offering critique OC Sinning

[RealityPublishing 323]

@P-Jay

Oh man, this looks like roasting fun; I want in. Again, don't judge on the drawings alone. We all know I suck at drawing.

 

 

Alright, meme-boys. *grabs riot shield* Shoot me up!

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/rebus-noteworthy-r9732

Edited October 20, 2016 by RealityPublishing

[Will Guide 21,325]

Has anyone ever seen or heard of CinemaSins? If so, great! If not, its a channel on YouTube that finds every fault, plot-hole, cliche, and mistake made in movies, each wrong-doing counting as a 'sin.'

 

Me, and @Fractured, are offering to do our little parody of CinemaSins, in an Original Character format! We'll review a profile, find everything wrong, to sin the character accordingly. 

 

So, if you're looking for someone to tell you everything wrong with your OC, along with hopefully laughing as you read, then you've come to the right place! 

 

Just submit an OC profile, and we'll get right to it. We'll do our best to get back to you, as soon as we're done.

 

Although, fair warning, we won't be going easy... 

 

So without further ado...Who wants their OC sinned?

 

If you can critique my OC Sinning like a comedy of errors, then here's my Ponysona for you roast: Will Guide. 

 

Of course, no one changes him but me. However, I could use a good laugh.

[Meson Bolt 2,647]

If you don't mind, I would like for you to burn my other oc; Zealous Enigma, to the ground with sins.

 

Everything Wrong With Zealous Enigma

 

(Compensating font size is compensating)

 

Age: 21

 

Y'all know why this is a sin, I'm sure. *ding*

 

Gender: Male

 

Species: Unicorn

 

Appearance: Green fur coat with a purple mane. he wears a white striped red shirt with a black tie.

 

This appearance tab leaves SO much to be desired. Tall and skinny build, kelly-green coat, short straight-cut violet striped mane and wavy tail, red and white striped shirt, violet eyes... typing that took me about 10 seconds. C'mon. *ding*

 

Cutie Mark: A question mark merging into a magnifying glass, representing his observant personality and ability to create mysteries.

 

Creating mysteries? Instead of... y'know, being useful and solving them? Okay...

 

No seriously, that's not really that hard. Kill someone, do your best to hide the evidence... boom, mystery! *ding*

 

Personality: He's obsessed with mysteries and loves causing them, he's picked up his observant and manipulative skills from reading mystery stories

 

Wow... this author really wants to get a point across. Can't tell what it is though... *ding*

 

Backstory: Zealous Enigma had a drunken and abusive father, every other time his drunken anger never hurt him too bad, he always learned to stay in his room during them,

 

"Parents only exist to make you feel bad" cliche. *ding*

 

in fact his mother who wasn’t an alcoholic installed a lock on his door.

 

I mean... assuming "Mom's not an alcoholic" is a pretty valid assumption... did we really need that level of clarification? *ding*

 

But one time his father's drunken freak out was so bad it lead to him getting thrown against a wall and his horn being broken,

 

Bad participle placement. Reading it aloud sounds like the father's the one with the broken horn. *ding*

 

after that his mother eventually divorced his father and took Zealous with her for his safety.

 

The next line isn't "and after that his father was arrested for domestic violence". *ding*

 

But she could never afford the operation that would allow his horn to grow back correctly, his disfigured horn lead to him being picked on a lot at school.

 

Oh gaush... "character has a disability that doesn't affect performance but still is cause for being picked on" cliche. *ding*

 

Seriously though, doesn't having a broken horn result in loss of magic, or loss of some potency? It's never touched on again... almost as if the character was made a unicorn just to have this broken horn picking-on thing... *ding*

 

But a filly he met named Crystal didn’t,

 

Not a sin, I've had the same "character I'm crushing on doesn't judge my disability" cliche in my characters' backstory too, so...

 

...Y'know what, I'm a jerk. Screw it. *ding*

 

she told him she didn’t love him back but instead suggested them being just friends, but Zealous didn’t want that, he tried everything to impress her and convince her to love him,

 

Whiny brat complaining about being friendzoned. Ugh. *ding*

 

not be friends with him.

 

Redundant statement is redundant. Also, this statement is redundant. *ding*

 

Also, I'm an aspiring rapper, and even I can't say that whole run-on sentence without taking a breath. *ding*

 

After 5 years of trying he gave up trying.

 

And nothing at all significant happened in 5 years? She didn't start to say "hey, back off bro" or anything? No financial issues or remarriage of mom? Okie... *ding*

 

But once the 5th year turned over into the 6th, Crystal announced her new book; Shadow Spade and the Shadow Killer

 

Wait, do ponies have elementary-middle-high schools? Would they even stay in the same school for so long? *ding*

 

Also, Crystal stole her book title format from my book, "Overused Name and the Overused Term". *ding*

 

Zealous didn’t hesitate to mimic the events in the story to impress her, even going as far as to kill ponies.

 

Wait, the main character kills ponies? Why should I be rooting for him again? *ding*

 

Unfortunately for Zealous Enigma, unlike Shadow Spade in the story, Crystal never found out he did it,

 

Spoiler alert! Jeez... *ding*

 

yet again leading to Enigma's attempts to impress Crystal being unfruitful.

 

And the two lived happily ever after... as stalker and senpai. *ding*

 

Other: Information on Crystal can be found here: https://mlpforums.co..._/crystal-r9552

 

Self-referential character page is self-referential. And dumb for thinking that I wouldn't sin this blatant self-promotion. *ding*

 

Total Sin Count: 21

 

Sentence: Arrested (for stalking, and murder, and harassment, etc.)

[FanOfManyShows 396]

@@Meson Bolt, Huh, thanks, I actually kinda needed most of those pointed out. And that sentence, that happens when he's caught, more spoilers yes, but I don't care. I'm still changing it though. By copying and pasting a version of his backstory I had created while waiting for this critique.

[P-Jay 1,987]

...now i feel that meson bolt's done two in a row. XD gimme a moment, ill knock one out momentarily

okay, I've put together a list of people on the, well, waiting list.

 

Blue Moon

Stormlight

Fullmoon

Kronos

Night Tracer

Damian da prince

Comet Streak

Carnelian Clout

Stardust

Wilhelm

Renee

Dynamo

Copper

Foray

Crystal

Crystal star

Kyubi

Rebus

and Will. XD i've got some work to do. 

 

starting with blue moon. making a post shortly. 

 

@, 

 

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Blue Moon.

(Using comic sans for this one, because why not...)

 

Age: Adult.

Not sure why, but I typically feel like specifying what 'catagory' of age someone is in, isn't their age. You don't answer 'how old are you' with 'I'm an adult.' 

*ding*

 

​Appearance: See above.

 

Pretty good design, won't lie. If only I couldn't see the Ponycreator bleeding from it--granted, everyone uses that, even me--but you had that art made. You could've had the design change--but then again, since the design is good regardless, I'll give this one a half-sin.

*ding?*

 

Cutie Mark: Blue Moon has a blue crescent moon as a cutie mark. It signifies his desire to become an astronomer. He earned it when he took a trip to the local Air and Space Museum where his classmates and he were given telescopes for kids. That night, he used his telescope and got so excited learning about all the constellations and planets, and recording them in a notebook. That burst of excitement caused his cutie mark to appear.

 

Now, you can't have Celestia giving him a cutie mark for being the alicorn of--oh? Well, this is a new one. If anything, the only problems I see with this passage is the most half-assed name ever for the museum (I mean, c'mon, 'air'?), and some grammer. Nicely done, and if there hadn't been those few errors, I would've retracted a sin for this.

 

Personality: Blue Moon loves to read and learn about astronomy and the night sky.

 

Loves to read and learn about subjects relating to cutie mark--Applejack likes to buck apples, Twilight likes to practice spells, Fluttershy likes to--yeah, you get what I mean. First sentence is irrelevant. 

*ding*

 

Also, 'about astronomy and the night sky'--they're one and the same. It's like saying someone was learning how to prepare food and cook food.

*ding*

 

This was his main activity he did during his childhood, and as such; he didn't put too much time in learning advanced magic. Nonetheless, he still learned the basic spells most unicorns learned such as telekinesis. He has an extended knowledge of astronomy and related, and is quite smart in general on most subjects.

 

Semicolon doesn't belong. Also, read: previous sins. And I'm not sure if every Unicorn that's not completely engulfed in their cutie mark's talent actually indulges in advanced spells--save for the ones that're like, spell-learning exclusive (I'm looking at you, Moondancer). Who are all in Celestia's School of Best Pony Race. Learned basic spells, like nearly every unicorn in existence, and has extended knowledge over the subject that'll be his destiny, and quite smart in general on most subjects. 

 

So he's a NERRRRRRRRRRRD! And generic, truthfully--give him some hobbies. The way he is now, he's pretty much a forgettable guy you meet when you visit the museum. 

*ding*

 

While he is smart, he can be very stubborn when someone tries to prove him wrong and may argue that he is correct depending on the subject. But most of the time, he is probably one of the nicest ponies you'll meet and is extremely polite.

 

'Is nice until you're an asshole to him; slap a stubborn flaw on him to be on the safe side', now, I wonder where else I've seen those traits...

*ding*

 

When he was a child, he accidentally did something incorrectly in school which caused his schoolmates to laugh at him. From that point, he decided to keep to himself and because of that; he never had much social interaction. Because of this, he became very shy and quiet (this, fortunately, lessened as he aged, but he does act shy every once in a while, depending on the pony).

 

Social anxiety cliche. 

*ding*

 

He is a quick, but thoughtful, thinker and happens to be very witty whenever he does speak up. He is known to talk to himself too.

 

Socially anxious pony is a deep thinker, talks to himself, and only speaks up when he's got a zinger locked and loaded...Hell, I do those things.

*ding*

 

Backstory: Blue Moon had a pretty normal life. He was born and raised in Ponyville, and had loving parents who cared for him. He didn't do a lot of things that were considered "cool" by his schoolmates, but he loved to read. He read quite a lot for a colt his age, and because of all that reading; he was fairly intelligent for his age and that intelligence continued to grow through his life. 

 

So, most of everyone irl on this website. 

*ding*

 

Throughout most of his younger years, he dreamt of becoming Princess Luna's number one assistant. This, however; never came true.

 

...I'm not sure whether to sin for pointless childhood dream that has no relavance whatsoever, or retract a sin for being one of the few that actually let their OC be reasonable in where they are in life. So I'll do both!

*ding*
*zzing*

 

Nonetheless, he was blessed with a lovely wife, Autumn, and a beautiful daughter, Clear Skies when he got older, and accepted that he would probably never become Luna's assistant. As of now, he is extremely happy living in a family, and would choose that over being Luna's assistant any day. They currently live in a home in Ponyville. He owns a shop for buying astronomy supplies such as telescopes, and due to his knowledge on astronomy; he usually can help anypony who wants or needs help on the matter.

 

Ah, he runs a store, has a family, and lives a happy life. This guy, while he isn't like those OC's that've 1v1'd Discord to save the omniverse, is still a generic-ass guy. Which can be good. Can be bad. It just depends on how you play him...But I'm sinning for referencing his childhood dream so many times.

*ding*

 

Also, if he wanted to be Luna's assistant when he was a foal, and he's old enough to have children and a business shop...Doesn't this mean he's at the very least five years older then Twilight, and if so, when he was a kid Luna was literally nothing more then a fairytale?

*ding*

 

Other: Nicknames: Blu, Blue, Bluey, Moon, or Moony.

 

Irreleavence is irrelavent. You can just occasionally have someone call him by a nickname without vocalizing it in his character page--gonna sin this, too.

*ding*

 

Sin count:

11.5

 

Sentence: 

*drunroll*

Socializing.

Edited October 20, 2016 by P-Jay

[Meson Bolt 2,647]

And Crystal too, since she takes part in Zealous' back story. (sort of)

 

Ready for part 2?

 

Everything Wrong With Crystal

 

I'm vokked on Dr Pepper right now.

 

 

Name: Crystal

 

Can we all agree that a name as generic, uninspired and irrelevant to the character as "Crystal" is sin-worthy? *ding*

 

Age: 18

 

There are no adults or foals in Equestria, just teenagers... *ding*

 

Gender: Female

 

Species: Unicorn

 

And I thought Zealous Enigma's Appearance tab needed some work... *ding*

 

Cutie Mark: Pen at a diagonal angle with a magnifying glass on top also at a diagonal angle. 

 

I mean... "pen and magnifying glass crossed over each other" is a lot more concise. Just sayin'. And sinnin'. *ding*

 

Her talent is her great ability at writing- and solving -mysteries.

 

Unnecessary double-space is unnecessary. *ding*

 

Also, we already know Zealous Enigma's talent is "making" mysteries. With this kind of talent, I'd assume she'd be somewhat interested in a guy like him... at the very least a Sally Kimball/Leroy Brown kind of relationship. *ding*

 

Which is actually a really good point. If you're still running with these characters, an "Encyclopedia Brown"-esque series wouldn't be half bad. Crystal would be the mystery-solving sleuth and Zealous would be her witty sidekick/rival. And his crush would make some pretty funny (albeit cheesy) chemistry between the two. Just food for thought...

 

Personalty: Cheerful, but gets super serious at times.

 

Why cheerful? When does she get super serious? How serious? Are these her only two character traits? Did more than 10 seconds of thought go into making this character, or is she just there for Zealous to crush on? *ding*

 

Backstory: She earned her cutie mark when she wrote a mystery story, assuming the magnifying glass was part of her talent; writing mystery stories.

 

I feel like that segment should be on the "Cutie Mark" tab. *ding*

 

But her impeccable ability to write stories

 

Ahh, no. Just because you're talented does not make your work impeccable, i.e. faultless or spotless. You gotta practice that shit, yo. *ding*

 

proved useful when she encountered a mystery much like one she had written, but hadn't yet published, she's still looking for the pony who caused the mystery.

 

Which turns out to be Zealous Enigma... what a tweest. Almost as good as the Mandarin from Iron Man 3. *ding*

 

Total Sin Count: 10

 

Sentence: 200 bits fine, plus 60 hours of community service

 

(Get it? Cuz mystery pony? Har har...)

Edited October 24, 2016 by Meson Bolt

[FanOfManyShows 396]

@@Meson Bolt, Ah, almost laughable to see her ripped apart at this state. Especially since I really didn't think to much on her with that version of the back story. Albite I did put (Some) thought into her name. Crystal Clear may end up being her full name, just to clear things up, pun intended, and also to be slightly original

 

That idea for Zealous... Might do something with that.

 

And 10 is not that bad right? Unless of course you decide to do either of them a second time. But I'll let you decide on that.

[Meson Bolt 2,647]

And 10 is not that bad right? Unless of course you decide to do either of them a second time. But I'll let you decide on that.

 

It really depends on the length of your OC page. If you've a super-long one with 10 sins, that's great, but if yours is super short with 10 sins... you've got some work cut out for ya. ;P

[FanOfManyShows 396]

@@Meson Bolt, So what you're saying is; The number of sins are relevant to the length of the OC page? I can work with that.

[Prophet 610]

Oh my could you do mine~ Prophet

[Widdershins 9,955]

Well, how can I resist copious amounts of snark? I have a bit of a bad habit of over-complicated characters so Celestia knows I've got material to work with! Do well with this'un and maybe I'll let you tackle a Draconequusona!

Behold my grandest creation! The seven-part OC monstrosity! Gallimaufry "Mauf" the Hydra!

 

 

Edit: You guys totally ought go back to the whole spoiler-multi-tab shtick. It's annoying, lengthy & pretentious, exactly why I love it!

Edited November 9, 2016 by Widdershins

[FanOfManyShows 396]

@@Meson Bolt, maniacal laughter I'm here again! I promise I've improved, I hope. 

 

So, here is Warlock. He's... A villain, trapped in stone at the moment, for who knows how long? Cause that doesn't matter.

 

Review him! Criticize him! Burn him on a stake! Do what ever! I can handle it!