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P-Jay

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Night Silent

Night Silent

Okay, I see that I need to improve. But, it would kinda be hard to do now since he is already made and everything.

(I really didn't think that his power was godmodding, I actually wanted to avoid that. Way to go, me)

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P-Jay
P-Jay

Everything. Wrong. With.   Redwood        

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P-Jay

Has anyone ever seen or heard of CinemaSins? If so, great! If not, its a channel on YouTube that finds every fault, plot-hole, cliche, and mistake made in movies, each wrong-doing counting as a 'sin.'

Fractured
Fractured

Everything. Wrong. With.   Treble        

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Fractured

Fractured

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Serenity.

(Oh dear...)

 

 

 

 

Name: 

 

Serenity

 

 

Serenity is a girl's name, and only a girl's name. Sure, maybe I would pass this if it was one of those more ambiguous names like Aren or Sfene, but this isn't working. At all.

*ding*

 

 

 

 

This character's name has nothing to do with his cutie mark.

*ding*

 

 

 

This character's name actually contradicts his personality! Wow! Two sins!
*ding*

 

 

 

Appearance:

 

Long red mane and large fairy wings (Made of magic). with a small beard on his chin.

 

So are we just supposed to assume what his body color is? Is it it black? I bet it is!
*ding*

 

 

 

Normally, i'd take a sin of here, since you thought to include the beard, which was a creative detail. But here, it only leaves me more confused, since you somehow still forgot all of the actual main details, in focus of this one tiny one.

*ding*

 

 

 

Fairy wings... no.
*ding*


​And why fairy wings, anyways? Why not pegasus wings, which would be the most logical? Or dragon wings, which would at least be durable? Why the wings of a species well known for its complete helplessness, and general fragility?
*ding*

 

 

 

Cutie Mark:

Red smoke swirling around a red crystal representing his great, powerful and almost unrestricted magical abilities.

 

 

Powerful and unrestricted magical abilities that we're never going to know about, because you forgot to include it. Or maybe you didn't, and just had trouble trying to figure out exactly what that meant. Point is, i'm just as lost you are, or you want me to be. And I am not okay with that.

*ding*

 

 

 

The inclusion of great and powerful. We already have more than enough of those running around, thank you!
*ding*


I guess the crystal is somehow supposed to represent magic, or magical abilities. But every time that's occurred in the show, the crystal itself is a physical object, and the cutie marks that ponies have focusing on them is somehow tied to that. But crystals by themselves? Not particularly magical. So...No.
*ding*


 

Personality:

Narcissistic, and deceitful.

I would love to sin this, but I can't, because it's too short for me to properly judge. But it's not like i'm going to let that stop me. Ten sins for the personality being too short to judge!
*ding*

 

 

 

Backstory:

He earned his cutie mark practicing a spell that was known for hatching dragon eggs, knowing that if he learned it he could enter into Celestia's school for gifted youngsters which he was accepted into.

Celestia was interested in him, greatly interested mostly because who he was related to; Starswirl the bearded. who was announced dead two years after Serenity was accepted into the school, the cause of his death remained unknown for years. Serenity though had found out that Starswirl never did die, knowing that Discord was Starswirl he had sided with Discord trying to prevent Celestia from turning Discord to stone. but ended up getting turned to stone himself for way longer than Discord was, and to be precise it was 1324 years.

How lucky it is that your're related to Starswirl! What were the odds that the unicorn who was known for his lack of friendship skills, constant wandering, and heavy distrust of others would settle down, and have a foal? And what are the odds that it'd be you, and not literally anyone else in the whole of Equis?
*ding*


 

Leaving me to assume that this is StarSwirl's child, since it's never actually stated his relation. I'm just sort of going on what's most likely, considering what i've had to go through so far.

*ding*

 

 

 

 

Sigh... Another "Discord is Starswirl" fan theory. Twenty sins, but let me tell you why, using two different angles.

 

1) In the show, Tirek was imprisoned and locked away by the princesses, after being ratted on by his brother, Scorpan. But it was Starswirl who befriended Scorpan, leading to his capture. Later, during Tirek's subsequent escape during the events of the show, his reply upon first seeing Discord is confusion, followed by "You escaped?" Meaning that, during the time Tirek was still out and running about Equestria, Discord had been already sealed away. Hence, not the same beings.

 

2) In the comics, Starswirl is actually shown to still be alive and kicking, right on up past Luna's banishment:

post-28184-0-08053700-1466568342_thumb.png

There is no way that Discord isn't a statue by now: it required both sisters to use the Elements of Harmony on him in order to seal him. And the time between her banishment and her return is the show's first episode, which Discord is obviously not a part of.

*ding*

 

 

 

 

And now that I mentioned that, there are some serious plotholes in your story now. Such as:
-There's no way that Serenity was there for both Discord's banishment, and Starswirl's death. The two occur at least hundreds of years between each other, being generous.
*ding*

-Your character now has no set time period in which he existed. Assuming we're tracing Starswirl's timeline, and not Discord, there's hundreds of years of time within which Starswirl lived, some of it before the princesses were even crowned, and Celestia's school was even built. And we're expected to believe that, being only twenty-three, he was somehow also alive in the specific time period of Discord's banishment? Unlikely.
*ding*

 

 

 

Okay, now just plot errors in genral. If this character was so great and powerful, why didn't he just defeat the princesses. Especially when Discord was just soundly toying with the two of them, you think it would've been easy just to end them then there. And don't tell me it's his personality. Narcissistic and deceitful, remember?
*ding*

 

 

We've seen Discord's defeat several times already, over the course of the show. No red maned unicorn. And if they had to use a second EOH blast, it probably would've been mentioned or referenced in the annals of history. Just saying.

*ding*

 

 

 

Where's his statue? They were secure enough in there prison to put Discord himself in the Canterlot Gardens, but this pony doesn't seem to be anywhere. And all of the other statues in the gardens are chicks. Wait, Serenity...
*ding*


Why would this asshole side with Discord? If it's a familial thing, the backstory doesn't mention any special connection to Starswirl, out relative, and being narcissistic and deceitful, he wouldn't care. And if it is just because he's an asshole, Discord's mission of turning the world upside down contradicts his. Not a pleasant place for him, even on the off chance he won, and it's likely he'd die, or be screwed over. Which is something a narcissist would want to avoid!
*ding*

 

 

How does the cause of the death of one of Equis' most famous figures go completely unknown, over the course of several years? And how did Serenity stumble onto it? Did Starswirl tell him? Why? As opposed to literally anyone else, or the princesses, who he at least put some trust into, and could've sorta tried to help him?
*ding*


And this is why you don't give your character phenomenal cosmic powers. First off, because it's usually never earned, logical, or properly portrayed. But second, because you end up writing yourself into plotholes. Like the fact that Serenity, be he so great and powerful, probably should have been able to easily reverse whatever happened that turned Starswirl into Discord, even in this slipshod headcanon. But nope!
*ding*


"Bizarrely specific time period to break the bizarrely specific time period cliche" cliche.
*ding*


And you did label a specific time period, indicating that this asshole was released at some point. But how? And by who? And why? And- oh, forget it.
*ding*


 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 53

 

 

Sentence:

 

(Related to starswirl)

(Sperm donor)


 

 

 

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Dust and Memories

Dust and Memories

(edited)

Okay, I'll bite. Go ahead and tear Wilhelm apart. (Figuratively.)

I expect to get sinned on the name since I was like "okay let's use human name for pony" when I first started, and now I can't very well change it, but I'm going to smooth that over by saying that his father (Friedrich de Winter) was descended from pony slaves kept by Griffins in the old, wild days (i.e., Creation of Unified Equestria era), and since these pony slaves adopted Griffin-ish names (i.e., Gilda, Grover, etc), their descendants had similar names. Therefore, Friedrich de Winter marrying Andromeda Eclipse (a perfectly normal pony name) to produce the (named by his and her father in accordance with tradition) Wilhelm and Celeste de Winters.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Otherwise, go ahead and criticize my character.

Edited by Orion Caelum
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Anneal

Anneal

I actually haven't done much RPing recently, and Allegory's database is absolute junk. XD I don't think I'll put her up. Maybe someone else if I manage to get back again.

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Jackie Snack

Jackie Snack

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Jackie Trade.

Sorry! I completely forgot about this. Life got a little hectic. ; u ;

 

I don't think you did bad, but there are a few things I want to address, as there are factors:

 

Cutie Mark:

It was even explained in the show that a cutie mark does not necessarily represent ones talent, but also a passion or willingness. Therefore, a cutie mark could be symbolized as such. Does Aqua Marine's dolphin cutie mark means she can train dolphins or is interested in marine biology? If that's the case, is it only towards dolphins? Factors.

 

Your cutie mark sins rest solely on them relating to 'talent'.

 

Personality

While on paper, some things do seem a bit contradictory, but so is human (pony) nature. Hundreds of factors are involved in every little thing. Having a twisted sense of humor and being shameless can still allow you to be mindful of how certain people feel, just as having a lot of patience yet still having those little pet peeves that many people have can still let you be a patient person. (example, I'm very patient with my kids and many other things, but if some guy is trash talking me, I'm not gonna let him do it. If I wasn't patient, I would never have gotten married. : P )

 

A twisted sense of humor does not mean she would enjoy lying to others, which goes back to being mindful of how others feel.

 

To 'blindly trust' isn't a proper description, as she doesn't give a stranger her account number when they meet. She trusts them to be honest and sincere and if they're not, she remembers that. Trust does not always have to be earned, but it can be lost.

 

Backstory

Yeah, I was never too proud of the accident. She's being redeveloped, anyway.

 

Other

I've been hit on this before, but I'm a living example on how a 'lazy attitude' can still be productive, just how someone can suppress a negative attitude in order to exist or excel in a certain situation. I have a VERY lazy attitude. I don't wanna do shiiiiiiit. That doesn't mean I act on it. Attitudes can match your mindset, but not your actions.

 

Can't say much about the cliches, cuz pretty much any character trait other than 'loves to boil cabbages on the first friday of every month' is cliche nowadays. It makes me cliche, cuz her personality is my personality.

 

All in All

There are some things that you did point out that made sense, which I will be using once I get the redeveloped art of my pone done. However, you did what I felt you were going to do: you went two dimensional on much of your sin counting. Sure, you certainly covered a lot, but you only looked at the surface.

 

Thanks for your time, hun! Hope you get to do more characters!

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P-Jay

P-Jay

  • Author

oh, sorry. i messaged @Meson Bolt, informing him that its his turn to sin an oc. XD if he doesnt finish one this week, i guess it'll just skip over to the next sinner, then. sorry, and thank you for the wait. XD

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Meson Bolt

Meson Bolt

oh, sorry. i messaged @Meson Bolt, informing him that its his turn to sin an oc. XD if he doesnt finish one this week, i guess it'll just skip over to the next sinner, then. sorry, and thank you for the wait. XD

 

...No you didn't... :wat:

 

Well, I'll try and get to it sometime this week. I really don't feel like it today (Independence Day and all), but I'll get it in soon. :3

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Meson Bolt

Meson Bolt

(edited)

Seems like everyone's ignored Stellar Cloud. Welp, my time to shine then... I guess.

 

Everything Wrong With Stellar Cloud

In about thirty seconds... yeah, this one's really short.

 

 

Age: ???

 

 

 

...Well, this is a good start... *ding*

 

 

 

And for all the people who are like "what's the sin here?"... if the author doesn't know his character's age, I think the author needs to rethink his character.

 


 

 

Cutie Mark: A combination of a galaxy and a joystick for a video game.

 

 

 

...And his special talent is...? *ding*

 

Also, how do you "combine" a galaxy and joystick? In the drawing we're given, we don't see enough of his cutie mark to tell... *ding*

 

 

 

Personality: He has a narcissistic personality.

 

 

 

And all the critics facepalmed. *ding*

 

No seriously, what the heck is this? Is that his ONE defining character trait? If you're going to give him a single personality trait, at least make it something other than "a self-infatuated jerk". *ding*

 

 

Backstory: He works at a restaurant in Ponyville. That is it. Nothing else here... *Nervous Laugh*

 

 

 

This is... worse than a generic orphan story. This is unfinished. *ding*

 

"Nothing else here"? Even the author admits that this backstory is crap! That's comforting... *ding*

 

Also, breaking the fourth wall in a profile. I know it's not a "major" sin, but it's one of my pet peeves -- it'd be like the author of an encyclopedia stopping to address the audience in the middle of an article. *ding*

 

 

Other: Enjoys learning magic even though he can't wield it. Prefers to stay on the ground because he is not very good at flying. Tries to convince other ponies he has a dark past and is very powerful (usually succeeding). His talent is contemplating life (impressive talent [sarcasm]). Says overly philosophical things a lot. He wants to be a villain, but he is way to weak and friendly to become one.

 

 

 

Alright, I can accept the magic thing. Fine. What I can't accept is his "prefers to stay on the ground" thing... why make a flightless pegasus when you can just make an earth pony? *ding*

 

I also can't accept the fact that he can get other ponies to believe he has a dark past and is very powerful. Ponies may be happy-go-lucky, but most of them aren't stupid. *ding*

 

His talent is contemplating life? What?! *ding*

 

Also, why isn't his talent stated on the "cutie mark" tab, where it's supposed to be? *ding*

 

And another fourth wall break... *ding*

 

And no, he's not "weak and friendly". I'm pretty sure his only defining trait is narcissism. *ding*

 

Sin for the fact that we get MOST of the information about this guy from his "Other" tab, instead of... you know, "Personality", "Appearance", "Backstory", etc. *ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Total Sin Count: 15

 

 

Sentence...

 

 

An unfinished sente

(What? No effort, man. It's kind of a theme...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Meson Bolt
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Meson Bolt

Meson Bolt

(edited)

I'm quite proud of Dust here. Give her all the sins you can, she can handle it.

 

Overbearing author is overbearing. Brace your buttocks... it's time for

 

Everything Wrong With Dust Devil

 

(In about the time it takes for you to get arrested over a $2.00 pack of donuts)

 

Name: Dust Devil

 

I was going to say "Can we just assume a name as generic as 'Dust Devil' is generic, uninspired, and stupid?", but reading further into your character's power and such, it actually makes sense. So, sin on me, I guess. *gnid*

 

Age: ~19

 

The tilde is unnecessary, and reminds me of a sperm cell, so... *ding*

 

Species: Pegasus

 

Appearance: Physically, appears to be an earth pony, lacking wings of any kind, or even stubs.

 

I mean... a pegasus by definition is a pony with wings. If a pony has no wings, she's not a pegasus, so... *ding*

 

Has a moderate, dull tan coat.

 

Moderate + dull = redundant *ding*

 

Her eyes are a light apple green. 

 

Considering there are four types of common green apples (Granny Smith, Golden Delicious, Ginger Gold, and Mutsu), this really isn't that descriptive. I'm not sinning the vagueness here though, I'm sinning the fact that this character made me research types of green apples. *ding*

 

Dust Devil normally wears a brown cloth harness like the ones used to pull carriages. Attached to its shoulders are two round, brass plates, curved slightly so that they fit well and don't move. Etched into each plate is the outline of a pegasus wing in flight. When flying, her 'wings' are only vaguely wing-shaped, made of translucent yellow light and coming directly from her shoulder plates.

 

So, long story short, she's got prosthetic wings. So if I get a prosthetic fin, does that make me a shark? *ding*

 

She normally wears thickly brass-rimmed flight goggles on her forehead.

 

This is something I've never really understood -- characters who wear goggles constantly on their foreheads. Why? It's so uncomfortable, and it's way easier to carry them in a bag or wear them around your neck. Mostly I assume it's because goggles add +2 to the coolness attribute... *ding*

 

Cutie Mark: A tornado of a shade of tan slightly darker than her coat. It is pierced by a yellow lightning bolt.

 

The words "slightly darker" lead me to believe that her cutie mark looks simply like a lightning bolt, unless observed closely. *ding*

 

In all seriousness though, when Apple Bloom got her tornado cutie mark in "Cutie Pox", it was grey... and so was Pony-Discord's tornado cutie mark. Tornado cutie marks are always grey, I don't understand why this one's different. *ding*

 

She can both summon and stop dust storms, with a little effort.

 

With "a little effort"? Man, prosthetics in Equestria sure have progressed much faster than our own... *ding*

 

Backstory: Dust was born in Appleoosa to an earth pony farmer and a weather worker. Though she worked on the farm when she was younger, she never showed any skill or desire for growing apples, instead preferring to watch her mom and the other pegasi at work. She'd always admired them, and was a huge Wonderbolt fan as a filly. Her only regret was that she wasn't a pegasus.

 

This is a bit confusing. The author clearly states that "she wasn't a pegasus" (which means she's an earth pony), yet in her species tab, she's listed as a pegasus...

 

Again, an earth pony with prosthetic wings doesn't equal a pegasus. *ding*

 

She'd gone out to watch the weather team dispel a particularly strong (if small and self-contained) dust storm. However, she had gotten too close and was soon lost in the swirling dust. Following a whim, or perhaps a hunch, she started to run straight into the storm, despite its fury.

 

She ran straight into the wind and dust for hours, or maybe it had been a few seconds. She wasn't sure. All she knew was that she had to keep going into the wind.

 

Something changed.

 

This author is taking the "story" part of "backstory" waaaay too literally. *ding*

 

She hadn't been sure what it was at the time, but the wind seemed to lose its fury. With the ease of a boat on a wave, she broke through the dust storm and ran into the sunlight. The storm settled into spilling dust as she jumped and laughed.

 

It wasn't until later that she realized she'd gotten her cutie mark.

 

Wait... can an earth pony even get a pegasus cutie mark? How does that even work? *ding*

 

Also, she seemed to pull off her dust storm-calming effect just fine as an earth pony. Why the need for wings? *ding*

 

She has continued refining their design and working on the Appleoosan weather team ever since.

 

Is it just me, or does the whole "earth pony becoming a pegasus" thing feel a bit... I dunno, transgender-y? I really feel like it shouldn't, and I doubt that's what the author was going for. *ding*

 

Other: Dust may be still working on the Appleoosan weather team when joining an RP. She may also be traveling Equestria or trying out for the Wonderbolts in Cloudsdale, depending on the roleplay and the necessity.

 

I'm pretty sure a lot of this stuff is supposed to be settled in the RP OOC, rather than in the character's sheet. I won't sin this, because it's just my opinion, but still...

 

Dust is perfectly capable of cloud-walking on her own, and her shoulder plates only focus her magic into a shape that allows flight.

 

Wait, what? She has magic now? And magic can be shaped? What?! *ding*

 

Also, I'm sinning the fact that any filly, who lives in an old-Western themed town, can find out enough information about how to "shape" magic with wooden planks, which changes "plant-growing" magic into "being able to control weather, fly, and walk on clouds" magic. There's just no way that's possible. *ding*

 

Total Sin Count: 16

 

Sentence: The Pegasus Device

 

('Cause... y'know, becoming a pegasus and all? ...Hur dur? No? Okie... :c)

Edited by Meson Bolt
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