain when it comes to typing so most things I write come off as unorganized and messy .. lol~

 

His Name is Camellia ( Link )

[Raven Rawne 1,374]

Hello, I was wondering if you could take a look at my recent creation, a griffon named Garreth? I intend to use this OC in roleplay, so naturally I try to work out all the character issues before I dive in rather than crash test him in someone's RP.

 

Here's the link to his character sheet.

 

Now, the reason I'd like to ask for Your critique is that I'd love to have a second opinion on what I'm doing with this toon. As you can see, he was written to have two distinct sides to his personality, and I realise that it may be difficult to pull off. Other than that, I'd like to know if there is something I overlooked or need to expand on to make him more believeable, since I'm drawing blanks on what to add, even if I edit his page several times a day.

[Tealeaf 126]

Hey~

So this Oc I had for awhile but this is the first time I tried to write out a Bio for him~

I would love some advise on how to improve him

 

I'm quite a scatter brain when it comes to typing so most things I write come off as unorganized and messy .. lol~

 

His Name is Camellia ( Link )

Before I get into the specifics, I feel like I should mention that your character is AWFULLY cute <3 

 

His appearance.

As I've already sort of mentioned, this is a very cute character. The color scheme is very consistent and flows nicely, without contrasting too much or being too oversaturated or undersaturated. I enjoy the idea of a sort of fluffier-than-usual character because I like those type of quirks, but make sure to work this into their story. Major differences have an affect on how a character will be perceived in the universe they reside in, and having an excess of fur also means having some physical disadvantages because he might be likely to overheat easily in some scenarios (especially given the amount of clothing he needs to wear to protect from sunlight). My only qualm, and this is purely me being nit-picky, has to do with your burn marks. They just don't look like how a burn scar would look on an animal. You can express this in a more PG way by giving him a very light patch where no fur grows, since that is how burns work in the real world. Since fur density isn't typically apparent on MLP pony faces, you should be able to get away with just giving him a jagged little marking, but the fade out you have wouldn't be realistic and it definitely would not be dark. Burns are only dark at first before the skin heals over.

 

Note- This is the usual case and is typically what is best to follow for simplified drawings such as that in mlp style.

 

Burn scars on animals [TRIGGER WARNING FOR SOME PEOPLE], I tried to keep it relatively safe to look at and not too obscene:

 

 

 

His cutiemark.

While I can assume that it wouldn't be unrealistic for a mlp character to not find his talent early on like most ponies, a mlp adult character without a cutiemark has never actually been seen in the show to my knowledge. Strangely, at 16 he would technically be an adult given that Twilight and her friends are all marked to be around 15+ at the beginning of the show. Cutiemarks are a very important part of this society, and I can imagine him not having one being very hard on him emotionally, especially given his other trauma and trials.

 

His personality and bio.

I really enjoy the personality and cute little flaws you've given him. I think that the blindness is a little bit of a stretch, though it is acceptable if we are to assume this is something that was developed at a young age. I say this because adult eyes are very developed, and cave blindness is very unlikely, if not impossible, to occur in adults. However, for young children light deprivation can cause significant sight loss because their eyes are still developing. If a new born baby is not allowed to see for several months to years after birth or during the first to second year after birth, it can end up with a serious visual handicap, or may be even completely blind, despite having completely normal eyes. This happens because the visual cortex in the brain fails to develop in the absence of a visual input. This means that your pony would have to have been in near complete darkness for a VERY long time, directly after birth, so just keep that in mind. That being said, fur on animals is meant to protect from the elements, including cold, water, and even sun. As much as I like his fluff, I do think that it is completely incompatible with his apparent allergy to direct sunlight, because his dense fur would prevent the UV rays from making much contact with his bare skin. When animals take allergy tests, their fur needs to be shaved down so that the skin can be tested, because hair is already "dead" after leaving the skin and follicle.

Hello, I was wondering if you could take a look at my recent creation, a griffon named Garreth? I intend to use this OC in roleplay, so naturally I try to work out all the character issues before I dive in rather than crash test him in someone's RP.

 

Here's the link to his character sheet.

 

Now, the reason I'd like to ask for Your critique is that I'd love to have a second opinion on what I'm doing with this toon. As you can see, he was written to have two distinct sides to his personality, and I realise that it may be difficult to pull off. Other than that, I'd like to know if there is something I overlooked or need to expand on to make him more believeable, since I'm drawing blanks on what to add, even if I edit his page several times a day.

I will be getting to your critique shortly within this evening or tomorrow c: Your review takes only a tad bit more work because I have to imagine the visuals, rather than having them right there infront of me. It isn't a problem at all, it just means I have to apply particular attention to your descriptions.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Tealeaf

[Prophet 610]

@@Tealeaf,

Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my Oc, I will fix some things but if you don't mind to much i wish to explain myself abit~

I'll Redo the art because the dark patches are not meant to be sunburn~ I was just drawing him dirty... I forgot to draw in his scar

(I'm a scatter brain)

Which is a sunburnt scar that I didn't seem to mention, Sorry I'll fix that

I also understand the longer fur protects animals for sun damage that why I focus the burns on a place that would be thinner. His nose, his wings and upper legs. Has a light colored animal he has more of a chance to burnt in the sun which is a why I made his as such.  (I'll add more to this)

 

Even so thank you thank you thank you so much for looking into my Oc and giving me your options, I'm overjoyed you like his design as well <3

[Tealeaf 126]

@@Tealeaf,

Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my Oc, I will fix some things but if you don't mind to much i wish to explain myself abit~

I'll Redo the art because the dark patches are not meant to be sunburn~ I was just drawing him dirty... I forgot to draw in his scar

(I'm a scatter brain)

Which is a sunburnt scar that I didn't seem to mention, Sorry I'll fix that

I also understand the longer fur protects animals for sun damage that why I focus the burns on a place that would be thinner. His nose, his wings and upper legs. Has a light colored animal he has more of a chance to burnt in the sun which is a why I made his as such.  (I'll add more to this)

 

Even so thank you thank you thank you so much for looking into my Oc and giving me your options, I'm overjoyed you like his design as well <3

That is reasonable, for sure. I just feel as though there might be some difficulty in regards to him having to wear lots of clothing and so forth, since he might be prone to heatstroke, etc, realistically. 

[Prophet 610]

That is reasonable, for sure. I just feel as though there might be some difficulty in regards to him having to wear lots of clothing and so forth, since he might be prone to heatstroke, etc, realistically. 

I Agree~ I feel I will only put him in a large amount of clothing if needed, I mostly just keep him in a scarf so he can hide his nose and the back of his neck in the sunlight if needed 

[Holy Sword Excalibur 87]

Is this thread still active?

[Tealeaf 126]

Is this thread still active?

I've been away for a long while with school but am hoping to get everything back up and running within the next couple of days c:

[Holy Sword Excalibur 87]

I've been away for a long while with school but am hoping to get everything back up and running within the next couple of days c:

So, can I go ahead and drop my character profile or wait those couple of days?

[Tealeaf 126]

So, can I go ahead and drop my character profile or wait those couple of days?

I'll be getting to yours and any others I've missed as soon as possible c: So feel free to drop your character off.

[Holy Sword Excalibur 87]

Name-Aerisl Steps

 

Personality-This little filly has quite a silver tongue. As her special talent, she has made a life for herself as a thief. To her, the world is an apple ripe for picking. She enjoys the simplicity of her chosen life and lives as a street rat. She has selected the schoolhouse as her hunting grounds because no pony seems to keep a close eye on their belongings there and are therefore easy targets. Being from Canterlot, the food she buys with her ill gotten gains go into buying rather expensive goods as she also drops by the apple farm to get some free apples for substinance. She has a fear of bigger ponies and being talked down to. She hates feeling small and the feeling often gives her sudden flashes of stress, causing her to panic and sometimes breath hard.

 

Bio-

<spoiler=bio>

Born to the Canterlot elite, Aerisl had a silver spoon in her mouth since her first day of life. She got everything she wanted on demand as long as she minded her manners. However, she often thought that having to be proper and polite to everypony a burden, especially with those rich snobs she had to associate with. Her parents had always dreamed of their foal being a famous composer and musical genius. She spent countless hours learning to play the flute and had her nose in music theory books. On top of that, she had to study the works of famous play writers and composers. Eventually, stress took over as she was scheduled to audition for a prestigious music academy. She panicked and had another filly, one who actually musically inclined, compose a piece of flute music for her to play, and when she auditioned with it, she got accepted. The other fully got angry that her talent was being leeched on and Aerisl, lying through her teeth to keep everypony happy, told the judges that the music was indeed hers. That night, guilt ridden, Aerisl decided that the life she had was not the one she wanted and ran away. She hopped a train, not knowing where exactly it would take her. She ended up in Ponyville and began a life anew, surviving by taking what she wanted when she wanted it. At first, she felt bad about having to resort to thievery, but after some time, she realized that it was her talent and what she was truly good at. She decided to embrace her talent of taking what she wanted when she wanted it. She gained her cutie mark from this and from that day, she has been living out her destiny as a thief.

</spoiler>

 

Appearance-Aerisl is a white unicorn with a light blonde mane and shiny green eyes. Her mane is always messy and poorly styled. Around her front hooves are two yellow bracelets and around her neck is a thin locket in the shape of her cutie mark. Inside is a picture of her mother and father and herself.

 

https://s21.postimg.org/so9l17znr/image.jpg(Drawn by Tarla-Chan)

 

cutie mark-Aerisl's cutie mark is a pawn chess piece that is half black and half white. The pawn represents other ponies in her worldview as pawns in her plan to get what she wants. The two colors represent honesty and deceit.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Dr.Egoshire